OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sun May 06, 2012 5:09 am

I am healing from Dissociative disorder; I am not healed. I was 100% disabled. Many therapists were baffled by this diagnosis. Good therapists are different then the general therapists. Those just out of grad school are fine, However, these new graduates work better with generalized medicated clients of the the state system. Those with specific needs and specific diagnosis must find a new home. Private therapy can a better thing; the therapist takes a personal interest in the client. Having enough common sense to point diagnosis in the right direction; the patient will progress.

I am healing;

The group of therapists or the center I received therapy had a question. " How did he stay alive". I was lucky to be alive. ITs a bit humorous now. The CPTSD levels were so high for so long, I was equal to a schizophrenic. My mind was torched, destroyed, melted down. My nervous system was shut off. I had no memories. I had complete dissociative amnesia; 100%. This is a bit different then the Hollywood version of amnesia. One knows they are alive, I was born?. My mind would not connect to any part of me, I could not remember anything until a few years ago. D.I.D was very strong at that time.

I had many complaints from fellow 12 step people. I was described as a ghost or a shadow man, that when I spoke, although I gave out information, I never talked about anything specific associated with self or my past private life. I spoke in riddles, I had no past; I would not tell them why!

My life was destroyed and God resurrected me from the walking dead. I could not remember anything. I could not remember nor did I understand that I could not remember that I could not remember or understand. I was a strange shallow entity with no depth or history; a nowhere man! I felt safe being locked up in self. Death raddled, I raddled with it. Long sleep, the only safety.

Things are different now:

Im much better from the more severe levels of dissociative disorder. Those conditions that appear like schizophrenia are much less in nature. I have 200 other symptoms to deal with; not an easy path. My mind is permanently damaged or ruptured. My nervous system can feel again, yet its on fire all the time, and the PTSD is greatly active. My levels of anxiety are so high, I stay in the apartment all day and look for relief. However, Im used to all of this. Unfortunately no one else understands any of this, meaning the locals. They don't think, they judge. They think Im a highly intelligent person that is exceptionally immature that wont get a job. Its either a blessing or a curse, this little town God brought me to; this little town I survive in.. ITs been hard! Yet, the ignorance level of the general populous in my cultural present experience has allowed a strange halo effect of safety. When people think your the village idiot, or severally immature, they leave you alone. Although isolation sickness sets in; lonely can be a good thing.

I will have hardcore memories; I will feel, deal, and heal. Iv'e been protected from the memories for 35 years. Memories wake up!. I may have to be someone else in-order to retract those "other" memory.

Memories of others that hurt me in cold blood will not be easy to deal with. I have forgiven those involved. However, I will connect to those memories, feel them and grieve them.

Today, I practice drums. I might become a professional drummer. I don't know.. I really don't know. What would that be like.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu May 03, 2012 11:51 pm

I have this creepy sick feeling like Im not alone. Like no matter what direction I end-up roaming in, Im not alone, someone is following me, looking over my shoulder, spying on me. I think this is anxiety/alter. Something is wrong. Im not right, Im not flying strait. Im not being honest with myself. I don't know how to fix it.

What do I need. What am I avoiding. Its all dissociative. I think Im doing the right thing; I can feel it, its the wrong thing. What am I doing wrong. What am I doing right?
Who's running me. Feel safe; that I have defeated death. Yet, Im heading strait for death. I feel like Iv'e been cheated out of my life.

I cheat myself when I hang out with people of lesser quality then I am, expecting them to worship the ground I walk on. I end up getting trampled to death. This situation is now being questioned. What do I do. Iv'e had several people flit there mouths off to me in a most unfavored way. I could have killed them, Im a honorable man. I will kill who disrespects my space. However, I do not live in a society that will allow this. It is not worth the hunt. One has to grow beyond war; no reasonable long term answer can be found in war. Another solution to war is maturity and experience. The ability to respond and walk away. The words thrown at me are fighting words; words of disrespect. On any other continent or land, they would be dead by my axe. Im sorry my country has fallen to this; a place of disrespect and corruption.

Im in the middle period. A period of coming back. I have a severe anxiety disorder, that is what dissociative disorder is. As I get better, it turns more and more into its original state; that of anxiety disorder. The anxiety machine is still present, its not spitting out as much. My mind will be damaged for ever. However, other parts of the mind heal, and take over for the damaged areas. My mind is way broken, yet more and more of me is taking over again and wanting and learning to live again. Its all a new journey that will start very shortly.

I will never see my parents again.. Why would they let me die. Why would they kill me like this. Why. I have that answer. The bigger answer of understanding.. The emotional answer will not be answered. My parents are sociopaths. That is the answer.

I forgive all people. I pray they have everything I could ever want in this life.

