OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Dec 02, 2024 2:14 am

Dissociative disorder and coming out of fantasies
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So; I recently blogged that Ive been working through the past; Yes I have; with Gods help.
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And Im under the understanding now that Ive been dealing more with a dissociative fantasy that takes my mind over ( because its weak) and cannot sustain reality. This means I was dealing with people of the past? Or was I.
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I created a dissociative fantasy about those people in my mind and turned to those false fantasy memories…
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I couldn’t help it; it seems I would turn off and then I would be in that realm with that other person play acting in my mind with that fantasy person… I was playing any role I thought I needed. But the protective part of me was creating the fantasy I think to protect me from ever being in the real world and dealing with real people.
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The problem was; I was never dealing with real people; I was always in a dissociated state concerning certain people.
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At some point I got tired of it all and wanted out. And thus; working with God I am now legally more awake…
Im awake enough that when I do dissociate into that fantasy state with that faked fantasy person; part of me that is awake knows it… Im awake now when it happens; and I can chase the false fantasy away and stay awake without it and deal with life as it is…
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So; now that Im experiencing being awake; Its strange to see a fantasy person in my head show up to appear to be getting close to me emotionally speaking…
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Im awake now when I dissociate to see this person; I don’t have to completely chase them away. Because Im awake; all I have to do is stay awake; because, this allows me to know its all fake; theirs no one really their; its all in my imagination of a dissociated condition… It very quickly disappears…
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Im much more present and really wondering if I had ever really been dealing with real people much of my life.
I may have been dealing with ghosts in my dissociated state; or a kind of Cyber brain created phantom that takes the place of a real person.
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Either way; Now with Gods hep Im much more present..
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Today I was with a friend in a truck… I looked over at the local colleges… I saw an old home. I told my friend; Id like to buy that home.
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Why was this comment interesting?
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Well; I wasnt talking from a dream state position; I wasnt in fantasy land or Disney land channel in my head. I was talking about a real house I was seeing in front of me and I was talking about wanting to buy it for myself to live in. I don’t have any money; I don’t know how I would get the money; but I was not in dream land.
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My ability to fantasize and visualize and desire is all starting to mesh much stronger with reality. They are all kind of working together now under God to create a stronger me….
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In the past I just stayed in my head; their were no real realities; That would have been to much for me. Now; not as much. My brain is stronger; thats what counts…
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It was a very smooth experience…
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My ability to want a desire appears to be much more real; a car a wife kids a house money…
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How to create art or music or writing…
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I must admit; Im much older now; an old man… senior citizen. However; really; it doesn’t have that much to do with anything…
Ive done allot of work over the years to learn success based thinking concepts and I think all the recovery work and work with God and success based thinking work; and laws of attraction; all that Ive studied has helped to change me.
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Certainly all the work Ive done on resentments and working through the past until I kind of drop away from the past. I finally accept 100% what happened; I take full responsibility for everything; Im not talking about sexual abusers who attacked me or parents that abandon me when 9; Im talking about all the trouble with the rest of the world.
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Suddenly I just kind of drop away from everything and land back on the earth… Those things I ...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Dec 01, 2024 4:55 am

