OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 26, 2025 4:54 am

What is next;
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I have allot of growing and developing in the real world; as I get closer….
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Im slowly realizing Im back; where I was at a kid; but without the original family or fake friends or neighborhood or schools..
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The question is; what now…
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The most important part of inner self is coming back; signs of part of this deeper damaged area is present. My God; Now what do I do! I have half the strength or much less but Im here. And now; what direction from here. And getting severally triggered right now.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 25, 2025 11:40 am

Im an awkward person…
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Im back to dealing with this in the outside world; Im looking for ways to have success in life… What techniques do I need to use in my life to survive as an awkward person.
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And I use this concept of success; Im impression’d to have success… Im confident about my direction of being my self and getting the know myself and finding the right angles and directions that help me survive with being an Awkward.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Sep 25, 2025 11:22 am

Being an awkward person;
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So; Im starting to get to a point; The idea of God; where God is helping me; is where I learn as I am; to learn life skills; To learn social skills as an awkward person. Im on my own to turn to God and work with God for help….
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Why is this important…
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Whats important about this; I wont have anyone from the past with me… This is important because I was lied to or abandon by these false acting people when young. I needed them socially to survive. I needed them because I was an awkward person.
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Strength in numbers…. I needed different people to depend on socially. It means; Its like Im blind and they are holding me and keeping me up and helping me across the street where I cant see… They are like brothers and sisters that are helping me…. Taking care of me; keeping me safe from society; inner society where Im safe; like coming from a big big house or mansion or castle where I can hide in the castle at different layers that keep me safe.
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When young; I depended on these people; I went out as a very young boy and found them and became friends with them.. and ended up at their homes… Unfortunately for me; I was used. None of these people took me seriously. They were never the friends I thought they were. In fact; I found out later; they were never friends of mine at all; I just thought they were; or I was led on thinking they were my friends; when in reality; they had alternative motives.
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I felt OK when I was around them. Meaning; I felt better; like having extended family.
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These origional family system I came from; not a family; they lied also; their were no real relatives; no real anything; they were not our friends and others were monsters who hurt children…
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As a child; I certainly didn’t know this; I was being completely fooled. To Bad… No future in those places… So; ….
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Here I am now; Im now heading forward again; but I have no one from my past; what does this mean; I means I have to turn toward God for the help I need… And then God takes my hand and the Universe takes my hands… and brings the right people and places and things and start over out in the world land…
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This time I learn how to go back out in the world not alone; but alone from the past…
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I thought I had high quality friends from the past; but in reality; these were sociopaths probably. I was being fooled. The ones I thought were close; including anyone from the family system I came from; their was no safety there; but I did not know that. I had no safety through any of it at any angle. I was around sycophants and didn’t know it.
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What God has for me now?
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I am starting over and awake; much like when I was a child; with the same anxiety disorder… but Im awake and starting over again socially just like when I was a child.
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This time Im free of the past; free of the shame, remorse, resentments and expectations of the past; I see the whole picture; the bigger picture I need to see; I was trapped in a war with no way out until I got out. There would be no success in that past life except escape… that would be the only really sane thing I would hope to become aware of; And that was an angle God continued to impress upon me even from a very young age; I simply did not understand until later; I found myself in vast situations to escape… thats all that was on my mind…
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I was escaping from a world that had no future in it. God seemed to know what was going on; I did not; I was only being given hints. Now I understand the bigger picture. I was never around friends.
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SO; Here I am now…
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It is truly a bloody miracle to tell you Im starting over.
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Ive made some social success survival within the 12 step groups Ive attended… This means; Ive created a cushing network where I feel safe from the outside world… Much like Im a castle; deep within the castle walls…
Because of this...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Sep 24, 2025 11:28 pm

