OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 06, 2012 3:44 am

This blog is not about my symptoms.. Its about how others view my symptoms or judge me according to outside appearance instead of who I am as a person... They view me through symptoms..

People never see the real me... Few do, ... many arrogant middle class people see nothing.. There only looking at themselves... I suppose its part of my journey to go through them and there controlling ways... It is part of my journey that I grow upward or though...

Its unfortunate : I have many things to work through to let go of my past... I have a past based on those with no conscious judging me brutally... I have lived an authentic brutal life.. One that almost killed me... Its as if I was a freedom fighter in a civil war... I was psychologically wounded and was put on leave for the remainder of the time... Its been a strange life..

My mind is returning to me I think in very slow strange ways... No way to confirm this.. I take it day by day...

I am permanently disabled through the PTSD Dissociative aspect of the anxiety disorder. The question is: will my memories return of who I am. Will I reconnect... Will I destroy the remaining pull of resentments and humiliations I have encountered from the brutal experiences I have been forced to endure...

I am a human-being who has been surrounded and brought up by sociopaths... The damage of this horrified nightmare killed me and has left my nervous system and mind destroyed. My mind is very cautiously and slowly returning to me.... It must be completely cleared out and the past gone if I am to move forward.. I want nothing of the past that destroyed me... Or remembrance of those that betrayed me and betrayed the one who sent me...

There are those who may be innocent that I will not be seeing again.. It hurts.. I don't mean to take it out on them.. They will have to get the help they need and fend for themselves... Its not my fault that they have not work hard on there recovery... Most wont admit that they need a recovery process. They will end up alone in the cold with darkness and gnashing of teeth...

I pray first of all things and ask God what he wants me to do.. The message Im getting is that Ive given all the invitations Im going to give... There are no takers.. No one is interested in me... So it is time to leave.... Im fine with this... I have done what God wanted... Those people from my past shall be a memory and there lives and history with it... God is tired of it and tired of them... They have gotten in his way as much as in my way to finish the things he sent me to do on this earth... Im going to guess that some of those things Im suppose to do are humanitarian.. I assuming it has something to do with this.. With saving children and people... Something like that. I don't know..

It was like being trafficked. That is the best way to describe my life. I was stolen and put into slavery then thrown away into nothingness... I was taught not to think for myself or take any actions that I was not given permission... I was taught that I would be abandon if I stood up for myself or acted out in a way that would show self protection... I was a slave for all intended purposes.. I was controlled by others... And, I was so sick mentally from the PTSD problems that I could not move or respond... I am lucky to have been found or discovered and helped, or I would have died... Its a shame that someone has to go through this... And it is very strange to make any sense out of it... This is not the direction I wanted to go as a boy.... I had no say so in the matter... I did not know the kind of scum I was living with... I had literally no idea... I had a family member try to warn me when I was very young... I had no idea what he was talking about... later I would find out, it would be to late...

I am still judged by the surrounding peoples with a negative prejudice... I had to spend almost thirty years of my life in silence... all in my head, learning...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Sep 04, 2012 1:48 am

I have Dissociative disorder... 100% diagnose... I could not work... I was based schizophrenic; the dissociative disorder had gone on for so long, so hardcore that I was Schizo from it... Delusional.. I was in very bad shape... I would have stayed that way, however, Im a ######6 Tank, So.... I work on my recovery through 12 step work,. therapists, Psych groups; Anything I could find... I work the 4th step on resentments over and over and over... I work on several times a day....
Im on my knees to God all day long... 30 times at times... I drop when ever I need and pray.. Im not a muslim... I pray much more then they do.. God is a tool for my survival. I take everything to the Universe.
I belong to a church... Very small middle class small town... I have a payee...

God has been helping and directing me for a long long time...

Im judged by the locals all day long... They don't like me because Im not working...

Women like me... However, I haven't dated in a long long long long long time... Dissociative disorder and PTSD made it impossible to allow others to get close to me.... I was to ill to date, and I thought I would stay ill.. However, Things are changing...

I am way better then I could have ever dreamed... My condition for 30 years, especially the first part of it was death.... My mind was gone... Things have gotten way better in the last year.. in the last 2 years... Especially recently as I am learning to let go of mother father bond...

My mother was a very sick demented person... I allowed her sick demented condition to rule what I thought about myself.. I am no longer allowing this to happen... I will take care of the child within me.. I do not need her help or her memories... I never knew the person anyway.. she had always been a sociopath the whole time I was around her... Its time for her memories to pack up and leave... This is a very hard thing.. Im not trying to make lite of it... I know what its like to let go of PTSd world and come into the present.. Everything has changed...No more neighborhood or friends or schools or plans or anything... no more family system... All is gone now...that was 30 to 40 years ago.

