September 2025
August 2025
My recovery process is going well; Im really waking up a bit; relative to the past; Ive had a significant retro rocket blast forward into a newer developing directions; not something I haven't talked about before; However; now its happening a little bit and Im at the forefront of such things. Its hard...
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PROBLEM: A (GAP); a large (GAP) resides between myself and (I); Its been here from birth I assume; meaning at least as far back as I can remember; and that would be 3 1/2 years old. I remember it in nursery school; it showed up as anxiety disorder like; where I could not focus on anything very long or finish anything. I was smart enough but not disciplined and I couldnt seem to get disciplined enough; something was wrong. nothing seemed safe to me.
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FIRST LOVE and BEST FRIEND growing up; These were 2 examples of mistakes made; my youth and innocence and naivety; I thought I had found people that wanted to help me with this gap; to help me shore it up or grow and develop; I thought I had found authentic friends sent to me by God. Fakes Feinds! Frauds; Monsters; Using me! Playing low key acting like human beings; Wolves in Sheeps clothing...Or what ever they were? Actually; they were trying to attract people like themselves... Not someone like me. However; I was outreaching for help and ran into them; the wrong people. And They literally looked at me with bewilderment; At first they thought I was like them; They had no idea... They were not much a human beings... regardless; I had made a mistake; these people were not their to help me and God did not send them to me as helpers; I was mistaken. They had no idea who I was or what I was about. I had to leave... I had made such huge mistakes with people; mistaken identities... And it seemed like the people that were showing up around me of easy access were actually creeps are con artists; sociopaths acting innocent interested; always in nice clothing(looked normal). Non were nice people; no one... nothing.. I was destroyed from all of this. Now; I now better. scumbags are always the first ones with their doors open and want to rip people off; they are always the smooth salesmen promising and agreeing; always waiting for (innocent-throw-away-people) like me. And their you have it. That is why I ended up meeting these people. And as the universe has pointed out as awareness; They are liars... That is the base nature of their character... obviously dangerous people; but also the wrong people( there would be no future with these people).
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So; How will I turn this around. First; I really dont remember at that time; getting on my knees and asking God for the exact right people who were safe... I mean; to come down my God pathway... So; I just kind of walked out into society blindly and innocently and the first people to find me were these scumbag sociopathic con artists; everytime...
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NOTE: Sexual abuse has caused this gap.
NOTE: abandonment in all its serious forms has caused this gap
NOTE: Mother/Father; psychopath/sociopathic team; This has caused this gap
NOTE: societies indifference to recognize care or help.
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I remember it showing its real horrible face of insecurity in 1st grade. And I remember ending up at other peoples homes in first grade and literally living with them or off them or whatever; I was there all the time... Later; I found out no one wanted me there. This tells me I was in very much personal trouble; to a point of reaching out in desperation for anyone that would listen to me or see me.
This Gap or self split will continue and really show its face and damage in the 4th grade; before this; things are hard for me to focus and concentrate. However; by the 5th grade; I've almost dropped out of school... Later I will be abandon and go through a continuous throw away period or periods; over n over n over and be blocked out of participating.
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The gap will get bigger and bigger and bigger until their is no more left of me and I cant stay present anymore.
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HERES THE DEAL:
SO; Im getting in touch with this gap; going back to the ages of grade school... and nursery school; maybe; OKE; Yes; so; first; ages 4-5. And 1-5 grade.
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Personal development when young;
I remember spending most of my free time working on developing myself to close this gap; thats what development was all about... I did make some basic level child movement forward; but nowhere near what would be the beginning of the major overhaul that was needed; I would need to develop through my young life up to 18 years old in safe places where I could heal; and this will never happen.
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NOTE; I assumed my parents would help me; and I waited and waited and waited; little did I know they caused the gap...
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NOTE: I tried to meet people for help; they abandon me... They didnt really want me or to help me.. At some point realizing I was a human being in trouble; they wanted me gone...
