September 2025
August 2025
Coming out of Limbo Land; I think its starting or Im getting stronger; However, I have 2 remaining goals in Limbo land; one will be accomplished; at least in the beginning; Ill accomplish creating music. Later Ill perform it.
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Ill meet women and start talking to them for the purposes of friendship and dating or relationships. I would say Ill start meeting women and talking to them; this will occur while Im still in Limbo Land. And Ill slowly come out of it.
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The goal of Limbo Land was a new start; and that new start has been established and I have a fairly good Idea of what is going on here. At some point Ill get stronger and move forward and slowly meander out of Limbo land.
As things get harder; as things get real.
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Commitment;
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I'm heading into a path of commitment; the hardest things I've dealt with; commitment; or the showing of commitment or the success to face the pathway of commitment or going down the pathway of commitment; Making it; making it down the pathway; feeling secure about being there on that path whether stable or unstable yet; All of these situations so a resolve to accept workarounds to the end goal; Commitment.
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Commitment is what happens when everything is glued together; commitment is the result. This is a kind of boisterous statement of ignorance; I claim a bit of ignorance glory right now ( a belief that might be true but I like it so much Ill lie and say it is true just for the attention to be right).
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Commitment; what does it mean. Its the most sought after answer of any dysfunction. At the end of the trauma food chain; the end result of years of recovery work is; To be re commitment to society and feel safe and good and aligned about it with full personal power.
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I had no power in society; that was my problem.
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I was thrown away as a child; thus all commitment to everything was ruined; all things; I was fractured and was not able to commit to anything after this. I was wounded and beheaded…
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I was pulled away and far away from commitment. Chances were; that concept would never rise from the grave again; Commitment. Commitment was for the dead.
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After entering recovery; at some point I dreamed of the idea of being committed again to something; anything. Because of an inability to be committed; no girlfriends; no work; no talent use; no purpose; Nothing., No like. With out the ability to commit to something; nothing gets done.
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What is commitment for me; Its trusting God; eventually that's all it is; Its a feeling of safety under the sun. ( Everything is going to work out for me) ( Everything always works out for me) ( Wouldn't it be Nice?).
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I've done allot of work in my recovery that I work my way into a new way of thinking and believe again; and that's happening.
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So; I was destroyed when young from all areas that a child connects to society and the idea of commitment was destroyed and it was destroyed through PTSD; for when ever I thought about commitment I hit red flags and much worse of pain; my nervous system locked down even further and gripped me into freeze mode ; completely consumed.
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Today its different. I still have PTSD long term and dissociative disorder; I still feel gripped down by my nervous system; but the spirituality within me moves and moves me into different realities. So there is movement.
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A foundation has been in the works for a time; and that foundation is getting filled in; at least enough to ask God that I had toward the idea of commitment.
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Im getting closer;
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Its all hard work; Adult hard work; all of this; this is Adulting recovery’; hard work.
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Commitment; The first area God brought me to fix commitment is Goals. I began to have an outcome or reason for doing the things I wanted to do.
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Music;
I want to create music; God suddenly put the idea of performing music; this gave me an incentive for writing music; a purpose; the end result was performing live in front of people; And soon this would be more important then writing the music; it seems the weight has shifted. The focus has shifted to Performing music. So; that means Ill have to write music and use equipment set up for performing music.
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IDENTITY;
My musical identity is being formed; This means; I see the kind of person Ill have to become to be this music identity that God is creating in my nervous system and imagination.
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What is left; after a goal has been brought to me and a beginning Identity? Commitment. The next step is learning to put in long hours into my interests. What does this mean?
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Long hours of work toward my goal of music creator; what does this mean?
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First; I sit in front of a computer screen watching tutorials of how to use music software
Second; I practice everyday with music software; just to get to know it.
Third; work with the universe God; on what kinds of compositions to write; what turns me on; what makes me happy,.
4th; What kind of music compositions do I want to create? What turns me on?
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Meditation and listening to the universe signals of what path to go down and what ideas for music or philosophies are showing up to create my musical directions; and for what purpose.
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For example; a thought came to me after asking the universe about live music; what to play.
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I got this thought; Ill create something very simple and sing to it. Something thought out but very simple; colorful but simple; Simple; for the purpose of performing live.
