OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 26, 2025 10:06 am

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Where I sit now. As I get strangely better; I find myself stronger and able to stay away from the 12 step groups more n more. But; I also find myself locked in my room at my apartment. Meaning; Im stuck in an apartment in a strange town. I don’t know anyone here. Ive spent my time at 12 step groups for therapy; and ignored everything else.
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I don’t really fit into the world outside of the 12 step groups; I don’t even know this place; this outside view of town. Im virtually alone.
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Its like Ive been in a hospital for 30 years; Now what. It seems like the rest of the world is built on money.
Sure; Ill work with God on my goals… Ill keep working with God on it…
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I have mentioned to some; that my goals have to do with Wife Family House car Money. So; Im not hiding the ultimate goals.
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Therapist;
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I have the same problems I was diagnosed with 30 years ago… I still have the initial internal problems; However; the recovery part of me is doing better; Im doing better enough, that I can see myself outside the need for the 12 step groups as a complete encompassed ( all I need) place. I can step out from the 12 step groups back to real life; The problem is; I can imagine a life in the outside world but have no idea How to go from the child view of life in my heart n mind; to something real in the real world…
I don’t feel qualified for anything real in the real world; I feel like Im 6 years old. Im in my imagination; Im helpless and want to be taken care of.
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Take away the 12 step groups; I end up with nothing; Im simply sitting here in an apartment in a strange land; Im a complete stranger here… I don’t know anything else here; I know no one here in this small town. I have no connections out in town. I don’t have any relationships and no house or economic sources in town; nothing. No connection; Havent even thought about it.
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Because Ive made it through the 12 step groups; Im showing Ive gotten a lot better.. but thats under certain conditions… Meaning; Ive got my needs met; step out of the 12 step groups; and I step back into society into nothing; I know nothing.
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REACHING OUT TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD:
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This means I start working with God on literally a new life out in town… outside in the real world. OK God; Ill work on imagining something new; I havent a clue. I have no clue; and no connection… Suddenly everything takes money… I don’t fit in.
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So; Ill work with God on alignment with God concerning all of this… Amen….
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The 12 step groups are a dead end at this point; Its like going to therapy for the first time… It works for the first time but not needed for ever. At some point they throw me outside into the world because Im able to connect with the world again…
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The problem now; How; not to fit into a 12 step group; but how to fit into the world outside… How do I fit into something that seems like a place of alienation. I have no way of surviving out there; I don’t know.
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So; Ill start praying about it…
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A certain transition must occur between the 12 step groups and the outside world; However; Altho I can feel this; Im already making it through this… This is uncomfortable and a bit lonely; However; Im fine… I mean; Im making it through; this is not a problem; its a little scary… But Im making it through.
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However; When I go through this gap; And I already am; I end up outside on the street of this town; in a socially oriented concept… Meaning; the town is a stranger to me. I don’t know how to fit into it.
I have no job; no finances for a house or placement in general in this town. I don’t know where to go or where I would fit in.
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Ill keep myself in incognito; keep quite about all of this while in these meetings, and Ill secretly keep it to myself while in the 12 step groups. I quietly pray and start asking for opportunities for the outside world; to be part of it...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 26, 2025 4:54 am

What is next;
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I have allot of growing and developing in the real world; as I get closer….
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Im slowly realizing Im back; where I was at a kid; but without the original family or fake friends or neighborhood or schools..
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The question is; what now…
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The most important part of inner self is coming back; signs of part of this deeper damaged area is present. My God; Now what do I do! I have half the strength or much less but Im here. And now; what direction from here. And getting severally triggered right now.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 25, 2025 11:40 am

Im an awkward person…
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Im back to dealing with this in the outside world; Im looking for ways to have success in life… What techniques do I need to use in my life to survive as an awkward person.
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And I use this concept of success; Im impression’d to have success… Im confident about my direction of being my self and getting the know myself and finding the right angles and directions that help me survive with being an Awkward.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 25, 2025 11:22 am

