OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:15 pm

The world is a strange place,It is not what I thought,It is not what I hoped it would be. It is a mixture of all sorts of smaller granule worlds creeping upward, fighting to get to the top of the food chain.

How subtle people are about defining others,

Mental illness ( a great part of it), is the family system, and greater similar systems out side the family. Dysfunction can occur any place with people/children.

Good people with bad people; it doesn't mix.

Iv'e had such horrible luck with people. I mean horrible!!. Ive been terrorized and treated like I was nothing. . Or a nothing. Very strange to go through. Most of the time, Im dealing with competition, hatred, envy, strife, jealousy. Im dealing with bad people. Thus, God has brought me into there realm that I use them as a sharpening tool for waking up.. Its a brutal process; its working. Extreme problems require extreme measures.

Im learning how to unfreeze around people and move on, or move away. This is very important. Its very important not to fight but to move away.. Its important to learn that Im using the people around me that I get better, Im not involved, nor did I come to this turning place to get married, or be an important popular man; that was never the point. Desperation seeks a remedy. Remedies require procedures. Procedures require involvement.

Im scarred up, ripped up, mean up from the street up!

I never ended up like them. " them' is the family system I came from. As soon as it was able, the family system attempted to consume me, and with violent intent; Takeover. Evil, despicable. Im attempting to learn to get safe surroundings and come back out of the shell.

I was a child when I was real: However, Someone else's house, someone else's money and time and schools. Im not sure how to be this same person independently. I would need my dwelling, money, occupation and still be me. Lots of load trauma in this..
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A portion of the world is made up of mad bad people; Simply, bad people!, these people could care less about me or how I feel or what Im worth; they are in this thing to dominate, control, manipulate .Its all about them and what they can take.

Being around bad people causes mental illness. It contributes greatly to the dysfunction of the damed.

Takers are not thinking, and they are not thinking about me. Takers are sizing me up to see what they can take; if they can take. They want to dominate and be in control, govern. They believe they are the smartest people on earth, and everyone else is stupid-o. Its all quit interesting. These villains are just dumb enough to believe everything about themselves. And, they will apply these thoughts upon me in the outside world if I cant fend them off.

My feelings get trashed as I get terrorized by jealous people. My feelings are not right or wrong; they are!

Inside me is a weak meek person scared to death, depending on the soldier me to take care of the family... No one understands this. Nothing!, and no one wants to... They don't care

The truth is good enough!

The world could care less about the truth...

I need to feel safe around others. Im learning this, practicing this. No one around me can appreciate this.. I feel like Im normal, they are all zombies. A ripped apart normal..

You can be an honest man and it means nothing!, if no status in the receivers eyes, they don't believe. If the receiver worships the world as God, then the only status proof comes through; type of work, economic level, who I know, who I came from, am I famous, how I dress, who I date, what school did you go to... Its all external status.

If the receiver loves and believes God, then , one will see the truth in me. One will value the fact that Im an honest man with a good heart. Because, that is what I am.. ITs an inside job.

To many spoiled people who are extremely...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu May 31, 2012 5:46 pm

Im a 12 year old that wants a Coleman lantern; to go into the woods for the first time and experience new things, the woods, camping.

I am a new creature. The old is Gone, or disappearing. I will resume where I left off.

Im looking at punk names, death names, Goth names, crasher names, Buda, Im looking at cemetery fixtures..

Im looking at the theme for Halloween.

Im looking for the theme for my music direction, costumes, band names. videos.

Ive taken an interest in lyrics.. This is the hardest part, that and dancing. I suppose I can call it dancing, I would call it an intro to dancing, a warm up. I don't know how to dance, I have a few broken moves

Im looking at drum sets to play live, and other equipment. Im looking at story telling in front of the audience.

Im looking at my age.. Im 50 years old. how am I going to pull this off. Ive thought of younger people for the front man work, I can be the creator, yet on stage a more minor player. I don't know. That is what is great about drums, one can hide there.

Im getting stronger. Not strong enough to let go of the therapist. Strong enough to be in the world, and stay out there for awhile.. Yet, its still like being hit with a flame thrower. Im half traumatized when I wake up, the outside world hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how to fight back yet, in this political world. Its all politics.