It is over….
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I must heal……
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Its as if I was under the spell of a Witch….
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The universe has brought me out of it…
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Now; everything has changed. And Ive come back to myself….
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Im speaking of FIRST LOVE; Or what ever monstrosity that was….
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And what evil this is….
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A whole family of Evil. Only through God when I discovered the brother was just as evil and a part of his sister; it was like a team of vampires feeding on and finding victims… One would set up the victim and then bring the other to his sister. They were truly pure evil.. Monsters… Working together….
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Dangerous… Pure psychopaths…
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One is pulled in never to be seen again…
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God has rescued me; But rescued me to what?
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Suddenly my mind is peaceful and in the present… Im in my Right Mind… Kind of; much like the Witcher video game… Atleast the games before the Woke corrupted them….
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Here I am; suddenly everything is quiet; like being in a jail cell all this time… Never realizing I was in my mind and within my mind in a vast coffin of poison; where my delusions were fighting imaginary monsters; and hoping to surface some day; if I did surface; what would I surface to? Surface to what…
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It has been done..
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She is no more…..
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Acceptance is of the day…
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It is what I asked for; Asked for from God….
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Im still bloody beat up from the street up! My nervous system feels like it went through a tug-a-war…. My mind is about the only thing left in tact; well; I should say my soul is free.. A part of my troubled soul is suddenly here and in peace…
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Its been freed…
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Now What!
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I slowly learn how to live again.
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And all of this I asked God for; many moons ago…
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I am no longer hooked at the edges of this insanity; I have fallen from it; fallen to the ground where I just lay… I lay and look up… I am now at a more grounded level where the evil cant touch me; cant find me; For; The meek shall inherit the earth.
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Will I have to write more on that past situation? I don’t think so. I think Im done…
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Do I feel done. Yes; I crossed a divide… To the other side.
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I may not be in very good shape; after such a long fight; but its over…
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If I have grievousness and resentments and anger and quiet discontent; it wont be connected to that part of my past; the part with the Witch… For there is no more “ part of me with the witch”; it is gone..
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I feel strange; almost sick to my stomach; kind of!
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I feel weak and torn down. I feel lost and found at the same time…
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I feel restless and at peace at the same time.
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I know I wont be going back to that subject.. Not for a long time.
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The main parts of this story; Ive unhinged/ unleashed from and fallen away…
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No longer belong to the spell that harnessed me and rode me like a ghosted horse on a white crystal cold snowy sparkling night…
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I wake up realizing what Ive not been doing for most of my life; Living. My mind was consumed; looking for relief…
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Now; I have a strange relief; It comes from God… The universe…
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It will take some time to get used to; to be free… \.
Im not sure what freedom is?
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Im not sure I can ever go back.. back to the spell that rendered me useless and broken. I may have awaken permanently… I think… Yes; still more fights in the present to deal with… But not with the Witch or her evil clansman….
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I am still mentally ill; I still have many fights and battles to deal with. I still have other monsters to give way to God...
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It is stressful to be awake..
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by **OMNICELL** on Sat Nov 30, 2024 4:03 am

New blog;
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So after doing much work on FIRST LOVE from the far past! ; Working with God; and sponsor for a very long time…
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Several things occurring.
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1. When very Young; Realizing with my codependency; I might be able to make it to her house (First Love) to meet her; but I couldn’t leave her house once inside; I just couldn’t turn around and go home because she wasnt interested; that long humiliating alone lonely path home with no one; failure; disappointment; I made a mistake… Discouragement. I could not accept I wasnt wanted and I made a huge mistake.. I couldnt go through Abandonment. I created a false narrative around her as if I had a chance with her; all fantasy; when I didn’t… She was already taken; not available. And she was never available to me; and I was never offered the chance… I should have just went home but I just couldnt. So; At that time when young; for months n months I will labor over nothing. She was not interested... I never got started with her. Actually; their was no one. I mean; no real connection between me and this person; it was all in my head.
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God;
I did not have an established mature relationship; working minute by minute relationship with God Jesus Universe; Holy spiritus; Angels of God… protectors… I had no power. And I had no one else. I was already broken and destroyed… Alone!
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THE NEWEST INFORMATION AND MAYBE THE BEGINNING OF THE FINAL INFORMATION…
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For the First Time; Finally; Nov 29th 2024
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I accepted I believe; 100% That I was mentally ill and very weak in mind and spirit and lost and desperate when I went to her house; and I accept that 100% She was not interested in me; She was just 100% playing me; and had no interest; I meant nothing to her… She probably never listened to a word I said;
She was not available…
Does this make sense. No relationship occurred; nothing occurred; dead silence nothing; I was played by someone who didn’t care… They probably would never see me again; never remembered my name; They felt nothing do not care or remember anything; I meant nothing to them100%.
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So; Their is nothing there… Nothing 100% zero nothing; Nothing to remember; nothing.
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Ive worked with God on this for a long long time. Done many different techniques to uncover the truth under Gods sovereign state…
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New Situation;
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So; For the First Time ever; something happened; As I was riding my bike to go and attempt to renew a document today; I saw a young women; And I thought; Im getting very close to having God work with me to find women suitable for me… to work with God on it in the REAL WORLD.
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Something happened; FIRST LOVE: Her picture popped up in my mind took over: This was from the child in me putting her picture up…
However; Something new happened;
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I saw my strong adult mind turn my head to the left a bit and I ignored it; I was able to bi pass that picture as if it has no power over me; I was thinking; Im better then this; I don’t need to look at that persons picture… and I was able to smoothly and strong enough evade that picture in my head and ride that rail above it until I got beyond it and then come back to my original alignment in my journey; FIRST TIME THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED>
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What does that mean? It means the adult in me is not interested anymore in that person; nothing. I take my chances now out in the real world with out anymore pictures of her… or remembrance of her; don’t need it; don’t want it. Im on a God Pathway; God is teaching me how to connect with GOd.. The horse first; Then the cart...
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Ive never been complete like this; Ive never been like this before… EVER!
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That is what all of this work is about; With Gods help; Ive become stronger in the present on this subject; Im running the show with God Now more n more; not the small child in me. The small child in me is not dictating my life on this anym...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Nov 27, 2024 10:52 am