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HERE I AM NOW:
So; What's positive about this;
First; I have no interest in blaming others at this point. Im going back to grade school in my imagination and connection; basically before I meet new people later...
This is a time of purity... So; no one is involved in my gap problem; Only me with myself to correct look at and work on it.
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I believe this gap is responsable for never being able to fully finish anything... A Giant gap resides between the pathways on my journeys of interest; this road blocking me into freeze mode or complete stand-still. And thus a giant desert or ocean... to get to the other side.
OKE: So; I see it and feel it and know about it; and it is responsable for stopping me with work career and relationship Goal; and issues like; money and car and marriage; schooling; everything. I wont finish or really start anything much; Ill drop out... And when I hit the gap; its pure fear terror and pain; agany..
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NOTE: Impossible to make friends; no one was interested... After being played and used by sociopaths pretending to be friends... I gave up...
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So; I believe its also responsable for AVPD problems. When young; I run. I go find someone elses house or life to hide in... I do this before I face the gap; I run from the pain.... Now that I know this. Im slowly asking God to help me with this overwhelming problem and its solutions. This has cost me everything in life; its split me down the middle; A divide I cant cross; I cant get there from here. Ill work on this now.
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My nervous system;
after years of recovery work of all sorts; I am finding some relief from all that work. Mental people are befallen on a daily basis from this constant workload to find a cure; they continue with the hope they might get better.
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I AM GETTING BETER: Nervous system and mind working together;
Its starting to align with my head ( nervous system+head; working together; not at war with each other). PTSD problem(problems); some are disappearing; many still remain. Yet; the connections of control and fear they had over me are leaving; it seems the truth of my past is helping; the (Real Truth) of my past is helping more; My understanding of situations are clearing things up a bit... Im not so connected to those hopeless death stories anymore. However; I can still see them roll through my head like a movie screen; but they have little or no functional use... THey are old greyed out monuments of the past ( they're still bugg'n; dont get me wrong!). THey have no real motion or connection or purpose in my new life; nothing; they are just monuments' that sit in old landmark lavender-green tree filled parks in the center of town. WHen I visit the tree parks; I ride my bike; I see; covered over by light reflected bushes; I see Monuments representing stories of my past; Monuments with lime orange brush-stroke coverings; Monuments with dancing twigs sleeping on old ideas never realized written in its corners. monuments with sleeping brown'd rusted grounds of ants n tree rooted holes breaking through its concrete plaques; I see those monuments; Pleasantly whisk while trolling by; Monuments; Monuments everywhere! And on the far corner of the parks; Monuments of past haunted mansions I used to be kidnapped within; "and I cant get out"!. I still fear them; I still remember them; THey still haunt me; but they dont own me; and they're fear do not trauma bond me into believing I deserve in life; only crumbs...
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Its not over yet; not fixed yet; PTSD/CPTSD is a large prevelent motion in this life; But not like before: (It is like before; Its not like before)! My connections are stronger within my mind and nervous systems... Im much stronger in the connection areas... THe PTSD areas are still weak and broken but I have so many other areas built up and many bi-ways; bi-passing energy flows (bridges across an energy river allowing me a clear pathway to the otherside of the lake); Bi-ways reconnecting my mind and my nervous system to the outside world; to myself!.... My mind and nervous system are working together again... Things are changing; A new life has been sprouting...
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Looking beyond the old barn; sunlight dances upon a fenced garden that appears growing; growing for some time; and growing and developing very well... Yes; new life; evidence of a new life; New life has been born.
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THE FACTS OF LIFE; Getting better; and working within the broken split of self; The gap!
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As I wake up; Im better equipped to listen to reason now; I believe my connection to myself; my brain and nervous system working together; and general recovery and healing has created a person finding sanity.. sanity is seeking me; or Im spotting it... Im beginning to be present enough to listen to sanity and embrace sections of it; Im stunned but sitting and listening to what it has to tell me about the world around. No longer do I live in a Martian Air space; not being able to distinguish planet life from Mars; or Martian landscapes from Human ones. I no longer fly around Martian airspace in my head. Now; My mind is strong enough to understand a bit where Im at in my home town on planet earth. Its like I just am kind of mentally strong enough to be present... Just enough; not very strong...
