OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Aug 28, 2025 5:37 am

Ill have to get good at what Dan Bacon has created for men for dating…
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Im at this period where; under God; I go talk to people… This has to do with meaningful relationships; Dating; romance; girlfriend and so forth… This is an area of my life that was stuck or is stuck…
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Im learning; allot of the problem is about how I talk to people; So; I have to take responsibility for how I talk to people; how I talk to women concerning interaction; creating attraction and getting to know people; getting to know women and the tribe of women God is slowly bringing me into; into a world of women… And their it is…
Its uncomfortable; its not the way I wanted it; I wanted a wife when very young and I wanted independence; it never happened… Here I am now; I have allot to learn…
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This is an uncomfortable situation; Ill be talking to God all the time to get close to women in general in a social sense… It means Im back out into the real world again. Im timid and introverted. I have to learn how to trust again out in the real world. I must take all things to God before I do anything. The goal is to align with God first on all subjects. Each interest; I must talk to God and give way to God first…
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God has me learning that I must go out socially on a plan and learn how to be successful. I must learn how to become successful with women; learning how to talk to women in a way that creates a sense of tension and excitement. Interesting and charming; that is my goal….
God will help me… Amen
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Gain; Most important is this; Im at this place of getting a plan and going out among the people… This is not easy for me… not at all; it triggers all my dissociative disorder and defenses… However; what Im looking for is out in the middle of America.
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I have many skills to learn….
I need confidence… Ill work on all fronts for this goal to be a success…..
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Not of this is easy. But I am coming back to being a useful member of society at some level… Meaning; Sanity is returning for me a bit. Its not perfect…
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Im getting really triggered writing this!@
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Fear and a big big gap between where Im at and being conferrable around women again…
Im at this place…
Working with God;

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Aug 27, 2025 4:53 am

Confidence is what its about now; aligned with the universe in the real world… That means I accept the real world as is because thats where Ill be working on things; In this case; its with women and relationship; and dating and romance and….. And so on; girlfriends….. and……… Thats the goal….
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Support helping me with small steps of courage leading toward my main goal in the center of society…
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Getting help to cross over the line into new territory Ive never been; This is uncomfortable. When brought back to my starting place; I have new experiences from crossing the line; this creates confidence. Confidence is necessary for survival on earth; it helps me get what I want in life on all fronts..
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WHERE AM I AT NOW…
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Im grateful to get another chance in reality. My goals are in reality.
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How is my mind; my brain; disabled; I have many many problems. However; I have a good attitude… and enthusiasm.
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I don’t know what the end outcome will be like… I have goals and I write stories and imagine what the end result will be as if Im already living it. The goal is to believe first then Ill see it!
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A gap resides where Im at and where I want to be; but Im fairly strait inline with the outside world. Now; I learn how to go down a strait line; meeting the new people I need to meet that lead me to the people Im interested in talking with and spending time with….
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Non of this is easy and I don’t know what the outcomes will be…
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My mind is very schizoid. Im very dissociative and AVPD… and agoraphobic… Depressive…
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Also; a smashed in personality; weak’nd; I seem to have fairly positive hope concerning what Im doing.
Ill be first going through the Gap that connects me back to society in general; at a stronger deeper level… And once this tether line is strengthened; Ill be meeting new people face to face; to start with.
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I met someone tonight at a meeting; face to face; handshake to handshake; it freaked me out to be up so close to someone. I could hardly take it; PTSD and AVPD; I wanted to avoid; I had no strength to be up in someones face; face to face… However; I did manage to do it…
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So; Im learning once again how to live in reality and with Gods help; go after my goals. Amen.
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So;

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Aug 26, 2025 1:54 am

Helpers developing with women; Stories
please help me God; Amen…
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Note;
I have no self esteem with women; I feel very bad about myself; no self worth; cannot stand up to them; when they get close; I look down at the ground… in shame… I cant look up at them; like I don’t feel very worthy around them; I don’t feel worth anything at all around them. Im finding I cant look at them when close up; nothing.
Today Ive experienced this several times up close with women; In some cases; I want to blame the women; But its simply that their faces are up close to me… and I look down bashfully. No self worth; no confidence; no self esteem. No self.
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However; I am getting real feedback.
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Im assuming this is about my mother. So. As I get closer to women; Im learning much about myself..

