OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Sep 22, 2025 11:07 am

Working with Dissociative disorder is the main key;
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For most years; and most of the time in the recovery process; most of the time; Ive been working with or on Dissociative disorder; Depression Agoraphobia, Avoidant personality disorder; Longer term PTSD CPTSD…
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I did use drugs in high school; this lasted for about 4 years; I ended up with psychosis and stopped; later in my 20’s I started drinking; In my late 20’s I stopped; I was forced because I could not stop drinking… However; I ended up in the Nuthouse for PTSD reasons; And ended up in the recovery meetings… And this basically stopped all alcohol consumption. I learned from my ignorant perspective; I learned about alcohol and drugs and how dangerous it is to get involved or stay involved; I learned; I got out of it; My whole results of using drugs n alcohol was to escape; I was looking for relief for untreated severe mental health problems…
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And thats what got me involved in 12 step meetings; It didn’t click at first; I took about 6 months after my first meeting. However; later I started going and it caught on. That was about 30 years ago. Through most of this I was dealing mental health problems that will get more severe and worse; to a point; Im basically schizophrenic like. Meaning; totally disabled.
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Here N Now;
Im still Disabled. However; something wonderful has happened; In the attitude department; in the spiritual department; things have changed; In the Hope department; things have changed. Im interested in setting goals; In setting goals and working with a higher power; Universe; Sunny Jesus; The Holy Spiritus of the universe; Things have changed… Im seeing changes; positive changes…
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Im still extremely triggered from massive PTSD.. My deeper inner self is never present; Its from a war like condition of the past.. And Im in that war zone; Im like a guy that was in WW1; out in the battle field and the bombs 2 many times.. I never left it.. My inner self is always on alert from the past.
So; the prognosis is; Ill be disabled for the rest of my life; And I am. Nothing has changed from within. Well; thats not true; but that base of who I am has not changed; it remains; I remain ruptured and on high alert from within. And generally; I feel; the general victim of this will never function again….
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However; And then; Theirs me; SMILE!
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Because; not only the shrinks and therapists and psychologists and nut meds; All the years of theropy; I also; spent years in the recovery meetings…
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For someone almost completely disconnected from life and society; These meetings helped… I didn’t feel anything when I first started; I was not present… Within the years I started to wake up; it wasnt easy and the meetings were not safe; Anyone can come n go from the meetings; Lot of criminals at times and so one… narcissists and so one.. sociopath and at times stalkers… brain damaged people.
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At some point; I start opening up more n more; and I study how to open up again to people. My condition is much like someone who had a stroke. Ive had to relearn everything concerning the outside world… And I continue to learn from this day…
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God led me to start studying success based thinking processes; How to be a winner and how to Think and grow rich; This kind of thinking; I started this about 11-12 years ago; I really got hooked on it and never stopped; I still use it today all the time… I love this way of thinking; The law of attraction; manifestation and so on… believing Ill get something because I believe it before it shows up and so on… I write allot of stories about what I want before they show up….
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So; Here I am now….
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And where am I at right now;
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I have a good attitude… I believe; I have hope….
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This hope leads me on… I have a belief in my higher powers help and protection…..
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I have massive hope for my future; it just keeps ge...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Sep 21, 2025 10:00 pm

emotional independence; don’t expect anything in return…
I can feel good about myself regardless of what others think about me….
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Owning my own words; owning my own behavior and my energy and body language without appologizing for it.
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While noticing and responding to her subtle flirting cues…
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Writing about all of this triggering everything; dissociative disorder. All of it…
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Interactive stuff with women… I can feel it.. Its putting my knocking me out… passing out..
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This up close personal stuff.
Sexual abuse is part of the problem.
Flirt while displaying attractive behaviors….
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If Im feeling confident in an attractive way; it will work better.
Its more about how I say it; whats behind it… This is where I have problems… Dissociative disorder.
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Say this; So where are you taking me on our first date…
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Slowly opened up to a young women; much younger them me; Im an old man; so everyone is younger then me.
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Attractive women; I opened up to her and her to me; flirtish talking and inner dialog of some depth and curiosity langquage; good conversation. Im practicing; Im purposely bringing things up like; Im working on relationship stuff; Can I talk to you about it; And she says; Sure! And their it is.
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However; This person has a boyfriend; and the conversation somehow Got stopped.
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The fact she has a boyfriend; ( She is someone who I think took interest in me a few years ago); I think she was thinking about it. But I could never get close to her or anyone else. Now; that is changed.
So; Im starting to use the techniques Im learning on building attraction and interest in someone; building it toward me… and its working; Assuming the other person has some attraction. And this is good.
However; The conversations only go so far; So far! I am practicing.
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NOTE; She has a boyfriend; What this means to me. Well; Heres the deal; I start out conversating with people in general as I did with her; The needs to change at sometime working with God as I gain more confidence. The pathway must turn toward places of single people. And Im really not ready for that yet.
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Im just barely getting a small small hold on reality.
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Confidence in the real world is needed and I must work with God to get more development. Talking to women is a great great idea and what Im looking for.
Ill pray about it; For that is the corner stone of what Im talking about.
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NoTE; This women I talked to; Ive talked with her before a few times the last couple of months; She is someone I secretly liked and wanted to go out with. I was attracted to her. What does this mean; It means; my confidence is starting to show up or get me around women I was more inline with and interested in… and this is an example. This is Good Good Good; For practice.
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Ill now ask God for many many many more opportunities for practice with the intent of it building my social skills and intimate conversation skills; That means getting into really deep meaningful conversations with women where Im really feeling it and letting my self go so I can be me around women. And there it is.
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The word practice is what comes to mind here under God; lots n lots of practice with women;
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At some point when feeling better about myself; Id like to graduate to single women; and then the idea of single women I would be interested in. But I can hardly handle that idea. Amen.
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by **OMNICELL** on Sun Sep 21, 2025 4:06 pm

