OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Apr 23, 2012 4:32 am

Take what you like and leave the rest. I use this blog to help release the pain and secrets built up from mental illness.

Im only as sick as my secrets!.

Just got back from the mission. Running low on money. Grateful there is a place to eat.

Feel like a Hobo; like the year of homeliness I endured and the stay in the park talking to the trees; a rough experience, wasn't enough> Hmm... That was a long time ago.

EBT card is low. Walmart took out the self checkout. I don't like running a food stamp card to the checkers, Im to embarrassed.

Social phobia is alive and well in the outside world.

My small apartment is thrashed again, that didn't take long. This usually happens when symptoms are up. I feel aloof, like a loft in Paris with easel and canvas, In denial, I imagine Im living the bohemian life style. I could never invite anyone over. They would never come back.

My self worth is nothing. That is why I have such a hard time with people. Yet, I know Im worth a great deal. If that isn't DBT, I don't know what is.

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In my room with the computer screen as the only light, as I lay down in the corner on an old cushion fusion pillow floor bed, the computer and I are one. On the computer I can be who ever I want to be. I am safe to be the better me.
In the real world I am nothing. Im a shadow on a bicycle going to the mission to eat. I escape alone, I return alone. I am a fantasy illusion.

I am the King of 12 step meetings. I get two messages: " If you can speak, why aren't you working" and " Why do you still have problems. How long have you been here?". ###$ them. ######6 Pu##ies.

I do not feel safe around people. I do not like them. I don't!. I feel like most of them are low self esteem recipients lying/hiding behind fake material facades. Seems like so many have altered motives.
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Nothing changes;

My biggest problem with social experience: I cannot come to grips with my endless poverty. I cannot come to grips with the judgement of others that see nothing of character direction. These people are viewing from a distance; They judge according to outside appearance. And Im not talking about therapists or the mental health system, Im talking about people with the same potential I have.

At times I feel Im doing well. Then I realize; thats on the computer. When I go outside into the real world. I cant function and I have no status to speak of with anyone. Im almost completely alone.

The real world is an electric fence I cannot compete against.

Im in a kind of denial. Like a King sitting on a thrown in a gutter of a lonely big city street. Sitting in a fantasy. Telling those that pass by how superior I am to everyone. They look the other direction in contempt and walk away as fast as possible, Thus , I remain alone and bewildered.

I forget about reality. I forget about the honest easement of my condition. I forget about who I am in the outside world. Im attempting to get back to Zero.

What determines my worth. God/myself. Is this enough!

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2 years ago:

I studied attraction techniques, I became quite proficient at it. How to dress, clean up, what shoes, what bling bling to wear. How to hold myself in a group of people. how to talk,how to walk, how to emote, how to work a room.
I created a giant front of interest from several small hordes of women. It worked!.
The actual goal was not dating. The goal was to brake through the dissociative barrier in order to interact with people. After praying about it, God brought me a goal. The carrot on the stick of interest. Women! Women indirectly saved my dissociative life.

A young women took interest in me. She was sensitive and unique and beautiful. I could see the small girl in her looking at me, wanting me to take her. She chased after...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Apr 21, 2012 4:24 am

Continuation of relationship topics:

Im preparing at sometime to go back out into the real world. My body has been outside, not my mind. my mind has been in a secession of CPTSD carnivals running back and fourth, looking for a trap door to escape the insanity.

At some point in the future I will say hello to strangers and ask them things, and call them things. Ive never text before, so I may have to learn that. Iv'e never had a cell phone. I don't want one. I would like a new Ipad 3.

I don't feel worthy. Its not that I don't have anything to offer someone. I don't have anything that others consider important or of value; of worth. Regardless of the real value of a thing, Im stuck dealing with a toy train ; not the real ones.

I am a higher more sensitive value-person. In my imagination Im with others who appreciate me. I don't have to explain who or what I am or lower myself to crude human inspired liturgies. instead, I may bask in awakenings of frigid Voltaire enlightenment. A secluded ray of hope in a dark sunshine- cloudiness, an open water hose in a dry ruthlessness.

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Never get out of the boat she said, as it was sinking.
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I am a very valuable human being. Yet, no one knows.

I am of worth. I am not noticed of worth! What the ######6 Hell is someone suppose to do with this society. I live in an emotional bomb shelter, a fall out cubical. Im safe; safe like hate.

Im of value, Im not valued. ###$, they never taught me about this in school!. No one prepared me for obscurity. ( " High, who do you attract? Weirdos, Why!, I don't know why!, Are you a weirdo, a creepo, No! Then why do you attract people of no worth. Hmm. Because Im worth something? that makes no sense. You attract what you are. Correct. unless your in my society, where right is wrong, wrong is right, up is down, and sideways is backwards. You will never understand upside down enlightenment. The whole place is like a ######6 backwards carnival ride). The front doors in the back by the treatment center. Tickets please!.

Im an Honest horse. Honesty horse?.

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My first love: I'll try to drill into this again.