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People are strange in my country. They can be spoiled, immature and in a dream fantasy world. Concerning the conditions of those beyond the boarders; how the rest of the world has to live, my people have no clue. yet, they are the most neglected and thrown away of all. My people endure psychological abandonment at levels that would kill the average person of a lesser country. How the people in my country survive, meaning, having a reason to survive, or having a reason to continue living, is beyond me.

What a horribly strange mix this is; to be spoiled and neglected and abandon at the same time, And Im attempting to live with my people and get this disfigurement worked out. Worked out for myself, not others. Im not interested in others who are not interested in the greater good of the general condition. In a sense, Im just trying to go outside and survive. This game will continue.

by **OMNICELL** on Wed May 02, 2012 6:17 pm

Self help meetings, nothing new; I have to go. God has ordered me back into the rooms. With That,

Any group is a society!

Societies I don't like; small minds talking behind my back, I don't like. I don't like disrespect. Im an honorable decent person, an honorable respectable man, not some scumbag.

When I tell a man the truth, I don't except him to question it, or to question me! If a man hints at calling me a lier, Im through with him. Nothing is more horrendous then an honest man being called a lier.

What you think of me means nothing. Get a life. I am not your hobby. I'm not your Vodka so stop drinking me.

2 Faced:
One type of animal I assume to die in the jungle and never return, and If they do, I will help the extermination process. Thus, this animal is the " 2 Faced". Shiftless, sinister, laoth'm creatures causing trouble for any unfortunate stealth wondering in wrong paths, this animal is the cause of group problems.

When I first got involved with groups, people thought I was shady, later they called me shaky, later they called me crazy. This went on for a great while. And to the present; now they call me lazy! This never ends!

I will not , nor do I bow down to anyone. Only God will I bow. to the District Attorneys office I will bow onto one knee, I wont budge for the system more then that.

The human-being spend more time on its popularity then its journey. Seeking others approval, less time on honesty, more time play acting some type of thug-tuff role. The last thing I want or need is to be caught in the middle with these imaturities. On the tightrope I am forced to dance on.

I am complaining severally, I am lucky to be alive, I am grateful for the help:

The recovery process is a ruff and humiliating process at best. One feels good after the sun tan, not so good in the receiving process. The tan looks good, the hours sitting in the sun, not so fun. If God says "get a tan, it will make you feel better", I go. I don't question the masters orders. I do as I have been commanded. I worship God, I trust my master. This is possibly why hatred is thrown my direction.

Women of importance especially loath me. I have a strange way of pointing out that, life is more then finding those with social status and position. Not all women hate me,

I am loved by mothers; It has something to do with there children. Children feel safe around me. They run after me, they never leave me alone. I will kill anything that moves around them that would harm them, and there beaming bright faces now it. I love them like God loves them, like God loves me. I would kill for them or starve for them.. It kills me all day long, what is happening to them on this planet, this earth. Poor children. Poor children. I pray all day and night to God. " God please help them!, it is not my fault; You know that God! I would do more if I knew how, forgive me for not protecting your children Father, I don't know what to do, For give this country for killing, raping, abandoning your children, we have gone mad God, we have gone mad".

Mothers hate me; As soon as there daughters turn 18, there daughters start looking at me in a different way. Its not my fault. They picked me, I didn't pick them... And so many of them...

My reputation is worthless and yet has no value, As I am around people that have no clue has to the value of a good name or its deeper meaning. I am judged for competition purposes, much like a dog is judged for its grooming characteristics in a local Dog show. One is put on display, Thus a public figure is created. A public figure within a group.

And all of this I go through, following my Master, following my therapies, following my alters, following myself, that I my have relief from the mental disorder, from this life, from myself.

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Apr 29, 2012 10:31 pm

Im slowly allowing my self to trust God as I am pulled forward. As motion is created, I heal bits at a time. The healing is starting on the outside, not the inside. I feel a bit safer then before. Im beginning to be spontaneous with people, from a distance. In addition, Im working with the drums more and more. Ive started practicing again. Real practice; very beginning practice. Ive been riding my mountain bike harder; more jumps. Ive started artwork ; drawing again. A basic 2D animation program has been procured. Im hoping I work with the program long enough to develop basic drawing and animating skills. I was to sick in the past for such interactions or commitments. However, things are changing. Im on that edge of change. This edge will last for a long while. This is not a momentary condition; its a real change. Im scared to death. If I go back to, or am able to creep back to, the land of the living, what will be different this time?. Everything has to be different; I cannot be the same person or I will be hurt again and again.

The Past:

I continue to look at horrific past relationships. In fact, I was going to write about my first love again: I will write about her later. That subject will continue to be brought up for many moons.

