OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Mar 16, 2012 9:37 pm

Im not Brian... Ive been telling myself this all day... Ive been through this before... Before, when I would ride my bike and cry... I would tell myself that I don't know that person, its not me.. Im not named Brian... Who is Brian and why do they keep calling me this name.... Ive never been brian ... I don't know him... I feel like Im getting smothered when they call me this. I don't know how to respond to it. I feel much better being me... not him.... IVe never been him.. It is him that has caused all of this.. All of this upheaval. All of this pain.... I hate having to respond to him... Im not him. Why wont they leave me alone.. What did I do to deserve all of this... Im not the one suffering , he is...
Im the one that plays the drums.... Im the one that pays the bills not him... He plays outside... He rides the bikes...... At-least when he was young he would ride bikes. When he was 8 years old... by the time he was 9 he was dead... .

I feel more myself when Im not him..... When Im him I secretly want to be me... Im always me.. He is the secret... When others call me Brian I get nervous and don't know how to respond... Im not sure what they want or who they are talking to.. or talking about.. Im not sure. I know they want something. A little I don't have...

I don't know my name.... Im not sure... Im sure who I am...... Im not Brian... Brian Died... he has been gone long ago..... I don't like it when my personalty has to change. Change into something or someone I don't like just to feel safe... I don't want to change or shift anymore... Im not sure how the world looks Or who I am...

Who sent that stupid letter to that women. It wasn't me.. I wouldn't involve her in my business or make deals with her... This is crazy.... She thinks Im crazy. She doesn't understand, it wasn't me. I would never make deals with her. I would never get involved with her in the first place. It was brian coming up from the dead again...

Brain cant make decisions... that is because he is dead... Someone else was making the decisions... Hmmm... Someone else....

People think they know me. They do not.. I am secretly me not him... When the time is right I will reveal myself.... But why. Why do I have to....

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Mar 16, 2012 12:56 am

They want me to buy a house and get a job....

Why cant I find friends... Its terrifying to look through people to find the right ones..

Im the dog and they are the Horse Buggy, Carriage, Sleigh and Stagecoach. I pull them in the snow. They drink soda..

My decision or there decision.. they don't know me... They never wanted to know me.. I am an object..

Its enough to be on SSI... I would have killed my self anyway, I think about dying all the time.. I would do it. I would. I don't care... I don't give a ###$ either way...

Relationships:

Im afraid she will see all the porn I watch.

SSI:

Why do they think everyone is faking it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why would a well educated man like myself thro away his whole life for 650 bucks a month and have no girl friends...

Its against the law to be on SSI for a nut check and be able to communicate

This small town... On one hand I am safe.. On the other I am condemned...

My condition is a condition that repeats itself. It is like Diabetes... It never goes away..

I have learned a few things.. Don't tell anyone its a mind thing, or problem.. tell them you have blood transfusion problems or something. Or your rich uncle left you some money to live on each month.. Don't mention Nutsville... You will be judged for the rest of your eternity ######6 life..

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IF you get better, if you try to get better:

You will be judged..

When you tell the truth people think you are weak...

So many girls think they have upper status above me... They are so ######6 brain dead.

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PTST: One cannot react to the outside world through movement.

Pressure:

Some people do not want to listen to my diagnosis.. they want to create it for me and spill it back to me... they are not interested in my opinion. They have there own.... alone..

I am treated like a second class citizen... Its all fascinating.. It a bit scary...
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Sites like Psych Forum are great, because I don't have to explain. I can be.....

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:18 am

I have to make some beats, its the only way.. do some drumming. Still thinking about buying NI Maschine

I am 50 years old. Hmmm.

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Im on a curious journey no one wants to admit or validate...

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I wish they would leave me alone. Im not accepted///

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I was laughed at today
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I loved this girl and cant let go.. I lost her....!!! She found out I was a crazy, and I couldn't support her.. The inside of me meant nothing to her... I don't get it. I never will....

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People think Im lying. This leaves me hopeless and confused.. I want to run and hide away for ever...
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Now I will start over!

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Mar 12, 2012 4:46 pm

To lie is not going to work...

What about being a victim ? Hmmm/////........

Who is in control of me....

If I am to wash my clothing and live, I have to do it on my terms, not on theres. And that is the sadist(Saddest) thing.. And the hardest... It is so hard. Defeat is a great majesty... To bow down is such an abandonment.. Its the raping of soul-man...

The wave at which I never wanted to see. It cometh...!

