September 2025
August 2025
I found out today how dissociative I am; I want to be loved. I want the love my mother and father were suppose to give me or the life where I'm loved and taken care of and because I feel safe I start to be believe I'm empowered and a powerful person. I missed all of that. In addition I never ever came out of my shell to use my potential. its as if I've been silent all of my life and withdrawn. No one knows.
However, The fact I might be able to get back to a place emotionally where I was at 8 years old regardless of what I was like is a miracle. I'm showing signs of this; being in touch with my feelings. However; at that time I introverted and was doing nothing but watching Disney TV movies and dreaming about being loved some day. That I would be in a life where I was grown up and doing everything I ever wanted to do. At a deeper level I was wanting or waiting for my parents to kick in and love me and take care of me more showing me and prodding me and showing me attention of how to live and develop. It never happened. I sunk deep into tragic survival mode
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I'm very confused. and I'm strangely innocent and gellable still.
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I'm like I was when I was 8; and now I would slowly like things to break through into a new life.
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I am changing; I am healing; God is doing it. But life is a strange concept of my own wishing beliefs instead of some forms of reality. I guess I just want control and want to believe I'm in my own dream world and the rest of the world is aligned to it. I'm lucky I'm not in worse trouble from being naive.
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lately I've wanted to travel; I have no money for it; not money I manifested just for this situation. I was listening to vacation sites and watching there vids and stuff and pricing everything until I found out you had to have at least 2 people go on a vacation to have it priced as they presented it. That means if I thought it would cost 2000 bucks for me to go on a vacation with them; In reality; because I'm single or going alone or by myself; I would have to pay the full price of 2 people. Thus; I quickly got off that site feeling a bit foolish and stupid and overwhelmed; It was as if reality came rushing back to me.
I finally got enough nerve to question how much these trips would actually cost; I felt like i was showing the universe I was taking some action only to find I had been a fool the whole time. However, a days ago I admitted something was wrong; the universe would not align any of these vacations I read about; would not align them with my inner being; I kept trying; but nothing. Now I know why! I feel so stupid. I feel so Naive.
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Oke; does the universe want me to take a trip; I don't know; Ill have to go back to the universe and find out what the universe really wants and wants for me. This is how naive I am. I just wanted to be loved and taken care of by someone believing I'm in a world that cares about what happens to me and others and is looking after my best interests. Now; I wonder why I just didn't tell that to God in the first place that I wanted to be taken care of and have God look after my best interests; why would I turn to a marketing company selling vacations on the internet for my love; but that's what I do.
When I was younger; I did this with women and was wholly ripped to pieces. I would pick the wrong people; I don't even think I picked them I mean; it was like I was completely blind and picked strangers like picking pieces of straw out of a hat. I was completely blind and ended up around time bombs.. I never ended up with anyone that even liked me or I think could like me or value me. Nothing.
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Its like being in a dissociative box not connected to the realities of the outside world. Its like being really autistic but Im not autistic Im dissociative.
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Im very lucky to have any kind of relief and not be in so much pain over what happened in my life. What happened in my life kills. And I have experienced that pain. However, I am getting better; Yet; Like someone who lost there leg is getting better; still no leg and life is a strange place with a feeling of being different. I am different.
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My disability has effected my life in complete ways and not uncommon ways concerning a dissociative. Ive spent most of my introverted life in my head and much of it closed off to the real world and ruptured to the point of not being able to physically pay my rent; I could not handle the reality or paying bills.
Things have changed in that requirement.
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When I want to learn how to travel or live again I turn to YouTube. I watch vids of people who are learning how to do the same thing. Do I trust them; I don't know. I am learning something; I feel much like the people I'm watching; However, they are much much much much much younger then I am. Does this bother me! No! Because I'm just as progressive; I'm fine. However, It does give a strange feeling of being alone and different in the world.
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The achievement of being able to wake up enough to even think of traveling and being around people; incredible.
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I can always pray for what I want and I will.
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As for travel; I might want to stop and look at the fundamentals and practice and start right here in my home town; or what small amount I spent here. And I think that's a good idea. I'm not outside savvy.
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I can feel it. I have to learn how to start over and re learn. I have a hard time learning because of reality. I'm just not here. I'm better tho; I mean; inside but outside I'm still dissociated. Continued affects of long term trauma,.
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Ill pray about everything. I'm actually able to start over. The outside world is what the sensitive kid in me imagined; a place I can dream if someone else has me in a protected world.
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How can I be in that protected world.
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I saw a guy on youtube; his first Amtrak ride. I was making a short gaunt from a big city to a smaller one; I think it was a like a 6-7 hour ride or something; I dont know. Maybe more. But what really hurts me; ( ANd there is hope; Im changing); He had a destination. I have non. I really dont; I dont if I use my old stories of having no one and nothing; but; I dont have to do that. I can create my new story of a new place to go and feel it as mine; as my own; and this is because of God. I can re create my life and find my own interest destinations. My inner being knows what or who this. So; getting in contact with my inner being. And again I will.
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Im really lucky. I mean; I am really young inside; I mean; like Im in college again and can travel and be free. Thats how it feels. Ill be doing things and experimenting for the first time.
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However, As for destinations; Im in that. I mean. I was going to take the amtrack to Seattle ( I know Seattle) Know it well enough. And I thought. Id buy a new Macpro; M1; I studied some youtube stuff; is it 2 big for the coach seats on amtrak; so I studied and all is a go; I can pull it out on the train. I could compose music and when done/ backpack. However, In the city I really don't want others seeing it; I don't want it ripped off.
