OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Jun 07, 2012 10:59 pm

I was hanging out with people that hated me.. I have to make sure in the future how not to do that.

I never knew; its freaky to look back on it now.. I walked into a den of black widows and never knew it. I even tried to rescue some of the black widows. I must have been crazy. They weren't my people. I was out of my league. I was out of my head. I was living in fantasy land. I was legally delusional.

I need to understand what happened and make sure it never happens again. I have to make sure I don't get seduced by money, or big houses or boats or big names again. I really got seduced and caught up in the big name thing. The families with the big names, families that had money. I thought I was worth it. I didn't have anything, and it would be made very clear and very abruptly that I had nothing, and that it was time for me to leave. That my heart had no value, or its love for anyone from these families. it was a horror show for me. I don't ever want that to happen again. I valued myself with someone else's outsides. I cannot allow that to happen again.!

I felt that my worth was weighed in gold. real Gold!, I was a quick entertainment to these high echelons. The real me had no value to anyone. I was the biggest laughing-stalk. I did know I was being made a fool of.

Im going to have to rethink what I judge has important and what is not important. Iv'e learned that high economic are something I don't have, therefore its better to stay away. To many people are turncoats.

I went to each person for friendship. They never sought me out. Not one. I promoted myself. It was never attraction.. Ive learned the difference.

I thought I found nice people. None are nice!.. I have to learn what discernment is...!

Some of these relationships went on for months and years, all false. I was being used, I was being hated at the time and didnt know it.

I will talk it over with my therapist!!

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Jun 05, 2012 4:57 am

Im at that point where Im dealing with disrespectful people; again!. The world has not changed. They fight me like a WW1 fights against its soldiers.. They will give no ground.. Evil never does. Its good vs Evil... Life is this simple.. regardless of the mental conditions I have, the world is still good and evil.. I love the good so much and appreciate it; I hate the evil that much more for its cowards, and Im realizing how hard it is to over throw the evil. The evil and those who practice it care about nothing, especially my boundaries and right of passage.. I have to be aware of this or I get slaughtered. Never give what is valuable to pigs and swine lest they trample me under there feet, turn and tear me to pieces.... Never give what is holy to the dogs..

If you dig a pit, you fall in it; if you break through a wall, a snake bites you. I broke through a wall tonight and I got bit. They were waiting for me. I have to remember, Im a nice person. The evil in the world is waiting for people like me to make a mistake. Most of the evil that I see surrounds the concepts of Envy and strife. Others think they are Gods and can get away with what ever criminal act they fantasies in there minds. When Im surrounded with the type of people I just described in the last few sentences, I find myself bewildered and lost. I find myself surrounded by the enemy. Eyes are on me from every direction. I haven't been willing to look for alternatives. I need to.. Im changing. I need new surroundings. Others don't play fare in some of the places I rome. I have to learn the truth of a thing. I cant change arrogant people, they are to stupid. What am I thinking? Im dissociative, that is part of the problem, Im trying to brake through a wall with snakes on the other side. I will have to recede and look for another wall..

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:15 pm

The world is a strange place,It is not what I thought,It is not what I hoped it would be. It is a mixture of all sorts of smaller granule worlds creeping upward, fighting to get to the top of the food chain.

How subtle people are about defining others,

Mental illness ( a great part of it), is the family system, and greater similar systems out side the family. Dysfunction can occur any place with people/children.

Good people with bad people; it doesn't mix.

Iv'e had such horrible luck with people. I mean horrible!!. Ive been terrorized and treated like I was nothing. . Or a nothing. Very strange to go through. Most of the time, Im dealing with competition, hatred, envy, strife, jealousy. Im dealing with bad people. Thus, God has brought me into there realm that I use them as a sharpening tool for waking up.. Its a brutal process; its working. Extreme problems require extreme measures.

Im learning how to unfreeze around people and move on, or move away. This is very important. Its very important not to fight but to move away.. Its important to learn that Im using the people around me that I get better, Im not involved, nor did I come to this turning place to get married, or be an important popular man; that was never the point. Desperation seeks a remedy. Remedies require procedures. Procedures require involvement.

