OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Jul 14, 2012 4:28 pm

In about 6 months I will be better. Dissociation and Stress levels are the biggest mind bender away from reality; all CPTSD based. Im a fairly lucky guy, as the symptoms from this anxiety based disorder go down, my head clears and I can feel again. I could feel nothing a few years ago. I was a sociopath from all of my conditions a few years ago. I could not remember anything a few years ago. That was a few years ago, this is now. I was under the sea of reality a few years ago. Im walking on the beach these days. Im stumbling around in the sun and sand trying to understand all of this. The last thing I remember I was watching Giligans Island on TV; not the reruns, the original series. Same for the Star Trek and Flipper. Now Im here. What happened. I got robbed of my life. Im extremely fortunate or lucky to have come back. I still have 30 years left.

I have the full condition; its not fully in my conscious mind. That is an amazing thing. I can feel it in my subconscious, I can feel it all over my body; in my nervous system. My mind is a 10th strength wise of the average person. Just a few trauma blows and Im out. Everything slows down and I become autistic in nature; I have to dissociate to survive. I cant think, I have to be led. I cannot function for myself. Its like being controlled in a nazi prison camp.

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The people around me have called me a lier, no good, selfish user, living of everything from cantaloupes to the state agencies. Ive been humiliated, spat on , attacked, crucified; all because I am myself. And this is after SSI... I know that in a few years I will no longer care what other people think. I will be myself with this Stress disorder; hopefully it will never get out of hand from trauma shells like before. I hope that doesn't happen again. Im older now and now some things. Before I was an abused innocent unkowning terrified kid who was about to loose his life. I didn't know what to do. I had no support of any kind from the beginning. The only thing I had was my wits and my fantasy bond; this would not be enough; for children are not suppose to be slain by the system they live in. Im an American citizen and I was disrespected and destroyed by my own people, my own family system; thrown away by others, ridiculed abused and thrown out. In a state of severe trauma; after being raped, terrorized, debased, physically assaulted and groomed and abandon, my mind went out on me and did not return. No one asked a question about my life or my condition. I had no value of any kind to anyone.. What bothers me; the poor children that come after me that will experience the same thing. What do they have to look forward to; the rope! They will not survive it.

In a few years I will be married. As for work. Hmm. I doubt it. Not in this work based system. I am learning to live again and express myself at some things. Telescopes, drums, mountain biking. Im Ok with stuff that expresses out; things that relieve the condition. As soon as a wall goes up and I cant express myself Im through. I have to leave. I have no staying power, the anxiety levels shoot through the roof.

More and more I will get rid of people from my presence that don't count and concentrate on my wider interests of practice. All is practice.

Forgiveness is still important as well as resentment work; I use the 4th step from 12 step groups to help with that.
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I pray for all the people that have killed themselves; all that were thrown away from society. All that were thrown away from the people of there societies. Those did nothing to anyone, they were just born at the wrong time in the wrong space. Poor people. I know what its like when ones life is over. It is a grueling nightmare. The worst of sadness.

To send children to the rope is an act of organized murder by the people of that society. When one 15 year old hangs themselves because they've...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jul 12, 2012 7:42 am

I have a stress related condition. When its overboard, it turns into high end dissociative disorder. When symptoms are down it turns into a stress related disorder. All disabling for interaction with the outside world.

I will have to relearn how to deal with the outside world when interacting with it under this stress.

The stress glass is always full and over flowing. Its stays on 24 hours a moment. Im Ok, Im used to it until I get triggered. Triggered is being responsible for something outside myself. I can handle spontaneous moments of expression; if I feel safe. And I have to practice feeling safe, and I never feel completely safe.

Dealing with people, or , having relationships is the hardest thing for me. Or, I will say, starting relationship; very difficult.
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Women are attracted to me! Im at the point that I may take some of them out for coffee. ITs been a long long time.. So long that I have no idea how women are going to react to my personal life. I am scared to death to let anyone get involved with me.. I don't need the stress involved in dysfunctional. I do need and want the relationships. It is normal to have relationships with people. I live in an abnormal world and I forget this at times.

Im attempting to understand that I have no control over the outcome when letting others into my life. I can ask for what I want, that is as much control as I have. Once I ask, Im putting myself out into the vast oceans.
I have been treated very badly in my life by all these monkeys out here in LA LA land. Im beginning to wake up and understand they are all mindless monkeys and nothing more, if I expect anything more from them, that is my fault. Yet, I need relationships with people. Man was not meant to be alone. And " not alone" means; intimate relationships....

Most people Ive associated with in this life required outside performance status as a key to my worth. I could never live up to " status",. so I gave up... I felt it despicable that someone would except something from me with out first inquiring who I am and what Ive been through. I found the whole affair an affront to decency. This will not stop me. No one owes me anything, I have no control over anything. The faster I can understand this unfair approach to life, the better off I will sustain in reality.
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Music; a very important aspect for my mental health. I like to write songs, I don't always like to write them down.. I don't like the board'm associated with that aspect of song writing... Im scared to write them down and finish them.. I would be moving from amateur to something more. Something I want, something Im interested in; something Im scared to death of. Lots of blocks in this. Lots of anger and phobias. I will keep working towards it, I have an idea; what if I make a list of what it would look like in a positive way when finishing these songs and performing these songs.. What would that look like in a positive way.

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jul 09, 2012 10:30 pm

Am I a victim! Now what do I do...!