Ya know; I thought; Ill find my coffee shop On first street or where ever; and Just get my MacBook out and compose; just sit there for a few hours or what ever; Ya know; my places. I'm not sure how long I can sit in the coffee shops in Seattle anymore; its been a long time. The water front areas; As seating all over the place Pikes place market... SO......
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I mean. What's happening is I'm working with the universe to define a brand new me never seen on earth before. All new hang outs and places I call my own. It means ownership of places. Nothing like the life I had when younger; because all of those monsters and fake sickening people that I trusted; they are all gone. They have been gone all of my life; I was the one that could not wake up.
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So; I'm moving into a new segment of my life. I'm re creating a new everything life. I mean; from scratch; everything. Literally nothing comes from the past because the past has been gone for almost all of my life. Its been a giant schizophrenic ride.
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Anyway; What's happening now is truly unbelievable. When I say I'm going to Seattle for a day and first work it out with my inner being to start finding things I belong to as end destinations; I'm not kidding. I never had this before because all I had was the past; I just want to go home; but there is no home; SO it left me in a state of continuous shock. I could not move. I had no desires of any kind anymore. everything I loved was a lie; it never existed. It was just monsters playing me. Everything was faked and I was watched until they could completely destroy what was left of my life. It matters not anymore in a sense; not really; its like looking back at a haunted house ride. Who would want to constantly remember that; why?
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However, people are lost and clueless. I truly legally am; but I'm not anymore because I have a higher power Universe God that is replacing everything.
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So; when I say I'm going to Seattle on a Amtrak with a new MacBook Pro with music notation software and Ill compose on the Amtrak; Where did all this come from? its from the new me. Actually its God coming through me; its my inner being connected to the universe.
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To have my inner being start to have me live again and find destination points is truly unbelievable. Its an authentic true beginning. And its completely different then anything I've been through.
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So; as I said; I'm looking for destinations. A place in Seattle where I can sit and hang out and write. A place that's mine; to me! A destination point.
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The fact I'm speaking in the idea of Destination points is from God. I used to be completely lost and it did not matter what was in the present; there was nothing I wanted; I did not want to start over; I was to ruptured and could never come back; all things I loved were gone; not point in any of this.
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The healing that is going on does not mean I'm not ruptured. Its a new focus that is bi passing the rupturing and the past and literally creating something new anyway; its as if a new Freeway has been created off another freeway and is going in its own direction.
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The one area that is not developed yet is relationships; but it will. I've mentioned the idea; the beginning idea of Destinations. I have not begun of relationships; but if I want it; it will come. It will; its all new; and many other things have aligned or are showing that the guidance system to the universe is working and picking up speed.
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One area that must be worked on and will and is being worked on is Money! The love of money; the importance of money; money consciousness; This is so important. I'm working on it; its a tuff kind of dry thing; Ill keep at it every day; until I become money! until I attract that energy align correctly and bring it into my life. Its a kind of heartbreaking hurting Alian thing to me.
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The money thing is so important. I have to work on it; I have to work at it. Everyday. It will take what it takes to align. I have hunted loneliness from the past; from the past from the past on this; un fulfilled desires that were displaced for ever. it does surround success dreams and the lack of them ever getting built; its as if they are from a dead city.
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So; I've described many things happening; In my apartment; its starting to feel like a suitcase apartment; surface feeding box. No depth but a learning place. But its mine; its been naturally clean and organized now for months and more. Its just not like the time bomb it used to be; Tsar Bomba smasher! This newer apartment and location; all pure manifestation. All about re developing.
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So; its feeling like a beginning destination point. I've mentioned how the universe my inner being has created new interests in my life; like new reinterest in composing and traveling. Wow! real interest; real stuff. these I call middle positional balancing points; Middle anchors. And finally I talk about the use of all three. Being on the Amtrak traveling; composing on computer in coach seating; and I'm not just traveling with that feeling of going nowhere; not that this is so bad; I mean; I've got to get started some how. I mean; Id Go to LA just to do it and come back. The sad problem was; why should I go; There's nothing there for me. Just a train yard some restaurants and a bunch of buildings that are alienated to me; I mean; I can feel alienated in my own room; why do I have to travel for 2 days on an Amtrak to a final fake destination; I mean; the destination is just to say I did it; I would have never left the train yard; the train station; I would have turned around and came back. LA would have meant nothing to me because; There was no end destination point. the only way there could be an end destination point is; If I was a completely new soul-King on earth completely new; no past; recreating a brand new creation life of all destination points that I simply choose as important because I was looking for such things; No? Feeling such things to align with because its all ready aligned with me inside; The universe is inside of me and it wants to create on the outside of me.
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Its so cool to say; I'm going to find an end destination in Seattle that belongs to me; Simply a coffee shop I can compose in. And call that whole concept mine. I'm creating a place to be; not just running around frantic that I don't have one. I've been given this grace from God; what a gift. And more gifts are coming.
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My life is being recreated; its all God and universe! its crazy; its in the face of a dead boy running around in an ice cave not realizing he is just a re run of old tapes from an old TV machine trying to remember why it was born.
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I seriously wonder how long I will be in this apartment or space or place. I think I will become a different person here and then look for a physical place that fits me.
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