Relationships have a theme; disastrous. I must work for change. My relationships were a mesh of mistaken identity:
I like them, I loved them, I valued them; they had no value for me. I didn't know they did not like me, I didn't know I had no worth or interest or respect. Henceforth, from these people I received upper middle class lies; from all. I didn't know, I thought I was loved, I thought I had friends ; a best friend, girlfriends. I was hated from the beginning, I was used, I had no friends, it was all conditional. I had no idea who I was dealing with. I was thrown away by upper middle class elitism. I would trust rapists in the local prison more then these people Iv'e mentioned above. Evil is a horrible thing, the worst thing on earth. I can forgive all, and I do forgive everyone for everything. The problem; these were not people, they were vampires. Its hard to for give demons in the shape of humans. I will forgive all!. I forgive all people.

I have been thrown away by all of the people I have known. All except?, Hmm.. Im thinking?
Im alone now, so, I assume I'm correct in saying ; No one has stayed by my side except God!. This includes all family members except one, and a niece and nephew. However, my niece and nephew have been told about there crazy uncle.This is all about hatred. I have not backed down to these people. It is not alright that others die that these people, the subjects of this blog, live as they wish. And this concept will not be changing from my opinion bank, regardless of who comes and who goes.

I must study the past; specifically relationships and ask; what went wrong.

I am an honorable respectable individual. There is no reason for what has happened to me. Im in a society of spoiled worthless inhuman morons. When the behavior becomes real abandonment, permanent abandonment; murder is the only assertion.

Can anyone be trusted?

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Apr 23, 2012 4:32 am

Take what you like and leave the rest. I use this blog to help release the pain and secrets built up from mental illness.

Im only as sick as my secrets!.

Just got back from the mission. Running low on money. Grateful there is a place to eat.

Feel like a Hobo; like the year of homeliness I endured and the stay in the park talking to the trees; a rough experience, wasn't enough> Hmm... That was a long time ago.

EBT card is low. Walmart took out the self checkout. I don't like running a food stamp card to the checkers, Im to embarrassed.

Social phobia is alive and well in the outside world.

My small apartment is thrashed again, that didn't take long. This usually happens when symptoms are up. I feel aloof, like a loft in Paris with easel and canvas, In denial, I imagine Im living the bohemian life style. I could never invite anyone over. They would never come back.

My self worth is nothing. That is why I have such a hard time with people. Yet, I know Im worth a great deal. If that isn't DBT, I don't know what is.

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In my room with the computer screen as the only light, as I lay down in the corner on an old cushion fusion pillow floor bed, the computer and I are one. On the computer I can be who ever I want to be. I am safe to be the better me.
In the real world I am nothing. Im a shadow on a bicycle going to the mission to eat. I escape alone, I return alone. I am a fantasy illusion.

I am the King of 12 step meetings. I get two messages: " If you can speak, why aren't you working" and " Why do you still have problems. How long have you been here?". ###$ them. ######6 Pu##ies.

I do not feel safe around people. I do not like them. I don't!. I feel like most of them are low self esteem recipients lying/hiding behind fake material facades. Seems like so many have altered motives.
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Nothing changes;

My biggest problem with social experience: I cannot come to grips with my endless poverty. I cannot come to grips with the judgement of others that see nothing of character direction. These people are viewing from a distance; They judge according to outside appearance. And Im not talking about therapists or the mental health system, Im talking about people with the same potential I have.

At times I feel Im doing well. Then I realize; thats on the computer. When I go outside into the real world. I cant function and I have no status to speak of with anyone. Im almost completely alone.

The real world is an electric fence I cannot compete against.

Im in a kind of denial. Like a King sitting on a thrown in a gutter of a lonely big city street. Sitting in a fantasy. Telling those that pass by how superior I am to everyone. They look the other direction in contempt and walk away as fast as possible, Thus , I remain alone and bewildered.

I forget about reality. I forget about the honest easement of my condition. I forget about who I am in the outside world. Im attempting to get back to Zero.

What determines my worth. God/myself. Is this enough!

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2 years ago:

I studied attraction techniques, I became quite proficient at it. How to dress, clean up, what shoes, what bling bling to wear. How to hold myself in a group of people. how to talk,how to walk, how to emote, how to work a room.
I created a giant front of interest from several small hordes of women. It worked!.
The actual goal was not dating. The goal was to brake through the dissociative barrier in order to interact with people. After praying about it, God brought me a goal. The carrot on the stick of interest. Women! Women indirectly saved my dissociative life.

A young women took interest in me. She was sensitive and unique and beautiful. I could see the small girl in her looking at me, wanting me to take her. She chased after...

[ Continued ]

Blog 60 Continuing/ the slow healing discovery

Blog 59 Creepy Frustrations

Blog 58 Society

57 piecing things together

Blog 56: A closer look: A double life

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