OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon May 14, 2012 12:34 pm

This blog is running slow!

Iv'e been venturing out. More and More My condition is turning back into a severe anxiety disorder. Most of the Pshyzo condition is disappearing. More specifically when Im alone. However, under pressure of the outside world, when I have no place to hide, it remains. Its not the same as before.

For the first time in my adult life, the dissociative condition is being broken through. The real me, the original personality is starting to come out. Its starting to shine through. I want through. It is happening.. This is a great thing.. Its a beginning. It will take time.

I have no memories as I wake up. Its as if I got on my bike to ride to the store. The sun is shining, I looked back at my house on Palouse st, I headed by my best friends house and the other houses on the block, as I am traveling forward I start to day dream, as I enter the parking lot of the store I look down and notice my arms. White hair is protruding from the skin. Its not white hair, its grey. I have grey hair. I have aged 40 years within a few moments. Yet, somehow I know, Im 50 years old. Yet, I notice nothing, and nothing seems wrong. Im not sure why. Im not sure how the mind can turn the past off. I become present and nothing matters. Im aware something is strange and something is wrong, Yet, I don't remember. So I go forward as the original me.

Problems:

Getting ran over by people; specifically the dumb spoiled middle classes. Not all, some. Im still getting manipulated. Im a nice guy, I respond to people as a nice sincere person, my biggest mistake. I have to learn to have boundaries, stay away from these manipulators. They are arrogant stupid manipulative people. Im of a decent sort, I don't except people to take advantage of me. Its horrible. I am undercut and have no idea what happened. By the time I understand, its to late, Iv'e been taken.

PTSD problems remain, they are bad.
Dissociative condition remains. its better, there is movement beyond freeze state. Still mass problems; the close I get to people ( physically close) I dissociate back into unreality.
AVPD is alive and well, it gets better as the DD gets better.
D.I.D. is what it is. Im not bothered by it. I switch once in awhile. All alters seems to be working together. Im still detached from the original broken tortured person. Im not sure what to do about this. I will have to continue to work on it. I don't have the problems others have with D.I.D. Im not sure why,. My alters are fairly quit at this point. We are all working together, not allot of conflict. I think this is because Im on my knees to God all day long, so my alters know Im trying the best I can to go in the right direction.
General Anxiety is a bitch: The electric fence never goes away, its a constant challenge.

Iv'e dropped down from 100% to about 75% to 50% in all areas. This is a great thing.

Im drumming again. Practicing every day. I want to get a big speed metal set and put together a speed metal band. This cannot not be now; in the future.

Still cant sit at the computer and create the way I want to, I dissociate to much.
----------------------------

Went to work today for a friend. First Time Iv'e worked in a long time...
I was nervous at first, However, after awhile things got better. The impaction of being so close to someone, taking orders, working so close, causes great stress to the PTSD areas; I knew this.
I wasn't sure how much I could take. I am infected from the start. The question is; how much can I take; then what?. I was ripped up emotionally after the day was over.. About 5 hours of work. It had nothing to do with the physical. It had to do with exposure. I had no control over my environment. The different alters in me went bizirk. I did survive. I did OK as long as someone else was doing the thinking and I was taking orders as a helper. I cannot handle the pressure of any responsibility or to be focused...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun May 13, 2012 12:21 am

Im AVPD

Through most of my life, almost all of my life; I have never been enough. Yet, Ive been fine with GOd and for a long while as a child, I was OK with myself. Others saw I had a life; destroyed it.

So confusing. Do I love or let them go. My rule has been: if they treat me with no respect then they must go. Yet, what if they respond to my attention in favorable ways. Its really strange. Emotionally Im accepted. Economically; not excepted. For some, economics is more important then who I am as a person.

I don't like shallow people. I never have. What happens when I attract a shallow person. What do I do; right them off; date them, or be friends. What do I do. Should I get to know them first; with the understanding that they may have to be let go. Do they like me, or, is it about the clothing I wear. Is it both. What If the clothing is fake. Should love be based on love or money.

I love you , I want to be with you, You have money and you have love. What!, you only have love, yet its real love, long lasting love. No thanks!, I need money to go with that milkshake.

Im not sure how to deal with Personality disorders that Im attracted to. I don't know what they want.

I feel at times I was thrown away; lack of funds. Its not that I cant talk people into things. I don't want to. Why cant I be accepted for who I am.

Im afraid to communicate with people that are murky. They will say one thing and later mean another. Im not sure what to do.

Ive talked to therapists about it. The answer I got from them: good luck. Your more brave then I am.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu May 10, 2012 10:13 pm

Still getting bullied. I haven't dealt with that. Haven't dealt with thugs that try to control me. Big shots with small minds, they are making life unsafe. People that are so stupid they actually believe they scare me. I am scared, scared of the district attorneys office. Im not interested in going to war and ending up in front of the judge. Yet, I still have to get the resentments out and I have to learn to live with out having a reason to be pulled in front of the judges office. Its about older deeper resentments.

Im trying to live through the wrong people to solve my problems. Im on the edge, living dangerously. Im in delusion if I think my thinking is healthy, it is not, it is resentment based and could get me killed. However, more realistically I will end up humiliated and looked upon as a class clown that others don't have to take seriously.
Others are forcing me into a corral to compete with them. Im being forced against my will. I can leave. That is my only option. Im an honest honorable man. Many people don't like people like me as the rules I live by dull there life style. These people live by one ideal: authority. Either they rule or get ruled. My opinion: I don't have time to be a victim or the victimizer, nor am I interested in playing games. TRix are for kids!

