OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Oct 05, 2012 4:19 am

I haven't blogged to much on sex.. I haven't had the need.. my sexual self is fine.. Meaning its my business, not yours.. Nor will it ever be yours.. However, tonight I talk about it because it is effecting my outside life... and first I talk about the social life ....

A strange thing I just mentioned. " an outside life"..... My alters are speaking up wanting to use the word "we"//// "We have a social life"
I am learning and developing very slowly in the outside.. Outside my apartment... Im sticking.. meaning, Im staying longer on the outside.. I get into trouble, I stay outside and fix the trouble.. I don't run home... Im getting slowly stronger.. the price is absolutely brutal. I would hope others would not have to be humiliated the way I am... The humiliation is helping me to snap up and wake up... The humiliation occurs when I do not construct boundaries against stupid people. I need halting behavior; either to stop them or to stop their behavior or to run...

Im noticing allot of guilt and shame stuff thrown at me over and over and over.. Passive aggressive stuff. ALso, boundary breaking.. hidden hatred loathing and disgust...

People do not understand me.. They don't need to.. They never will. Regular people cop attitudes and judgments about people when they meet them.. Im afraid I was hated from the beginning.. I have to trust God.. As I get stronger, I take more chances. I like to flip it back! and flip my mouth off to people concerning what I really believe. Ive noticed that the arrogant hate for me seeps through the false smiles and laughter.. It is rough, and I will keep taking it as long as I can... I am slowly remembering and waking up...
This idea is that I win.. my status becomes complete and I then move on.. Many of the people around me sense this is what Im doing and attempt to block me... They will not allow me to win. What they do not understand: I win by showing up and getting the experience. Its not about them blocking me. However, Creepo blockers also like to create deep seated resentments, resentments that push me back into there direction for a fight.. I am learning to feel that deep fire and let it go. However, I return again and again for me, that I build up. It is Gods orders and it is painful and humiliating and it is working.. The sward must be put into the fire if it is to be hardened.

At some-point when I am strong enough I will let go.. As the people will never let me be. They will continue to destroy out of jealously and hate..

Im afraid these people to don't have a clue about me... nothing... These are average people. Normal, OK people. a bit on the resentment against life phase; not all. Just your average people.

I feel for all the children that will die from PTSD and other problems of giving up... Im so sorry. This community Im in could kill 10,000 just by maintaining there ignorance... Murder is murder; there is no excuse...
--------------------------------------------------------

Sexual addiction:

Even the therapists didn't mind... They understood I could not get close to any people. All that someone in my condition had was porno... Not abnormal.. Is it sexual addiction.. Hmm, sort off. It is brought about by the inability to have intimacy and the dissociative state...

lately, Ive been around more and more women at a closer proximity, and strange things are happening..

First, the desire for some of them is spilling through... My interest in them, my want of them.. My sexual depravity for them... Well, thats not true.. Its more a need for love.. Im not used to being so close and present. I am not used to the feelings coming out of me for these beautiful young women. Im not used to being close to them. Its shocking me a bit. First thing that came to mind is Im seeing them sexually and it shows, and that shocked me. I thought to myself; I have to control this,...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 27, 2012 1:27 am

Im in great pain.. My mind is in great pain.. Pressure succeeds from its ruptured center. However, this is not a bad thing.. The center is slowly giving way; giving way by choice of the alters that run it. My alters are becoming active in the present personality or along with it in cooperation. It will be a few years... Im heading in the right direction. My memories are slowly returning, and bigger trauma experiences are showing themselves. New directions are leading these trauma memories to outer vistas of hope acceptance and sunlight.

I have one big fisher-abyss area.. The great tsunami of reality breaks that occurred at 9 years old. This is ever so slowly being examined by many of me..

I am grateful to be alive and heading in the right direction.. Truly a miracle.. How many years did I spend as a lost forsaken throwaway human being with no future.. A giant pain amplifier soon to commit suicide again for the final resting place.

My mind is ripped apart.. The PTSD is a disability situation.. However, I can see myself reaching out into the community and doing more. I see myself creating the arts I've always been interested in. I see myself participating in things... having friends.

This past is resolved in a strange way; through understanding.. No one came back. Well, they did, I was able to resolve things with Gods help and about 12 thousand 12 step meetings and allot of yelling. Im still yelling, Im still going to meetings! The alters are in agreement, most, that the walls will come down and life will be waiting for me.. waiting to try again as a single person without the old family system or neighborhood, or old way of life.