I will have to trust God as I make the change over; as I let her go... I will not be coming into a similar present as I had as a child.. However, I will be able to reconnect with others.. Im healing and anything is possible... yet, not passible quit yet... Still have plenty of work to do...

Bringing women into my life; not yet... Im getting there.. Im a bit scared... I don't really have anything... Ive done great on a personal level with myself... Im afraid a women would try to change me and never accept me as I am... That will not work.... I don't like explaining Psych stuff to people... defending my position when it is my psych condition Im talking about...

I will prepare. My future will not be with the help or guidance of the old family system... No one will show up to give me a pat on the back...! I will never have the experience of a mother to talk to about my feelings.... If I can handle that... I will readjust... I can do that.. It will be painful... Im tougher now in new ways, different then I used to be.

I have a mind 10 times weaker then the people around me, and they don't know it or see it... My mind will not get better.. The surrounding personality will get better... My relationship with God will get better. recovery will get better. My willingness will get better.....

Lonely is defined as coming into reality with no security fixtures to fall back on ... none that are apparent or in the ready mix. This is OK... Im used to the idea that the world I came from was not real... The people were people I chased. They never came to me.. I wanted it so bad: they needed to be what I needed them to be for my security...

The family system I came from were monsters.. Its that simple.. They were sociopaths... The goal is...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Sep 02, 2012 10:36 pm

I was just miffed because I wanted to send a message to someone about a little girl..

I have no reputation in my meetings.. nothing... I am hated by the women because I don't give them the time of day... they think they have it going on..

Women like a man to have status... these women are not smart enough to understand that I have status... They cant put 2 and 2 together that I need not show them any status... I have it ... I don't care if they know that I have it... Therefore, I act as if I have none... I learned a lesson today...

Im praying for a little girl in my meetings that Im worried about... However, no one in the meetings knows this... No one in the meetings knows me... not the real me... Or that I would pray for children or anyone else...

The lesson:

I found out the girls mom is Ok; she has not been to meetings for awhile... I talked to the mothers spencer and let her know that I was thinking about the little girl and concerned about her.... However, the sponsor looked at me like Im a good for nothing predator with no status that aught to mind his own business. That Im unsafe and everyone knows it... And that I am a weakling that is scared of everyone and not to be taken seriously.... In no way did I have permission to think about this mother or her child as I am not of the quality to do so...

Here is the problem...

No one knows me... I have no credibility at these meetings with many people.. Some of the people are to stupid: Im not safe according to these people.. They make up stuff about people... If your on the negative end of the stick then your sunk... Im on the negative end of the stick with many women in the meetings because they are arrogant and stupid... Not all =!

With the women, My reputation is shot... They think Im a weakling... And should not be trusted... Im certainly no one to know or confide in... Contempt is the best word to describe what others think of me... Not everyone... They think they are better them me, that Im a scuffler shiftless weakling...

I let the sponsor know that I am praying for the mother and the child...

Im learned that I cannot walk up to someone and tell them how I feel about someone else in the meeting without having status... I need status to talk about others people at the meetings, even if its innocent concern...

This thing may backfire in my face....

I have to remember the meetings Im going to.... This is a rough crowd of people...

At-least I took a chance....

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Sep 01, 2012 4:16 am

My mother and father did the unthinkable.. The thing that scares every little kid to death....

What would happen if you lived on a nice street in a nice little middle class town.... You were secure with a nice family, brothers, mother , father, friends, school... relatives... Your future was set...

Then the unthinkable...

Your mother and father split up... Your mother turns out to be a sociopath that does not know you... As soon as your father is gone... You are given the choice of direction... Who will you go with... You decide to go with your father has he loves you... he has kept the family together up to this point..

You are now living with your father in an apartment... You notice a few things... Your father is never around,,, you are not noticed anymore... There is little food... You notice that your interests are of no interest to your father.. YEt he has no problem bringing home 18 year old college girls and banging them in the shower... you get this strange sick feeling that only a child that is abandon can get. You realize your father is a predator.... He paid attention to you before because your mother was paying the bills... You never knew this... He was a sociopath....

You come back to live with your mother... She has a surprise for you... She is moving to the coast... She is not interested in you or your dreams or your future... You are through,, ,You are finished and you know it... Your whole life will vanish, along with your plans, your stability, your friends... everything... You know that this women that is in charge of things is not connected to you... You know she will let you die... She does not care about you... She wants to get rid of you...