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The universe always bringing me coaches when Im ready;
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Ive been listening to life coaches concerning marriage friendship and money. Im learning a great deal.
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Im realizing;
If I want a girlfriend and later a wife; I realize I have to Like women; I cannot have any contempt for them or hatred or animosity. I cant have a secret contempt and lack of respect with a feeling of superiority and believing Im better then they are and they are beneath me. I have to shore up the gap within me; the split that has created 2 sides of me.
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I will admit; Im now horrified to find out just how much hatred I had for? Women? For the opposite sex? yes? For relationship? For Family and Family life? For closeness.... I dont know; Im not sure of the root of this. 6th grade; Bullying; being thrown away from my home when young; no protection; Having to find new homes and friends to associate with when all they were doing is; using me...
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NOTE: Allot of these people knew I was in trouble and knew I was scenery looking for help; They saw this as an opportunity to play me into the ground and destroy me because they could... They could get away with it... and then ghost... Laughing all the way to the bank.
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I went through long extreme abuses of specific horrible natures... And all of that abuse has added up to making me a cold person... At least Im awake enough right now to feel anything and to be half sane... I was more schizophrenically broken a while back; in the beginning. I was split into halves and different shapes and forms; I was shattered into singularity living pieces living independency within my own cosmos... Many different personalities and identities.. All severed from each other; all severed from planet earth; all living on-to-themselves...
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I ended up arrogant toward relationships and anyone in them and especially anyone that would even think of wanting one with me... I literally had no respect for anyone that wanted me or wanted me in a relationship; I had nothing but contempt for those wanting to marry me or who would give me a chance in life; but at the same time; I wanted them and did want to marry them and have them in my life.
I being so mentally ill; I had little to know control over my own life or reality; in many cases I was so broken I was no longer present... I had no more identity or personality...
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Its so very hard to say that many of the women Ive said bad things about in my blogs actually were women who wanted to marry me. And the only one who stopped it: I did! And I could not live with myself. I threw away my opportunities to marry women God brought me... Did God actually bring all of them; I dont know; Im looking into that right now... So; So this case-file is out right now... But; I think so!
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NOTE: None of these women; when given the chance wanted to help me or cared to help me... They refused to even consider a helper role; Thus I refused to consider ever associating with them again... I see one or 2 of them at times.. NOthing; Just ignore me with judgement; They dont even care what the truth is... its just sickening!
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Most (ALL)of the women I dated were the wrong women; I was broken and mentally ill; They just showed up; it was no one I picked; I just kind of washed my brain of my own thinking and was brain dead; was brain dead and I fell into them... they seemed more awake then me. I wasn't sincere at all with these people. I didnt care about anything or about life. That is why judging is hard; I attracted nothing but scum that were trying to get cash... But because I was so out of it; I attracted these type Golden triggers.... I mean; I didnt care about life and thats who I attracted. I didnt even know who I was saying yes to... Im a decent person; I mean these were the last kinds of people on earth I would associate with; I just didnt care; I didnt care who was around me or who I was associating with... I just through my life away and what ever happened happened; and it happened. I did not have control of my life. And I have to look at more of this so I can put a stop to it and change; put some work into what I want; fight for what I want; get my standards back up high enough; and work toward that... My God. Im not used to working for anything or believing in any thing; if I lose I give up and walk away and go my own way... Well; I didnt even try; Nothing! Ill have to talk to God about this.
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So; My attitude is to blame others for my singleness in life! Yes; Mental illness is 99% to blame; but my attitude gets a very strong 1% to go with it...
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MY GOAL WITH WOMEN:
1. My attitude has to change; I must get back to being a person who appreciates women; who admits he wants women; and he needs a woman if hes going to be married; In order for me to be married; I need a wife. My focus will be on the wife Im looking to fill that roll! ..... Im working with GOd universe and the laws of attraction on things...
