OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:19 am

In my world, A world of the imagination, Im somebody. In the world outside of myself Im no one. I am not someone that others want to know. Ive had masked admirers for my speaking and imagination. Ive been noticed for my depth and artistic maret. Yet, Im never noticed for being myself., The reflections of my past ring true, Like a ringing bell that cant be heard, "I", ringing out loud all day long. I am ringing to a baron land. A land of iced minds. A land of ice and snow... I am not cared about in this outside world. The hate-cold of this planet towards my spiritual and physical growth has lead to a thousand types of suicide in my younger days. Things are different now. I'm on my knees to God more and more , in his direction, not in the direction of the world. The world is of nothing. Nothing is in it... It is a baron lonely creepy place.

Don't quit. Don't quit when things get rough. Things get rough when I loose my identity. I loose identity. Controlling people are bad for me, I loose identity when I or go outside. Outside into they're world. When there are to many of them, I freeze. I dissociate. I cannot move. They hate me without a cause. They are better then me.. Just ask them.. They will tell you .....

In my world, A world of the imagination, Im somebody. In the world outside of myself Im no one. No one is interested in me. Ive had admires for my speaking and imagination. Ive been noticed for my depth and artistic merit. Yet, Im never noticed for being myself., The reflections of my past ring true, Like a ringing bell that no one hears. The outside bell falls to a different bell. A bell that is not like my bell. My bell is of an easier ancient hollow tone yet rich frequencies fall from its middle.

Church; Not easy. People hate me at this church.. I go, I get stronger. IT is working. I have not been chased out. It is my journey. Others may not understand that. It is not a time to run away. not yet.

music: I'm hitting PTSD problems and dissociating through the anxiety fields that hit like bomb shells. I can hardly sit down long enough to get started. However my mind is on a course of conquering this. So it is , so shall it be..

Women: With scripts this is possible. Like the music, I have to keep working at it. discipline is of the day..

PTSD: Ive been saturated for life. Ive been diagnosed 100% with it.. Ive been nuts from it. Ive learned to accept it the best that I can. My mind is altered, so has my way of life. I don't remember much of the last 40 years. Im like a child who started for the door, when he finally came to the door to open it and go play, it was 40 years later. This is one of several hundred symptoms.
PTSD causes massive problem with the concept of connection. As I get better, connection gets closer. Others call out for me to be connected to them. Its a natural thing to be connected.... The truth is good enough. Im finding I am of worth.. I talk freely as a person of worth, and I wont put up with others treating me less then a person of worth.. If you are not safe, you don't get in.. What you think of me is none of my business...

Anxiety: Getting better, communicating being a sick person dealing with a sick world is a complicated mess.. Im willing to try.. Inner personal communication is a hazardous thing..

Cambodia; This has hit me exceptionally hard. Im assuming the Cambodian holocaust represents so much about my personal life. Parallels exist between me and the Cambodian "them". Its such a sad thing what happened in Cambodia.. Im not sure why Cambodia is so important to me. I think its a God thing for me to study and grieve what happened, what happened to them, what happened to me. The Genocide seems strangely familiar to my personal survival story and experiences. The sadness and the losses. The lack of hope at any turn, every turn. I see the eyes of want in the old pictures of the torture rooms of Tuol Sleng. Those...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Feb 02, 2012 11:46 pm

Everything is going well on this side of the world.. Im practicing in this life , hitting land-minds,getting up, going forward. Im seeing results and getting better. A work in progress. A hard work in progress.

The gaol is to connect; with self, with Gods plans for me, with women, with the general world, with the stars at night. with the music in my dreams...

one goal is to clean everything on a regular basis. Clothing and apartment.

keeping my high end mountain bike in good shape is work...

Ive been studying the Holocaust from cambodia. I saw the pictures from the Tuol Sleng Prison. Its enough to break me. I want to save the children or young teenagers. I cant. Its very frustrating. They are gone. They were clubbed to death 35 years ago.. In the pictures, the prisoners look so alive. Did this happen yesterday...

Ive been through my own personal holocaust, I relate with what I see in the pictures and the stories. The eyes and facial expressions and lack of hope. The need and crying out for someone to save them, Anyone.! yet no one will be showing up, Instead they must prepare for death. I know it all to well. It is all so sad.. And those in these pictures will not be coming back. They are in the killing fields. Im surprised as some of these prisoners look like the person next door. I relate to the fear and the loss of words, and having no way out, Ones back against the wall, Knowing it will be over... The horror and terror that it will be over for them.. No way out. No hope. And the prisoners in these pictures know this.. Fight as they will, believing they are in control, it is no good. All their human strategy and willingness will not save them, and this agony shows in there pictures. And this agony is my agony. I pray that God take care of them in heaven. That they receive the love they were never allowed down here on this crummy planet...