I am easily overwhelmed.

I am easily persuaded if the cost is greater then the crime.. I am a fountain..... A man fountain... Like chocolate chip...

What will I do to be noticed. To be accepted..

Why am I not accepted... The world has turned upside down... Now its down on me!!...

The expression of the other self, I cannot betray myself.

The grieving process is slowed down... One day is a thousand years.. One grieve is the cry of eternity. The grave digs itself. Do I have to go along for the ride. Do I have to go along for the charade. Is there no peace in the haunted house...

I owe no one.....

I Am not, Im OK... Im not OK... Im buried alive.. At-least I spelled " buried" correctly, to spell a word correctly for the first time for this Dyslectic, is like hitting a whole-in-one on the golf course..

I hate, I am sorrowful. I fall, I never stand. Like a tilted house, backwards momentum to a strait path in the wrong direction... are those my feet..... I will never know... Moon landing... The solar wind is pouring in from all corners of the world..

Are you writing this to help me, are you writing this to hurt me. Don't lie...

Ive been convinced that being a bad child is a good for everyone. Its better to be a bad child then no child.! I don't agree. I think its better to be a good child in a disillusioned world of order..

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by **OMNICELL** on Thu Mar 08, 2012 10:54 pm

Maybe it was never America I was talking about. Maybe it was me!

Most of the people I meet out here in LA LA land are criminals/sociopath/personality disorder/Narcissist. Im wondering if this is all Im going to ever meet. Is this all that is left of my land. Boundary breakers, Family wreckers, and Liars.. Is that it... O yes? THe tuff guy.. A real man knows his boundaries when around another man. Their are rules. Theirs a 3 feet rule. Get closer and you get shot... Its as simple as that.. No respect, then meet God.... Most of the men that I meet are punks. They hide behind their social security numbers... knowing that they cant back up their mouth or actions. Its the local Judiciary system that backs them up. They run to the cops and the judge.... I hate these pigs.. They are wrecking my country.. Everything these days is wrecking my county. I don't recognize the place anymore..( ITs like living in a south of the boarder cesspool...[What about Norma, She is mexican]. Am I talking about her when I say South of the Boarder cesspool? No! of course not). This leaves me with questions.)

- My country is now a socialistic nightmare... the days of free speech or the right to pursue happiness are over.. Its true that it could be worse, this could be N Korea and I could be starving to death... Somehow I think I might take that rout... To be in a society of criminals like in America is to much. Im not talking about the Government), of course the government is sociopathic Elite. Worse then criminal, more sadistic sociopath.. Breaded that way... Hilary Clinton is a good example of this.

The citizen in America:
I am fearful of the next door neighbor far more then Iran or China or Soviet Union. The American is Godless, has been lied to, and believes the lie, And believes they are owed something by everyone with a mix of Sociopathic PTSD mixed in.. just enough indifference to make it equally implorable to prohibit anyone in proximity to experience freedom and a peaceful way of life...

I remember when God was in the schools. None of these problems exist.. When God was taken out of the school systems the children were left with nothing. Nothing but becoming test tubes for the state... 3rd world values and rituals..

The honorable man is dying in my country And nothing can be done about it.. Respectable people are no more... poor children! Poor people! Its my fault... Im part of it.. I feel ashamed that I could not do more... That I could not do anything to stop this..

Maybe it was never America I was talking about. Maybe it was me!

But what about me! What am I really saying, that I cannot accept my forced role in life. That I feel I have to live out this "one life" in exile, alone. Im forced by my thoughts to see things in only one way.. So much PTSD rushing through my brain... I cannot be, or remember, or be me.... This is the hardest part of being. Ive been here before, it creates the makings of a break from reality.. I cannot be forced to deal with the PTSD and the outside world. I will not be condemned because I don't function like other people in the outside world. I never have functioned . I never will. To much was taken from me when I was to young, year after year after year of it. condemned to an island of hell. I am lucky to be alive. The Dissociative disorder is more then an anxiety disorder, much more. The Anxiety disorder is much more, and not the same as anxiety.. Why they created the same name for these 2 different states I don't know...
My feeling is that I cannot be... Nor can I be what you or anyone else wants me to be. I am disabled, and always will be... I am almost 50 years old... It will take another several years just to think in terms of entering the world again at any angle... Just because I walk through it does not mean Im in it. Or that Im home.. Im not even sure who's house Im in. I cannot guarantee stability, even if you see stability. Are...

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