September 2025
August 2025
Taking full response-ability respond-ability under God for my life; I stress; ( Under God); For my life; is the ultimate goal. To be aligned with higher power through meditation and instruction from God; Universe; Jesus…
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Why Under God! Because God is a nice King! A Grand emperor… God is a nice Gods; the Universe is my friend!
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The universe will bring more friends like the universe if I focus on God universe… And I want allot of friends like God like Jesus Like the universe…
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Working with God to become response-able; is possible; but I swear it almost kills me to become so. It is a lowly position; it is low maintenance person. High Maintenance people are the enemy of low maintenance people. They are of opposite cultures.. Low maintenance means to me; Im doing the maintenance on myself so theirs not much that needs to be done by someone else.
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Im now finding my way back to become a respond-able person under God… Response-able person.
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Ive been missing from my own life. I had to let God create a mother and father and safe family places; something; so I can recover and I still need to keep doing so. However; things are changing slowly as I move down energy river keeping my hands of the or’s and letting the raft float down in its own direction…
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NOTE: Modern present mother and father; Ill need much answers from them; And some have shown up. So; And family; And God has sent some ideas…
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With enough work and “trusting the process” and support; things are possible; Thats whats happening for me. In numerous ways; Im just now getting it; or a glimpse of it. Im looking at it; And asking the question; “ Is this possible” “ really? Well; Under God; it is…
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I can become that nice person again. God will bring the right people in different forms that fit who I am and who Im suppose to be; be under God.
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When very young; When I was with my original family system;
Unfortunately I will not be looking like I can fit in to any family ( Ill get more from TV families in movies then mine) in with any family system I was forced to be brought up in. Its unfortunate; meaning they were not under God; they were pure monsters and thus; I wont have a chance to have parents that were decent under God. To bad for me. Horrible!
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Changing my insides to meet the worlds outsides…
I have God and must reach out to God and learn from God… And learn how to be responsible. So far; What Im learning is; If I keep reaching out to God for this; God will make this possible by changing my insides to a responsible person. I just kind of flow in that direction and continue to change and slowly wake up to my own abilities? I don’t know; Im not an expert on this; Ive been shut off from this all of my life. So; Im a beginner like everyone else. I am willing and Ill keep working with God on it.
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I never took responsibility for anything and thus; I never had anything…
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Im now asking God for help to change me on the inside not worrying about the world outside… This will take some work. Its not easy; non of this; Not when I ask God to change my insides… Its an inside job…
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I used to want to be around high maintenance people ( high society people); Thinking they would accept me as high maintenance; They did not; they laughed in my face; When they realized I was faking it and not high maintenance; They realized I was a fake and not privileged like someone from their background; they wanted nothing to do with me.
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So; God is showing me… I cant have both; cant serve 2 masters; only one. And have to let God help me and develop me at this point.
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Im starting to see it; the kinds of people and places and things Im suppose to be around are much different then I thought. Im getting it. Its kind of a lowly secret…
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Its like the unseen who are responsible, get to inherit the earth.
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Im getting it; But from an outside the glass of the bottle; meaning; Im looking through the bottle as a lense; through the glass. I don’t feel good enough or safe enough to question my past and actually move from the filtering of a glass bottle to look at the world; to actually be part of the real world.
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Ill have to have God help me with this these days. My parents and others never helped me; They didn’t care.
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So; I have God directing me today.
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I large gap resides where I would be responsible for taking care of my life. This is a huge gap of fright fear terror and insecurity pain hatred sorrow fatigue loneliness brokenness.
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Im getting it. Not there yet!
just starting;
just accepting Ive got this giant sink hole in the middle of myself thats been ripped through like a crater. Im sitting on the edge of it looking in. Ive got to work with God for help with this so I can cross over it and have support for such things; for filling it in or working through what I have to work through; what ever God has in mind. Ill talk to God about it and keep working with God going down energy river.
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Its happening. The universe is turning me into someone that likes himself. Im not sure how to describe this; God is being asked to create this situation; Im that person who is under the care of a mother and father and family who loves them; I am brought up safe and right. The goal; My inner being begins to shine as a responsible person. Thats whats I want! And the universe is creating this in the present; How the universe is doing this; Well; it will be seen I guess.. not completely sure of all of it; how the universe will do this; I believe the universe will show up with something.