I loved her with all of my heart. I really cared about her. Her sensitivity and her soul and her sadness. We are one (possibly). She tried very hard when I was around her. I didn't think I was good enough.
I was shocked by the whole experience. I was very sick mentally, about to get much sicker.
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I was alone. That is the major problem. I was completely alone at that time. I was 14 to 16 years old. I needed my parents. I needed feedback, safety, love, acceptance, I needed normal. I would not be getting any normal. I was hated from the beginning. And I am still hated now. The product of being brought up by social paths.

I write these blogs for a reason. Im looking to release each layer of denial that I may deal with the truth and the reality that is set upon me and in front of me.
The hardest part of this journey is finding myself aways alone. It makes no sense. Yet, it is the way of things.

My problems when younger are aloneness. No one can do things alone, nor are they suppose to. One is suppose to have loving people around to help, to gain feedback. I was alone. I was abandon and thrown away. By the time I met my first love it was to late. I could not function. I needed a parent to work things through. I needed advice on my feelings and how to proceed. I did not get advice, I had no support; None.. Psych support is what I needed; since the age of 9 I needed it. I was destroyed by the people I was living with. I was hated and not wanted. I was a throw away.

I became dissociative to survive. Then massively so. I had no protection. They wanted me killed.

Im attempting to wake up. That is why I write what I write. When I see the truth, I feel the aloneness. That is the hard part. To feel the aloneness with no support.

As I feel these realities again, I am alone again...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:26 pm

Im horrified that I had a mother.

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Im horrified that I fell in love with _____.

I loved _____, Im not sure what went wrong.

I loved _____. She just didn't get it.

Just because people need. Doesn't mean they need me. When Im the perfect match for her, When I would stay with her the rest of my life, when Im an honorable man that would love her with all of my heart. They responded:

1. Weakling
2. He meant nothing to me
3. Not enough money

I loved each one of these girls. I was not good enough. Im the best person that will ever cross their path. And the best person they had ever seen.. When will the stupidity of this general stop. When?

Weakling: Denotes someone that actually sees the others inner self and values that inner self. However, I simply don't have a truck or money.

He meant nothing to me: The viewer is in love with the girl. The viewer is honorable/upright/bright/real/honest/decent. The viewer does not have enough money/status/social positioning/popularity . Therefore, the viewer is looked at with contempt. No questions are asked. The viewer is thrown aside for another. My friendship means nothing to the person. Has no value.

Not enough money: contempt for those that rely on character. Suggesting one is greater then God, and only attracting those that are greater then the god ideal. Those looking and who believe they have found " real power on earth"..... They " got it going on". There looking for Gods, Gods that will knowledge Gods. "Im a God", "Your a God", "Lets worship each other". I don't want or cannot partake in this type of philosophy.

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I gave up dating when I was very young. I was a decent person in a very indecent world. I just wanted friends. I wanted someone to love. Horrified and crippled and confused from the confusing interacts with women, with anyone, I hid myself away. I did not know what to do. The equation could not be broken. I was an honest decent person that was not wanted. I will explain this in a deeper way in a different Blog. I will write more on this later.

The people ( women of interest, and anyone I tried to get close to) were despicable. It didn't matter what walk of life they were from. I was treated with such disrespect and contempt I gave up. I had no choice. I was stunned by the interactions that I had witnessed. I was shocked by the utter callousness of people.I simply did not know what to do.

If I looked like I had money, I was in. When they found out I had no money, I was out.

I gave up on women, not because I wanted to. Because no matter how hard I tried,I was not good enough. they taught me to give up. I was taught that a decent honest man was laughable and not wanted. No wall was left to climb, all doors had been shut. It seemed that their was always conditions to knowing someone. Nothing was authentic, nothing sacred. In confusion I had no choice. I gave up. I as an honest man, was of no interest. I looked up to God and through my hands in the air. He looked at me " Im so sorry, Ill buy a truck or something and make it up to you. Im so sorry, I never planed it this way!".

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I plan to date again.

First Im going to dump all the stuff I can about my past and pain and everything else.. Get it out, keep going..

Im scared to death that Im not enough. That being nice isn't enough. I know how to attract women. It doesn't matter. It seems nothing but a game of charades.

Im not sure what to do. I feel like Im from another planet with a different set of values. I cannot live up to the most basic of interests that women want. I would have to lie about everything. I don't want to lie to anyone. I just want to be myself.

I would like to be esteemed for my true worth. I don't know what to do....

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Apr 17, 2012 4:35 am

As I slowly press onward and inward I realize I am alone. Nothing has changed. The world is as I left it. It was a horrible place when I left. An indifferent Godless place. Nothing has changed. It remains the same. As I look for what is real, I look for it alone.

When I was a small boy in school, first or second grade, I loved the Christ based Christmas shows every year. In those days God was everywhere in the school systems. The flag was everywhere and one had to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag every morning. That was a time before the insanity of Darwin and these other backward loonisies that hit the school systems in he 80's. This is before the neglect of the children. Before the abandonment of the American flag and the American child by its country. Before the bulling. Before the gun rules and gangs. The world was still owned by the family not the state. The man in the family ruled everything everywhere. A Women's roll was not to take over a man. Her roll was to help. Women were not men, and men were not women. Men were brought up to work and protect and take care of a family. In those days a mans outlook had a chance. He did not feel like he was living in someone else's country while his borders disappeared out from underneath him. He now lives in a giant parking lot, and he lives alone. No connection to self to his neighbor, or his original blue print.