My mother and father abandon me at the age of 9. I never really saw them again for any real reason... Meaning, I was from a past marriage. I did not exist anymore to these people. They moved on and found new people to marry... They left my self and my brothers behind... No one loved us or cared about us... I left my house and neighborhood and was never able to return...

I was forgotten as a person from that neighborhood... No one wanted to know me after I left... I was erased..

My mother acted as if she did not know me... I was a stranger... I was hated and treated like a second class citizen.... This means I was never liked when I was born... She was never present when I was a child... My father kept her in her place that she could not act out and cause trouble for the rest of the family,.... However, she was paying for everything... So he was no better.....

I was abandon... These people never treated me the same after the divorce... They acted like it was all a fairy tail they were having fun with... I was just and object or pawn to have fun with until I became to old to pick up... Once I was past 7 years old I was off no interest anymore...

My mother was a man hater and a sadist... by the time I was an adult... I was completely disabled psychologically... I am lucky to be alive... Thus is the result of forced interaction with sociopaths...

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Im at the point of dealing with this torture... Im at the point of dealing with the major abandonment issues.... This is good, However this is hard.... And many others abandon me as well.... No one were has they seem... I was alone...

My brothers and I were split off, I was at my grandmothers house.. my brothers else where.. everything was destroyed and it will never return ever.....
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The goal at this point is the attachment of memories. beginning.. It is incredibly hard.... In Gods time..

I would like to get to a point that I can get back to being productive in the arts... I will have to get past the main explosions of the past and the long term CPTSD>.......Is this possible.. I don't know...!

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All family members are gone now... or they are strangers... What a horrible let down......

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Aug 30, 2012 1:13 pm

Im beginning to talk about my mother and the explosion that destroyed me... She was the atom bomb creator and she is the one who lit the fuses to those bombs... She is a sociopath/sadistic... this is what sociopaths do... People are just inanimate ponds to these people... Sociopaths have contempt against anything human.. They consider humans weak.. sociopaths are not of the human race... or, they are of another form or breed of human...

My mother figure was smashed when she was very young... There was nothing left of her personality by the time she was 5.... She never knew this... Its creepy to talk to people like this as they think they are free and natural... They have been strengthened in this life.. They are simply stronger then others and better for it...

I talked to a women once who told me she loved her mother and her mother was her best friend. It was her mother that made her strong... This girl was a sociopath.. she had lost her kids to the state for the last time... She was going back to prison again!... Her mother had or allowed her to be raped every night for 10 years... The girl never understood that her mother was a sociopath that had turned her into a sociopath.. And its impossible to tell these people what they are...

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I talked at the meeting.. ITs very hard... Very strange.. as its another voice.. its the voice of a 9 year old disguised as an adult...

I told of my story of a vicious sociopath mother that left me in impossible situations; to much for a child. I had nowhere to run or hide... It is bombs like this that destroyed me... I was never ready, nor accepted this to happen... My mother turned into another person.. She was a man hater and a child destroyer... She hated kids...

Now Im a freaked out adult... My mind is gone.. or its so ruptured that I cant stay present... I am freaked out when I wake up to when I go to sleep.
My brain system has figured out a way to hold things together... However, my mind is not allowed in reality... It has no strength... It cannot take any reality.. It must see things from protective perspectives... It must.. I have seen and been through to much...

Im hoping to get better... Better to the point that I can stay away from troubled people that want to cause me harm... I love people that have been broken and need love... I don't like the predator; that is different..

most of the people around me serve a purpose of keeping me alive so that I am not alone.. However, from there perceptive, they think they are important movers and shakers in my life.. they are not.. They are around to keep from being lonely, nothing more...

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Im surprised Im not dead.. Life for me is a place of sadness and fear and rupture... yet, with Gods help I am staying afloat... My mind has seen to much and is in a constant state of shell shock.... my mind is very week and ruptured... The rest of my body carries my mind... My mind has seen to much and been through to much sorrow... It does not function anymore... I have to have other parts of the self carry my mind...

The world has not changed. It is still abusive , ruthless and ritualistic... Nothing has change... Now, I have to watch innocence in others destroyed and I cant do anything about it... This is why I have a relationship with God or I would have hanged from a rope along time ago.... Yet, I am more then my damaged mind at this point, so, I would not be hanging from a rope, as other strong points are carrying me... Parts of me are steadfast...

Im looking forward to the point that I am less lonely and can stay away from less desirable people...

And I continue to pray for the little girl that was given away to the state... She is actually a person of great quality born into the hands of monsters... The whole system is a monster.... Nothing is safe in this world....

Symptoms

Loneliness

Stupid reputations...

healing

Fear and acceptance...

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