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In the past; to respond to something meant I would end up in trouble. And its not going to matter; even if I respond a 1000 times; Ill still be thrown away, thus; I stopped responding to everything.
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God is in charge of the changes;
Im not in charge of the changes; Well; Im in charge of getting on my knees and working with God. All Im looking for is my independence… It seems to be happening; but allot of damage requires allot of work. And I think that work is happening.
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Im not across the divide yet… God is helping me tho… preparing me. I can see it.
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Ive had glimpses…
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slowly getting the message and remembering where I came from; my past and who I always wanted to be and figured Id be. However; this time I have to work with God on Gods instructions;
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In my imagination return to the past;
Gods instructions are; “ Return to the past; the very beginning of my life; take what I need; DO not take any of the people from the past with me; The people I thought were important enough for me to associate with accept a few friends on the south side streets… I had only a few friends on the south side of the neighborhood; rebuild again; take what I like and leave the rest that will help me; God is in control this time; A new narrative and direction and instruction this time. This does not mean I wont be using the same narrative ideas I did in the beginning; I think I will be adding on through God; adding on in a way that allows me freedom but security and safety and right thinking and direction; Gods will not mine; Down Gods pathway.
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Im really starting to remember where I came from; more importantly or as importantly; Im at that frequency of that time of my life as a child; its almost right under me as if Im walking on it again. Meaning; Im walking down the same side walk I walked down when I was a kid; Im walking down it in my imagination; In my soul Im at that same level and frequency; Im incredibly close to being this “ ME” again. But not yet.. Kinda but not yet… God is creating the original me again. Allowing me to find myself.
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Went to another meeting; Im just spilling out what I have to spill out… The goal is to get back on my feet.. Not yet! It will be awhile but Im on the right track… I believe…
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Im still being harassed or stalked when I go to meetings… I still go; I want to express until I get better.
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Ill continue to go… I get better when I do…
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Ive got a large hill to climb…
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I believe I can climb it or will be climbing it back to life again… Ill have to work with God and continue to do so…
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I have to go to meetings tho…
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The goal is to come out of fairy-tale land. Come back into reality and start their..
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So; im in kind of a hard place right now. What I need is to grow stronger into the present again; that would mean many things; being present again… Im still a little boy inside; but the rest of me is getting stronger Im just not their yet… it will be a while.
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THE BEGINNING OF THE FINAL ISSUE:
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In my imagination;
If I focus on a subject directly in front of me that I want to walk down; that I see in front of me; Im literally retarded. I can hardly lift a foot and put it down in order; Im so slow and disabled.
Definition of Retarded; Less advanced in mental physical or social development then is usual for ones age…
Characterized by a slowness or limitation in intellectual understanding and awareness. Emotional development, academic progress. People who are slow or limited in mental development…
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Im afraid many characteristics of retardation fit me.
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I couldn’t tell her I was retarded
NOTE: When young; a beautiful women come up to me; she found me attractive; I couldn’t tell her my problems. I just couldn’t. I did not believe I would be accepted; I never gave others a chance; I justed walk away…
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NOTE: I never had the gutz to give someone else a chance; Tell them the truth. Scared to Death I would not be accepted.
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NOTE: I never told anyone the truth.
I used to claim it was others who never told me the truth.
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I could not tell someone that I cant deal with anything( reality); cant deal with anything in front of me; Its schizophrenic like. Im so slow; I can hardly think in this way. Im so slow that its literally a disability in itself. So many other symptoms that make up this much bigger field of dissociative disorder. AVPD; CpTSD PTSD and other stuff…
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In my case; In my imagination I can hardly imagine putting one foot in front of the other; directly; its just horrible horrible pain and fright and fear and horror/PTSD… To the point of dissociation through all of it.
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No need to blame anymore;
After years of recovery work. Im now able to stop blaming others and simply look at the mental problems and cognitive problems. For example; Like full dissociation anytime I think of something directly in front of me I would have to participate with.
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My past is like this; Girl looks at me; She is curious about me. So; Im a interesting guy to her on a disability? A mental disability she wont understand or may not even accept.
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Ive never been able to tell someone I had feelings for them; never thought I had a chance with all these mental problems. I just couldn’t. I walked away… I just couldn’t take the humiliation and shame. I was afraid someone would look at me like I was a weirdo or weakling that couldn’t pull his weight… a marginal person in society not worth their time.
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Today; My goal is to learn how to us success based tools to imagine the things I want and imagine Im visualizing things in front of me that I want. And that I wont stop because of the dissociation disorder problems.
