OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:53 pm

I plan to draw pictures buy the lake next to a cabin like when I was a boy... With no expectations of being anything else ever. All I needed was ink pens and a tablet and to feel safe.. Nothing more.

The old family system will have left my mind so I will not think of loss. There was nothing to lose in the first place. It was all a lie...

I pray for all the dead children that had to kill themselves because there families betrayed them. Poor kids. I remember them. I pray for them....

I pray for my future wife. I hope she isn't still on dope.

Ill keep drumming, it seems to be doing so many great things for me at this time.

Dealing with manipulative creeps is getting to me. They are winning. I cant stand up to them. Im getting over ran... What do I do. Im slowly learning what to do.. I don't want to go through with this.

I was born to be an actor. I have to remember this. I am suppose to be on a stage. That is a long distance dream. I have to keep working on it.. Trusting God.

I am to create 500 songs. I better get started or I don't get new stuff.

Im 50 years old and women still love me. I get hit on all the time.. However, I can feel the hair loss. At some point all of this is going to change. I will not be attractive to women anymore. I will get old. I have to prepare for this. This sucks. Women are so hot....

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:13 pm

"Its all a game; memories. Im Afraid many people have come from a community and family system like mine... Many people at the state Pen are from from over exposer to dysfunctional systems.
My mother was a sociopath that sadistically hated men and children... My father was a sociopath that abandoned anything. What a bizarre combination. I had no relationship with my mother and a false relationship with my father. . She was a stranger/he was a stranger. As a child I had a fantasy bond associated with that time. Im afraid everything I believed and set my heart on was false. The family system I came from were a family of deviant sadistic creepers.. People of a humanistic watered down description. I was destroyed then erased as a human being.. These were sick people, much like the offenders at the state penitentiary. And the surrounding upper middle class white communities were the same; Sadistic murders soul murderers. if you ever gave them a chance to find innocence alone under the dark with no protection." : run!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Im anchored, slowly being maneuvered by 7 tugboats to bring me out of the harbor back down the river of life. Im at the harbor of the ocean. I will probably go back and fourth down that ocean coast of memories a few more times. Its not over. Plenty of dissociations that have over-boarded are still uncovered and worked on. It is not a mountain anymore that I climb; or I shall say, the mountain has plenty of open paths at this time. The paths are smooth and open and solid, much travel is going up those paths, back and fourth, much traffic geographic.. Because of happiness and openness the valley is crying for seekers. Much energy flows back n fourth. Enthusiasm and hopeful energy fill the landsrad.

My mother is the worst of the nightmares, what she did. She was a psychological coward and a bully. like the bully you find in junior high, Only its a psychological game to her. And it is a game; destroying children's lives that she be entertained, that she prove her status and loyalty to her rich friends and not her family. The despicable quality to a sociopath is beyond my scope of question. They will wreck other people if there Ego's are being trampled on. Trampled on by decency and the truth. The truth is good enough.

My only crime; I was born to the wrong race of people. This whole white way of life is so sicking.. its like drinking strychnine and over amounts of sand based vanilla extract. The choking sensation can be defined like the choking sensation one encounters in the torture device of water boarding. "My O my"..!!!! God get me out of here....!! Give me relief...

Cowards attack where they believe there underhanded behavior can get away with it. They feel nothing. Cowards feel contempt for there victims and always will. Most of the victims are decent honorable members of the citizenry. These gutless,deserters look for the weak, they look for the unattended and the shy. These brood of vipers are criminals and they are not interested in changing... They are lovers of Evil; to lie and deceive is a way of life to these vampires. They worship the father of lies from below. The oppressor and the oppressed have one thing in common; God sees both.... No one gets to hide.

When a person like myself has been humiliated, all I can do is move forward, talk to others about the pain, get it out, keep going on. I cant deal with it alone, there must be a group of loving people to help.

The reasons I had problems with my mother and father, or that my mother and father went to war with me; they were not my parent, or real parents. I came through them at birth; not from them. I came from God; God is my real parent. I never had a mom or dad. These people were sociopaths who had found themselves in a family system. They had no ties to anyone. They had exterior...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Jun 16, 2012 9:18 pm

Have you ever noticed, ever been through a situation where someone wants to steal your happiness or is jealous because you are doing well, or you are yourself. Its been that way all of my life. Im a kind of innocent simple basic intuitive person. Im sensitive. Im the type of person that wants to draw pictures outside on the grass while drinking a milk shake. Im the type of person that started out life drawing pictures sitting on the grass. I wanted to be an artist ever since, I never wanted to be anything else, And that is no one else's business. However, other people of lessor quality got involved and tried to destroy me. They almost succeeded. now Im attempting to go back to being that basic person that sits on the grass and draws pictures again... It was a time of being a child with no ego. I never wanted to have an ego or be anything other then myself. I was scared out of being myself. Then it was forced out of me, then raped out of me... I was destroyed by evil, very bad people. Im sorry it was from my immediate family system and there relatives. That is almost to much to bare.. However, it was, and Im trying to deal with it the best I can. I was sadistically used raped and thrown away. That is the best way to describe it.