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Everything is about performing live.
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Commitment;
To be committed to something is about working in close proximity to something Im committed to; give n take, back n fourth; and this has been impossible for me; Dissociative disorder; completely impossible.
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Ive worked really hard at facing those walls of poison and learned to get up real close to them; those walls of PTSD and flashbacks and re triggering. Its all so confusing in my brain but I'm standing my ground and I'm attempting to it in front of a computer screen for a reasonable amount of time and learn something about music software and how to use it.
Nothing is more painful then standing to close to these pain torture walls; its like a soldier in a real war reliving a war battlefield of bombs dropping on them. Its pure hell; pure pain and squeezing up next to PTSD; to close; up in the live stream of visualization; forced visualization; being forced into the stream and forced to relive it all in clear focused vision. Its pure pain; high levels of pain. Horrible levels of pain; way over the top of acute pain and fear! Just horrible. And I've been willing to force myself into that electric chair and have the high voltage turned on; why? Because within that electric chair is a door that opens to a new life on the other side of the electricity and that's just the way things go. So; Ive been willing to subject myself to this numerous times; 10 million times in order to find that door and walk through it. And I have walked through that door and come back.
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Now; after establishing a beach head on the other side of that pain wall; that torture chamber; that electric chair. Now; I'm able to go to that new beach head and attempt to sit in a computer chair and watch tutorial videos on music making because that's what committed people do; those who are learning how to be committed to something they want to do.
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Success has a few clues; Having a support group; having a God given goal and destination; being committed to that goal through a building of a foundation and being up to speed. And for us completely lost and not knowing anything about any kind of concepts about success; all of this was hard work; way over the top hard work and a lot of years of work; lonely work out on an edge; out in outer darkness and nothingness for years only to find myself finally washed up on a beach lost; and then have processes begin in my favor.
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Im getting close. God is leading me on. Right now; the most important aspect of why I can be committed or even interested is? The outcome! I am to play live; that is the final outcome; that is the reason Im creating music; to play live. From the beginning; my identity and choice of equipment and direction is directed to playing live.
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I have a foundation building; the type for commitment to sit on. Its not completely or it is completely but Im not fully home mentally so only part of me is sitting on this foundation or I cant feel part of me thus I only think part of me; the part of me that is present; is sitting on this foundation waiting for work.
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I have been practicing the beginning elements of commitment in the music interest field; Its been brutally hard; as I thought it would be because of the long term flash backs and PTSD that continue to squeeze up next to me as I squeeze up next to the pain wall pushing for God to get rid of it; get rid of that wall!
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I've thrown enough rocks at that wall to get the universe’s attention.
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So; Now; to follow through with my new Identity; it will require work; a completely commitment at some point in this direction. Right now; I am to just sit at a computer desk and screen and watch YouTube vids on music making.
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DAW; Making beats; This is the next interest. The goal is to work through the process the universe gives me to head down new pathways to get to the front of my laptop; put on Garage Band and make some beats; for this to happen; Ill be transported back to about 7-8 years old; or 6-8 years old where I thought I was relatively safe and secure in my house; and the sadness is overwhelming concerning my house and my life. And its way over my head; the trauma of that situation.
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So; Ill need new pathways that do not infringe on that time period directly; My nervous system will not let me in directly; 2 much loss and the awareness of loss.
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As I write this Im triggered to remember the weather and the movies and what I was doing in the backyard and my friends houses and all my dreams of the future and the snow men I used to make and the leaves I raked at different houses and such and the toys; and my room and the stair ways and the living room and kitchen and everything; dinning room and my father watching TV and everything.
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So much returns to me; This is not bad; In the end; I want all of that to return to me but not all at once and not as intrusive thoughts; my nervous system cannot take it; its already under guard all the time reliving many things and many things of a later date and sexual abuse and many other things.
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So; getting involved in my childhood at this level is not possible directly; not yet; a sphere is surrounding it.
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Making Beats; Making beats takes me directly to my younger childhood into the development years; the beginning of them; so; Im taken back to times where I was going to be helpless later on and cant protect myself and I don’t want to go through that; see that directly and relive it again; not all at once; my nervous system and God will figure out how to do that one small piece at a time; hitting on that door directly will shut me down into dissociation before I ever lift a hand to attempt something in the real world.
