OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu May 31, 2012 5:46 pm

Im a 12 year old that wants a Coleman lantern; to go into the woods for the first time and experience new things, the woods, camping.

I am a new creature. The old is Gone, or disappearing. I will resume where I left off.

Im looking at punk names, death names, Goth names, crasher names, Buda, Im looking at cemetery fixtures..

Im looking at the theme for Halloween.

Im looking for the theme for my music direction, costumes, band names. videos.

Ive taken an interest in lyrics.. This is the hardest part, that and dancing. I suppose I can call it dancing, I would call it an intro to dancing, a warm up. I don't know how to dance, I have a few broken moves

Im looking at drum sets to play live, and other equipment. Im looking at story telling in front of the audience.

Im looking at my age.. Im 50 years old. how am I going to pull this off. Ive thought of younger people for the front man work, I can be the creator, yet on stage a more minor player. I don't know. That is what is great about drums, one can hide there.

Im getting stronger. Not strong enough to let go of the therapist. Strong enough to be in the world, and stay out there for awhile.. Yet, its still like being hit with a flame thrower. Im half traumatized when I wake up, the outside world hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how to fight back yet, in this political world. Its all politics.

I never wanted to come back to this place, this world, its hasn't changed.. Im a bit more intelligent and couscous of who I associate with and what power I give. When to run, when to fight... More running I think is appropriate. Even the cops are sick out here. They could use 12 step meetings more then me.

Im just practicing, meaning, I can mow a few lawns, practice drumming for a few minutes, lift a few weights, go to a meeting, go to the church.. Go to the store.

this is a step up from before... Before, everything was in my head... Now Im a bit more chancy in the outside world... Ive created more safe areas that I can attempt participation. Its a start. Its like walking outside of the mental hospital on my own and finding small things during the day to participate in....

My activities are equal to a 12 year old running at dissociative speed. .. Still, not very strong; little to no relationships. relationships are the king of interaction.. Interaction is the enemy of dissociative Disorder. Interaction is where the damage occurs; Way to much triggering of PTSD... Way to much... Im moving forward. Im moving forward without the old family system. I was never able to handle that emotionally. Im not sure if I will break at some point. I don't know.!

dealing with people is a hazarded business... They can be friendly, they can tear your arms off in a second. Its hard to use the general public as therapeutic mattress. They don't play soft. Most take advantage of what I say, they turn it back on me... I get crucified. The public doesn't care how it treats me.. They are not interested in human beings or human stuff. Its enough to drive someone to hang themselves..

Im not into hanging myself today. Instead of hanging myself I wait, Im not fooled by this lie called society. Im attempting to learn to save myself that I not be eat'n alive.

by **OMNICELL** on Wed May 30, 2012 5:30 am

I was riding home from mens bible study. Well, after the bible study, I played drums at the church. I have a steady gig there, Very cool, perfect for one living in the apartment seen. However, no air conditioning or heat for me. O well, thats the way it goes.

My mind is weak. Very weak. I have heal'd a bit. I push things. Im trying. I'm doing the best I can. My mind was ripped apart long ago and my diagnosis was death. Death to me, a very long time ago. I held on. I held on so long, my therapists were shocked that I was still alive in the state they first worked with me. I was a complete sociopath.. Hmm, thats not true; I was a vampire with a conscious.

Im better now. What does that mean? The child in me wants my parents, wants to go home. What do I tell him. How do I explain to the child in me that I was demoralized and thrown away permanently, for ever. How will the child in me ever trust this worthless world and its people ever again. It wasn't just the family system that destroyed me; rape, murder, abandonment. It was the whole community.

The goal is to get stronger. When Im stronger I carry the rest of me to safe places. Im afraid of what I have to face; my past, its to much for any human to face. The demoralization that occurred in my life is to much for me. Its to sad a thing. My inner self has already been tortured to the point of complete demoralized dissociation, how much more am I expected to deal with... Its been like a prison camp; my life! my mind has no strength; nothing. However, I have strength, Im stronger, I have God. God is carrying me.

