OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:26 am

Im slowly digging in deeper to the lower inner levels of this compartment of self. This is an area of fears'm PTSD and its live scars.. As I go deeper into the pain, I still think Im "back there". "There" is a place of death and no hope. It is freaky to walk back to that place in my mind, I dissociate thinking about it. Yet, Im aware it is in my mind. I just need to keep working on it. Just like a world war, the turn has been in my favor. I am winning this war, However, just like WW2,. The Battle of the bulge must be fought, thus the enemy knowing it has lost, will not give up for many more years, and they dig in and kill aggressively.

Im slowly collecting boundaries. Or My boundaries are starting to hold. Im getting close to people and walking by them or away from them. They have proven not to be my friend and I really don't need their manipulations.

Im learning that later when Im stronger, I can be in the same room as the enemy, I don't have to take the bate or run away. People don't appreciate me in a way that is correct. This makes things extremely confusing. I run away; I don't want people around me that don't treat me with respect. I don't like being in the same room with these people, and I don't get these people, unless they are sociopaths, then I get it.

I have to learn to take God with me.

Drumming is coming back to me. This is a great thing, its a confusing thing. Its part of my identity from parts of my past that were erased. The drums through the trauma years were interacted. Seems I was able to play drums at different times of the trauma experiences. Drums are an important part of my recovery. They are a primary hobby. Im not very good on them. I like playing them. Im hoping that in a couple of years I'll get better.

Women: This is a confusing thing. Age has me confused. I will have to prepare myself for the attack of older people lecturing me as I go out with younger women... Im not there yet. I have much work to do on my PTSD stuff, then I will date I think. I think I will have a date, at least one. Plenty of women twirl there hair and stare at me... Age doesn't seem to matter to them... I have no idea what Im doing. I understand attraction and how to attract. Im not sure about someone sticking around even though I care about them and make them laugh. Iv'e been around for awhile. When one cannot create the cash for a house. At some point things break up. This is a philosophical point, However it can be a true point.

Song writing is brutal; Im not getting anywhere. I know how to write. Its about abandonment issues. Im getting close. When I finish a large amount of songs, I've ask the person holding my money to dish me some , that I buy a new toy. I have this rule. I have to finish something first, show the goods first before I buy something new in the field Im creating in. This creates a journey of exploration and work with a goal at the end of the rainbow. Its A God thing. I work these small contracts of accountability with a trusted friends concerning the spending of money's

Going back out into the world some day scares me.

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Jun 30, 2012 3:50 pm

My life is actually very small. I have almost no friends. Most of what I express I express online. I am misrepresented by most of the middle class people Ive known and been around. Most people don't know me. They see the outside of me or my symptoms or want to fight up against my agitations. They want to compete. I want to live. They see my pushed persona and judge it. They never ask questions for the truth, they have no interest in knowing who I am. Its horrible. Really horrible. They have everything. They attempt to put me in a smaller box that I fit into their bigger world. I refuse, thus, they get frustrated with me. I destroy there fantasy of living through me. They want control, that is the only reason Im allowed around them. They try to hide it, or smile it off as if I cant see it or there motives or fear. They are limited and cannot live with that fact, therefore, they make grandiosity a loved family member. They want to sit back and act like they are in charge of some great experiment. Im suppose to be the allotted participant of that experiment. Finally when they realize Im not going to play into there game, they get frustrated and don't want me around anymore. When I don't leave, that is when the hate comes at me from all sides. Its a sadistic contempt. At times, none of these people have to say a word. Its all loud and clear. Im not accepted for who I am. Im hated for who I am.. Its a most bizarre and strange world I live in, Its all based on conditions. Im not accepted. ITs really strange how people believe that Im going to change so they are happy. This is a strange feature of the human experiment.

I would say Im not liked.. It not that!, Im not known. No one knows me, and they will never know me until they want to, and they don't want to, they are not broken, if they are, they wont admit it. They wont admit that they need me as I need them as I need God. They the ice cubes in a freezer.

My world is small. I have agoraphobia, Iv'e created an elaborate system to function outside. One would never see that I have a problem with being outside. I do, if one would ask I would show them. Im used to dealing with the fatigue of outside. I can only handle so much of it and people, and I start to recede into myself. I try really hard to be outside. Im forced to go outside if I want to get better. I go outside to get better. When I am seen, I am judged.

