OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Aug 27, 2012 7:47 am

I have to say good by to this small child that I adore.... At some-point her drug addict mother will give her away....

If you want to see real sociopaths at work... Hang out at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and watch an adorable little girl get tortured through neglect by her drug addict father... Then watch him sign the papers to give her way to the state... watch the drug addict mother pick another monster from the meetings to hang with that will freakout and stun/shock this little tiny helpless sensitive girl. Its very hard to watch a child slowly die... Im watching the behavior changes everyday... The screaming, the sadness, the confusion... the withdrawing... The rampant dashes back and fourth... This tiny little girl nows she is being destroyed and abandon... she knows she will be thrown away by the mother at some point...

The mother is an actress... At some-point she will sign the papers and give the baby to the state... This little girl is about 2 years old... She is a sensitive little girl... A sweet little girl.. A little girl that has no future.. .Only sorrow and misery and death a head for her... I predict she kills herself by the time she is 14.....

At 2 years old she has seen and been through as much as someone in combat..... being takn to the drug mans houses day after day after day for the fathers dope... Who knows how he treated her... With complete contempt as she is a sweet example of Gods work and Gods love shining through her...

I would adopt this little girl. I would.. I loved her the minute I saw her.. I want to put my arms around her and never ever let go... Ever... This wont be happening... not in the real world...

I take all of this to God and ask Why I was born... What is the point... To wake up to more if it.. more of the poverty that besets the world... I am to witness it, yet, I am not allowed to meander in it.. As I am still healing....

I must be like the sociopath and say good by to her.. Leaving her to doom and no chance at this life.. I have no trust God... I have to turn to God... As a man it is a very confusing time....

It will do me no good to have a life of leisure or pleasure... No such thing would bring happiness. If I knew the children of this world were safe and felt hope... That would bring peace to me... Until that time I will continue to mistrust this world and every moment of its lies...

I will pray for this little girl that I wanted to make my own... I will pray for her until God takes her memory from me...

I feel like I abandon her to her death....

I have prayed seamlessly fro months about this... Only to have God remind me of the reality of things... That the world is as it is.. And I am just a small cog in it...

I may watch a thing, I do not have the power to control a thing...

I hate God, I love God.. I have God like an iron lung..

I do not feel like escaping through death like before... I do not know what to do except to keep praying... Why am I here.....

God let me know today that I am to stay far far away from this situation... That the people involved are not safe.... I would do no good for me to entangle myself in it... I am useless ...... Powerless.

God is allowing me to know that I may learn many things from the world, yet, do not be apart of or I will parish... I simply observe and learn.. I am not allowed to cross the line into the jungle... As I have been there before and I never returned the last time.. God had to lift my dead destroyed body out of the horror and bring it back to life.... I know I cannot go back, even if a small child will be taken to that jungle and consumed. Even if I know of it and have to watch it...

I shall pray for this little girl until I forget.....

may this little girl forgive me... I saw her..

What is a mans worth?

what is a mans worth?

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Aug 25, 2012 6:02 am

Lost

Developmental stage anxiety... Who is safe to work with.... I see a therapist once a month... Thats not enough to grow forward from age 6 through 14..... I will have to study how to work on more developmental aging...

Im needing to make the jump from inside person to outside self actualization person... This is a whole leap in itself..

People Im associating with will not help me with it... They are being a B@tch.... They know Im trying to move through them... They wont help connect or grow.... Where do I go...

Im tired of being deceived by people. I will keep praying and forgiving and moving forward..

An example of the above would be: I hip hop dance in the merrier, I like to make music... so,,
I create a DJ thing with my own music and play for a dance while Im singing my own electronics songs dancing to them; in front of the audience...

The developmental issues are killing me... I cant move, cant budge... The growth I need has to come from someone or somewhere else... Im needing connection with others that understand...

This change will be very immature in view... Im not looking forward to the truth of how I really am, really look and how feeble I will act.. It is coming about slowly... Im very very lonely right now... No one is with me or on my side on this, as most people don't know me well enough to understand what support is....

