September 2025
August 2025
I have to see myself in that new car; see myself opening the door; getting in; driving it; like its mine and no big deal. And Im working on that. I see myself in the car driving it; stoping it; getting out and my girl is waiting for me... and Im confident;
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And the reality of this; Whats It really like to visualize all this stuff; the first thing that happens is; Im intruded on with PTSD; massive amounts; enmeshed and mixed with the present and sexual abuse and the abusers; and Im taken back to where I was hostaged; and when I attempt to get into the car; the abuser is in the back seat touching me from the back with his hands on me; on my shoulders... creep creepy sadistic monsters... and when I get out of the car to meet my girl; both parts of me are present; and these 2 parts are mixed and I dont know where Im at. Im at back their being abused or in the present getting out of MY car; not that car; and my girl awaits me...
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I see myself with confidence and at the same time being violated.
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However, Im getting stronger. Im aware that Im free because Im earning it. I know that when I get into the car; its just a car out in open air; open space and Im free; theirs no one their; just me. and I look around outside and as I get into the car I have confidence.
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Im driving my car and my thoughts turn to race car within the car as I shift and I can hear the motor rev... and the sound of the exhaust; little race car... Honda with a super charger on top of that engine. And I focus on that. And I end up parking on the side of the street in front of her house and I get out and she is waiting for me. and I put my arms out around her... and hold her.. and kiss her.
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And its getting stronger; the ability to do this. Do it in the face of the other side of things. And its this kind of mind practice I need... To make this passion stronger. Its the PTSD and avoidance stopping me. But it doesnt have to stop me. And Im working through it.
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The wrong people ; In the recovery world; being let down.
I have put my confidence in the wrong people... And I have to over come it; Ive projected; " there it is". Ive Projected on to others so I can be this broken person being molested and Im running into these others arms for safety and to be loved and cared about like they are father figures and another figures; more father figures and Im just a little boy and Im being protected. But in reality; they never turn out to be these father figures that are my father; in the end; they are manipulative abusers who were taking advantage of me; and Im broken and thrown away again; And this has happened several times by trusting people in the recovery process.
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ITs Grow up or Die!
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For some reason; I wont wake up to the fact I got myself into this stuff in the present; its not the fault of these people Im projecting on; but I want to make it their fault. They are not safe people. Well; Interesting; they were never safe people to start with; but I seem to act COOL and thing they got it going on and I do to; Im hanging out with them and thus; Im a guy about town and I can hang out with all the cool people. In reality; they are abusers and dangerous and I have grow up. They are not decent human beings. Im not sure why I cant just face up to this; I guess I dont want to because my image will be blown apart. I will not be important anymore; but; I was a fake to start with and my intent fake. I wanted to hang out with cool people; These are not cool people; they are dangerous. And I havent learned my lesson yet. I wanted to control them and walk away; but I got busted. And now I feel violated and week and found out... They called me on it. And I went into freeze mode. Why I cant handle it I dont know. They fooled me; they were never my friends or people I could trust or rely upon; did I not know this. I put my trust in them and through myself on them as if they were brothers or trust worthy. Why? I mean; why did I think they were so special; but I did. And they took advantage of it as soon as possible. They were never safe in the first place; so its back to the drawing board. But whats interesting is; Why would I ever think they were safe in the first place? Thats the delusional spot Im really in; Im replaying my childhood; thats all it was. Im reliving my childhood with unsafe people. Im in a dream world. And Im getting caught and busted; suddenly Im trapped or caught with no protection or way to protect myself; They suddenly are criminal taking advantage of me and Im not awake to it or want to be awake to it. I gave myself to them thinking they were like my Dad and Id be taken care of and thats not what happened; they turned back into criminals and turned on me. And Im mad; and scared and violated and let down; I thought I had control of these criminals. I seem to forget they are criminals. and they were manipulating me from the beginning; I should not be around them.
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Why am I turning criminals into nice people; Why would I not go find nice people????? Get away from these monsters. Why am I around these monsters in the first place; past trauma bonding?