Im scarred up, ripped up, mean up from the street up!

I never ended up like them. " them' is the family system I came from. As soon as it was able, the family system attempted to consume me, and with violent intent; Takeover. Evil, despicable. Im attempting to learn to get safe surroundings and come back out of the shell.

I was a child when I was real: However, Someone else's house, someone else's money and time and schools. Im not sure how to be this same person independently. I would need my dwelling, money, occupation and still be me. Lots of load trauma in this..
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A portion of the world is made up of mad bad people; Simply, bad people!, these people could care less about me or how I feel or what Im worth; they are in this thing to dominate, control, manipulate .Its all about them and what they can take.

Being around bad people causes mental illness. It contributes greatly to the dysfunction of the damed.

Takers are not thinking, and they are not thinking about me. Takers are sizing me up to see what they can take; if they can take. They want to dominate and be in control, govern. They believe they are the smartest people on earth, and everyone else is stupid-o. Its all quit interesting. These villains are just dumb enough to believe everything about themselves. And, they will apply these thoughts upon me in the outside world if I cant fend them off.

My feelings get trashed as I get terrorized by jealous people. My feelings are not right or wrong; they are!

Inside me is a weak meek person scared to death, depending on the soldier me to take care of the family... No one understands this. Nothing!, and no one wants to... They don't care

The truth is good enough!

The world could care less about the truth...

I need to feel safe around others. Im learning this, practicing this. No one around me can appreciate this.. I feel like Im normal, they are all zombies. A ripped apart normal..

You can be an honest man and it means nothing!, if no status in the receivers eyes, they don't believe. If the receiver worships the world as God, then the only status proof comes through; type of work, economic level, who I know, who I came from, am I famous, how I dress, who I date, what school did you go to... Its all external status.

If the receiver loves and believes God, then , one will see the truth in me. One will value the fact that Im an honest man with a good heart. Because, that is what I am.. ITs an inside job.

To many spoiled people who are extremely...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu May 31, 2012 5:46 pm

Im a 12 year old that wants a Coleman lantern; to go into the woods for the first time and experience new things, the woods, camping.

I am a new creature. The old is Gone, or disappearing. I will resume where I left off.

Im looking at punk names, death names, Goth names, crasher names, Buda, Im looking at cemetery fixtures..

Im looking at the theme for Halloween.

Im looking for the theme for my music direction, costumes, band names. videos.

Ive taken an interest in lyrics.. This is the hardest part, that and dancing. I suppose I can call it dancing, I would call it an intro to dancing, a warm up. I don't know how to dance, I have a few broken moves

Im looking at drum sets to play live, and other equipment. Im looking at story telling in front of the audience.

Im looking at my age.. Im 50 years old. how am I going to pull this off. Ive thought of younger people for the front man work, I can be the creator, yet on stage a more minor player. I don't know. That is what is great about drums, one can hide there.

Im getting stronger. Not strong enough to let go of the therapist. Strong enough to be in the world, and stay out there for awhile.. Yet, its still like being hit with a flame thrower. Im half traumatized when I wake up, the outside world hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know how to fight back yet, in this political world. Its all politics.

I never wanted to come back to this place, this world, its hasn't changed.. Im a bit more intelligent and couscous of who I associate with and what power I give. When to run, when to fight... More running I think is appropriate. Even the cops are sick out here. They could use 12 step meetings more then me.

Im just practicing, meaning, I can mow a few lawns, practice drumming for a few minutes, lift a few weights, go to a meeting, go to the church.. Go to the store.

this is a step up from before... Before, everything was in my head... Now Im a bit more chancy in the outside world... Ive created more safe areas that I can attempt participation. Its a start. Its like walking outside of the mental hospital on my own and finding small things during the day to participate in....

