September 2025
August 2025
Im starting to see a specific…
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GO AFTER WHAT I WANT AND BELEIVE...
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Im afraid of success…. And being part of it…
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Its easier not to get involved or take chances or even worse; be involved…
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Im scared to death of not being enough…
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I have to work with God to be myself; and not someone else regardless. I have to learn to be outgoing about what Im not; and be totally open about it…. I have to have real courage from the start about what Im not; and who I am. So; in front of women; Im just myself as is… I have to practice this; practice feeling good and safe around women; being myself; where women are something Im not afraid of.
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So; I have a goal; its feeling natural and safe around women because of who I am not them; Nothing is more scarier for me then being around women. Its about feeling like Im 11 years old.
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As I gain more confidence out in the real world; Im shy and timid and scared and shy. And I feel intimidated around women; I feel like a 6 year old…
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I want the ability not to go into freeze mode around women; and work with God to find the right women I feel safe around…
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However; this is all on me… Its my inside self; I need to be familied and loved again… and grown. So; Ill work with God on this; Ill work with God and ask God for the direction to get back in correct line with God and society so I can be around women again; Learning first to feel safe and to come responsible for this part of my life; Amen.
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Interacting up close with women is the goal… Getting and meeting the right women; Asking out women; setting things up correctly…
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Just; Getting this part of my life down…
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With in this realm is the nature of the abuse I went through.
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THE GOALS
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I want a girlfriend…
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That is the goal…
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HERE IS THE DEAL;
The goal is to get worked up through experience and confidence for this objective… That gets me right up to the port of interaction with new people socially.
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We are talking about becoming social; that is the problem; It is not women; that are the problem; the problem is; Women are impeded within the fabric of social experiences in society.
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This is more about becoming present in social groups; possibly smaller groups of 20-60 people; small cultural environments…
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I have to learn how to function in those situations; and with women.
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My personality and nervous system are disabled around others. I shut down shut off; I go defensive; I go into freeze mode or fawn mode to get out of things; I do not face people or things…. This has to do with social in general.
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I care way to much about what others think of me or may think of me; within people. I have to learn how to be around people and keep my value; I cant say this any better then this; This is my #1 Goal to start with; This must be mastered.
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I have a tendency to immidiately want to go into my past and ruminate; I do this because Im scared to death of success and the responsibility it would create; I Think!
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I know this; Its all social; Its about becoming present enough to understand; Ive got problems social close up with people. This is because of past abuse and my present condition because of it.
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So; Im slowly getting there; Im slowly accepting the reality that I have a goal; and that goal is social and how I interact with it; and how I feel about myself socially.
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The goal is to learn to stand up for myself around others… Stay myself; fight to be myself; and get away from those who will not. Its about not freezing up when I start getting stress attact from the past.
Technically Im not done with the the systems of the past; Im still the same person; Nothing has changed; Ive got disabling problems from the past.
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The point is; Im getting close; close to the acceptance and understanding that its about becoming present and social.
Its about becoming present with a social goal...in the present and dealing with all the obsticals involved in all of this… Those things out in front of me.
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This is not about getting triggered by people so I can ruminate on what happened to me in the past; IT making sure the buck stops here in the present and my mind stays on its objectives.
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So; Its means becoming strong in social goals; in social situations; where Im myself.
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The bigger picture in the present; Not hanging on to resentments about what others should have done for me in the past; Instead; I valuate where Im at in the present and go forward to learn new skills toward my social objectives; STAY IN THE PRESENT! STAY IN THE PRESENT: ADAPT UNTIL I SUCCEED MY GOALS>>
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This takes me back to my parents house; I was working on this stuff as a kid in the backyard; ages 5 on up.. through the beginning of grade school.
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I started having problems in the first grade; actually nursery school and kindergarten. I felt I was just not around the right people for my intelligence and sensitivities…
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And I still don’t; today; instead of giving up; Ill have to work on solutions that benefit me; Under Gods care.
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I pick a goal and start working toward it; and I have. I make a decision; I then work with God to become what im trying to attract; Im back; Im back socially to meet people and be sincere about it.
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I did something important and different this last meeting; I was closer telling the truth about relationships.
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I told them I was jelouse of the type of relationships they have; I was mad I didn’t have those things… or have relationships like that.
I told them; instead of being a victim about it; Ill work toward what I want…
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Dissociative Disorder; still rules my life; completely destroyed my Love life; I cannot get close to anyone; but that Im working with God on.
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SO;
WHAT IS THE GOAL?
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The goal is; To decide what I want; and regardless of my mental problems; go after it; Meaning; I have depression; a reality of this condition; meaning; I have negative thoughts that control me.
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Well; I don’t get to have this; meaning; as an excuse. I don’t get excuses when Im goin after a goal.
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I cant say it any better….
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Ive been destroyed and broken in life by bad people; Now; Im heading back into society with people. So; that is the problem…
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The problem is learned helplessness and being put down many times.. I stopped believing.
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I have allot of excuses of why I want be part of something or cant be part of it…
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All of these excuses are righteous resentments; but they are resentments…
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I have sadness and resentments because of what happened when younger.. I was destroyed and gotten rid of as if I had never been born and wasnt a human being.
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Heres the deal; All of this is true; Fair enough… may be true; fine enough…
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However;
Im heading toward a goal under God and that is the objective…
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So; I have 2 people in me and they appose each other; One is the past person who is damage; The new is the recovery person who only listens to God. 2 different philosophies…
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For the goal oriented recovery person; He has to believe in what he wants and have faith; faith in man; faith in the future with a positive outcome… He has to not only believe in the objective But the philosophies around it; a general positive view that everything will work out.. Its kind of a slap in the face of reality; its suggesting a positive view of things whether realistic or not…
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Im having to believe in a positive outlook and attitude… regardless of what is actually going on, on the ground level of the world…
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Its kind of like a war; And I have to take a side and believe Im going to win… really believe it; when I don’t really have anything else accept Belief…
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And this concept is so important; to BELIEVE.
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In fact; that may be what I needed to hear to tonight. Regardless; I have to believe; and believe in my future regardless… Regardless of what happens or has happened in reality on earth in the present…
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So; its about going after what I want because I believe; with no other realistic information… Im simply going after what I want… Believing.
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God helps me with this belief; God is the Master of this strategy to live…
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The key to my future is to BELIEVE.
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And I will thus begin to imagine and with that; when I come up with an idea in my imagination; I will see how it feels; what I want and then talk to God about what I want; what I want to believe; and I will go out in the world and watch the world change around me as it gets inline with my imagination of believing…
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So; Ill be living according to what I believe; That I pick goals and learn to believe Ill be getting them and then work with God town a trail or pathway toward those goals; regardless of how I get their… Amen
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So;
The Offensive strategy for living is from the mind of God. Following God is simply to imagine something; and go after it regardless of how unrealistic this looks to the general person on planet earth.
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So; Im getting my Bright advantage and stratagy from God for living; a new design for living; Pick something I want regardless of how crazy or unrealistic; and go after it. If it feels good; and it feels right; go after regardless of not knowing HOW it can happen; Do it; and trust God that this is the only way; the only meaningful way to live.
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