Relationships; The next factor… The next set of procedures…
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Heres the deal; Im in a change and gap. My maturity does not go beyond where Im at. I need a few more years of experience in order to have the confidence and directions to have a girlfriend.
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I need all new earned experiences; meaning; courage that develops new experiences… and Id have to have support.
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Im truly at an unknown stopping point or beginning starting point. I feel like a 13 year old who doesn’t no anymore then a 13 year old. I know no more then this… I really do not… However; I desire an outcome or later desirable goal.
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Im like a boy who has never had a girlfriend; Where do I start! Im in that spectrum as an adult.
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Im an adult man really looking for or asking God to attract to me; I first girlfriend of this quality; Ive never had one at this quality; meaning the right women for a relationship.
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So; Im preparing with Gods help to go through this Gap of development; If making it through this Gap; I will be prepared for the kind of girlfriend God has in-mind for me; Im at this place. This starting place into this gap; learning new development… Its literally all new to me.
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In my past; I never had a family or friends or neighborhood or anyone on my side to learn anything… it never happened; Now; Im asking God for help for this to happen.
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So; That's my first objective here; as for moving forward with the development concerning relationships. I guess????
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Ill talk to God more n more about where to start here. And what to do and what to do next; Amen. Ill talk to the Universe and wait for a message…
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by **OMNICELL** on Wed Sep 24, 2025 11:06 pm

First therapy session in many many years…
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Findings; I still have dissociative disorder; its alive and well; the base core of it.. Nothing has changed; but; everything has changed. All the areas within self that can change; emotional spiritual attitude… and much development in the areas of relational and activity; all of this has drastically changed. However; other areas of self protection that cause me to be anti social remain; However; its all countered with a new recovery person deep inside..
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The recovery person is wanting to move forward face things with help and not run. And I believe Im showing this… and that is fantastic…
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I still have my problems
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Note; When at the meetings I notice something interesting. Many people complaining about many outside events that hinder their progress…
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However; when I speak; I suggest for myself; No one now is to blame for my forward progress; all issues come from inside me and nowhere else. So; set forth the goal; get support; work with God and success based thinking processes… Get personal support to go with general recovery support; such as therapists councilors and sponsors… And pray meditate; work with laws of attraction and begin the process or continuation of creating attraction before it gets here.. Write stories as if I already have what I want. And then watch the quantum shifts occur before me…
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And setting forth my goals;
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Began to work with God on step by step work heading toward my goals; and report in with sponsors and therapists.
Report in within meetings…
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Im getting to the point that all I need the meetings for is to show up for support… thats about all I need…
However; not yet; Im still working out fears; so; I still need the support. However; I am heading toward my goals.
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As for ACTIVITIES; COMPLETE>>….
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Ive completed a complete round of activities skills that would represent a normal persons work day; Ive been able to accomplish this one skill at a time… Now; putting all those skills together; Ive done it.
However; the subject God picked for me to practice this in the real world; This is personal. Im not working a real job or anything… However; for the first time; I have completed the ability to begin learning these skills and accepting where Im at; out in the real world; its means; Im functioning again; altho at basic levels independently.
I do not have any other skills that need to be required now for this general solid basic task of claiming that I can function at rudimentary levels outside at a specific activity task. It doesn’t mean Im any good at it; it just means I can make a decision; step outside and participate in a task of skills and complete the process; However crudely; But it is done… The only thing stopping me would be the discipline to accomplish something; and that does not require therapy or 12 step work.. That is something I would decide on and begin to work on.
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I don’t care what the task. Ive accomplished the basic building blocks of taking on a task; so; it matters not; I have the ability to attempt a task outside and stick to it and accept it; at basic levels; this means; Im functioning again outside…
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The point of this; concerning Activities; My mental illness kept me from functioning in reality and certainly outside at anything; Ive been locked in my own dream world….. So; Ive had to work for a third of my life for any of this to open up; one piece at a time… And Now; Ill move on to what remains in relationship work…
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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Ive started with relearning how to talk to people at face level again; This was 15 years ago or more… slowly practicing.
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I had to study communications, sales, dating processes… Anything I could on how to approach and talk to someone.
I started practicing years and years ago.
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I had to work through past resentments around relationships; And I have...

[ Continued ]

What is next

Im an awkward person…

Being an awkward person;

Relationships; The next factor…

First therapy session in many many years…

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