My activities are equal to a 12 year old running at dissociative speed. .. Still, not very strong; little to no relationships. relationships are the king of interaction.. Interaction is the enemy of dissociative Disorder. Interaction is where the damage occurs; Way to much triggering of PTSD... Way to much... Im moving forward. Im moving forward without the old family system. I was never able to handle that emotionally. Im not sure if I will break at some point. I don't know.!

dealing with people is a hazarded business... They can be friendly, they can tear your arms off in a second. Its hard to use the general public as therapeutic mattress. They don't play soft. Most take advantage of what I say, they turn it back on me... I get crucified. The public doesn't care how it treats me.. They are not interested in human beings or human stuff. Its enough to drive someone to hang themselves..

Im not into hanging myself today. Instead of hanging myself I wait, Im not fooled by this lie called society. Im attempting to learn to save myself that I not be eat'n alive.

by **OMNICELL** on Wed May 30, 2012 5:30 am

I was riding home from mens bible study. Well, after the bible study, I played drums at the church. I have a steady gig there, Very cool, perfect for one living in the apartment seen. However, no air conditioning or heat for me. O well, thats the way it goes.

My mind is weak. Very weak. I have heal'd a bit. I push things. Im trying. I'm doing the best I can. My mind was ripped apart long ago and my diagnosis was death. Death to me, a very long time ago. I held on. I held on so long, my therapists were shocked that I was still alive in the state they first worked with me. I was a complete sociopath.. Hmm, thats not true; I was a vampire with a conscious.

Im better now. What does that mean? The child in me wants my parents, wants to go home. What do I tell him. How do I explain to the child in me that I was demoralized and thrown away permanently, for ever. How will the child in me ever trust this worthless world and its people ever again. It wasn't just the family system that destroyed me; rape, murder, abandonment. It was the whole community.

The goal is to get stronger. When Im stronger I carry the rest of me to safe places. Im afraid of what I have to face; my past, its to much for any human to face. The demoralization that occurred in my life is to much for me. Its to sad a thing. My inner self has already been tortured to the point of complete demoralized dissociation, how much more am I expected to deal with... Its been like a prison camp; my life! my mind has no strength; nothing. However, I have strength, Im stronger, I have God. God is carrying me.

People have no idea what it is like to be me. No one asks, no one cares. I get judged. That is all I get. " if he can speak at a 12 step meeting, he should get a job", "who is he, why does he still have problems". I hate this society. I hate it with all of my ######6 passion. I don't hate all the people. I love certain people, people like myself that are real. I ######6 detest the others. I dissociated every-time around the others; those that are so stupid, they think there little world is secure. I do not like over confidence. I would rather be around the people that know the pink elephant is in the room.

I need to find people to talk to that see the pink elephant is in the room. Im around people that deny the pink elephant is in the room when they know and I know the pink elephant is in the room. I want to talk about the pink elephant in the room and dissect its philosophical meanings.

At some point I would like to bring a girl ( women into my life). Getting women is not the problem. Im scared livid of the horror shock of someone rejecting me because of my Psych life style. I don't know what to think. Should I only date Psycho's; those of the Psych world.

If she looks on my computer, will she find the 10;s of thousands of porno sites. 10;s of millions and trillions of porno sites I look at in a one hours time..

My apartment is so messy, I hate washing cloths.

I feel like a big looser to the outside world. Im lucky to be alive, my life has been extended, yet, who in the Normi world will care? Who in the Normi world will appreciate someone like me.

Women like me, they like the way I look. Im scared to death of this. What happens when they find out whats underneath the looks. That Im a freak, I have the maturity of a 12 year old! What then!

I've had Normi's think Im antisocial, they have no idea what is going on. When they find out I have a stunted life style, will they stay with me or run away. I have no future with someone, not financially.

Its all very humiliating and depressing.

My music is coming back to me, I've been practicing, However, Im mad that my original life was taken from me. If I had the ability at an early age to develop, I would have been an actor and play-write. I can still do these things, However, Im mad that my life and talents were destroyed by jealous...

[ Continued ]

Blog 73: relationship consciousness

common sense

BLog 72: A wide world

BLog 71 Transformation

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