My symptoms are serious. So…..
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Cant keep up with others; cant compete at these levels with others cognitively; just cant… PTSD; Long term memory destroyed. Doesn’t mean I cant try; Just saying… Its not just emotional…
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And many other symptoms…
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This is making more sense.
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After working through all the resentments Im left with this;
The Giant anxiety walls and Dissociative disorder problems; The CPTSD problems; These are what stop my brain from completing things… I might be triggered from past people and places and things; ultimately its not others that were the problems; its mental health issues.
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NOTE: Mental health issues helped me to always find the wrong people to associate with.
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Knowing this; Where do I go from here?
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So; Next level…..
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large anxiety wall… The big Anxiety wall; been stopping me since childhood.
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Dealing with this big anxiety wall up close and personal; this is new to me… Ive never been this far….
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Im beginning to imagine taking steps beyond the Big Anxiety wall.
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Ill keep writing bout this anxiety.
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What does this mean; I kind of means theirs no past and nowhere to go in the past. Its all forward and I have a problem looking at things directly forward. So….
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THE NEW BEGINNING!
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I told one of the groups tonight about the big anxiety wall; altho not completely safe; stalkers and others in those places; so Im always uneasy.
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I told them… I said I have anxiety disorder; no past; no one to blame anymore…
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My problems stem from a severe anxiety disorder. Ive never wanted to accept it. I just haven't; Ive hated it hated it hated it… hated it. I could never do anything about the severity of how its affect me cognitively emotionally and impairing me very badly socially. Ive hated all of it… Because I haven't known how to get past it. Ive been trapped.
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Anxiety disorder;
I simply have this problem… Its still here; still alive… still disabling crashing my life out of existence on several fronts.
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ITS all OKE.
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I just thought I wanted more. I wanted or expected to start from a place of better choices; But Im not; SO; hey; its all good; its all cool. Ill just start working with God where Im at . Ill learn to like my life; Ill learn to be happy… Ill learn to dig everything anyway…
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So; Now Ill focus on goals…
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I have allot of work to do with anxiety wall. To go through the wall; to take steps beyond the wall to the world I want to be part of. I have to learn how to walk to those goals beyond anxiety wall in my imagination.. This is really all new to me. All of it… To go beyond the wall.
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Maturity;
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Ive been at the edge of the anxiety wall; and Ive attempted to talk about it directly in meetings.
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NOTE: The meetings I attend are the wrong kind of meeting to talk about Anxiety walls…
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Ive been using success based thinking process on it; imagining Im walking through the wall
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And?
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Im feeling differently… Im feeling a tiny bit stronger on that edge of maturity.
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NOTE: Im feeling more mature; Im feeling more up to speed...
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Im just now starting to push back up against my mental age; emotional age up against that anxiety wall.. And actually work on it or try to touch it; smash through it; understand its functions and meanings; so; I am up to speed and I have to say my maturity has taken a move forward. A strengthening; I doubt Ive skipped forward any actual age level; I am facing forward; facing that wall and attempting to bust through it a little bit; I mean. WOW!
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Many things have been happening.
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THE MEETINGS:
I unounced tonight; That Ive worked through my resentments of the past and its only me and my anxiety disorder.
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What does this mean; Staying away from these meetings; to many creepy people; Some I should call the police on…
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The anxiety disorder keeping me from an independent life. Dissociation keeping me silent confused.
Ive not had an independent life. And Ive never built one. Now; I think things can be different. I think.
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NOTE: Im fairly wrot’d out. I mean; Im so stripped away from the working the recovery process.
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I think the way things are going; I can develop an independence life.
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I want to describe what is going on… I have allot more freedom right now. Its not free; its lonely dry and open; things are different. Im stronger.
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NOTE: Anxiety wall destroyed music and art performance.
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So; now things have changed or are changing; What does that mean; right now; Im just kind of at the edge.
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One of the most important aspects of change that is occurring is; Im starting to get independent but without anyone from the past… This is by far; the most important self actualization. Im starting to get back possibilities without any of the people who destroyed me when young.
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Ive broken through many things; many smaller things… and I appear to be up to speed with Gods help on some things… Id like to tell you I don’t know what Im talking about but; its true; I can feel it.
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NOTE: Im experience the feel of new ground…
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Im present in some aspects….
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Dear God what is next.
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