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TRuama bonding and PTSD;
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I put my trust into criminals and they let me down. Im not sure why I would allow them to get close to me or even think they were safe; I guess I got fooled by them; by their act just like others before me and now I know what they really are.
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So; Im half terrorized person that is not present dealing with dangerous criminals; Why? I mean at first it sounds like Im the boss man in control; but what I really am Is dissociative; like a little kid playing with a toy; suddenly; the toy Locks me up and turns on me and its no longer a toy I was dealing with but an active criminal mind that takes advantage of others.
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What I see; manipulators that use cohesion to manipulate. For some reason I protected on them what I wanted them to be; and they saw this completely; they were never safe; ever from the beginning... And Im suppose to be fooled they didnt turn out to be my friend but instead turned out to be manipulators.. Did I not know who they were; look where I met them; why would I think they are safe. And inside me the anger and hostility comes out. Im not the powerful person I thought they thought I was. I thought I was important in their eyes; but in reality; I was projecting on to criminals what I wanted them to be; in reality; they were just manipulators setting me up and playing me slowly until they could set the trap; why would I not know this or see this.
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It feels good to write this tho; gets me closer to reality. To come back from my childhood; deeper childhood and work things out; because thats what Im doing; Im a child inside working things out.
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So; as much as I dont want to say this; I do want to have relationships but with the right kind of people and I havent been the right kind of person; Ive been ashamed and afraid I would not be accepted...
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So;
Im hitting a few problems; first; PTSD; or CPTSD; developmental trauma disorder at alarming levels; Disability levels; This engine dont work anymore; its broken. And it is; cracked block; all the way through.
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Ok; so; now that Ive felt sorry for myself; Ill now get on with things... Poor Guy!
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OKE:
So; A part of my spirit or my spirit can take interest in the world; and that interest is what fuels me. Its motivates me to keep going; and with that spirit; things are possible.
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When I was in college when young; a horrible experience of terror when dealing with full dissociative disorder and PTSD. Half here at best; non functioning; I screamed through most of it from being triggered over n over n over; and had no other place to go because I didnt function in the outside world and had no place to hide; nothing.
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So; I remember a disabled girl; she was not very smart; boarder line I guess; She worked extra hard and made it through her classes at the community college level. What can I say! If someone wants to succeed they will.
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If I want to succeed I will; The key is to get back into life; taking an interest in life again; working through the terror and fear of PTSD; understanding that its not real; and go forward with my goals.
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Ive been destroyed so many times with unfinished PTSD just hanging as a backdrop with no processing because I lost so many things...
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So; non of this is easy.
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Im also fooled.
For exampled. I see my best friends house that I spent half my time at as a boy. Little did I know; he never wanted to be friends with me and he was never my friend; I didnt know. I didnt know he and his family did not like me or want me. I never knew. I put trust into them; thought I was in a safe place; I was not. I didnt know. He was not my friend; I didnt know.
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Looking back at this; I have to get rid of the memories of those people; eating with these people; being in their kitchen and feeling part of; sitting with them in the dinning room table. I was never apart of anything. I just thought I was. I thought I was home or had a second home like they were relatives; they were not... I just made myself into it and into believing it. I made him a real friend of mine. Im afraid people of this nature dont care about such things as friendship. I meant nothing to these people and to this person I thought was my friend. I was mistaken and needed to get the hell out of there. He was not my friend.
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Its important for me to say that because all memories of that person and their house hold and any value I put toward it must go. They were monsters; and thats all. I was delusional; their was no one their. meaning; emptiness; I mean; its a miricle I even made it as far as there house hold. They were not nice people and never figured it out.... I didnt want to and I never thought I needed to.
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However, later in my childhood I needed to hang out their. More n more thrown away from where I lived; no love; only a TV set... nothing else. When I was 5; It didnt matter so much... but nothing came at a later date and never thought that would happen. I thought I would grow up normally like everyone else; but it their was no one...
I found myself at my best friends house more n more.
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So; here's the delusion; The Delusion is; that I had a best friend. Thats the delusion; who ever said this person was anything more then a stranger.
