September 2025
August 2025
Fist Love; a psychopath I was fooled by! Trauma Bonded!
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Why is it so hard. Why is it so hard to get over someone. I will get over this person. With GOds help its almost over; but the end is the hardest part...
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Why is it so hard to get over this person;
One reason is the truth. The truth is; I assume; this was someone identical to my mother. The child in me saw my mother so; the overwhelming attraction is recreating a relationship with my mother; someone who is like my mother and WIN! I win; I am able to step outside the family unit; find new people similar to my mother and father; have a relationship with them; and because of that I win. I have successful relationships with these new poeple and thus able to move on; move forward. Nothing in life was more important.
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However; That never happens with me!
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What happened; while I had delusion eyes toward the girl I was interested in at the time; I gave her full trust.. She; was a psychopath who had no interest in me; She saw me as a stupid victim who walk right up to her door steps and literally gave myself to her… And in a sense; she cleaned house; This criminal based identity; Her identity; didn’t have to even work at it. It was all free this time. A free victim that is delusional and needs; I was desporate; I needed anyone that might notice them… I was a starved broken person.
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The goal is to keep working on this subject with God until this person is gone is gone completely from my identity ( trauma bond).
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For the most part; after almost 3 years of serious recovery work on this individual; at some point this next round of recovery work; this reality is able to stick; Im able to see the real truth of how I was manipulated by this monster and accept it and work through it; hopefully at some point the delusion will start to leave and Ill find myself alone on the beach washed up by the shore; But alone and hopefully more in my right mind. Trauma bonds destroy my mind and body and leave me with no self worth or self esteem and no identity. I feel like; without this person Im nothing... I forget I had an identity once; And I used to be on my own 2 feet.
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When I was very young;
The Beginning of when I met this person; That is the problem. Being in a state of innocence and desperation; I had blinders on my eyes of who ever I met; I had a really innocent concept; as if what ever new neighborhood I ended up in; I would find nice people befalling me; meaning; I would end up in safe houses with safe people. In reality that never happened; it was a delusional thought out of desperation. This is important to say. This will set me up to meet anyone who opens their door to me; Ill have the delusion this life is a big TV show ( Disney land channel; pink unicorn utopia); And the rest of the world is Candy Land where everyone has a smile on their face waiting to take care of me. This unfortunate dissociation of reality will be setting me up for my early death; For more psychopaths will find me; con me very easily; will hardly have to work at; they will lead me into the slaughter. In some cases they wont have to be Sheep in Wolves clothing; My mind is Gone; and a wolf could be standing right by me and Id never see them; or a Jackal could be standing right by me and I would delusion-ally think its a princess with a magic veil waiting to take care of me; Like meeting Glenda the Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz.
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Unfortunately; Good Witch/Bad Witch From popular movies; is not what I interacted with. I interacted with deadly psychopaths who are out to dismantle people; And I walked strait into it without a thought of reality. And the result; beheading… I was beheaded/tortured/ murdered. I did not leave in one piece; I left with a mind and nervous system blown apart by a Satanic atomic bomb…
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I was fooled from the start; it wasn't hard for them. They played the friendly neighbor roll; I fell right into it.
And the first 2 weeks were the most crucial; as the psychopath was faking a completely realistic friendship concept; they were faking the girl next door; They were faking being a human being; I had no idea; it never occurred to me.
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This whole endeavor of getting over this psychopath has been a brutally hard lesson of confusing leverages. I had no base of reality when dealing with this person; I was fooled from the start. I thought this was someone other then they were; I thought they were a human being; I was wrong; they were a master manipulator fraud con artist; Pathological liar. They thrive as any criminal thrives; they thrive on taking advantage of other people who they perceive to be weak. They sense the weakness and the over-thro…. How can they pull it off; destroying and murdering another person; that is what thrills the conscienceless.
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Im at this place on this subject; This is not personal anymore; Nothing personal happened here. This was a criminal act done to an innocent person by a criminal; a criminal based family I happened to walk strait into.
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No one was interested in me; or interested in being my friend. This was a group of sociopaths with psychopathy that take advantage of people. They have no interest in the average person accept to dismantle them if they can get their hands on them… They feel way way above the normal person; They are unethical; no values and completely Godless… And it shall remain that way for them…
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Here is my point;
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To wake up and realize God is trying to tell me I had no friend their.. Nothing their. This was simply a un-scrupulous psychopath that took advantage of me; takes advantage of people. To wake up to this is horrifyingly brutal and demoralizing and humiliating. Please don’t do it alone; be involved in a recovery group or groups.. It is what it is; The truth is good enough; I never had a relationship; their was no friendship… their was nothing. They played upon my ego; let me think Id won the Lottery of relationships; let me believe I was getting somewhere. “ look at me; look at what I scored; I really am being discovered. Someone who is really exceptional and good looking likes me. This means; Ive finally been noticed for who I knew I always have been; Ive been discovered” “ I knew it would happen. I just knew it. Someone would finally see me” “ Look at me; Ive won in life; look who Im hanging around; look how wonderful socially Ive broken into; Ive broken into the big time; Im somebody; Im somebody now”. Look at me; Im finally loved and accepted into a family full of acceptance and love for me. God must be watching after me”.