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Jul 07, 2012 6:41 pm

Im finding myself in unsafe arenas with despicable people. People that want to destroy my good name to keep the power. Im used to 12 step meetings where there is no cross talking. sometimes, I forget that in the real world there are no rules. Others can and will barge in on me. They do it all the time. I get thrown out of situations out of disrespect. I seize up when around these people to these situations. They through innuendo's at me implying that Im a beggar, a loafer and no good. These are the people that drive teenagers to hang themselves. These are the types that drive an honest man to start civil war in his kingdom. All hate and passive aggressive.
A massive amount of prejudice comes my way. allot of implied hate. I have no where to back up to, no place to run to. The places I run to have these people. So the safe places God has brought me are unsafe because of the people that dwell in them. I have to turn to God, not myself≥ Im so tired of being sacrificed. I thought mexico city was the last of the heart eaters at mid night.

I have a hard lesson of surrender to learn. Others may look friendly at first, later I see they have contempt for people like myself. Its about power and status. Its always about innocence vs power greed and status. They call me a lier or imply that Im no good, that Im dishonest and the worst of people. Iv'e lied to no one. They seek influence. popularity. They will con anyone to have it or get it. I will get steamrolled if I don't watch it. These people are ruthless. They take; spit everything and everyone out when they are done. I have to learn to get away from these people. Its a set up and a trap when ever they get close to me. They act friendly up front, inside they hold resentments for me. They resent knowing me. They wish they had never met me. I feel the same way towards them.

If you build a healthy trust with me. I would give the shirt off my back to you. You must first build trust. You must not look at me as an opportunity to get ahead. I am not an abject. I am a human being.

Im trying to write this blog to the pain out, get my sanity back. I know that if I have the pain I have the problems. I know that the problem starts because I didn't fight back. My behavior did not respond and protect me. So Im mad as hell about that. Im mad at myself for not responding quickly and solving this problem. I did not react when I needed to react. I did not stay away when I need to stay away.

Im around upper middle class people that hate what Im suppose to stand for. Im suppose to play so many different parts. Im not playing them and its leaving people bewildered as what to do with me.

I am being spit on and attacked because being me is proof that these people Iv'e mentioned above are living a corrupt lie. this puts me in a superior level status. That is why Im getting attacked. I never asked for this position. These people are not better then me or anyone else.

For now until I get better, I have to learn to lie low and a better time of control. Im trusting God and I receive benefits for that. When Im stronger I will try to find a different situation to deal with. until then I have to learn to lie low./.

I will forgive everyone and pray they have everything I could ever want in my life. What others think of me is none of my business≥

I have to respond and get out of a situation even if I think it is safe and I am entitled. I have to look at my role in this. explain what is happening , How I feel about it and learn to put more of myself back into the situation and directions that God requires of me. What is my role in it.

I keep wanting to fit in somewhere; looked at with worth. I refuse to except that it always has to be about money. However, God is teaching me different. He is letting me know that Im lucky to be alive and this is not yet over. My problem is reality: I wont except how bad things are. How bad the people are. Im judged to death bef...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:26 am

Im slowly digging in deeper to the lower inner levels of this compartment of self. This is an area of fears'm PTSD and its live scars.. As I go deeper into the pain, I still think Im "back there". "There" is a place of death and no hope. It is freaky to walk back to that place in my mind, I dissociate thinking about it. Yet, Im aware it is in my mind. I just need to keep working on it. Just like a world war, the turn has been in my favor. I am winning this war, However, just like WW2,. The Battle of the bulge must be fought, thus the enemy knowing it has lost, will not give up for many more years, and they dig in and kill aggressively.

Im slowly collecting boundaries. Or My boundaries are starting to hold. Im getting close to people and walking by them or away from them. They have proven not to be my friend and I really don't need their manipulations.

Im learning that later when Im stronger, I can be in the same room as the enemy, I don't have to take the bate or run away. People don't appreciate me in a way that is correct. This makes things extremely confusing. I run away; I don't want people around me that don't treat me with respect. I don't like being in the same room with these people, and I don't get these people, unless they are sociopaths, then I get it.

I have to learn to take God with me.

Drumming is coming back to me. This is a great thing, its a confusing thing. Its part of my identity from parts of my past that were erased. The drums through the trauma years were interacted. Seems I was able to play drums at different times of the trauma experiences. Drums are an important part of my recovery. They are a primary hobby. Im not very good on them. I like playing them. Im hoping that in a couple of years I'll get better.

Women: This is a confusing thing. Age has me confused. I will have to prepare myself for the attack of older people lecturing me as I go out with younger women... Im not there yet. I have much work to do on my PTSD stuff, then I will date I think. I think I will have a date, at least one. Plenty of women twirl there hair and stare at me... Age doesn't seem to matter to them... I have no idea what Im doing. I understand attraction and how to attract. Im not sure about someone sticking around even though I care about them and make them laugh. Iv'e been around for awhile. When one cannot create the cash for a house. At some point things break up. This is a philosophical point, However it can be a true point.

Song writing is brutal; Im not getting anywhere. I know how to write. Its about abandonment issues. Im getting close. When I finish a large amount of songs, I've ask the person holding my money to dish me some , that I buy a new toy. I have this rule. I have to finish something first, show the goods first before I buy something new in the field Im creating in. This creates a journey of exploration and work with a goal at the end of the rainbow. Its A God thing. I work these small contracts of accountability with a trusted friends concerning the spending of money's

Going back out into the world some day scares me.

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Blog 81: Get out of there!

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