September 2025
August 2025
I'm beginning to wake up. I have authentic interests; its been a very long time since being interested in anything. my primary goal was relief and safety; not happiness. Happiness has to do with happenings. And I've not been present and not caring anymore how I could become present.
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I am waking up. I have at least 2 authentic interests that are exciting to me and make me happy. In my heart my inner being beams these outward into my imagination and then I with excitement want to take action on them as direction of fulfillment; They fulfill me.
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The rest of my life is like a 1 dimensional dull picture of lifeless color. I've been so sinical for so long everything is a segment of my sinical life less color scheme. But not everything; Now my heart is happy. I have some things aligned with my inner being that are authentic and they are making me happy. I'm excited. However, I need about 8 other areas to wake up into my inner being so I can be present and living again.
I feel like a drone with these happy beams shooting out from his heart. The rest of me is lifeless or robot like waiting for instructions because I've been passive aggressive for so long and repressed.
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I'm paranoid someone is going to come along and pull the rug out on me and I go back into my venerable coma of dark dullness.
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I'm waking up; and scared to death; frightened. I don't know how to protect it; I don't even know how to hold it up; how to prop it up and hold it in place; I'm afraid I wont keep it alive; I will tumble back into the dull self I've always been. So; things are uncomfortable.
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I'm so used to destroying everything I become so no one else can get at me. I can die first so no one can get a second chance at it.
My defining concept is or; has always been; what's the use; why bother! I just stay passive aggressive and lifeless. Now; it seems; things are changing.
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I'm still seeing the lifelessness outside of me; but in my heart things are growing like a mad man.
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However, Like anything else alive; one must take care of themselves to stay alive. SO; I have more responsibility now. And I have to learn to work with the universe for pathways to show up that lead to the ability to afford a life or receive the things the universe is creating in my imagination.
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What does this mean; it means; now that my inner being and I are aligning and coming up with great ideas and insights of what makes me happy within my imagination; Some one is going to have to pay for it; meaning with money. So; I have to learn to manifest money for these creative goals. And I start with God and meditation.
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I'm starting to get the facts of life ("FOR ME"); I cant speak for anyone else.
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I Was at a meeting today; I been telling some of my more vulnerable desires. I've opened it up plainly because the universe told me to because I was just in to much confusion and pain. Things went well; no one attacked.
Tonight I was talking about how a few things have shown up that make me happy. Its shocking. my outside self wants to be right and go to war. However, my heart is the heart of a little kid and my inner being is starting to align with it and send beams of light right out the front directly to what it wants in life; its real simple; what excites me right now.
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So; the universe had to bring me out of survival mode; not easy; but its working now; The work involved takes what it takes.
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Here's the strange deal about manifestation. I live on housing. Mental problems; Fair enough. I'm lucky I even live in a society that would even care even tho the same society caused this.
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My inner being wants me to be happy and has his own ideas of what I need and want; and so I want to align with that inner being. Well; that inner being has some ideas of the kind of desk I want to manifest and its not the cheap version. ITs not the most expensive pro desk; but its above the general level of something I would buy from W-Mart. I mean; I feel strange working with the universe for something so nice to put into an apartment for state housing; I feel kind of hypocritical; I'm almost afraid one of the guys from the apartment building who checks the apartments and the fire alarms and stuff; I'm afraid hes going to walk in and see this thing and think I've become rich and report me or something. I'm kind of embarrassed about it; It seems like lll wont look the part of someone who needs to be on housing.... Well; I guess its more about how I feel about myself. I've really tried to look at other stuff; other desks. We will see; I mean; I haven't really done anything yet.
A big big monitor is also what's showing in my heart. I nice pro level music desk and a 43 inch monitor. Technically its not really all that much more then a nice 27ich monitor these days; a few hundred bucks... I just feel like someone's going to see that and think I don't fit in here.
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I could be afraid because I'm scared I wont use it; Ill just mess around and not do anything serious... like I really don't have the character for any of this. But those items shine within my heart; and they wont let go. There kind of aligned and so.