People have no idea what it is like to be me. No one asks, no one cares. I get judged. That is all I get. " if he can speak at a 12 step meeting, he should get a job", "who is he, why does he still have problems". I hate this society. I hate it with all of my ######6 passion. I don't hate all the people. I love certain people, people like myself that are real. I ######6 detest the others. I dissociated every-time around the others; those that are so stupid, they think there little world is secure. I do not like over confidence. I would rather be around the people that know the pink elephant is in the room.

I need to find people to talk to that see the pink elephant is in the room. Im around people that deny the pink elephant is in the room when they know and I know the pink elephant is in the room. I want to talk about the pink elephant in the room and dissect its philosophical meanings.

At some point I would like to bring a girl ( women into my life). Getting women is not the problem. Im scared livid of the horror shock of someone rejecting me because of my Psych life style. I don't know what to think. Should I only date Psycho's; those of the Psych world.

If she looks on my computer, will she find the 10;s of thousands of porno sites. 10;s of millions and trillions of porno sites I look at in a one hours time..

My apartment is so messy, I hate washing cloths.

I feel like a big looser to the outside world. Im lucky to be alive, my life has been extended, yet, who in the Normi world will care? Who in the Normi world will appreciate someone like me.

Women like me, they like the way I look. Im scared to death of this. What happens when they find out whats underneath the looks. That Im a freak, I have the maturity of a 12 year old! What then!

I've had Normi's think Im antisocial, they have no idea what is going on. When they find out I have a stunted life style, will they stay with me or run away. I have no future with someone, not financially.

Its all very humiliating and depressing.

My music is coming back to me, I've been practicing, However, Im mad that my original life was taken from me. If I had the ability at an early age to develop, I would have been an actor and play-write. I can still do these things, However, Im mad that my life and talents were destroyed by jealous...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon May 28, 2012 4:56 pm

No editing!, This ######6 sucks. Bring it back you $%#@.;.

I went to her in all innocence. She acted like she needed to be rescued. I rescued her, then she left me. She did something worse then betrayal. She did what Adolf Hitler did. He made excuses, then he turned on the human race. He/She tried to get to the top of the ladder by way of dead people. As a top American General once stated, " Hitler was an exceptionally bad person".

The girl Im talking about was an exceptionally bad person. What scares me; many people are like the girl from above; they will lead me on, act friendly, become my friend, act needy, play act every detail of the role of love and friendship, then with out warning, pull the rug out. Blow the ship up with me on it, laughing all the way to the bank. The problem: Im an honest honorable man, Im a man of integrity and decency. I am a citizen of my country. This girl was my countryman. Why would she try to destroy her own people. Why would she betray and dishonor an honorable upright honest person, for what gain? To gain status that she set up and destroyed an honest man? I loved her with all of me; Is that not what I was suppose to do. She acted like it didn't matter if she ever saw me again, or ever remembered me. What kind of humanoid is this? What kind of despicable demonic presence is. What kind of horrible people are my countryman creating. They have no conscious, Pure Evil is this! IT is?

If I love some one , does this not show value. If I notice and care about the person≥ What does this say about my virtue. If I call this person my friend; is there no higher position under God. I would die for my friend. Was I wrong. Yes, I was!, she was not my friend. She was not human. She was a demon in sheeps clothing,. The soldiers from WW1 talked about these types of people. They called them " Despicable fat cats" While the boys were out dyeing on the fields of France by way of bomb, flame thrower and Chlorine Gas, These Fat socialite Elite were making money of the bomb shells they sold. They sold there young people to the fields of death and misery. Murders and rapists of there own people, that is what the " Fat Cat" is. And this girl was no different. She was being groomed as a murderer. I murderer of the poorer classes. A murderer of those who cannot get up because of weakness and exhaustion and disability. These type of people prey upon the weak, the poor, the handicapped, the very young, the Innocent. As the General stated, " very bad people"

What is strange, she would have married me because I loved her. Why!, If she knew I loved her and didn't value it, why would she marry me. ANswer ;{ biology)....!