The second issue came from the locals; I was suppose to have friends, best friends like my own brother, people I grew up with. A whole neighborhood full of family and friends. They all disappeared. They were all fair weather. None were ever my real friends. Nothing!, this is truly a torch I hope no one ever has to bare. Its a horrible horrible disappointment and treachery. My history was erased. I was erased out of existence. I would have died, no one was interested if I did....

I was sadistically and ritually raped and tak'n advantage of from the early ages, 0 to 3. This is where alters come from, this is where true dissociative disorder comes from... Very interesting... Very horrible. The was the beginning of misery. Later at the age of 9 it would start again…
-----

I am very lucky at this point. As I want to go back to being the person outside the cabin that sits by the lake, draws pictures, drinks mild shakes and thinks about the stars.. I end up with my own independent life. I realize the creeps I came from, what they are truly like, and never ever go back. They were liars and thieves of the worst white collar nature. No soul, depravity with no conscious about anything..

I still have allot of work to do concerning my mother. That is the scorching burning cinders that hollows my nervous system. Looking at that situation, the horrible despicable in-human treatment I went through, This will help to heal things more and more..

Im so different then the average monkey that doesn't think.. What I want out of this life is to be me, and to learn to protect and defend that position. Im not interested in being around others that want to mold me into there ideas or there imagery; that makes me sick!

I need to feel safe from my past and all involved, and feel safe finding myself when moving into the present.

Im a very simple low key person. I just want to create art work...

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jun 07, 2012 10:59 pm

I was hanging out with people that hated me.. I have to make sure in the future how not to do that.

I never knew; its freaky to look back on it now.. I walked into a den of black widows and never knew it. I even tried to rescue some of the black widows. I must have been crazy. They weren't my people. I was out of my league. I was out of my head. I was living in fantasy land. I was legally delusional.

I need to understand what happened and make sure it never happens again. I have to make sure I don't get seduced by money, or big houses or boats or big names again. I really got seduced and caught up in the big name thing. The families with the big names, families that had money. I thought I was worth it. I didn't have anything, and it would be made very clear and very abruptly that I had nothing, and that it was time for me to leave. That my heart had no value, or its love for anyone from these families. it was a horror show for me. I don't ever want that to happen again. I valued myself with someone else's outsides. I cannot allow that to happen again.!

I felt that my worth was weighed in gold. real Gold!, I was a quick entertainment to these high echelons. The real me had no value to anyone. I was the biggest laughing-stalk. I did know I was being made a fool of.

Im going to have to rethink what I judge has important and what is not important. Iv'e learned that high economic are something I don't have, therefore its better to stay away. To many people are turncoats.

I went to each person for friendship. They never sought me out. Not one. I promoted myself. It was never attraction.. Ive learned the difference.

I thought I found nice people. None are nice!.. I have to learn what discernment is...!

Some of these relationships went on for months and years, all false. I was being used, I was being hated at the time and didnt know it.

I will talk it over with my therapist!!

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:57 am

Im at that point where Im dealing with disrespectful people; again!. The world has not changed. They fight me like a WW1 fights against its soldiers.. They will give no ground.. Evil never does. Its good vs Evil... Life is this simple.. regardless of the mental conditions I have, the world is still good and evil.. I love the good so much and appreciate it; I hate the evil that much more for its cowards, and Im realizing how hard it is to over throw the evil. The evil and those who practice it care about nothing, especially my boundaries and right of passage.. I have to be aware of this or I get slaughtered. Never give what is valuable to pigs and swine lest they trample me under there feet, turn and tear me to pieces.... Never give what is holy to the dogs..

If you dig a pit, you fall in it; if you break through a wall, a snake bites you. I broke through a wall tonight and I got bit. They were waiting for me. I have to remember, Im a nice person. The evil in the world is waiting for people like me to make a mistake. Most of the evil that I see surrounds the concepts of Envy and strife. Others think they are Gods and can get away with what ever criminal act they fantasies in there minds. When Im surrounded with the type of people I just described in the last few sentences, I find myself bewildered and lost. I find myself surrounded by the enemy. Eyes are on me from every direction. I haven't been willing to look for alternatives. I need to.. Im changing. I need new surroundings. Others don't play fare in some of the places I rome. I have to learn the truth of a thing. I cant change arrogant people, they are to stupid. What am I thinking? Im dissociative, that is part of the problem, Im trying to brake through a wall with snakes on the other side. I will have to recede and look for another wall..

76

75

Blog 74: Happiness

Blog 73: relationship consciousness

common sense

Who is online