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I can go further; who ever said this person was safe or not my enemy or enemy potential from the start. Looking back; this person was never my friend. I found myself at his house; not the other way around. I thought everything was great; of course I did; I was at his house the whole time; it was all great; all cool; it was like being at my relatives house... But in reality; they were not my relatives; I was protecting and they were spiders or monsters or both... I had no friends their and they did not need me; in fact; there real opinion of me was much different they I thought. I had a positive out look of what they must have thought of me... But in reality; they saw me as a desperate lonely thrown away child of no value or promise;' and they Also saw me as completely inferior to them... That is one issue of importance; They saw me as little more then a dumb stump wood cutter. Someone that could nail a nail into a piece of wood but not much more; as if I was really intellectually inferior; when in reality; of course; I was not. But they needed to make me into that. Or they thought that from the beginning because they were evil from the beginning. So; every time I talked with them; they smiled but thought I was worthless behind their masks. In reality; it was much worse than that.
If I had never met this boy when young; he would have never met me. He would have never went out of his way to see any value in me; would never need to. Why would he. He didnt need to.
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I had no idea they looked down on me as trash. However; as Ive mentioned in other blogs about this; they actually made comments that my brothers were trash; and I was in the first grade when doing so. They thought my brothers trash; they were older and their kids must have known them from school; But my brothers certainly were not trash; they were nice sensitive kids just like I was. Well; these wealthy people did not care; they didnt need to. They were not my friends; I was a perfect stranger. Im looking for more words to describe this; the reality of the situation was; they never wanted me at their house; they were put upon and horrified that they were invaded. But I was 2 young to know any of this. Me being a nice guy had nothing to do with it; I was invading their home... That was all it was; home invasion. No one told me because they were above such things; or dealing with such low life situations. Looking back; I was a lone person handing out at someone elses house; its that simple.
Their son was never a friend of mine. Im not sure why I went home with him the first time; only because I wanted to. I made a mistake right from the start; and the first things dealing with mistakes is to admit them and change the behavior and change the narrative.
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I have to keep repeating this stuff being reminded of it from the beginning I made a mistake; mistaken identity; back track with Gods help and move on. back track to a place of mistaken Identity and re write the narrative and move on from their with God down a new re fixed narrative.
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ITs like this; Im in a car; and I want a new engine; I think it would be so cool; so I have a bigger engine traded in... and Im so happy; but after its in; things dont work so right in the car. Nothing does. And soon Im in shock and dont know what to do; finally I reach out and get help; And; the engine must be pulled and the original put back in and I learn a lesson in life. The newer bigger shiny engine; regardless of its shine didnt work... After they pulled it; it was still shiny but it didnt work in my car. So; Im grateful for what I have. I pull back; re gather my stuff and start over again. This time; without that engine.
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Im trying to say something here. its about taking responsibility for whats going on here. I get intimidated and delusional when it comes to people... Its very schizophrenic. Looking back; I have a problem co depenencing on other people; Ive done it all my life; I run to them and become their family whether they like it or not; I move in and stay. Strangely enough they have allowed it in some cases. The first real best friend I had was like that; he was not my friend; but I never knew this; and the first girl I loved was like this; same thing. I found a way in and stayed and made friends with them when they were never quality to be friends with; in fact they were both sociopaths.
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Today; Im re narrative-ing my past; Im re writing it with no one there; no one involved; just imagine if I had to make my own friends based on them meeting me and I busy with schooling; or I having to take interest in my own ideas about a car and make my own friends concerning it; working with them about cars.. No brothers around; no odd bad people judging me to death behind my back... I; having to learn how to make money and work with God universe on all things; thats whats happening for me now; Im un corrupting myself. Im heading back as is so I can live my life again.
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Im scared and it hurts; lots of fear...
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Car;
I have allot of fear about getting the car; its a place of dissociation; Its me dry; no bar... stepping out into the unknown in front of me.
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Its my job to keep writing about the car I want dont stop; keep it up and keep working with the universe and allow this to solidify and get stronger and stronger until I am willing to work with the universe to get it.
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