I will create a new life outside the old boundaries and walls. The walls will come down and although I am damaged, this wont stop me from participating or creating things..

My mind is weak and will continue to be so. Work is out I think ( I don't know what to think of this) I suppose I should count myself lucky! if work participation is the only thing that stays destroyed.

relationships are possible with allot of education on both sides. I think! I will have to find out for myself in the real world before I start talk'n.

Participation in life is in, at small levels.

I will stay on social security.. I am 50 years old. Im not sure what to think of this... Im lucky to be alive, so I will learn to live with it.. And I will pray first about all things and all decisions with Gods help.

As I get better, people are slowly gravitating towards me... Its very interesting to watch.. Im still acting weird and defensive. Im learning...

Things are not perfect. I still have the anxiety disorder that is always on and about 50/50 in my nervous system and mind... It never goes away. Today!, its about adding life to the picture and reaching through the looking glass at new things...

AVPD is alive and well!

PTSD attacks happen.. It sucks. I turn into another person that wants to kill kill kill!

Im looking forward to being more present for creating in the arts.

Dissociative disorder is alive and well, better! Much better! Still causes mass problems, still, much better then it ever was...

Im not skizo like I used to be. And I don't think I will ever go back to that stage, I am to educated on my condition, and I have to many outlets for help... Never alone if I don't want to be!

The old family system is gone...

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 20, 2012 4:30 pm

A bridge back to this life. Im not on that bridge, or, Im on the edge of that bridge.. I have to have the original memories; be connected to them. I will see them and feel them and grieve the losses. Lots of losses, lots of me caught in those past memories. When experiencing these "original me" memories, the pain of loss and abandonment comes with it. I see the memories, I also see when I tore away from those memories and the pain of many forms of that rape of self. I've been raped in many different forms... ITs a horrible thing to look back on; to see a life destroyed for no reason. This abyss( that area of most trauma) is a place of dissociation. My life's work is to get in-touch with that area, get my memories back and then head forward. That will be allot of work and processing, as I will remember what I had and what I lost. What I lost is the hardest part... That is the " gnashing of teeth, part!" section!, the place of denial. Many people are in this place in there lives.. I've found to trust God and keep going , heading toward this brook of reality. The memories, as I get close wont kill me, ( not now)…. The associates in the memories I trusted betrayed me at some point. It is hard accept to feel and see the memories with "them" in the picture. It is "them" that broke my heart, my will, my soul. These people are ( were) organized murderers; that is all they were. There love for the system, and to serve it to glorify themselves was there only cause.

They were murderess: That is all they ever were. I never knew... I thought they were nice people.

This is what Iv'e learned: Im a nice person, I need nice people around me. I don't have to be around creeps.. I need real , and I need, and I deserve decent people around me. I thought in the past that I was around real people, decent people. They were demons. I did not know, as I never rocked there boat. If I had rocked there boat at an early age, I would have seen through the facades to the real animals underneath. I loved these people, ( what a joke, the joke was on me) they did not love me, nor did they have one ounce of love or interest or worth for me. I was mistaken; just mistaken identification. I thought I was associating with decent people, I was wrong, they were nice sounding vampires... nothing more. I never knew I was in a den of black widows.. Now I see them, I see vast numbers of them.. A whole city full of " them", my eyes have been opened by God and it is saving my life. I don't care what murderers and vampires think of me, and that is the beauty of it all.

I will never be around these people again... They wont remember me. They never liked me in the first place. ( they never had any internal principles to " like" others in the first place) I never knew; I know now... they thought they were better then me, better then everyone. I never knew, I know now.. They would sell me down the river, they would buy the noose to put around my neck... They never cared as they were never friends of mine in the first place. How horrible and despicable to find this out, and have to live through it. They were never safe!, I did not know that. If I had known they were not safe I would have ran to help to get away from them. Whats decapitating is; they were never friends of mine, yet I was around them day after day, year after year. Never liked. Secretly they hated me and had contempt... My role was ever believing in them or what they believed in. Next time I believe in myself and what I believe in.... And trust God...

I have a long way to go. My mind was damaged for a long long time. I have much work to do and much connection or reconnection to establish.. All very hard and dangerous to do.

I have to remember that Im not in control, God is in control. I have to remember its one sliver of memory at a time. Those memories are so powerful i...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Sep 17, 2012 3:51 pm

More sanity is taking place. More of me is coming back, its a very nice thing, its a very strange thing.. I've worked relentlessly for 15 years on this stuff; some of those years were extremely difficult and brutal. I never thought that I would be. My mind is moving back into alignment, However, damage has been sustained. Im learning to live with and accept myself and the limitations of that damage..