Others wonder why Im not working. I am working. Im working to get off the fields of death, and to be relieved of their presence in my mind. For , leaving this murky pond, I have taken with me the memories of the pond. I am on land, my mind is deeply under the ocean blue.

Why I keep having these problems they don't see. The fact is, these people have never seen me normal. They have no idea who I am. I am the "it" I am the concept object.

Work:
Im an intelligent well educated person, I have degree. Why would a creative intelligent well educated creative imaginative person throw away all opportunities for relationships, love, marriage, family, more education, any and all forms of career paths, having children, having a house, having social status, being a leader in the community, Art center. Why would I bring on the stigma of being a social outcast on social security before my time. Why would I throw away my future by not being employed. Does this sound like Freedom. Does this sound like the kind of person you or your friends would want to hang out with…. ? I have found most people want nothing to do with me, before or after my symptoms..

Why would I throw away my retirement. Why, for what reason... If I could act or be normal, Why would I not be. This equation is not that hard to figure out. There must be something wrong with me if the state put me on social security. Its not like I went through one shrink. I went through dozens of people and red tape and loops. Why do all of this, for a weeks v...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Jun 26, 2012 4:04 am

At the meeting tonight. The topic was " better then lucky". I mentioned that Im as lucky as a lottery winner. My life has gotten steadily better since I started the 12 step program system. Ive been at it for 15 years.... Iv'e been a step work sponsor and have held a few responsible positions within the groups. Just a few. Im not interested in positions, I cant handle them with the PTSD.

I am frustrated. I am lucky , I am glad.

Im able to see the PTSD dissociative line when Im sitting with allot of people around me and in front of me.. Being around people is the key to recovery. It is hard work. Im around people that are addiction based, they are the last people to be sensitive about stuff. Most are getting off drugs, or have been off of them. They are dry drunks at times, I mean, its a hard core group. Some people are sociopaths... Yet, God brought me to the right group. Ive also had an alcohol problem. I tried to medicate my mental condition. Nothing new.... !!

The PTSD Dissociative line is that line between reality and the PTSD delusional world in my head. This line crossed right in the middle of my eye site. That is what it seems like. Im two places at once. blanked out.

When I share, Im not home. Im not present. I used to share for 15 minutes because I wasn't home. Now Im aware of the clock, and I try to keep it to 5 minutes. I will have to practice being home, in the here n now when I share.

I tried to complain to the group about taking peoples inventories. I found that I couldn't hold the line of integrity because of the PTSD. I started to talk, and I could not put my heart into the present , because it wasn't home. I didn't have the strength to talk about what I needed to talk about. The PTSD line was over shadowing me... Its been this way all of my life. I don't know if it will ever go away... I think it will with practice.

Girls were staring at me. This is nothing new. What is new, is my awareness that its the PTSD is causing the direct problem for closeness. I could not get close to women because of the PTSD Dissociation. Its a black out hardcore bad situation. Something about women that triggers me back to teen years and before. It could be love and intimacy issues. Its horribly strong. I can feel it as I write. Whats important is; this can be overcome by dating women. Im at that point of understanding that something has to take the place of the PTSD. Something has to pull me out of me. Now, as for dealing with women. The best answer is another women. A women pulling, Its odd, Yet, I think its part of the answer. Im at this stage of recovery to understand this simple yet, hard solution. A relationship takes the place of the past relationship..

I will have to get rid of the Porn.

Ive been dealing with allot of Dumb-asses. Im looking forward to learning what I need to learn and moving on. Im around jealous judgmental people that think they are superior to me and that I am the dumb-ass and that I am a weakling. Its confusing and irritating at best. Im dealing with the middle American immaturity. And Im judged all the time about work issues. How can I have problems and still share at a meeting. This is OK, concerning the type of people Im dealing with. They are not trained to understand or deal with problems of the nature that I am dealing with.

Im at the point of venturing out to work activities. Not paid work, but to get involved in something that I really believe in or would like a career direction in. Yet, volunteer stuff in a field of real interest. My biggest fear is the people I have to work with. I am from the Psych class, not the middle class. At some-point I will be from both again.

The Forest has interest to me.
The hospitals and gift shops do not.
Im looking at doing something I really have an interest in... Or looking in that direction. Its a beginning proposition... or inquiry.

