August 2025
July 2025
Goals
girlfriend
car
house
money
vacation
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God is helping me gain confidence in all of these areas.. >Amen.
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I have to work with God and ask God for the helpers that will help me go from grade school maturity and development level; to adolescence level to teen level and into young adult level…
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All of this has to be redone.
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Dissociative disorder is the problem… So; its like being in a war; I have a whole line of resistance to protect me from the outside world within myself; a disability; And I want enough of it down to have a girlfriend.
Its so embarrassing.
Its not just creating intimacy; I cant create it with an actual person; only deep within me and my imagination.
However; the goal is to take that intimacy; and learn how to apply it out in the real world; this will be done through real world practice with others; practicing these things enough until I am good at it and confident at it.
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In a sense; Im learning from Ground up how to interact with women… ( It just freaks me out to say it). This triggers sexual abuse… it triggers many forms of PTSD.. or Long term CPTSD…
Getting to close to the world is like being in a war with it… it triggers war…. It triggers death for me…
Meaning; its like being in a war zone….
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Other problems;
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1. I need help; God to send others to help train me; so I can gain real world experience interacting at basic levels with women again. We are talking about; Im starting out at the emotional developmental age of child and working through to adolesence and then teen years and then young adult to adult… And their it is…
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Its all that training from the beginning; maybe even from age 3 through 4 n 5, 6 n 7 on up. Im missing everything concerning women.
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Ive got to be retrained with basics and experience. Ill pray for these people and what I need. Ill imagine getting the help and imagine what that help and training looks like and believe its going to happen for me… Imagining every bit down the pike; all of it.
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I am getting triggered with PTSD from those time periods of sexual abuse; my mind slams back into that; so; I must start over from the beginning and create a whole new set of realities for me without the sexual abuse; Bi passing all of it until practicing success. Amen.
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My mind is dissociating all over the place while writing this; Amen.
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Ive got to start slow… I mean really slowly allowing any of this in; slowly; Working with God for this to happen; people n places and things; Amen… Please God be with me Amen.
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This includes verbal with women; learning to tell a women who I am; what Im struggling with; what my goal is and asking for help.. .
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