I never wanted to come back to this place, this world, its hasn't changed.. Im a bit more intelligent and couscous of who I associate with and what power I give. When to run, when to fight... More running I think is appropriate. Even the cops are sick out here. They could use 12 step meetings more then me.

Im just practicing, meaning, I can mow a few lawns, practice drumming for a few minutes, lift a few weights, go to a meeting, go to the church.. Go to the store.

this is a step up from before... Before, everything was in my head... Now Im a bit more chancy in the outside world... Ive created more safe areas that I can attempt participation. Its a start. Its like walking outside of the mental hospital on my own and finding small things during the day to participate in....

My activities are equal to a 12 year old running at dissociative speed. .. Still, not very strong; little to no relationships. relationships are the king of interaction.. Interaction is the enemy of dissociative Disorder. Interaction is where the damage occurs; Way to much triggering of PTSD... Way to much... Im moving forward. Im moving forward without the old family system. I was never able to handle that emotionally. Im not sure if I will break at some point. I don't know.!

dealing with people is a hazarded business... They can be friendly, they can tear your arms off in a second. Its hard to use the general public as therapeutic mattress. They don't play soft. Most take advantage of what I say, they turn it back on me... I get crucified. The public doesn't care how it treats me.. They are not interested in human beings or human stuff. Its enough to drive someone to hang themselves..

Im not into hanging myself today. Instead of hanging myself I wait, Im not fooled by this lie called society. Im attempting to learn to save myself that I not be eat'n alive.

by **OMNICELL** on Wed May 30, 2012 5:30 am

I was riding home from mens bible study. Well, after the bible study, I played drums at the church. I have a steady gig there, Very cool, perfect for one living in the apartment seen. However, no air conditioning or heat for me. O well, thats the way it goes.

My mind is weak. Very weak. I have heal'd a bit. I push things. Im trying. I'm doing the best I can. My mind was ripped apart long ago and my diagnosis was death. Death to me, a very long time ago. I held on. I held on so long, my therapists were shocked that I was still alive in the state they first worked with me. I was a complete sociopath.. Hmm, thats not true; I was a vampire with a conscious.

Im better now. What does that mean? The child in me wants my parents, wants to go home. What do I tell him. How do I explain to the child in me that I was demoralized and thrown away permanently, for ever. How will the child in me ever trust this worthless world and its people ever again. It wasn't just the family system that destroyed me; rape, murder, abandonment. It was the whole community.

The goal is to get stronger. When Im stronger I carry the rest of me to safe places. Im afraid of what I have to face; my past, its to much for any human to face. The demoralization that occurred in my life is to much for me. Its to sad a thing. My inner self has already been tortured to the point of complete demoralized dissociation, how much more am I expected to deal with... Its been like a prison camp; my life! my mind has no strength; nothing. However, I have strength, Im stronger, I have God. God is carrying me.

People have no idea what it is like to be me. No one asks, no one cares. I get judged. That is all I get. " if he can speak at a 12 step meeting, he should get a job", "who is he, why does he still have problems". I hate this society. I hate it with all of my ######6 passion. I don't hate all the people. I love certain people, people like myself that are real. I ######6 detest the others. I dissociated every-time around the others; those that are so stupid, they think there little world is secure. I do not like over confidence. I would rather be around the people that know the pink elephant is in the room.

I need to find people to talk to that see the pink elephant is in the room. Im around people that deny the pink elephant is in the room when they know and I know the pink elephant is in the room. I want to talk about the pink elephant in the room and dissect its philosophical meanings.

At some point I would like to bring a girl ( women into my life). Getting women is not the problem. Im scared livid of the horror shock of someone rejecting me because of my Psych life style. I don't know what to think. Should I only date Psycho's; those of the Psych world.

If she looks on my computer, will she find the 10;s of thousands of porno sites. 10;s of millions and trillions of porno sites I look at in a one hours time..

My apartment is so messy, I hate washing cloths.

I feel like a big looser to the outside world. Im lucky to be alive, my life has been extended, yet, who in the Normi world will care? Who in the Normi world will appreciate someone like me.