I cannot handle most of the problems of real...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Jun 24, 2012 1:17 pm

What life has been like from the beginning.

Ritualistic abuse, then heading into 7 years with a father at home. 2 sociopaths countering each other, my mother and father. I had 2 brothers. From that, annihilation of the family system, I was destroyed. Everything was erased. Neighborhood, friends, school, way of life, home. More important, no more mother or father. My mother was not going to get stuck with the kids, my father was not going to get stuck with the kids. They dumbed us.... Then bullying and sexual abuse and hate living at my grandparents... moved away, attempted to reattach with a mother that had already betrayed everyone,. Their was no love there. I was treated as a second class citizen in my mothers new house hold. It rained everyday. I had tried to live with her once before, I flunked out of school at this new location. I was in trauma and could not function. Before that I had lived with my father for a while. I was forgotten and unwanted. Cruel task masters does not describe this. I was destroyed through abandonment and trauma. I was a throw away at that point. I was raped and killed by who ever else I lived with, it didn't matter to these original parents.. These parents tried to convey image. That is why I was allowed to live with them again. I meant nothing to them. I was alone..

I had a brief moment of popularity in high school. I fell in love with a girl. She was way out of my league. I didn't know this, she did. She had planed it that way. I was a sheep to the slaughter. I loved her and worried about her and cared for her. I was set up, groomed, and baited very slowly. Their was no one on the receiving end. I thought she was my best friend. The potential between her and I was from God. That is what I naturally thought. The reality was quit different. The reality was: I had no friend on the other side of the receiver. I was being set up to take a fall, nothing more. I was played. When I got on that boat for the last time and found myself, to fare out in that lake, from a distance, she pulled the plug on the boat, then claimed she never knew me or would have known me... I never saw her again. I was a smart lad who had already been through great trauma. Between the above, violence, a step father that was psychologically bulling me and a drug overdose, and the school system; A police force that was a joke. A social system that is a joke. my mind finally left and never came back. I moved out of their, I lived with my best friends family back in my home town. I thought they liked me, I was like family. I was safe. I was not. I was hated, and my best friend did not turn out to be a friend at all. I was mistaken, I meant nothing to these people. I was taken in on the idea it would help the son prepare for his first year in college. I was not wanted their either, more importantly, a strange new concept came up. I began to ask what was happening to my life, and why all relationships had abandon me, and continued to abandon me.

I stayed their until they thought I was living off of them. I was not. I was mentally in trouble. I was an honest decent person. No one cared. My mind was destroyed, the father of this house hold had mentioned this to his wife, that something was wrong with me, something had happened to me.

I was asked to leave. No one ever inquired why I was there in the first place. No one cared. I went back and lived with my Grandmother, and then again , back to my mothers house. by the time I was nineteen, it was almost over, my original family didn't care about me, who I was, what kind of potential. They had moved on with newer families. I was alone, thrown away and mentally ill.

My mind was ever breaking more and more. The loss of family, my original place of life, the girl that I loved, my first love. Loss of parents, brothers, best friend... My life was gone, my mind was gone,my nervous system was gone from the PTSD. No future, all potential...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:53 pm

I plan to draw pictures buy the lake next to a cabin like when I was a boy... With no expectations of being anything else ever. All I needed was ink pens and a tablet and to feel safe.. Nothing more.

The old family system will have left my mind so I will not think of loss. There was nothing to lose in the first place. It was all a lie...

I pray for all the dead children that had to kill themselves because there families betrayed them. Poor kids. I remember them. I pray for them....

I pray for my future wife. I hope she isn't still on dope.

Ill keep drumming, it seems to be doing so many great things for me at this time.

Dealing with manipulative creeps is getting to me. They are winning. I cant stand up to them. Im getting over ran... What do I do. Im slowly learning what to do.. I don't want to go through with this.

I was born to be an actor. I have to remember this. I am suppose to be on a stage. That is a long distance dream. I have to keep working on it.. Trusting God.

I am to create 500 songs. I better get started or I don't get new stuff.

Im 50 years old and women still love me. I get hit on all the time.. However, I can feel the hair loss. At some point all of this is going to change. I will not be attractive to women anymore. I will get old. I have to prepare for this. This sucks. Women are so hot....

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