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2. being married or having a girlfriend... The goal is not the marriage; the goal is to put forth the energy on what wife... Thats where the energy goes; Not on the concept of marriage but on the concept of wife... What have I done to improve myself in ways that women want...
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What have I done to improve myself in ways that women want...
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3. What kind of market value do I have for women these days.
A. Im an old man... So; no points for that... - points
B. women always liked my looks; enough to be acceptable in a relationship; So; 1 point
C. No money; minus points for that
D. Educated; Good communicator... 1 point for that.....
E. Over weight; I am now; Minus points for that.... if I get back in shape; bring it back.
F. Goal oriented; Im in the recovery process and have some areas together in my life... This helps overall; but no points allotted to this.
H. Experience with children... Ive been a child a broken child; step son and a throw away... So; I understand... Im understanding with many child based problems... and in life and the recovery process has helped me become a problem solver; So; 1 point for that...
J. I have hobbies and talents Im working on all the time.... This helps; no points allotted.
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In the end; 3 points. In the market place value in society... I am at a 3 out of 10......
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What does this mean... It means; do not look for women that are 9's in society market place value when Im a 3; They will not appreciate me.
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I am a great guy and very spiritual and sensitive... I might do very well in relationships because of it; but no one in the market-place cares about my interesting great personality and wisdom.
They want to see my career; my money; my car; my goals; what I look like. Am I in shape; well kept; no fat!
How attractive am I and No Fat; #1 issues in market value. attitude has much to do with getting a bit more attractive and losing that weight...
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NOTE: I have God... Universe; Laws of attraction; recovery process; Im not alone. Success based programs for changing my thinking. ALl good; This is a private boost; it does not add market value...
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Q. What have I done to improve myself in ways that women want...
This is the best question I can ask right now and work on with my higher power....
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The State of Marriage in 2023; Never in history has such a thing sucked more... For a man to get married who owns anything; its perfect monetary suicide and he can have his kids taken from him. He can be forced to pay for another mans kids until they turn 18... And many other bad laws...
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Women in Western Hemisphere don't exactly have wonderful pleasing accommodating personality anymore... They have an almost masculine difficultness and lack of respect for anything anymore...
Im speaking from forms of experience... Ive certainly met some of these people. They scare me; They have no concious about dating or how they treat dates or those they date; its like thiers no internal person; only external. The women Ive met hate... They are hostile toward men; its almost as if they want men killed. How or why would any man want anything to do with women like this! These women dont want to cook; they dont want to stay home and take care of the kids... They just want a luxury life style.
Women are not something that men fear; Women tho; can make a man sick to his stomach by their masculine behavior... Its not attractive at all.. it sickens men completely. Their lack of respect to decent men or honest men is a complete set of idiotic mysteries.. I understand the nature of contempt; I get it; but to hate someone who has done nothing to me? Someone I dont know? I get it...
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Im my case; Im older; and I know my value as a person; I get nothing but complete shaming; and I mean thats all its been for years and years and years... Fierce attack shaming... I know women who will not associate with me; nothing. My internal self means nothing to them; No value; nothing; Its incredible; incredibly eveil! Its based on how I dress and what i own... Not who I am.
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NOTE: I pray on the ground all the time; This is another turn of to some women Ive met; a dependency on God...
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I have no idea who God will set me up with going down my God Pathway... Manifest; I dont know.
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I know I have to lose weight...
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I have to get through my First Love.
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FIRST LOVE: Where am I in all of this?;
Well; Im writing scripting or dialog; I play both parts; I talk to her showing all my feelings and I then write; representing her voice; " Ok Omnicell". That is basically all she ever gets to say.
So; I have to learn how to tell her everything about myself and how I feel about her or felt about her and what I wanted; really wanted and how I really really felt about her... To a point that I thoroughly move beyond the magical center middle mark of communication and find myself telling her everything until There's nothing more to tell. until I and GOd are satisfied with my ability to communicate with someone again; That Ive got my voice back and Im using it; not passively but assertively.