Women like me, they like the way I look. Im scared to death of this. What happens when they find out whats underneath the looks. That Im a freak, I have the maturity of a 12 year old! What then!

I've had Normi's think Im antisocial, they have no idea what is going on. When they find out I have a stunted life style, will they stay with me or run away. I have no future with someone, not financially.

Its all very humiliating and depressing.

My music is coming back to me, I've been practicing, However, Im mad that my original life was taken from me. If I had the ability at an early age to develop, I would have been an actor and play-write. I can still do these things, However, Im mad that my life and talents were destroyed by jealous...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon May 28, 2012 4:56 pm

No editing!, This ######6 sucks. Bring it back you $%#@.;.

I went to her in all innocence. She acted like she needed to be rescued. I rescued her, then she left me. She did something worse then betrayal. She did what Adolf Hitler did. He made excuses, then he turned on the human race. He/She tried to get to the top of the ladder by way of dead people. As a top American General once stated, " Hitler was an exceptionally bad person".

The girl Im talking about was an exceptionally bad person. What scares me; many people are like the girl from above; they will lead me on, act friendly, become my friend, act needy, play act every detail of the role of love and friendship, then with out warning, pull the rug out. Blow the ship up with me on it, laughing all the way to the bank. The problem: Im an honest honorable man, Im a man of integrity and decency. I am a citizen of my country. This girl was my countryman. Why would she try to destroy her own people. Why would she betray and dishonor an honorable upright honest person, for what gain? To gain status that she set up and destroyed an honest man? I loved her with all of me; Is that not what I was suppose to do. She acted like it didn't matter if she ever saw me again, or ever remembered me. What kind of humanoid is this? What kind of despicable demonic presence is. What kind of horrible people are my countryman creating. They have no conscious, Pure Evil is this! IT is?

If I love some one , does this not show value. If I notice and care about the person≥ What does this say about my virtue. If I call this person my friend; is there no higher position under God. I would die for my friend. Was I wrong. Yes, I was!, she was not my friend. She was not human. She was a demon in sheeps clothing,. The soldiers from WW1 talked about these types of people. They called them " Despicable fat cats" While the boys were out dyeing on the fields of France by way of bomb, flame thrower and Chlorine Gas, These Fat socialite Elite were making money of the bomb shells they sold. They sold there young people to the fields of death and misery. Murders and rapists of there own people, that is what the " Fat Cat" is. And this girl was no different. She was being groomed as a murderer. I murderer of the poorer classes. A murderer of those who cannot get up because of weakness and exhaustion and disability. These type of people prey upon the weak, the poor, the handicapped, the very young, the Innocent. As the General stated, " very bad people"

What is strange, she would have married me because I loved her. Why!, If she knew I loved her and didn't value it, why would she marry me. ANswer ;{ biology)....!

It was mindless, I built attraction by hitting on her hard; this showed resilience and persistence. This hit her attraction buttons. She felt safe, she was with someone that honestly cared about her. Yet, a black widow cares enough to be mated before she eats her counter part. Yum!!

Its despicable; and she is not the only one. More N More, I have met a million zillion bad people in this society. Trillions of them ( just like her!).

Im writing this slop to " Get it Out:", because I will be dating soon. The girls wont leave me alone, they keep look'n at me. Im Froggy and I want to jump!! Bling Bling!!

I do not understand, I do understand, I don't understand how someone could marry me and at the same time turn on me so viciously and purely as my enemy on a moments notice. I certainly understand wickedness; thats not the point. I understand evil, I know why the person did this from an evil aspect. I wonder why t...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sat May 26, 2012 11:08 pm

Im moving forward in the song creation process. Several days ago I decided to do something with the songs Iv'e been working on in church. Im having to start over, start with an empty chalk board. I have an understanding of song form and chords.. The exploration in lyric writing is beginning. Real story telling lyrics is not easy for me. Iv'e decided to make many poem drafts until Iv'e found the words Im looking for. Its all a very good lessons.

Learning to understand: PTSD is the cause, not people. When I get triggered I blame, I attack!

The land is full of monkeys. Its about control issues. Who will be in control, who will maneuver the other guy first.

Its all to more,

Im getting a better understanding of my condition

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