Till next time...

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Jan 27, 2012 11:35 pm

Ive been practicing!

I face a beautiful women

Takers are vampireing me

Bank Teller;

Watch those eyes, they wonder. Im bringing on my own problems.

12 step group:

First encounter,
A women,. say hello. ( 3 second rule).. Don't think!

Into the meeting:

brought scripts with me.

CPTSD and Alters causing great anxiety. I survive and learn

Stop looking at people thinking I know what they are thinking. If I want a relationship, I will go up to them and talk to them.

Im noticing that Ive lost control of my eyes. They wonder. Getting that control back is important.

I share at the meeting. Im not sure if what Im saying is for attention and popularity.

Neediness and victimhood. Im learning to stay away from this.

A gentleman has spoken. I decided to walk up to him and talk to him. I survived.

I need to stop and think about how I will approach a person before I approach them. Dialectic behavior of awareness comes to mind.

1 year ago I could not let anyone near me at this level of personal awkwardness ..

The key is to keep working at it. Even if the locals have no idea Im working at or working through them.

Practice is the key. The goal of a war is to win. Everyone knows war causes casualties. I just have to tuff through it if Im going to learn anything...

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jan 26, 2012 4:55 am

Im doing better then I have ever been from a dissociative perspective. My middle life is mangled and asleep. Im learning so much about what really went on. SO much discomfort and pain. Im learning about myself. Im not happy about all of this. Not happy about what has happened to me. I would have never done all of this to myself..

Ive had several social encounters today. At least 5 I think that I was present for. Meaning, I was aware that I was trying to interact, it wasn't a passive situation. I was analyzing the situations to see how I could improve, not be a passive person.

ALters:

I have a protector alter that runs my life. ALl this alter does is protect, Run , hide from place to place and secretly drop or put something from her hand onto the ground or safe place, look around and start running again to hide. She has ran this system all of my life. She is the co founder of the system.
Im starting to see that I see everything through her eyes, not mine. I do everything she does, I run when she runs, I hide when she hides. She is a strong strong rock hard little alter.

Ive noticed lately socially that the person that responds is not present. I don't know who this is. I don't know the part of me that responds, this part of me is trapped in complete dissociation. When Im talking to someone its an alter that runs everything, The person that is to respond to the person Im talking to is nowhere to be found. I found this out tonight, Im scared and not responding. Im not able to understand the world around me with the child protector alter in charge. She/he has protected me all of my life. Tried as hard as possible from the beginning. Im starting to see her from the first grade when I was 6. She has been around from the beginning protecting me.. I just had a massive flash back. I am 4 or 5 playing at marry drakes play school. This is sacred ground that is kept safe. I believe the protector alters keep my memories safe that I may not get ruined incase I see more trauma. Well, I just saw more memories of sacred times.. This is coming out of the abyss of anxiety.

Who have I become, who have I been. I am shaped like fragmented clay.
Now Im looking for the me. The me that responds. Responds to something else then PTSD images. Im dissociate, Im wondering where I am, where is the person that responds to people. Its very frustrating. Its possible person is cut-up and weak. To weak to come out or be part of the present system.. I understand that. I need to be free to respond.

This person , the responder personality is gone. Buried I assume. I remember this person, He is no more, unless he can be unleashed. I don't know. Its strange, Like Ive been cut off from myself. Im only half. The other half is somewhere else... Or Im two of myself.
I think their are two of me, two of m's. Part of me is present as me, and the other part is the responder me and he is not present. I need him. I need him to be present that I am not passive. iTs very frustrating...

I had several people say hello to me tonight, I could not respond emotionally, because this response required the responder personality. All I can do is watch like a 4 year old in fear and trauma.

Im not sure of the way out on this.. I will have to study, ask the therapist... How did all this happen.! Things are not what they seem, or appear to be. What happened to me.... I am not my protector memories. I am a whole hidden group of memories I have never seen.

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Jan 25, 2012 6:49 am

Be prepared Be prepared Be Prepared Be Prepared Be Prepared Be Prepared ( repeat sentence)

3 seconds: make a decision

Awareness after the fact is not brilliant

What was her name ?

Keep hitting on it! Don't quit

Reflections

Another day in social land

Alter of responding

Social continues/Social confusions...

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