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NOTE: FIRST LOVE: In reality; There was no First Love because no one existed as this nice girl I dreamed up; The actual person was a crude low life individual playing people; who probably should never be remembered; Who I should have never met...
No Responsibility; I got played simply because I associated with this filth at that moment; nothing else exists... A decent person would have just walked out immediately. Im trying to make nothing into something here; thats all this was. What is the need for me to make nothing into something. The other person did not see this situation as important or even rememberable... Im still in a fog or dream world over this or denial because I walked into the house of some scumbag that any normal person would have walked right out. For some reason; Ive continued to have to make them into a saint. When they were nothing but a stranger playing someone. I handled the situation wrongly; they were never safe to start with; to even be in that house. I did not belong there. Hopefully with time I can accept what this person wasnt and come to my senses... It does require all this writing and work... And Ill continue with this work.
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FIRST LOVE: I turned a complete stranger into one of my fantasies; thats all that happened... It was a mistake because this person was a mistaken identity. I guess I needed some place to hide; So I took her movements; her behaviors and tied them into a bigger fantasy scenario; One I kept to myself. I then moved on; However; for some reason; part of me stayed; In my mind part of me stayed with her; I guess out of desperation... I created this false love for my own preservation. Its obvious to me nothing existed here. I meant nothing to this person. Im not sure what the need is to created a limerence state with someone that wasnt even how I described. Just because I needed to belong somewhere; I take an unqualified stranger; actually someone with no character or conscious and try to turn them into a human being and someone I wanted a relationship with? I guess so. I guess thats the beginning of honesty. I had crush on someone and I kept it to myself. I didnt have the guts to follow through with it. The actual person never found me of any valuable commodity. However; I wasnt even at my house; I was visiting there house. I was just a silent visiter... Hopefully in the end I can pull back and look at this ethically. No one wanted a relationship; I was simply invited up to someone's house; I wasnt invited any further...
So; at some point Ill allow myself to see this individual for what they were and my position of invitation as nothing more then that; an invitation for a brief moment...and then I ought to have left. As I was invited to no more then this. Actually; looking back; I should have never gone. I know at some point Ill accept the reality of this nightmare...
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FIRST LOVE: THe hardest part was; She didnt get me! She did not connect with me... or 2 me.. She did not understand me; nothing! She was really a complete stranger... She was interested in being friends; she was not my friend... She was not interested; She had no attraction for me... Nothing! So; I had to pull everything back; and leave...
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NOTE: This situation with First Love has to be figured out completely. Ultimately it seems this was nothing more then a criminal. And for some unGodly reason; I turned this unsafe and complete stranger into something. Why? Im not sure; I think I had this pre idea of what life is; coming from God... And coming from the Bible. I was looking for my wife; the type of wife described in the bible. I just assumed this person was it. I was Wrong! And thats where the fear and loathing and confusion start. My story about FIrst Love is just as much about me being wrong; picking the wrong person, not admitting it and trying to cover it up. I picked a fantasy girl well out of my league.. a complete stranger; and not a very good one. But even that is non of my business. I picked the wrong person; THats whats got me bent out of shape. ANd I have to own up to that. I not only made a fool out of me; I embarrassed the girl. She did not understand my advances or whom I was. I felt so overwritten with humiliation I ran off. I was devastated and heartbroken. I had not found my true love. I had been fantasizing and brought it into an open realm without permission from those around me. What I was left with was a humiliation of embarrassment and no Love; no FIrst Love; nothing. Just embarrassment.. From there I left being the same guy I was going into this.. Nothing; and lost. And maybe thats emotionally where I need to start out with GOd... ANd start over with nothing again.. Its not easy believing and realizing I had made a big big mistake.
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NOTE: I think what happened here. I Forgot to take GOd. IF I had been under GOds care; I would have been stopped in my tracks and gone no further... I would have never left my bedroom of the house I was living in. An innocent person with no future; no development would have started out somewhere completely different... And Ive Got to ask GOD where that place would be...