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However, heres the deal; when working with the universe; I've got to learn how to manifest the money for them through the rules of the universe; the universe has to show up with the money or make me the kind of person that can go down a specific path and receive the money in one way or the other legally. Either way; I'm going to have to become committed to the processes that bring about the manifestation of money or the receiving ability of what I'm aligning with through the universe. I want to say this is the hard part; but its hard because I've never followed through on this part before because I was always looking for outs so I didn't have to follow through and deal with the pain and the real price of working at keeping steady at working with the universe until these things show up.
In this specific case; This is a good time and these are good examples of (NOT PAYING) for them; let the universe figure that out; let me watch as these get paid for and show up but not by me. Let me manifest the money; let me work hard it for as long as it takes until I'm really willing to put the work in to allowing the universe to change me into the kind of person that's aligned with getting the money. These things I want to buy or receive; they are from my inner being; these are for hobbies I just love to do with all my heart... ITs all aligned with the universe and proven so.
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Also; I would like to take a trip. A trip of a specific kind. I'm now working on or exploring that; where would it be; how do I become and expert on it so I know exactly where I want to go and what it would cost. And for how long and what not to do as a newbie. Lots of work here. But its also something that would make me happy. Is this aligned with the universe; Yes! the basic concept. What about where exactly to go for how long; NO! But kind of; Yes; a place; possible; When! I don't know that yet. What do I want to do there. I don't know all of it. The more I know and show the universe I'm taking action learning about all this; the more at some point the gap closes and I get up to speed with it and my inner being aligns and bam! I find out what moves me emotionally and then I know. That hasn't happened just yet completely. When it does; Ill know the amounts of what it will cost and Ill start working with the universe on money or receiving what I want.
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So; lots of personal work here. I know what that work is; and so I'm fine with that. Ill get started or I've been kind of started; And I'm just getting started. Sometimes a person things its all solved in 3 days; forget it; It might not be solved in 5 months because I did not put the work out for it; I'm just learning about the work ethic curve and commitment involved. And that's all part of this; and that's also what the universe wants to teach me; How to trust the universe; that's the greater work here way beyond receiving an alignment that brings money or the thing I wish for and visualize for. Because that's what this is really about. Thats the inner war where there is trouble. Will the small child in me ever trust this universe ever again.
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I have to learn; This goes on everyday until it all aligns; every aspect of it; I don't get to quit and then ask why things didn't show up; I never aligned them. I have to do the work; it may take everyday and 120 days of this or 180 days of this; it might. ITs all good; just a hard revealing journey.
Ill continue to ask the universe or thank the universe for those exciting feelings of being on a pathway thats leading me to become good at manifesting this part of the over all manifestation process.
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I also want to note that I'm becoming a different person because of all this training and recovery work spiritual work and success wealth building work concerning manifestation. And that new person is gaining more confidence at the use of wealth building tools and working with the universe. I guess. I'm so young at this I have no business even say what I just said; but Ill earn it at some point; that's the key; its about working at this every day.
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A poor person or insane person just looks at the ceiling and counts the holes in the walls and ask; Where's My Truck? My New Truck! And they get mad. I know I've been there a million times; but at some point this person is led to the universe and the universe God will attract tools; spiritual tools dealing with he laws of the universe that will help that person believe again that things are possible. And sometimes that's the hardest part of all.
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No one wants to get broken again because they trusted the universe. Its not fun.
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As far as buying things or.... Ill know when the universe aligns with me and the natural impulses for such things; However, I had to learn a hard hard lesson over a guitar I wanted a few years back; I learned the hard way. If I don't learn to stick it out with the universe on to the second part of manifestation; I end up buying it myself and that's not what the universe wants. The universe aligned a guitar for me. IT was perfect; but the universe never told me to buy it; all the universe did was align it. my compulsion bought it. Thats one of the reason no money showed for it; I wasn't suppose to buy it.
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Its possible I'm not suppose to buy any of the things I've aligned with my inner being; this might just be the beginning of a longer journey. I don't know; The universe will let me know.