Starting to discover the real me… Starting to discover the real me again… the uncovering. The uncovering of myself…
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Im starting to discover the uncovering of my real self; my real child self; meaning; ME; the real me…
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Because of the massive work undertaken to understand what happened when I was a teenager with this girl who lived up the street; someone I wanted as a friend; who was just manipulating me and had no interest in me; Because of this work… This; at the later stages of this work; The real me is being forced to become revealed… or at deeper levels the coverings of this person; my old self; real self in the beginning suddenly appears… and I can see him ( me); and see my innocent self as a child and what I was doing and loved to do and who I naturally am and like to be and who I am not… and I can clearly see my path.. I can see the sensitivity of self and how that pathway; God pathway directs what my interests are and what they are not; and what I was suppose to do with my life; how I was suppose to act and where I was suppose to be… and who I was suppose to be with.
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As this is uncovered by God; I sit back stunned. Im stunned because its open and vulnerable and real. I see ( pause); ME!
Im right there… I see me; the authentic me; I can see Jesus and the Holy spirit and God and the angels doing this for me; They are uncovering the sheds of protective sheaths that have kept me safe… kept me unknown way deeper where no one could get at me. And its being uncovered and Im seeing it; the real innocence; the real me and what I loved to do and who I am and what I like to do… and all of that had to be covered up so my Mother and Father would not destroy it… My mother tried to directly and indirectly; with the purpose of completely murdering someone… My father was more distant and passive about it but not. At the right moments he will abandon me with no conscious; nothing. He was never there in the first place ever; I just didn’t know it…
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So; All of that work towards this girl; uncovering what happened with this girl up the street when I was young; all of this work; and it actually ends up uncovering me!
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Im not done with the work on this girl up the street; that will only happen when it happens; I will continue to work on for the rest of my life if I have to until the day I die; However; the discoveries made as I do what God tells me to do; to continue to work on this uncovering concerning my association with this girl when young; as long as Im doing Gods will and keep working on it; its opening up or forcing the process of opening up myself at deeper levels to the point of finding myself; Is this what Jesus had intended. I don’t know; but I know God does this sometimes… it seems…
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And God is working on it right now with me…
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So what does this mean; finding myself; well; It tells me what I naturally like to do and where I like to go and be… The real me…
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and it tells me about my identity… who I really am. So; I will lie hidden and waiting to be rediscovered slowly and explore these personal areas.
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The point is; the real me has been exposed… So; I will slowly and cautiosly look into this identity and slowly under Gods care; work on it.
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What Im finding is how many things I don’t want to be apart of. Im a sensitive person and only interested in sensitive things; and nothing else; Ill put it that way. I have no interest in most other things.
I can see what I was suppose to be doing for most of the time and what I was not suppose to be doing for all of the time.
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So; the real me has been discovered and uncovered; or where the real me has been hidden… its like uncovering a treasure chest.
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I guess what Im saying is; Im connected to this original person. It was never safe being me… no one on my side; nothing. No one!
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This is truly a find… a find from God; However; how its handled is another story…
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[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Nov 21, 2024 12:21 am