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NOTE: My maturity level has grown. ( in many ways Im not 16 yet() in many ways Im grade school age and 12,13,14,15)Im 18 in maturity or in my 20's; in some areas. This maturity inventory is a gambling process at best right now... Im so new to changes in these areas... Never before as an adult have I had changes like this; nor when I was a teenager... And before that I was being destroyed; so....
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FIRST LOVE; So; I was sitting with God; and God wanted me to go in a specific direction; and for some reason I got altered into another direction; and it was an evil direction... an opening to evil. It was a mistake.. I met someone who did not recognize me or find me attractive or like me or relate to me or want me; Nothing.. I could go on about them; However; I made a mistake. I was looking for something God had sent me; and I had gone down the wrong pathway... what I was looking for; God had not sent me down a pathway yet; So; why was I going down this other pathway... I was looking for what was in the Bible. And I ended up in a place of evil and evil people. I made a mistake; and thus Im trying to correct that mistake... No one liked me or recognized me at that residence.
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Car;
My maturity for a car has grown... but not enough to do anything about it; not yet; Im still delusional; and not in reality yet... My mind is still not strong enough to be in the present; PTSD CPTSD and AVPD and Dissociative dissorder... And other things.
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NOTE: On Changing;
So; I was at the Art Spot in town; a place I like to create Art; a street permanently blocked off; Next to the coffee shops... lots of table and umbrellas...
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So I saw this kid in front of me at a table; lost; I felt it; he would get up and walk and go sit back down; He may have been drugged; I dont know.... I could feel it tho; In the real world he wasnt that much further in brokenness then I am... I sat and prayed about it and just sat their and made Art.
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I saw these couples go by; I could see it may have frustrated him; I was certainly frustrating me. What am I going to do about my frustration; Wish them well; take a deep breath pray and get used to it and dont escape; AVPD... Im learning to sit there.
My mind has been trained to dissociate... Now; Its just got this strange squarely feeling to everything; Like Ive been someplace sitting to long along with no friends; that feeling of panic... Im I start comparing myself to the world around me.
I have a gap between me and the rest of the world...
So; I have a whole world to learn about making new friends; trusting and working with God; taking chances...
I have a huge ego...
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EGO;
I sat down at the music computer to attempt to write some music and come out of survival mode; I felt so elitist; like " IM BETTER THEN THIS". However; it just dont work to think like this and let it affect me anymore. Ive got this elitist fantasy life where I dont have to live on anything man made in reality. I can just create a fantasy around it... I dont have to work at anything.
I can just live in my fantasy; Well; Those days are over because I say they are over.
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It seems when anything is something I have to commit to or work at; I immediately stop and go into fantasy land. Now Im asking GOd to help me stick to my goals.
I want to write music and go out and perform it; but Im like one of those gurls on Tictok " Im a princes queen from tictok and Im waiting for Chad to sweep me off my feet videos". I mean; What gives; its like im 2 good to have to do any work. My goal is stay present during this and not fly off emotionally into my nervous system and hide every time I have a desire but I have to work at it.
I dont have a work ethic of any kind on my own. I gave it up early in my life when I was stripped of my life; I no longer cared about anything anymore. Well Now; I give a damn... I care about my life again; and now; if I want to participate in it; Im going to learn how to work at something so I can accomplish something for the first time; at least good enough to put out in front of people. Something; anything; And it starts with the arts for me! I mean; that is the idea; The actual reality is; I dont know... Ill keep working with God to slowly open things up very slowly; I am a very ruptured person; that is the reality for this kind of thing... I just want to learn how to open up slowly again and see what happens.
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I have to trust and work with God to learn how to stand up for myself and what I believe and what i want and what I want to go after! I gave all of that up after severe abuse; sexual abuse and many other bad things.
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RESPONDABILITY:
Im starting to understand I did not take any responsibility in college for anything or with women in relationships or who I really wanted to be with. Yes; I was filled with mental illness and at times lots of beer and smoke... However; I was never here; never in reality and no one cared. Now; Im challenging this for the first real time. Im on the edge of it.