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Aug 25, 2025 6:04 pm

Goals
girlfriend
car
house
money
vacation
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God is helping me gain confidence in all of these areas.. >Amen.
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I have to work with God and ask God for the helpers that will help me go from grade school maturity and development level; to adolescence level to teen level and into young adult level…
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All of this has to be redone.
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Dissociative disorder is the problem… So; its like being in a war; I have a whole line of resistance to protect me from the outside world within myself; a disability; And I want enough of it down to have a girlfriend.
Its so embarrassing.
Its not just creating intimacy; I cant create it with an actual person; only deep within me and my imagination.
However; the goal is to take that intimacy; and learn how to apply it out in the real world; this will be done through real world practice with others; practicing these things enough until I am good at it and confident at it.
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In a sense; Im learning from Ground up how to interact with women… ( It just freaks me out to say it). This triggers sexual abuse… it triggers many forms of PTSD.. or Long term CPTSD…
Getting to close to the world is like being in a war with it… it triggers war…. It triggers death for me…
Meaning; its like being in a war zone….
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Other problems;
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1. I need help; God to send others to help train me; so I can gain real world experience interacting at basic levels with women again. We are talking about; Im starting out at the emotional developmental age of child and working through to adolesence and then teen years and then young adult to adult… And their it is…
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Its all that training from the beginning; maybe even from age 3 through 4 n 5, 6 n 7 on up. Im missing everything concerning women.
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Ive got to be retrained with basics and experience. Ill pray for these people and what I need. Ill imagine getting the help and imagine what that help and training looks like and believe its going to happen for me… Imagining every bit down the pike; all of it.
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I am getting triggered with PTSD from those time periods of sexual abuse; my mind slams back into that; so; I must start over from the beginning and create a whole new set of realities for me without the sexual abuse; Bi passing all of it until practicing success. Amen.
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My mind is dissociating all over the place while writing this; Amen.
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Ive got to start slow… I mean really slowly allowing any of this in; slowly; Working with God for this to happen; people n places and things; Amen… Please God be with me Amen.
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This includes verbal with women; learning to tell a women who I am; what Im struggling with; what my goal is and asking for help.. .

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Aug 25, 2025 11:03 am

What Im mad about;
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For all my life their has been no one; No social life; no best friends; no girlfriends ever; nothing!
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Their has been nothing.
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I never got a chance; This because of the horror life created by the house owners; where I lived; I was thrown out of the family I was in at age 9; it desolved as the house owners had planned… I was simply abandon.
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Its a fluke Im coming back to some forms of reality now! I am; but its a fluke. I cant imagine many people doing this from my background.
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Ive had 30 years of recovery work; I had to out of pure desperation; desperation led me on…
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I can say with some accuracy; I had no First love; It was I that chose to interact with these strange people that never intended or were really interested in knowing me; they were never my type. I tried to push my way into others lives with performing; It worked for maybe a day or 2 then broke down. I never went any further; I never went any further. I never got any further; one reason; I was 2 afraid to ask out someone I actually found attractive; I froze up in front of them; I then later realized they really didn’t care about who I am; They replaced my efforts with someone else efforting just as fast.
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I would not say they were ever really interested in me; and they never put out any effort toward me. I had to put out all the effort to show up around them; But thats actually as far as anything got; I didn’t have the confidence to do anything more. I could not ask them out; tell them I liked them or make a pass a them; I just kind of went inside my own shell.
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In all reality; They never really wanted to be friends with me… I was barking up the wrong tree… I finally realized the futility of what I had gotten myself into; a dead end road; I simply sheepishly turned around and walked away…
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So; their was no real First love; their was no Real Nothing!
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God never told me to go in that direction…
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NOTE: Im going to have to sit quietly with God and Ask God; “ What direction God was I suppose to go in?”. And Im going to have to stop and learn and wait for that answer and work with God on it and stay out of it; stay out of the answer and just sit with God…
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FAKE BEST FRIEND: The kid I met at age 5; was not a friend of mine. I was 2 young to have a clue what was going on. No one made me go after or around this person. In fact; I ended up with other friends at school who lived on the other side of the block; the South side. I never needed this specific kid on the North side as my friend; Ive realized that for some years now; However; I was devastated when I found out him and his family had been using me the whole time. I was his families baby sister for him because I lived down the street.. Non of them wanted me in their home; they thought I was white trash. I remember the mentioning of this a few times when young; I just brushed it off; it was such an obscure idea; I simply didn’t take it seriously; later I will find out it was fully true the whole time.
I simply never thought like this; that I was better then someone; Not like This! Not like these people setting up innocent people to use them.
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It all makes sense to be now.
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I have to work with God to find new answers… I will look back at these times and ask God; What do I do about these situations God…
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I will ask God because; I had no business being in those situations with those strangers; that Fake best friend; or that girl… They had their own lives; I was dependent personality; and I was going over my bounds. None of those people wanted me. I might have saw myself as Great; but no one else did. I was forcing the situation with strangers who wanted nothing to do with me. And at this point; I really need to talk to God about all of this and Gods direction for me instead of this…
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I would love to be free of all this and well; Just myself again; ...

[ Continued ]

Ill have to get good

Confidence is what its about now

I have no self esteem with women

Helpers development with women

Their has been nothing; Im OK...

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