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Learning to believe again…
Learning to believe again…
0 Comments Viewed 264 times Im starting to see a specific…
Im starting to see a specific…
. GO AFTER WHAT I WANT AND BELEIVE... . Im afraid of success…. And being part of it… . Its easier not to get involved or take chances or even worse; be involved… . Im scared to death of not being enough… . I have to work with God to be myself; and not someone else regardless. I have to learn to be outgoing about what Im not; and be totally open about it…. I have to have real courage from the start about what Im not; and who I am. So; in front of women; Im just myself as is… I have to practice this; practice feeling good and safe around women; being myself; where women are something Im not afraid of. . So; I have a goal; its feeling natural and safe around women because of who I am not them; Nothing is more scarier for me then being around women. Its about feeling like Im 11 years old. . As I gain more confidence out in the real world; Im shy and timid and scared and shy. And I feel intimidated around women; I feel like a 6 year old… . I want the ability not to go into freeze mode around women; and work with God to find the right women I feel safe around… . However; this is all on me… Its my inside self; I need to be familied and loved again… and grown. So; Ill work with God on this; Ill work with God and ask God for the direction to get back in correct line with God and society so I can be around women again; Learning first to feel safe and to come responsible for this part of my life; Amen. . Interacting up close with women is the goal… Getting and meeting the right women; Asking out women; setting things up correctly… . Just; Getting this part of my life down… . With in this realm is the nature of the abuse I went through. . . THE GOALS . . I want a girlfriend… . That is the goal… . . HERE IS THE DEAL; The goal is to get worked up through experience and confidence for this objective… That gets me right up to the port of interaction with new people socially. . We are talking about becoming social; that is the problem; It is not women; that are the problem; the problem is; Women are impeded within the fabric of social experiences in society. . This is more about becoming present in social groups; possibly smaller groups of 20-60 people; small cultural environments… . I have to learn how to function in those situations; and with women. . My personality and nervous system are disabled around others. I shut down shut off; I go defensive; I go into freeze mode or fawn mode to get out of things; I do not face people or things…. This has to do with social in general. . I care way to much about what others think of me or may think of me; within people. I have to learn how to be around people and keep my value; I cant say this any better then this; This is my #1 Goal to start with; This must be mastered. . I have a tendency to immidiately want to go into my past and ruminate; I do this because Im scared to death of success and the responsibility it would create; I Think! . I know this; Its all social; Its about becoming present enough to understand; Ive got problems social close up with people. This is because of past abuse and my present condition because of it. . So; Im slowly getting there; Im slowly accepting the reality that I have a goal; and that goal is social and how I interact with it; and how I feel about myself socially. . The goal is to learn to stand up for myself around others… Stay myself; fight to be myself; and get away from those who will not. Its about not freezing up when I start getting stress attact from the past. Technically Im not done with the the systems of the past; Im still the same person; Nothing has changed; Ive got disabling problems from the past. . The point is; Im getting close; close to the acceptance and understanding that its about becoming present and social. Its about becoming present with a social goal...in the present and dealing with ... [ Continued ] 0 Comments Viewed 191 times Where I sit now
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Where I sit now. As I get strangely better; I find myself stronger and able to stay away from the 12 step groups more n more. But; I also find myself locked in my room at my apartment. Meaning; Im stuck in an apartment in a strange town. I don’t know anyone here. Ive spent my time at 12 step groups for therapy; and ignored everything else. . I don’t really fit into the world outside of the 12 step groups; I don’t even know this place; this outside view of town. Im virtually alone. . Its like Ive been in a hospital for 30 years; Now what. It seems like the rest of the world is built on money. Sure; Ill work with God on my goals… Ill keep working with God on it… . . I have mentioned to some; that my goals have to do with Wife Family House car Money. So; Im not hiding the ultimate goals. . . Therapist; . I have the same problems I was diagnosed with 30 years ago… I still have the initial internal problems; However; the recovery part of me is doing better; Im doing better enough, that I can see myself outside the need for the 12 step groups as a complete encompassed ( all I need) place. I can step out from the 12 step groups back to real life; The problem is; I can imagine a life in the outside world but have no idea How to go from the child view of life in my heart n mind; to something real in the real world… I don’t feel qualified for anything real in the real world; I feel like Im 6 years old. Im in my imagination; Im helpless and want to be taken care of. . Take away the 12 step groups; I end up with nothing; Im simply sitting here in an apartment in a strange land; Im a complete stranger here… I don’t know anything else here; I know no one here in this small town. I have no connections out in town. I don’t have any relationships and no house or economic sources in town; nothing. No connection; Havent even thought about it. . Because Ive made it through the 12 step groups; Im showing Ive gotten a lot better.. but thats under certain conditions… Meaning; Ive got my needs met; step out of the 12 step groups; and I step back into society into nothing; I know nothing. . REACHING OUT TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD: . This means I start working with God on literally a new life out in town… outside in the real world. OK God; Ill work on imagining something new; I havent a clue. I have no clue; and no connection… Suddenly everything takes money… I don’t fit in. . So; Ill work with God on alignment with God concerning all of this… Amen…. . . The 12 step groups are a dead end at this point; Its like going to therapy for the first time… It works for the first time but not needed for ever. At some point they throw me outside into the world because Im able to connect with the world again… . The problem now; How; not to fit into a 12 step group; but how to fit into the world outside… How do I fit into something that seems like a place of alienation. I have no way of surviving out there; I don’t know. . So; Ill start praying about it… . A certain transition must occur between the 12 step groups and the outside world; However; Altho I can feel this; Im already making it through this… This is uncomfortable and a bit lonely; However; Im fine… I mean; Im making it through; this is not a problem; its a little scary… But Im making it through. . . . However; When I go through this gap; And I already am; I end up outside on the street of this town; in a socially oriented concept… Meaning; the town is a stranger to me. I don’t know how to fit into it. I have no job; no finances for a house or placement in general in this town. I don’t know where to go or where I would fit in. . Ill keep myself in incognito; keep quite about all of this while in these meetings, and Ill secretly keep it to myself while in the 12 step groups. I quietly pray and start asking for opportunities for the outside world; to be part of it... [ Continued ] 0 Comments Viewed 243 times What is next
What is next;
. I have allot of growing and developing in the real world; as I get closer…. . Im slowly realizing Im back; where I was at a kid; but without the original family or fake friends or neighborhood or schools.. . The question is; what now… . The most important part of inner self is coming back; signs of part of this deeper damaged area is present. My God; Now what do I do! I have half the strength or much less but Im here. And now; what direction from here. And getting severally triggered right now. 0 Comments Viewed 435 times Im an awkward person…
Im an awkward person…
. . Im back to dealing with this in the outside world; Im looking for ways to have success in life… What techniques do I need to use in my life to survive as an awkward person. . And I use this concept of success; Im impression’d to have success… Im confident about my direction of being my self and getting the know myself and finding the right angles and directions that help me survive with being an Awkward. 0 Comments Viewed 448 times |
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