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I will say this; its horrible at first because; finally get my life together and its over for ever getting anything back from the past.
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I have a lot of work to do with God to get up to speed and be present and my mind active and working at something in a consistent manner.. Im getting there; Im watching the changes occur slowly.
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NOTE: I think what Im trying to do is go back to my grade school years; and start over emotionally and spiritually and start developing again from that point metaphorically speaking. Figuring out who I was suppose to be in this life; working with God to get rearranged back into my alignment and start from there...
INSIDE OUTSIDE>
Inside at the computer I am comfortable and safe. Outside; is a different story on how I feel about myself. I feel much less then; not worth much in market value... I dont trust people. When I get close to others its nothing but judgement and completeness; With women its either rejection, shaming or no respect... And I mean; thats all it is... Nothing!
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Number one issue I need to get under control is weight gain...
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THE GAP: A gap remains between where IM at and taking control of my own brain in the present for the present; a situation where Im in control of my Destiny and I believe; A place where Im running my own life at the standards Im interested in; A place where Im working on building this life into something I can take to a place Im interested in; building a better life for myself. Im getting closer.. However; its edged right up against mental illness and ruptering problems in my nervous system. So; I have lots of challenges... Ill continue to work at it....
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Their is a whole world out here. Ill ask God if I cannot explore some of it...
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A giant divide; a giant block between me and reality... A giant gap... Today; its about staying close inline with the universe and God aligned; stay aligned and wait and work with God down my God pathway... look for signs; keep working at it...
At some point Ill want to jump! Move forward; move on... Be in the present... jump; be present again... Something...
This is where Im stuck all the time. Its like being a 4th grader for the rest of my life; I hate it... I cant seem to move beyond it... However; Ive been taught how; Ill continue to advance the best I can and talk to God about it on a dialy basis and keep praying for safe assistance and help...
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Right now I go to a bunch of meetings; 12 step meetings; They work to keep things alive; However; Im at this place I have to do the outside work to move beyond where Im at... Ill pray about it...
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I still have the fears of a 4th grader; scared of bullies; scared of being rejected; scared of not being enough. Scared of being laughed at not accepted; worrying about what others think of me; and so on...
No status out in life because Im a real person with real problem.
Lack of direction of where Im suppose to go to get the help I need so I can mature in areas... Get past he traumas of my past... safe spaces.
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I cant buy a car; Im to immature... I mean that. Im not in that space; that teen time period; Nothing. its like Im looking at it from outside in; Im not in there....
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I feel stuck in these meetings; Im not sure where else a home resides; I dont know... I know that what I have to work on has to be worked on. And I need support for it... And so I go to meetings...
Ill keep working with God on stuff. I dont know!
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Lack of maturity; Eating...
How am I going to stop eating and lose weight unless the character is developed to stop eating and lose weight...
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So; I have to learn how to not eat!
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IF I want to learn how to meet new women; I have to learn how to meet new women... Im pissed off and angry at God... THere is a giant wall and or Gap; like a mote between me and my future...
SO; I have to work with God to move on from it and I dont understand why God wont let me GO!
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Why I cant move on!
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Ill have to do this thing the way I did music and art... Is it getting closer concerning women; maybe!
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Ill get to the point where Im up front and present and meeting new women and new people and take what ever I take... What ever happens...
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Its not about being ready for it... I can feel it; Im not up to speed with anything; I feel like a 13 year old... Ill talk to God about it; try to get honest about it...
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Im angry about this; very brutally enraged about this; not being anymore then a 12 year old on things; Im wanting to blame others; and Ive got to work with God to get further.. But I dont know how yet... I dont know...
Ive got to let go of things... Keep working through the past; especially time periods dealing with sexual abuse and before that.
Im pissed of about something. Ill have to go back in my past and relook at everything and see where it went wrong and what I was suppose to be getting from my parents and God and others so I can grow into the right person or something... Something is missing... Im pissed off.