The world is a lesser place of faith. The people are colder, meaner, more evil. I feel people are more sociopathic then before. Children had God when I was young. No one crossed this idea, no one crossed this line. This idea was based on love and security, faith. Love and security was the right of the family. When the families rights began to disappear, so the right to feel individual disappeared. Thus, the system began to take over the family and the boundaries of self provision..

The family values are gone... The family system has been destroyed. The family system is no more.

Honer and integrity mean nothing in todays societies. I am an honorable man. Im an honest man. Im a dumb stump.

Does honesty have any value, No. Not in this land. Im an honorable person. I have a good name! does this mean anything to anyone, NO!. Its not a value of importance. It means nothing.

Its who I am, not what I do.

love me for who I am, not who I know.

You either love me or you don't. Ive lost all family system members over this, and most , if not all my friends.

At one time women liked me because I was honorable and respectable, not because of the amount of money I brought in every month. I was a decent man. Not now!. Things have changed. Now its about who you know, and where you work, what school you went to, how much money does your family have.

If you have little money, its rape. If you are the middle class, its incest, if you are of the rich, its privilege. If you are the victim, its the rope for you.!

Respect has no place among the human race. Respect has no respect.

Im a respectful person, Im not going to change this, it is the best part of me. It always has been.

Racism:

Im basically a none racial person.However I do have a kind of reversed racism. Im afraid someone who want's to know me will reject me when they find out I don't live up to the racial propaganda performance level of the caucasian middle class look.. In other words, they will think Im a looser. And they wont be friends with me. This is sad for me. Nothing new in the land of performance.

Why pick one race that might not like me. Why bring race into this. I get slammed for being a looser across the board by all people. Its equal opportunity judgement. Its about performance. Performance prejudice; dealing with the performance nazis. If I don't perform like a monkey should, Im not accepted. If I don't perform like a monkey, none of the other monkeys let me into monkey island society. I guess Im suppose to feel bad about this. I don't.

Writing prejudice...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Apr 16, 2012 3:22 am

Self perception:

I can look a specific way or ignite a sense of enrichment. Is it me or a perception!. On one hand I look rich while Im poor. On the other hand I can look poor as I am culturally wealthy. Who am I. I pose that question to the onlooker. I pose that question to myself.

I hate predictability. I look or dress a certain fashionable, I am judged that I aught to be the image that I dress.

I act the sophisticate, therefore, I must have monetary wealth or come from wealth. Who am I. I pose that question to the onlooker; to myself.

I cant wake up. My mind is to weak. Ive been here before, many years ago. My mind has been damaged. It doesn't matter what I look like, How wealthy my imagination. It makes no difference who I know, or what potential I have. I have a limited capacity to be present. Within the presentness, I have a limited capacity to engage. I look like I can engage, I attract like I can engage. I cannot engage.
From a distance, everything looks possible. Closer forward, things are not what they appear.

Wishful thinking:
At any given moment, things can go my way. Im having a better day, I look better, More resolute, a sound mind. However, the emotional dissociative barometer reads by the hour, not by the life time. Anything can and will change in short moments. One morning Im feeling sophisticated, looking sophisticated. The next morning I feel like a teenager, I dress and act like a teenager. I have no stability of identity; I switch to often for countability. My mind cannot be counted on. My principals can achieve whiskful solidarity, my mind cannot.

Misperceptions:

I refuse to tell anyone anything about myself. I have associated with people at a distance. I continue to associate with people at a distance. Until someone is smart enough to ask the right questions I will not participate. Unless someone asked any questions, I will retaliate. I will not sell myself to the lowest bidder. I might to the highest. They better have a higher IQ then the average seedPole. Hmmm.

Im attempting to build a life for the third time.
Ive been here before, Ive been to this part of the world, mind inside mind. It feels like walking on a tightrope. I must not fall of off this tight rope. I cannot handle the stress of being thrown to the wolves to be eaten alive.
If I didn't live in America I would be dead, my mind would not survive it. I could never handle the outside world. Im not suggesting all is lost or all is bad, I am learning a new way to live. I doubt I will ever be able to completely function on my own. Alas, My brain will collapse within itself from the pressure. That is the way of things. It is damage. I look forward to getting away from, or staying away from those that refuse to understand this condition.

I will continue to venture out and get well. As well as I can. I owe no one an explanation for this. for my condition. No one!.

Goals:
Learning to connect..
Art continues to grow
New mountain bikes
Telescope stuff would be nice
music equipment
For the future 50%/50% ratio for toys vs relationships. I should have a personal law that implies; for every new toy I must have one real relationship to counter the balance. Isolation vs relationships. I need both.

Blog 56: A closer look: A double life

Blog 55

54

53: Nothing has changed except me

52 Self Perception and the perception of others

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