It will get to a point of talking to women and getting to know them; new women; interacting with women… until a point of asking them out… I have to be BACK IN With society First. And thus; I have to. I have to become who I become. I must become kind of popular first with general population.
That must come first before I get closer to the women within this Large Tribe..
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And that is the goal….
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Its a simple goal Im heading toward; Ill be social again and deal within it… Ill have to want to take advantage of opportunities regardless of what they are… Ill have to appreciate the situations.
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I have to break through into another open phase… This PHASE; working through it; Getting to the other side of this anxiety disorder… That is the starting goal…..
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BEING A VICTIM;
Its easy to see everything as a victim; and I will express this; but this way of thinking will not be involved in my success interests concerning relationships. I will focus on success of my objective Period.
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Being a victim information is important to work on and express; but it has no place in the battlefield of my objectives…
I am simply going after my objective; my goal; and I want to know how I can do this… Im not interested in what happened in the past; Im interest in the present plan to get ahead for my objective.
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Im not interested in blaming my lack of skills to my goals; Im not interested in blaming “ Blame” for the reason I didn’t effort toward my goal… Im not stopping my effort toward the successful plans for my goals because of what happened to me in the past; because I was a victim. These are 2 different aspects of life.
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The point is; I do get triggered like crazy and over whelmed because of dissociative disorder… in facing what I have to face.
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And this brings up a good point; Its not something or someone from the past that is the problem of my lack of success in relationships.
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First; this is about myself right now meeting new people and then meeting the right people.
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I have to learn how to be successful when dealing with people in the here n now. And Ill have to accept myself within this new social era… As I am.
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I have allot of chance taking to learn about; how to comprehend and be part of… And Ill have to learn how to negotiate myself within this and stay positive and hopeful and head toward my goals regardless. And that is about Pride and not the past…
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Ill have to learn to accept this reality and learn to participate and feel good about myself while going through it…
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I have allot of work to do in this present situation.
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by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 19, 2025 10:04 pm

Getting help with relationships…
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So; Im going to get outside help for relationships. I looked through the 12 step guide… and found the areas on resentment work; And I found questions concerning relationships and expectations… and resentments; Im sick; really sick; this is an area stemming from being broken and abandon by my parents; I continue to seek my parents…
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I consider seeking my past life and parents and my past life in everything and everyone I meet… So; Im like a small child.. and everyone must take care of me.. I don’t or cant take care of myself; Im not able to get past the PTSD; it takes over my mind… and Im blind and must seek others…
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So… I Am getting help.
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When I give others this much power they take advantage of me. I literally am giving myself to strangers because they appear on the outside OK.
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Im looking for a place to hide; to hide in them or relief because I don’t have a family; so they play me knowing I have nothing…
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So; Im going for help to learn how to get over all of this and stop being a victim and learn to meet some decent people… or more importantly; meet the right people and not the wrong ones; and if I meet the wrong ones; Ill know how to handle this…
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To many people in the wrong place; Im trusting. I fall for it without a thought. I just assume the person is a nice person and they respect me and their on my side; only to find out later; they were never interested in me; Im just an easy mark…
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Heres the deal; I just want to move on… not bother with a person like this; Just move on stay away from people like this.

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Sep 19, 2025 6:14 pm

The goal is Social…
My social ability has to come back; I have to be confident and present and accept my lot so I can start out…
If I am to be in relationships.
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Relationships come at the point of rich insertion into society; where Im in the deep web of society inner fabrical; a fabric I climb on and through like a Jungle gym….
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How do I get back there; that is a good question…?
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I have to get back there… So; I get new experiences… and bi pass the old PTSD issues somehow; that flood my brain.
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I have to create a new idea of what I want to do and be and build that; slowly allowing that to over power the past. And I think that is happening; altho not over powered the social ends of some things;
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Im scared and vulnerable and this is a defeat zone I have no confidence in. So; I must work with God in some kind of preparation period; or development first. I must become on the other side of where I am hurt.
Ill keep working on it…
changing my thinking about it.
Im look for those who appreciate me. I guess… Im looking for those that are looking for me under God.
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I had an experience the other day; a women; younger then me; but older; pretty; She appreciated the music I was making on the piano… She appreciated me.
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SO; it can happen; people who appreciate me… I guess.
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Im scared because I don’t have a house to go with it. That scares me more then anything; not being enough.
I think the answer is to keep communicating this; it; keep communicating about it; put it out on the table until it has no more power… thats where this starts; and this does truly hurt; hurt to bring this up.
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I have allot of lies about my past; meaning; I didn’t do all the things or have all the power I claim to have; actually I havent done anything. I don’t know why I have to lie about it in front of others.. That doesn’t make any sense. I have to learn to tell the truth and not be scared of it. But I am. Its absolutely horrible…
So; sexual abuse and the demoralization of such things I involved in this. So; I have to learn how. I will work with God on this; Amen.

Working with Dissociative disorder is the main key;

emotional independence; don’t expect anything in return…

I have to be BACK IN With society First

Getting help with relationships…

The goal is Social…

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