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The guitar never worked; I was in no way even able to practice any guitar stuff; I wasn't ready and I had a broken left arm that grew back in a dislocated way enabling me to hold a guitar correctly in a way that I could naturally play it correctly. I've only found one guitar type I can do this with concerning electric guitar and I all ready owned it. So; it was my narcissistic arrogance that had to buy the guitar so I could play God. I ended up breaking it and selling it to a friend... Great color though and great experience; but that is not what I want anymore; its very important that if I'm suppose to have something; the universe needs to buy it; that way I'm out of the firing line if something goes wrong.
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As for desks and monitors; I don't have to have a desk. I can buy a cheap smaller monitor and leave it at that. But my inner being keeps intervening; that's why I haven't done anything; but I've been here before. If the universe wants me to have these expensive things; the universe can buy them for me or attract them to me...
If I'm truly suppose to have such things; the universe will bring them to me.
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I'm beginning to see what the beginning of Limbo Land is about; Responsibilities for the development of my life; thought from those who bare the focus to make sure I was to grow up safely; did not; In fact; like a serial killer who grooms destroys then dumps the body; I was groomed destroyed then basically abandon thrown away and or given away 100% level. I would spend my time in horrible agony blaming those who did this to me; the horrible insecurity. not any more; I still have that odd hole of where insecurity bore its world into me. But like a bent tree; I've grown back.
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The responsibility for my life is now being transferred from that broken child who looked to all others for the responsibility for development; it is now being transferred to me. And that is what the beginning of this spiritual strange limbo land is for right now; sparks are flying as the change occurs.
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What does this mean; if I want to go on a trip for 20'000 dollars; I long longer stop and look at my fathers face and blame him why I'm in the predicament I'm in. However, I'm aware of what happened and what left me in this situation; meaning the general miss management of my life; I no longer blame anyone from the past because I don't live in the past; they were sycophants molesters and human monsters; human scum. At this point; why spend any of my decent human memories or consciousness or self worth on filth that these. Technically they defended myself against them in one from or another the whole time; I certainly didn't really know them. After I found out what they do to human beings; I don't want anything to do with them again. I was prey for them; that was all; I'm not putting myself in that position again. I don't need to.
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SO the transference of power and responsibility slowly makes its way into me as the soul owner of self co creating my life with my higher power source energy God Universe.
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I'm in that transfer in Limbo Land right now; Obviously Limbo land is starting to turn into some kind of spiritual area of transformation.
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If I want 20 Grand for a trip; Ill work with the universe on it; I wont just drop out or drop- it. Ill hang on to my desire and just keep working with it and talking to God on how to manifest the money or the trip or both. I've been trained out of putting any focus onto the past anymore. IS that good; Sure its good; plenty of people will never get this fare. I'm actually one of the lucky ones.
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So; I have allot to learn how to manifest 20 Grand for a trip. I have some tools; Ill keep working at this every day; and the key is to keep the desire alive; don't drop it or drop out. Keep working with God on a daily basis concerning it and if I can; Thank God for what has already been given me.
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Everyday Ill be working on manifesting money to appear like magic. Of course its not quit that simple but it is if I'm inline with God. The universe can do anything if I would get inline with the universe. If I would use the tools of the universe the way I've been taught. I'm still a newbie at it and not disciplined or trained at use. I have allot of PTSD that gets triggered.
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The next and maybe the last area of interest for 12 step groups is this last manifesting ability or skills; to call into receiving that which I have asked of the universe. To attract and have the universe materialize.
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I'm all ready feeling better about myself then when I started this blog or felt a strange burden of curse; In a sense.
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I've talked allot; the work will start. ITs not easy to cool the body from responding and just meditate more n more.
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SO; much of what I'm talking about is a kind of work ethic; that's what's missing and will be learned; that means no reward until something shows up or I feel I'm learning the process. Delayed gratification and I have to learn to go about my business and feel good inside anyway. I don't get to continually keep up this high degree of holding a grudge against God. I still fear God; maybe I always will; he seemed to be on the side of the human monsters and not the children; Ill never forget that. That is not Biblical.
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However, talk is cheap and if I'm talking its because I don't want to be working on that manifestation processes for creating wealth in any form.