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Im getting answers for some aspects of life; Art creating and women.
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Ive worked for a lot of years when mentally ill to keep concepts alive... talking about them everyday... I did this with Art.
After Art work starting happening in the real world; the walls and bottlenecks surrounding art and I was able to start drawing or creating again; it was painfully slow and cumbersome. And it will not change; once opened; that box had to be expanded month by month; year by years; and in many cases; nothing came of it; months would go by with no expansion; However; that box was open... and soon a new strategy would be given me by the universe and Id have at it again. At this point; if I keep this up; At some point; ill start making bigger more serious pictures. Right now; Im at primal level; finally they are a bit more then stick figures; but not much; some color and same shapes... At some point Ill get back more power in my painting and create more important work that is closer to my deeper self and with my message attached to it. To open that again? That has not been opened since college.. And that was half a century ago....
So; as Ive explained; its like a grind even tho things got opened up; but its a working system; its crude; its almost underground like; simplistic spartenistic... rough... Roman soldier pursuit; meaning ruff n tuff... Blue color philosophy work ethic with a white color subject. And it a grind; drawn out; not knowing if anything would take off ever; but it had been already taking off as soon as it was found untrapped and sprung to life again. Its just that I had to grow it everyday; and that has taken a few years... And its about to break open a bit... ANd Ive been looking forward to this self actualization...
I haven't made that much Art work yet; I haven't been committed to the actual physical process in a long time. Ive been working on the philosophy of how to bring the concept of Art from fantasy back into reality; and I did this with Gods help 3 years ago or something... it finally came forth after years of getting better mentally...
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Im learning a great deal.
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God has shown me my dating life will be no different; it will be just as ruff as bringing the Art work to life. if I want women in my life again; I will rebirth the concept into existence and then it will be day by day until my work ethic of pursuit of a thing is strengthened; This means my courtship of women; I must become a courtier of ladies. I must learn the fine art of flirting with women again and being around women and inviting women over and doing things with women.
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The universe is sending me a message concerning the lesson Im learning bout women; I will slowly smooth up into them; into their lives one women at a time; gaining experience as I go! each day more experience; more grind until Im a better person and a stronger person to handle that kind of interactions... I will become better with women through work ethic... It will be just like my Art work...
its all work...
I have to work at things; Nothing is free; thats whats bugging me! its hard work....
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Trusting GOd.... Working with GOd universe...
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NOTE; Best Friend growing up; And First Love; Both must be done away with within my conscious mind; no more interest; no more connection.
In the case of Best Friend; That has been accomplished.
In the case of First Love; Getting there; Getting closer; All emotional information of connection must be ripped away until the only thing left is the shell; and that would be defined as; She would be defined as; a Liar con artist playing someone for sport; Very much like my Best Friend...
Once at this level of a shell; or base; Its much easier to discard her permanently; and the proof is much easier to see for her to be found a fraud; and thus discarded processed worked through and banished... Getting closer... This means; she is proven not to be my friend.. That she never had any real interest in me... I had mistaken her as someone that might have been interested.
She was not someone that wanted to help me... And more proof of this is needed... With the goal; if this person can be proven they were not out to help me or care about what happened to nor God was calling them to be a helper; if this can be proven... its much easier to get rid of them out of my nervous system; And that is the goal.
My Fake Best Friend; He is gone! No issues; no problems; I know to much about that person and his family; they are truly strangers I would never recommend anyone associating with. First Love; Well; Yes; getting very close. Still; must get closer to shedding any fake emotional involvement I may have fallen for... I have to get that delusion out of my system... And that will take time.
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I took information from FIRST LOVE: From her behavior; her words or actions and attitudes and I formed my own opinion of what existed and what potential may have existed; And; I was completely wrong on all fronts... This was a stunning shock to me that turned me to sand; it melted me down to nothing; I was completely wrong; This was a stranger not interested in me. I just wanted to run and hide and go away and never come back to the human race.
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