This is possible...... I need the connection with others... I have to reach out connect, and reach back.... Reached by a thousand hands... So many people have spit on me and shunned me.... Its crazy.... I have God.. ITs about my thoughts and how they change to hope... Hope comes from change in the real world, that comes from changing my behavior... Im not sure how to do that, or what direction to start in.... What step.... I will have to trust God and keep working through this...

Im not at the beginning yet, Im still on the other side of the wall... I have not been able to walk through the mirror into wonderland; not yet... That is an idea Im attempting to believe.

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Aug 01, 2012 4:34 am

I would ask that those who pray please help me. In my meetings is a beautiful little blond girl. she is 2 or 3. She is being tortured through neglect. Specifically from her father. He is a cruel man. I have witnessed his neglect towards her. It is a horrible form of torture. It is killing this little girl. She is exhausted from the fear and confusion of being thrown away. When she screams out one can hear the longing for attention that does not exist, the death throws of a soul so scared and innocent and all alone. The mother has shared that she dies as the child is dying every-time the child screams out for love. The mother hears what I have been hearing and does not know what to do. The father is ruthless in his approach of none movement towards this little girl. He is a sociopath, no question about it. He will not be changing. Its horrible not to save her.. to see her destroyed as a sacrifice of selfishness.

I love this little girl. I no nothing.. and I have no understanding of how to help. I pray and die when I think about her and that I a grown man can do nothing for her. I am nothing in the mothers eyes. I have no influence. I cant sleep at night when I hear this little girls voice whisper in my heart for someone to help her and save her and take care of her. Please pray for this little girl. I don't want her to live a life of pain as so many on this site understand. I don't want her to die...

I must let go and trust God. I pray that I can become closer to God. I am surrounded by unbelievable people. Its like the whole of this earth is populated by half sociopathic tribes.

If you can.. If you see it in your heart. Please pray for her...

Thanks..

Omnicell...

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:07 pm

PArts of me Im remembering! The younger is coming out now that I believe the coast is clear. I could never hide, my mind died. I was overwhelmed much like the guys in world war 1. There was no place to hide in the later world I lived in.

I am slowly healing, thats the best way to put it. Parts of me I remember were healthy and could cope with the surroundings independently; as a kid. Im remembering some parts of my childhood again. There is a natural part of me that is coming back to my subconscious. This recognition of self is unseen but felt. Meaning, Im getting healthier slowly and I don't know why...Another great thing is my memories of the early me, they are bypassing memories of the teenage me when I was hurt. It hurts for all of these new memories to unfold in my head. Its very difficult situation to deal with. Horror memories that have to be dealt with. What is amazing; the protector alter is bringing me out. Im not sure who the alter is in me that runs everything. I mean, I know who it is, Im not sure if it is a fragment of my original self or just a protector alter. Im not sure.

Boundaries are naturally coming back; fragmented like a ghost; and less people pleasing. Im doing a bit better around people. Much better dissociative speaking. However, Im still unable to cope with or be around people , specifically, getting to physically close to people. Every year Im closer. sometimes yards, sometimes inches. I don't know. Its up to God, Im not in control.

lately Iv'e learned that if I want to talk to someone I have to not stare at them. Instead, have a script and say hello... Im afraid of most people, as I can see through them and I know they are not safe... I need to practice. It starts with my conversation DVDs, thats the best place to start. I use to write down jokes, I will continue to do so..

Because of the PTSD, I am paranoid, and all people fair the same to me. No one is safe. Iv'e recognized this.

Im a musician who doesn't know any songs. I know no ones songs. I just create random stuff. the problem with this is: I don't have anything to sing if I want to perform. So,. Im going to get out my guitar and start writing and singing... I don't want to. Its to hard to learn and memories the words. Its such a tiring exhausting b@tch. The real fear for me is from the memories. Its the PTSD playing itself out at the same time Im attempting to build a song. Its me at 8 or 11 or 12 or 13 years old. The me I wished had had a chance; Instead its betrayal, permanent abandonment, rape, hopelessness, multiple personalities. Death, horrible war like forsaken sadness. The rope would be the only answer if I had not switched over and over into other people. So playing that guitar is triggering things just talking about it. Yet, its great, because it is freeing. Its interesting how God brings things up from the ground that I adapt. In the end I get better and learn to face more about myself. Still, it feels like Satanville.