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And then reality hits;
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The first Mistake in my thinking was; GOD HAD NO PART OF THIS! When did I work with God on anything; on this subject. I didn’t talk to God first before visiting this persons house or their life.
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What ever was at this house; it was more “ The Ghostly Horror on elm street”. This was more a haunted house story of evil…
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I was easily fooled in the beginning; But no one fooled God… God did not send me to these monsters; but God was protecting me the whole time; God and his Angels; but God will not be saving me from the consequences of meeting this poison. I will be harmed; harmed badly and scarred and part of me destroyed.
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The whole idea behind the psychopath luring me in is; through my own thoughts. They know Ill be thinking about them and what is going on in this situation. And they want to present the best faked presentation they can; on all fronts; until it is bullet proof. Ill never have a clue who or what Im dealing with. That is their contempt of hatred toward what they consider weak.. Weak is unattractive to the psychopath. But it does attract their depraved predatorial desire to kill.
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So; I was set up.
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THE FIRST 2 WEEKS;
The goal now has to do with the first 2 weeks I met her or spent time with her. I will say that many factors go into a situation like this that caused my demise; However; Ive dealt with many of them; each one; one at a time; dealing with them as if dealing with a Battle I had to overcome. Now; As I get closer to the end of this; the battles get more red hot; harder; like a severe sunburn next to the untouched sunburned skin; that line of deep red from sunburned skin to sunburned skin; its the hardest part; the most painful area. And its that area Im in right now concerning this FIRST LOVE: or getting rid of her from my memories and existence.
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I was fooled; and I was fooled greatest the first 2 weeks; thus I must look at these first 2 weeks with eyes that come from God and not my inner child.
My inner child fell in love with this person because my inner child thought a friend had been found; He did not find a friend; he had a murder’r that was simply feeding him candy and luring him to his death. Psychopaths don’t play games. They want to murder; they want to kill….
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The child in me; my inner self; child level; did not understand. The child in me was innocent; Those false connections from this murderous lunatic were false; a lie! They connected with this child without a hitch; those connections appeared to be like a female kindergarten teacher connecting to her students; or a grade school teacher connecting with small child in her class; they appeared to be like a parent; a mother or sister or a sister of a friend. They appeared to be like God or a Mother Teresa I could trust. Those connections appeared to be like the little girl in her connecting to the little boy in me; the same age; like they were 4 or 5 or 6; where they become pen pall like friends.. Or; she connects like shes a teenage girlfriend; The kind where we both are holding hands and we walk down to the store together and I buy her a coke on a summers day. And she plays other roles; All fooling me; fooling the small inner child in me. For in reality; there are no connections; they are transparent false seductions luring a small innocent child into a blood bath of being raped ruptured and destroyed. At some point when this child feels safe enough with these false connections; he will let his guard down; this monster will simply leave… leave the child abandon in 14 different forms… This child in me did not start this… And the child in me will not survive!
I thought I was at a safe place; a safe home. My mistake.
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The point is; Their was absolutely no friend here. Nothing is worse then this; to get over something like this; to be at the end of it and get nothing. I was completely ripped off and cheated; lied to by a pathological liar… No relationship; no nothing. I wasnt played; it was much worse then being played; I was a no name victim conned or fraud-ed and that was all; Like a thief conning someone out of their money! Thats all it was.
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I have to work with God; God will open this whole thing up; this first 2 weeks and Ill start sifting through it; looking for inconsistencies until I can split it open and separate parts of it from itself and slowly break those parts down into smaller parts until they are found out; and thus; no more power in them. Hundreds of times Ill do this; until it is no more…
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THE HARDEST THING; The hardest thing is to come back down to ground level; back down to reality where I start over as my Un-assuming regular guy self no- name. A nobody; invisible to the world but not to God; probably like most people feel maybe. Just a regular guy! Thats the hardest part; coming back out of the false dream…
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Drug addicts don’t want to come down off of drugs because of the pain; They get sick… nobody wants to go through that.
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I don’t want to go through the withdrawals of being faked out in a false relationship that I believed in; only to find out I was dealing with a common thief that fooled me. You mean to tell me I put my whole life and lively-hood and future into the hands of a common thief that fooled me; Thats all this was; I was never discovered? No future?
Nope; Im back to being a no name guy in the village; nobody special.
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And so it begins.
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These blogs will continue until Im fully beyond this person; and that will happen when I can see this person completely for who they really were or weren't. And I start to let go of the final realm of this fantasy back into reality where Ill have to learn to like myself again; not depend on someone else to like me. Ill have to learn to like myself again and learn how to stand on my own 2 feet with my own identity. re trusting and rebuilding that broken identity; an identity that was pulled down to the level of scraps... to a place of feeling almost beneath worthlessness...
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And this time if I want change; I go to God; start with God with all things and let God bring the right people and places and things… That means I stay with God work with God on self development at the frequency of God… And stay the Pathway with God and don’t go anywhere else. Just stay in the God Pathway and work with a higher power and be Grateful.
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No more blaming anyone for this; I got myself into this mess and I could get myself out. Now I work with God out of desperation that I can surface into reality and rebuild and live again. Self responsability and working and depending on God is of the day! Amen!
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