So;
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I'm not done yet;
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Id like to get to the point that this is one big experiment and I let it go. Ill keep working with the universe; can I manifest or what will it take to manifest this money for a trip; We will start with that. And it takes what it takes. Right now its about me getting inline and how dedicated I get to getting into this... Hm? Yes; but something before this. or after this; a part of me that is grieving horribly about my childhood mixed with brutal fear of my childhood... all mixed into one; the fear is; Why do I have to go back and remember that; I don't want to go there...
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So the curse turns into a kind of neutral blessing; For; altho I'm triggered; the past is dead and I'm here and altho I'm reliving it and it hurts deeply I know its gone but it still scares me.
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I am showing signs of the real genuine me; the introvert intelligent person I was when very very young. I just have to work with God and keep developing because what Im doing here is what I would have done as a child from a progressively good home. I would have set goals for a trip talked to God about being diligent on how to make extra money for the trip or money for the trip; I would have been diligent and serious. And that part of me is showing up and taking action and responsibility. That is the part of me that was separated from me through trauma when young. SO; these 2 sides are meeting each other and working with each other for the first time at this level. Its truly like a latent childhood. The real me being separated from the real me years ago and now finally meeting up and working with each other for the first time again!
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I'm very compulsive right now; I been looking at a specific trip I would like to think maybe and started to get compulsive about. I have to do things differently. I have to work with the universe to get what I want; the universe has to align it then show me where the money is coming from or bring the money to me or pay for the trip and give it to me as a present. Either way; I'm not in control. if I really want to go. I have to turn to the universe and pray and meditate and then leave it alone.
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Right now its a hard time for me; I'm so compulsive at times and then I think I'm never getting anywhere. So; I have to align this trip with the universe then align the money.
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Im actually on to a new blog concept for the next blog; keeping things a live; fighting for what I want; not giving up on a desire...
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My biggest challenge is to work with God every day and keep the desires alive; keep them alive; God cant do anything with them if I give up.
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I didn't even know I had done this for most my life if not all of it; I thought I was fighting the good fight by giving up everything and walking away or going to death. At least I would win.
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It never occurred to me that I would ever come back to reality as a human being; where I feel again and I'm a decent person aligned with everyone else normally in a normal functioning life. And when I say that; I mean one with hope; I'm not suggesting no dysfunction or struggle; that's not what I mean.
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However, A giant problem exists. I was never taught or experienced having an idea or thought or goal or desire and standing up for it. Keeping it alive unitil it manifests.
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What happens when I'm in love with someone and I don't tell them; NOTHING! THats what happens; NOTHING. Nothing will ever happen.
What happens if I have a dream of going to the biggest car show in the country but I give up because it just seems impossible in my currant situation. Will it ever happen; NO! Why; I buried the desire.
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It simply doesn't work that way. I've got to learn to keep my desire; keep it on my mind everyday; keep building on it; Let God finely believe me that I'm sincere. Let it build long enough so I really do want to go.
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I spent my entire life wanting nothing. Because I didn't believe; what's the use; I all ready lost all things I loved. I no longer cared; regardless. I just wanted relief from PTSD and to be left alone.
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What happens when I want something again. Its easy for me to bury things; get rid of them; never think about them again and die that way. However, what do I gain; nothing. So; what do I have to show for my life; nothing.
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Regardless of my background or what's happened to me; if I want something in my life; I'm going to have to learn to fight for it. That means keeping it alive. Keeping it alive everyday even if i have no idea how its going to happen. I don't have control of that. But don't bury it; keep it alive and keep working with God on it. I'm the first who has no patience for this nonsense. But it isn't nonsense; This is why people find love and get married and find that place in the world they build a house in and they go on that dream vacation or they buy that car they always wanted. They dream about it and let the universe figure out how.
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This is the hardest thing for me; to want and be deprived of it because it feels like I'm being tortured and I don't need any more of that. However, there are no excuses for me anymore; I must keep things alive or they will die. My dreams; my thoughts and hopes and desires. If I let them die; they die. Nothing will ever come of them. I have to learn!@ I have to learn once again how to hold on to my dreams and not let go no matter what.
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