Its possible I will start with others songs, learn them, perform them.. Its f@cking @itch for me regardless. I don't know what the big deal is, except its about putting myself out around the public, and the hard work to break in. Meaning all that work just to learn one song. Im spoiled to death I guess. Im so use to being creative with out the effort to have to stop. If I want what I want, I have to write songs, I have to make lyrics, I have to learn other peoples songs. theres no way around it. And this to me is the worst f@cking nightmare b@tch of all time. All trauma is rapped up in those formative years that I would have been creating with a guitar and song writing. I will be a f@cking nut-bar before all of this is over with.

Women:

At some point I will invite them into my life. Im still looking at ways to clean up. Make myself different, hopping they wont see the sick me.. What the F@ck. I know this wont work. I will have to keep growing,...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Jul 14, 2012 4:28 pm

In about 6 months I will be better. Dissociation and Stress levels are the biggest mind bender away from reality; all CPTSD based. Im a fairly lucky guy, as the symptoms from this anxiety based disorder go down, my head clears and I can feel again. I could feel nothing a few years ago. I was a sociopath from all of my conditions a few years ago. I could not remember anything a few years ago. That was a few years ago, this is now. I was under the sea of reality a few years ago. Im walking on the beach these days. Im stumbling around in the sun and sand trying to understand all of this. The last thing I remember I was watching Giligans Island on TV; not the reruns, the original series. Same for the Star Trek and Flipper. Now Im here. What happened. I got robbed of my life. Im extremely fortunate or lucky to have come back. I still have 30 years left.

I have the full condition; its not fully in my conscious mind. That is an amazing thing. I can feel it in my subconscious, I can feel it all over my body; in my nervous system. My mind is a 10th strength wise of the average person. Just a few trauma blows and Im out. Everything slows down and I become autistic in nature; I have to dissociate to survive. I cant think, I have to be led. I cannot function for myself. Its like being controlled in a nazi prison camp.

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The people around me have called me a lier, no good, selfish user, living of everything from cantaloupes to the state agencies. Ive been humiliated, spat on , attacked, crucified; all because I am myself. And this is after SSI... I know that in a few years I will no longer care what other people think. I will be myself with this Stress disorder; hopefully it will never get out of hand from trauma shells like before. I hope that doesn't happen again. Im older now and now some things. Before I was an abused innocent unkowning terrified kid who was about to loose his life. I didn't know what to do. I had no support of any kind from the beginning. The only thing I had was my wits and my fantasy bond; this would not be enough; for children are not suppose to be slain by the system they live in. Im an American citizen and I was disrespected and destroyed by my own people, my own family system; thrown away by others, ridiculed abused and thrown out. In a state of severe trauma; after being raped, terrorized, debased, physically assaulted and groomed and abandon, my mind went out on me and did not return. No one asked a question about my life or my condition. I had no value of any kind to anyone.. What bothers me; the poor children that come after me that will experience the same thing. What do they have to look forward to; the rope! They will not survive it.

In a few years I will be married. As for work. Hmm. I doubt it. Not in this work based system. I am learning to live again and express myself at some things. Telescopes, drums, mountain biking. Im Ok with stuff that expresses out; things that relieve the condition. As soon as a wall goes up and I cant express myself Im through. I have to leave. I have no staying power, the anxiety levels shoot through the roof.

More and more I will get rid of people from my presence that don't count and concentrate on my wider interests of practice. All is practice.

Forgiveness is still important as well as resentment work; I use the 4th step from 12 step groups to help with that.
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I pray for all the people that have killed themselves; all that were thrown away from society. All that were thrown away from the people of there societies. Those did nothing to anyone, they were just born at the wrong time in the wrong space. Poor people. I know what its like when ones life is over. It is a grueling nightmare. The worst of sadness.

To send children to the rope is an act of organized murder by the people of that society. When one 15 year old hangs themselves because they've...

[ Continued ]

love 2: what you will see whey you wake up!

The move forward

love

85: small parts of me returning for survival

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