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So; Here I am in Limbo land. Im just waiting; would be best to just fool around with the software I have; nothing serious; just fool around with it; go to meetings; pray and meditate and write up stories of performing.
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Where am I going to perform; thats something else Im opening up; its also locked up kind of; locked up in my small childs mind. So; Im praying about that.
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The main goal is to work through several areas to completion.
First is music performance and creation
Second; relationship breakthroughs; dating again.
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After this point; I wont expect anymore from Limbo Land; Ill start coming out of it and back to the surface I think. Im guessing that is whats happening or will happen.
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The areas after this our money!@
Im not ready to tackle that; and I don’t want to be in Limbo Land on that..
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So; My 2 goals are music creation/performance; And romance; dating again; girlfriend; that kind of thing.
However, I'm not interested in women right now; Only in music creation and later performance; This must come first; The goal; easy to create and perform at anytime; not being stopped or controlled by the anxiety disorder PTSD and such. Altho I have CPTSD; not to have it affect my abilities to create or perform music; and I believe this is possible because its happened with Art; at least the beginning creation ability.
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Dealing with women; relationship will be a full time focused job; It will require a whole other part of my childhood; looking at the part of my childhood where I was interacting with others and that development and then suddenly destroyed out of that development; and what happened; re feeling everything; the loses; being taken house to house; city to city after being thrown away and dumped. And all that entails. Being destroyed and having my identity destroyed; Sexual abuse; catatonic trauma.
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I'm already getting violent; my body reacting to all I went through with no escape; Im reliving it. Having to hold everything in. So; one thing at a time.
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So; non of this is fun! I mean; its overwhelming in the positive tho. Its actually nice because Im slowly dealing with the past; altho its like a bright light where I cant look into it; but I do anyway; its almost impossible; but Im doing it; since my childhood time period is all gone and I cant go back to that time period; the grieving of my original life is just to horrible to deal with. I can go back to my childhood and my childhood is not gone.
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The goal is to keep picking things from my past I was pulled out of from; from developing and work on that goal one at a time until I can be part of that development with no trauma or much anxiety stopping me. Right now; that is impossible. Im looking back at my past; its another life; not this one; and much of it must come back to me integrated; in reality; it has integrated but in smaller segments it is a segregated broken bunch of fragments of selv’s.
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All serious business; Ill be doing this until the day I die; No problem; the relief is worth it. And; This is my path.
Its hard at times being in the recovery process; no one really knows me or whats going on; they can only relate from there own point of view; and thats impossible concerning my stuff; really! It is.
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I made sure no one knows enough about me to really get a grasp of anything. However, I spill just enough to allow emotions and understanding about broad general ideas I may be suffering from or going through. In a sense I talk about nothing but personal things and how they have personally affected me but I never talk about anything personal; not within a 100 miles of it; most of it is generic.
“ I went through bad things” or “ My mother and father; this is the root of all the trouble and what I work on”; I might talk about the same story of psychopaths in the family and what they did or I was abandon and sexual abuse or drug abuse later at a later date and such; The first girl I fell in love with. Not much else. What got me on social security kind of things; but not enough for anyone to really know anything.
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So; I want to get better and learn how to participate in my life again and not be sidelined or without any personal power or confidence.
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Whats changed; Ive learned with the universe helping me; Ive learned I can go back and face some things and take a few steps forward; thus; learning how to become active in something that was shut off from me; something that was only in my childhood a shut off childhood; or something I started in my childhood; Like Art; that later was completely shut out from me; it belonged to another aspect of me that was back in my childhood and not present. I was not allowed to participate. I could not; even attempting to get close to it; I had amnesia and could not remember what I was going to do. I would forget I was going to pursue art and I lost all desire as if it came from another personality. And that would last for months and months… I would go for 20 years claiming I was going to do art work again and then I would switch out to someone else immediately and it would be forgotten.
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Today; I have Art canvases and supplies right next to me as Im writing this and every few seconds I grab a crayon and just put a line on that paper; with the satisfaction that its present in my life all the time; all day long; and I can draw on it hundreds of times a day if I want RIGHT NOW! No problems… With much work; it came back to me; the universe aligned it again in my life into the present.
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