New information; a changing attitude…
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First Love; Ive done enough work on First Love that; this person has fallen out of power; her original position with me; For some time now… shes slowly losing power with me and she is slowly turning into more a story for me to learn from; Do’s and donts. However; she is still alive and real to me; way to much; Still; Ill keep working on it with God…
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She is waning in this area of interest power focus and importance; However; she is still of importance; to much importance. However; the gig is up! I know the real power comes from the Universe; and the Universe can help me grow and develop down a God pathway; I don’t need women who live up the street. Im not suggesting I don’t need women; Im suggesting; Not the ones who live up the street that have no real invested interest in me; those who can take me or leave me because I made the mistake of associating with them; assuming they were nice girls who lived next door; What a horrible horrible deplorable mistake that was… Altho this is almost 50 years ago; Im still speaking of the present; because Im just now getting strong enough to come out of my shell. Ive been working on my recovery for a long time… and as I slowly develop; its to accept myself that I can maybe step outside in the real world… Maybe thats all I was ever trying to do in the first place; but I was damaged.
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Im not suggesting this girl when I was young; was not the right (Girl-Next-Door) for the right person; She just wasnt the Girl next door for me…. She wasnt right for me… And for some reason; It took months for me to finally accept the reality… I really was not mature enough for anyone or anything; I was totally destroyed person with no help at the time. But Ive had a hard time letting this girl off the hook; and I think the reason is; after much work on her inventory; I found she was a generally normal young women for a relationship.. The problem has been all my behavior of defense… I wasnt the average person.
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She wasnt the girl-next-door for me! But; I could never accept that let down…
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Oke; Then; Who was she; Well; she was part of a family I was never invited to. The person that actually invited me was her relative; a psychopathic or sociopath conman… and very dangerous because this was a cheat liar thief; a pathological one; very smooth very friendly and open; Women loved him; but he used people and then throw them away pathologically; I mean; it was no game. No conscious; nothing. No remorse on the kind of damage this person must have done to these people. I also new others who worked for him; and then after months; never pay them; nothing; and he would be completely friendly and open about getting them or giving them work at their relatives businesses.. I had a relative work for him because they befriended each other; My relative complained later that he never paid him; I mean; This is a pathological fraud; a sociopath with no conscious; nothing. This is who invited me up to the home with the girl I write about much in these blogs…
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I realized; In a real sense; I was never really invited; I mean; the girl or the rest of the family never invited me; Never told anyone they wanted to meet me; I truly was a stranger who showed up to their house; their fraudulent brother invited me.
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Their brother lied; he gave the impression that altho his sister was my age; He gave an impression that she might want to meet me; as if she was told about me; and that she was a nice down to earth girl… none of this was true…
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and this person ( her brother) and my relative were probably on drugs when they invited me; told me this stuff; both sociopaths…
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So;
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Where Im at now with this situation;
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Half of me is present and Im slowly very slowly learning how to trust God and come back to reality present. Its slow and hard.. But there is movement. ...

[ Continued ]

Dissociative disorder and coming out of fantasies

It is over...

FIRST LOVE; Several things occurring

A newer version appearing

New information; a changing attitude…

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