September 2025
August 2025
Mental condition is still alive and well; At times I feel half schizophrenic; busted mind… CPTSD Dissociative disorder…
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I've been doing better at meetings; less co dependent or dependent.
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I'm twice everyone's age and more and I must remember this at meetings.
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The message from the universe is; allot of my problems when young; I was dropping out of everything 90% of the time. How could I have any connective life with anyone… or anything…
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Meetings are not safe… They are not set up by state agencies; these are just free form recovery meetings set up by themselves.
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I don’t know; but as I wake up; I want to wake up more socially. Ill have to work with God on this.
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Self worth can be a problem.
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So; socially Ill be working with God on these things.
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The problem is; Im so closed off from reality; I don’t even know what people think of me; Ive gone to millions of meetings
Maybe its time to move on out into the real world around others; Ill start working with God on these things so I can get stronger.
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All of this blocks me from being myself.
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My persona; my voice is coming back. My ability to stand up for my independent self in the face of those who don’t know me or might not accept me at face value. I doesn’t matter… I don’t care… Now I have to learn to stand up for myself.
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When talking to select others;
Im looking to be able to tell my story about my present mental conditions and problems; briefly with no problems and continue on with my day… I don’t want to be afraid to tell my story; I want to feel good about myself and be proud of myself for the work that has been done; not worrying or carrying about what someone else thinks.
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Im getting better; Where do I go from here; That is what Ill ask God.
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The recovery rooms are getting strangely indifferent… So; I want to get better and part my ways.
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HITTING LEVELS OF CRITICAL ANXIETY DISORDER:
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So; as I open things up; my past; Im seeing many hot spots. Meaning; gaps in my story…
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SO God; please help me…
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Many bad things I experienced that are the cause of this anxiety…
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Im doing the work to look at each gap.
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Here is an example of the endless problem;
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One solution is; God straitening me out…
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Feeling safe is a goal.
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I have to work with God in my imagination and create a safe base for myself in the present ( In my imagination); enough that I can become and feel Im on higher ground and safe… The whole idea is to come out of my shell into the real world.
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Ive never really had friends; Jesus is my friend and I must realize this…
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I had a few friends…
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I never understood the rules out in society dealing with caste system in my country…
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PROBLEMS:
The child in me continues to always wait for my parents to come home; to come home or come for me and take me home. Because they never come; I run home to them; but there was no one there; No more home; the home I lived in belongs to someone else now; no home; no parents…
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So; always looking for a home.
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Today I go to God about all of this and work with God on all this; and keep working with God on all this.
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IF YOUR NOT A FRIEND OF MINE IM NOT INTERESTED>>.
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The question is; why was I only attracting opportunists…
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God will listen to me and stay with me and make sure Im safe…
God is my existence partner; my oxygen tank on earth.
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Women; Women have to……...
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SLOWLY BREAKING AWAY FROM THE PAST>…
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As for my past. I was a victim… And I MADE A MISTAKES!
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When no longer living in the past; the shock of change!
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I had no experiences in life.
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I stand Before you today with no past!!!!!
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My goal now; start over with God this time;
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Where I came from!
I was completely defeated and I got nowhere!
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When younger…
a little drugs n alcohol will come onto the scene ; getting worse; I didn’t care; just enough…
I vetted the wrong women to marry
I went to the wrong universities
I studied the wrong majors
I was in the wrong occupations
I gave up everything I loved and blamed you…
I never dated the right women; always the wrong women
I had no money; I never learned nor wanted to learn about money…
I dropped out 90% of the time from everything
When I become seriously mentally ill; I dropped out hard 100%
No Car; No House; I lived in your basement or someone elses; I didn’t care..
I was homeless. After a year; I CARED…
Nut houses…
Social security for Nut Bars… Nut Bar State housing and foodstamps.
Can finish anything; cant accomplish anything. Cant touch anything. Cant participate in anything.
Talents; cant use them… cant seem to be in any form of reality…
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Where am I at now…
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With Gods help Im getting straitened out!
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My connection to the outside world is better...
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