Being an awkward person;
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So; Im starting to get to a point; The idea of God; where God is helping me; is where I learn as I am; to learn life skills; To learn social skills as an awkward person. Im on my own to turn to God and work with God for help….
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Why is this important…
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Whats important about this; I wont have anyone from the past with me… This is important because I was lied to or abandon by these false acting people when young. I needed them socially to survive. I needed them because I was an awkward person.
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Strength in numbers…. I needed different people to depend on socially. It means; Its like Im blind and they are holding me and keeping me up and helping me across the street where I cant see… They are like brothers and sisters that are helping me…. Taking care of me; keeping me safe from society; inner society where Im safe; like coming from a big big house or mansion or castle where I can hide in the castle at different layers that keep me safe.
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When young; I depended on these people; I went out as a very young boy and found them and became friends with them.. and ended up at their homes… Unfortunately for me; I was used. None of these people took me seriously. They were never the friends I thought they were. In fact; I found out later; they were never friends of mine at all; I just thought they were; or I was led on thinking they were my friends; when in reality; they had alternative motives.
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I felt OK when I was around them. Meaning; I felt better; like having extended family.
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These origional family system I came from; not a family; they lied also; their were no real relatives; no real anything; they were not our friends and others were monsters who hurt children…
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As a child; I certainly didn’t know this; I was being completely fooled. To Bad… No future in those places… So; ….
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Here I am now; Im now heading forward again; but I have no one from my past; what does this mean; I means I have to turn toward God for the help I need… And then God takes my hand and the Universe takes my hands… and brings the right people and places and things and start over out in the world land…
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This time I learn how to go back out in the world not alone; but alone from the past…
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I thought I had high quality friends from the past; but in reality; these were sociopaths probably. I was being fooled. The ones I thought were close; including anyone from the family system I came from; their was no safety there; but I did not know that. I had no safety through any of it at any angle. I was around sycophants and didn’t know it.
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What God has for me now?
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I am starting over and awake; much like when I was a child; with the same anxiety disorder… but Im awake and starting over again socially just like when I was a child.
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This time Im free of the past; free of the shame, remorse, resentments and expectations of the past; I see the whole picture; the bigger picture I need to see; I was trapped in a war with no way out until I got out. There would be no success in that past life except escape… that would be the only really sane thing I would hope to become aware of; And that was an angle God continued to impress upon me even from a very young age; I simply did not understand until later; I found myself in vast situations to escape… thats all that was on my mind…
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I was escaping from a world that had no future in it. God seemed to know what was going on; I did not; I was only being given hints. Now I understand the bigger picture. I was never around friends.
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SO; Here I am now…
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It is truly a bloody miracle to tell you Im starting over.
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Ive made some social success survival within the 12 step groups Ive attended… This means; Ive created a cushing network where I feel safe from the outside world… Much like Im a castle; deep within the castle walls…
Because of this...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Sep 24, 2025 11:28 pm

Relationships; The next factor… The next set of procedures…
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Heres the deal; Im in a change and gap. My maturity does not go beyond where Im at. I need a few more years of experience in order to have the confidence and directions to have a girlfriend.
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I need all new earned experiences; meaning; courage that develops new experiences… and Id have to have support.
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Im truly at an unknown stopping point or beginning starting point. I feel like a 13 year old who doesn’t no anymore then a 13 year old. I know no more then this… I really do not… However; I desire an outcome or later desirable goal.
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Im like a boy who has never had a girlfriend; Where do I start! Im in that spectrum as an adult.
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Im an adult man really looking for or asking God to attract to me; I first girlfriend of this quality; Ive never had one at this quality; meaning the right women for a relationship.
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So; Im preparing with Gods help to go through this Gap of development; If making it through this Gap; I will be prepared for the kind of girlfriend God has in-mind for me; Im at this place. This starting place into this gap; learning new development… Its literally all new to me.
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In my past; I never had a family or friends or neighborhood or anyone on my side to learn anything… it never happened; Now; Im asking God for help for this to happen.
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So; That's my first objective here; as for moving forward with the development concerning relationships. I guess????
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Ill talk to God more n more about where to start here. And what to do and what to do next; Amen. Ill talk to the Universe and wait for a message…
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Where I sit now

What is next

Im an awkward person…

Being an awkward person;

Relationships; The next factor…

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