Sanity is returning to me... Im not the puppet I used to be. Im starting to know who I am... And because of that Im not taking anymore attitudes from people.

However, I find myself in the most strange difficult situation: What to do about the idiots that Ive been associating with... Not everyone is an idiot, However, a number of people think they have it going on. Believing that Im a dumb ass and a fool, many of these trilobites try to play out the superior emperor role upon me. Im looking to forward growth that I may say good by to these sycophants. It will take time. These weasels are a a sure footed lot of nothingness, and they feel the same about me; In the face of reality I must leave at some point..

I hate associating with people that hate honest people!, or people that destroy innocent people. I hate them. I forgive everyone!
------

They come at me like vampires when they know Im attempting to go through my original developmental stage... They come at me like war...

They hate it that I have the courage to develop, they want to stop me...

so many would like to see me go away... So many are attempting to control others and keep them under there thumbs.

Im hated by those that control others and want to get away with it. Cowards that wont see the light of day.

I am wrestling with those cowards... Im like a 9 year old wrestling with adults... I need help and I need support to keep going, to keep growing... I understand that my parents wont help me... they never did.. They are dead.... Ive always been alone.. Im so sorry that my brothers were never with me either... I never knew this.. I always thought they were my friends... they were never my friends.

My best friend was a fiend. He was never a friend. It was all a lie... I was always alone... How can a group of people do this to another human being. How can they destroy another person then witness that death; help with that murder. Why did they try to murder me.. jealously I guess, as if My life had any direct or indirect influence on them; it did not..

I was alone living on my dreams with a solid building to live in as a child. It was that building that kept me alive. Much like the sanctuary of a church... That was my strong hold, and the friends that I met as a child. I was independent as I felt safe at times and had a mother and father in the house with brothers.. Then it was destroyed... No one there cared about me.. My whole life was destroyed... Every dream and hope and ambition. And with it all friends and hope that I had met. The neighborhood turned on as much as my biological upbringing ( I don't want to call them family, they were no ones family, they were not my family, there were a bunch of jackals, nothing more).

Im attempting to wake and, see what happened, deal with it, feel it , explore it and then move on some how knowing or accepting what happened and that I was robbed of the most basic of human rights and needs. I was robbed by very vicious and bad people. And they turned out worse... That robbery mangled my life.. And they never paid, nor were they taken to jail.. If they didn't want me, that was fine!, They had no right to kill me..

Know Im attempting to come back and stay... with the understanding of who and what I was dealing with..

What kills me is; the friends I supposedly had, I can see them in my mind as close friends, and I can also see when they turned on me; tried to blame me for the abuse I was befallen to. I was shocked when this happened. Now I know...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Sep 08, 2012 2:18 am

Im at the point that others are bugging me. If they look at me with disrespect, I don't like it or want it around me or have to be harassed by it...

As I fuse parts of me back into a whole... Im interested in the future and the present... The past becomes memories.. not sidewalk horror shows, or anchors around my neck-brace...

My social skill are getting stronger. The ability to respond is getting slowly better, inch by inch.. Im not fighting it or expecting to much... Im just letting it happen.

Im sensitive to being snubbed by people, as they are not helping me succeed. Im getting mad about it. Im being purposely turned off... Turned of like a kitchen light at night... Its about others controlling me.. I would like to get to the point that others don't have this negative effect on me..

Others manipulating me to get something from me... If they cant manipulate they want nothing to do with me... I would like to get to the point that these people don't have control over me or bother me when Im in the same room.

I like my serenity and don't want others waisting it or trampling me under there feet, turning and tearing me to pieces...

------------------------------------------

Im reattaching to some memories.. This is a good thing... Im realizing my mind is much weaker then most.. I cannot stay present very long.. I recede inside my brain and become dissociative.

im looking forward to attaching to enough memories that positive results proceed. ive been uncomfortable to react or interact with anything... Anything except expressive things... Mountain biking.. playing drums... playing with clay anxiety ball... At times making pictures, or making music.. However, the creative stuff comes and goes.

its very hard to interact with creative media.. I don't feel safe, it brings up to much pain when I was taken advantage of... Only time will tell if I interact with the better memories that will allow me to express intimately.

------------------------------------------------

Sexual addiction

Breaking through 50/50

Connecting the bridge

Sanity

Worrying about others and other stuff

Who is online