It was mindless, I built attraction by hitting on her hard; this showed resilience and persistence. This hit her attraction buttons. She felt safe, she was with someone that honestly cared about her. Yet, a black widow cares enough to be mated before she eats her counter part. Yum!!

Its despicable; and she is not the only one. More N More, I have met a million zillion bad people in this society. Trillions of them ( just like her!).

Im writing this slop to " Get it Out:", because I will be dating soon. The girls wont leave me alone, they keep look'n at me. Im Froggy and I want to jump!! Bling Bling!!

I do not understand, I do understand, I don't understand how someone could marry me and at the same time turn on me so viciously and purely as my enemy on a moments notice. I certainly understand wickedness; thats not the point. I understand evil, I know why the person did this from an evil aspect. I wonder why t...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sat May 26, 2012 11:08 pm

Im moving forward in the song creation process. Several days ago I decided to do something with the songs Iv'e been working on in church. Im having to start over, start with an empty chalk board. I have an understanding of song form and chords.. The exploration in lyric writing is beginning. Real story telling lyrics is not easy for me. Iv'e decided to make many poem drafts until Iv'e found the words Im looking for. Its all a very good lessons.

Learning to understand: PTSD is the cause, not people. When I get triggered I blame, I attack!

The land is full of monkeys. Its about control issues. Who will be in control, who will maneuver the other guy first.

Its all to more,

Im getting a better understanding of my condition

by **OMNICELL** on Thu May 24, 2012 3:52 pm

As I get stronger, meaning, this mind returning to the outside world; whats left of it!, I understand the world Im experimenting with. I know its a world that kills children, sends innocent young people to the battle fields to die,. Its a place of disrespect, tragedy, abandonment, rape, murder,hatred, in all its forms.
'
I live in a land of stupidity and hate. Iv'e never seen such hate toward the innocent as I have in my own country. Its beyond me.

Im finally dealing with it and coming through; through the nightmare back to day time. Or, Im willing to open the door a bit and look around.

Immaturity from others is the great enemy, it is not the armies of the land I fear or the police that police. It is the idiots that have to be policed that are causing such calamity.

A fascist socialistic sociopathic Elitist government is not helping.

The people cannot hide, no help, no safety. The people have no rights! nor real free speech. All is a lie. The whole place is a lie. The whole concept is a lie. Its about money, nothing more. Its about Elitism and the worshiping of others as God idols; People ( the person next to me) is not a God, nor should they be worshiped as such. God is the creator of the Universe and all things. The person in front of me in the check out line did not create the Universe. If HE/SHe did, Prove it! Humans might think they are Gods, it is a lie.

People ( adults), are liars!. They are 4 year olds' paying bills, nothing more. ITs all a ######6 lie. Everything out here is a ######6 lie, its all a big ######6 lie.

The local business man smiles in front of the camera, yet at home, he rapes his children, sending them into mental illness; death by the rope in moms closet,.

"WHat are you going to be when you grow up", " Im going to be God and be worshiped like God, and look for those that think they are Gods, we will worship each other together, we will be one big narcissistic nightmare together"≤≥ Great!, Wonderful!!! What a life!!!

People are imaginative 4 year olds in a fantasy that pay bills, nothing more. The world is made up of 4 year olds, the age never went higher≥ Everything is a lie, Everything is a lie, Everything is a lie except God the creator.

God has my blue print, You don't !!..

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Human beings cannot be trusted, cannot be trusted with anything,., Cannot be trusted at any level. Human being\s cannot be trusted to be human beings, they will take everything they can get; leave me with nothing.

Humans kill there own kind for sport and leave the children fatherless to die on the streets.

How can a decent man want to be apart of this. How can a decent man want to be esteemed in this nightmare. I want to run and hide when Im outside. Just give me a safe place to rome.

Im on my knees to God all day; I live in a jungle full of monkeys that fall from trees.

There will be no peace on the outside, Its an inside job. Peace comes from within!

Its not all about me! Its also about you, helping you, taking care of you!

In God I trust... I don't trust monkeys that fall from trees.

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