Im hooked like a fish. I want to kill, I want to fight, I want to kill and fight anyone that looks or acts like the people that hurt me from my past. I am finding myself hanging out or around these undeveloped humanoids, and Im getting taken advantage by them. Im not sure what to do. Im overwhelmed. I need to walk away and get out of the harmful situation; grieve the loss and move on.
Its about Pride, its about humiliation. To be publicly humiliated sucks. Its almost to much for me. I want to kill.

I want to go back and fight some more.

I dont like being controlled by people that push power, when they have non. Bullies try to intimidate and scare. I haven't dealt with the bullies from the past. How can I deal with the ones from the present.

More step work!

by **OMNICELL** on Tue May 08, 2012 3:47 am

I have to remember

Life is lonely

I have to reach out

Dealing with work issues is coming next. Just talking about it; this will be hard. Work issues, control issues, carry many deep loads of PTSD.

Most of this blog is the PTSD talking. Something triggers in me and the warrior alter comes out, or traits of this alter.

The problem is; I live in a land of people that do not respect boundaries. They are controlling and stupid. People that cross my boundaries; I want to kill. To me, its war! Its that simple. I ain't going to war to French Kiss in the parking lot. Im going to war to kill anything in my killing zone.

I am at odds with my society and the way it has been running. I have no idea of the boundary structures that are required to deal with people that of my country that cross me. To me; If a man crosses into my 3 foot space without permission, with no respect for intent. He's dead! Thats his fault, not mine. Next time he can be invited into my space. Next time he can think first. But then he will be gone, wont he!

I like dealing with real men. They understand the way of things; the laws of the jungle. Respect/boundaries/territory

Women have taken over the masculine role of men.. If that isn't confusing, I don't know what is!!

Iv'e had women come up to me; attempting to push me around, bully me as if they are in charge. Are you kidding!... A bunch of girls in three piece suits acting like men. ###$.. What is the world coming to. Iv'e had professional women treat me like was a little boy; try and order me; or intimidate me. Its all very sad to see this in my country. Men acting like girls to survive. Women confused, acting like men, having to play the role of a man because some one has to step up to the plate. Its not the women's fault, what is she suppose to do. She has to take over, she starts acting masculine. The problem is the women don't understand. Men are born to protect. They are protectors of the tribe. The are the killers of the tribe. When a women tries to bully me. Im stuck.. Im not going to beat her to death. She has no idea what is really going on in the world. This whole thing is looney.

I'll adapt somehow.

I cant explain boundaries to a women; a mans boundary territorial set up. Women aren't made for such things..

Women treating me like an object. An object to climb over to get ahead. Thats a dangerous thing to do. I don't get any of this! society has lost its way! Iv'e lost my way. Im trying to get back..

I am a foreigner in a foreign land.

P.S. Im not going to kill or hurt anyone. Im venting in a PTSD way that really helps. I think that is what this forum is for; at least for me.

Thanks

OMNICEL

by **OMNICELL** on Sun May 06, 2012 5:09 am

I am healing from Dissociative disorder; I am not healed. I was 100% disabled. Many therapists were baffled by this diagnosis. Good therapists are different then the general therapists. Those just out of grad school are fine, However, these new graduates work better with generalized medicated clients of the the state system. Those with specific needs and specific diagnosis must find a new home. Private therapy can a better thing; the therapist takes a personal interest in the client. Having enough common sense to point diagnosis in the right direction; the patient will progress.

I am healing;

The group of therapists or the center I received therapy had a question. " How did he stay alive". I was lucky to be alive. ITs a bit humorous now. The CPTSD levels were so high for so long, I was equal to a schizophrenic. My mind was torched, destroyed, melted down. My nervous system was shut off. I had no memories. I had complete dissociative amnesia; 100%. This is a bit different then the Hollywood version of amnesia. One knows they are alive, I was born?. My mind would not connect to any part of me, I could not remember anything until a few years ago. D.I.D was very strong at that time.

I had many complaints from fellow 12 step people. I was described as a ghost or a shadow man, that when I spoke, although I gave out information, I never talked about anything specific associated with self or my past private life. I spoke in riddles, I had no past; I would not tell them why!

My life was destroyed and God resurrected me from the walking dead. I could not remember anything. I could not remember nor did I understand that I could not remember that I could not remember or understand. I was a strange shallow entity with no depth or history; a nowhere man! I felt safe being locked up in self. Death raddled, I raddled with it. Long sleep, the only safety.

Things are different now:

Im much better from the more severe levels of dissociative disorder. Those conditions that appear like schizophrenia are much less in nature. I have 200 other symptoms to deal with; not an easy path. My mind is permanently damaged or ruptured. My nervous system can feel again, yet its on fire all the time, and the PTSD is greatly active. My levels of anxiety are so high, I stay in the apartment all day and look for relief. However, Im used to all of this. Unfortunately no one else understands any of this, meaning the locals. They don't think, they judge. They think Im a highly intelligent person that is exceptionally immature that wont get a job. Its either a blessing or a curse, this little town God brought me to; this little town I survive in.. ITs been hard! Yet, the ignorance level of the general populous in my cultural present experience has allowed a strange halo effect of safety. When people think your the village idiot, or severally immature, they leave you alone. Although isolation sickness sets in; lonely can be a good thing.

I will have hardcore memories; I will feel, deal, and heal. Iv'e been protected from the memories for 35 years. Memories wake up!. I may have to be someone else in-order to retract those "other" memory.

Memories of others that hurt me in cold blood will not be easy to deal with. I have forgiven those involved. However, I will connect to those memories, feel them and grieve them.

Today, I practice drums. I might become a professional drummer. I don't know.. I really don't know. What would that be like.

And the next round cometh

63 What does love got to do with it; AVPD

62 Stable but crazy

61

Blog 60 Continuing/ the slow healing discovery

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