September 2025
August 2025
The goal
The goal continues to be!
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A Girlfriend…
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A Girlfriend of choice….
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This means; Ive got women I can go after as if; and they might be fun for a night ( and this is just speculation; its never happened)… Just contemplative. Im just expressing; I don’t know. I just guessing. Nothing has happened yet… Ive not asked someone to come over to my house to make out! Lets say… I just kind of think so.
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Here is the problem; Altho these women Im talking about are wonderful and terrific; They were never the girls I was thinking about originally…
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Working under God; Who Does God want me to be with!
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Q; Wouldn't it be nice! I ask this question; and what do I come up with! Certainly I come up with the nicest kindest prettiest women I can think of… Why? Its my fantasy; Im getting the right to imagine. And thats where Im going to go until I feel moved; when I feel like my imagination is sparked by someone or something I find.
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I think God wants me to go big; think big… What or whom do I really want; what really sparks me; who would I really want in my arms… what high frequency of person; what would they act like or look like; what would they be like…
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I think God wants me at a much higher level.. and so; I need to get used to that concept.. and learn to go after that with Gods help…..
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One way of starting is to pic someone I think is at a higher level… and go after that; imagine Im with her… talking to her; attracting her and standing up to her…
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This feels a very hard thing…
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However; its something to try for… Lots unknown results and outcomes and responses… I don’t know how Ill be treated; I don’t know… I feel like Ill be laughed at most of the time…. Will this stop me?
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Ill pray first… align first.
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I guess what Im trying to say; Its a time of a form or a kind a action. Im getting closer to action; Im running out of the need for philosophies. As I get stronger and with more confidence; Ill be heading out; meeting people… How ever this works… Thats where this is heading. Its about confidence and its about choice and its about practice and commitment with accountability with others; and I have those things. I didn’t say I wasnt sick to my stomach with fear and the unknown.
I wont say I don’t remember the past; I remember. I wasnt just rejected; I was simply never noticed even tho Im rich inside; no one cared… I wasnt even noticed…
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Even when I let my inside out; And others could see it; no one appreciated any of it. I literally meant nothing to everyone. No one valued me; Nothing. Zero…
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And this is the world Im going back out to… I had no place to rest my head….
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So; Ill be working with God and others; and cross my fingers hoping everything works out..
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Ill need support when I think Im getting somewhere with women.. and Im not…
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I figure Ill be going through allot of that; Ill have to trust God will get me to the right people.
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A pathway exists set up by God for this; I will have to listen to God on going down that pathway… finding that pathway… being willing to find it go down it…
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I am scared and have no ideas and no faith or hope… its scary.. to trust… Whats at the end of the road? Please help me God… please!
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At times I feel like Im chasing a dream in circles. Meaning Im getting know where…
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I think; I just wanted a family; to replace the one I never came from….
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Safety in numbers; family numbers…..
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I just wanted a family…..
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I just never believed….
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How do I turn around and believe… Thats what Im working with God on….
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Direction…
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I have to learn to believe…
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Im an old man… Its hard to believe…
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OK God; Ill give it one more try.
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Did I ever really try really ever while under God.
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Im always scared God will not bring me what I want; but what I have to settle for…
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So; I just stayed on my mountain bike and never got involved in anything with anyone… Nothing!
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I feel like Im setting myself up for failure; laughable failure out in the real world… Ill just be laughed at…
Or fooled and played…. Conned…
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So; I guess I do down a road beyond that.. Ive never done that…
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I new narrative beyond all this… OK God… Ill have to work with God to believe…
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Im so tired….. Im so exhausted from all of this…
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