OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:00 pm

Ive tried to write this thing 4 times...

Just played a drum solo in church... It was not Brian.. It was me...

I don't know who I am... I do not have a name... I have a catalog of memories going by... not to many, mainly when I was young, at a very early age in Golden-dale, and when I was with my Grandmother.. Age 11or 12....

I see memories trying to see if someone calls my name.. Im getting strange names... Craig? Im not sure.. I don't have a name... Im not him. Im not brian... That I know for sure... I suck my thumb.. or bite on it... It seems normal to put in my mouth... I feel OK... I think...

I remember being the other me around Lance.... I was never Brian when I was around Lance... I was never me around anyone... I was hidden... I looked from beneath....

I remember the memories... the life that was taken from me.... I don't miss it.. it was not real.. if it had been the fantasy I thought it was... Why did no one rescue me? The fantasy was great was it not... I am not fooled by these people or any others... Yet, their was no where to hide. I turn from them, and go where, I do know where.. All is lost.. Now I walk the Plank...

I hate all of this... Im not sure what to think... I see memories of when I was molested very young.. Im fighting back, Im being beat up... Very young... ripping and tearing.... I have very small memories of ? I have no name... I have a strength.... I don't care what people think, like Brian does, he cares what people think...

I have to fight against my mother... His mother.. Brains mother... Because she was not my mother I never listened to her.... She meant nothing to me.... I did not know her... Nor did I need to or care. The father in the house was a strange bloke.. Always getting into trouble. And unruly character, he was in and out all the time and broke to boot...

people have been leaving me... They think Im brian and Im weak... just like dear old mum... It didn't phase me... Nothing does.

12 step people don't look right to me. Something is different... My memory bank is different... Im remembering when I lived with my Grandmother.... the park... The girl that was my girl friend when I was 10 or 11..... seems younger. I wasn't younger... Makes me sick now that I think this family abandon me at such an early age... Horrible... Like they never knew me...

The eyes see.. They are seeing... This is me.... Im seeing from sadness, the truth..... The horror... No one came back to rescue me.. I was abandon for ever.... They are still trying to hate me.. Others....

Im not sure ... Im not sure who I am....

I don't function.. Not in the real world, the outside world... I would kill myself first before I would be apart of that... I want to kill myself.... I don't want this anymore.... I feel like Im in 6 dreams...

Im in this little apartment... I go to these 12 step meetings... Why.!! Im in this small town... Why!! How did I get here....... Why!!

When people at the meeting call me brian , I feel uncomfortable... They don't know brian... They only have seen me... And they don't know me....

I just want to go to sleep for ever...

The memories that come with this are causing great anxiety/pain

The memories are causing great tragedy, they are changing the face of identity...

I am not who I thought I was. When I felt loved I felt OK/I felt safe. When I feel safe I feel better....

When I was a child their were at least 2 of me.... I was hidden watching everything while brian was on the outside. I am his alter/ his other personality/I protect him that I may protect myself. I am appearing as he is not the first.... I am not the only one, their are others. I remember his childhood, he does not, he was not present. I am in great pain....

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I want this to pass so I can go back to making hip hop music.....

This may be the only way Im forced to deal with and see old memories... I...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Mar 20, 2012 5:14 pm

A new sector has opened up in my recovery, The sector of the spider.

conquer/conquered

vanish

I people please to survive. Im waiting...

Prejudice

Its heart braking to stand up

Im trying to start where I was stolen from...

Im under attack

Im not enough

My attacks are more subtle, not less wearing.

Do not give what is holy to the dogs...

The kindest deeds of the wicked are still cruel..

Do not give ones pearls to pigs and swine lest they trample you under there feet, turn and tear you into pieces...

Thugs and thug princesezz...

fake...

looks

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Help me,

I live in a police state....

marching and smiling...

Poor person or soldier

With status people die..

worship/shutdown

Affluence

attack

all alone... abandon in a field/silence

open

dialog...

disrespect

thug elite...

composure

Im still not able to say what I need to say.. what I want to say.. Its about having the freedom to speak and grow and learn... To express freely without being shut down...

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Mar 16, 2012 9:37 pm

Im not Brian... Ive been telling myself this all day... Ive been through this before... Before, when I would ride my bike and cry... I would tell myself that I don't know that person, its not me.. Im not named Brian... Who is Brian and why do they keep calling me this name.... Ive never been brian ... I don't know him... I feel like Im getting smothered when they call me this. I don't know how to respond to it. I feel much better being me... not him.... IVe never been him.. It is him that has caused all of this.. All of this upheaval. All of this pain.... I hate having to respond to him... Im not him. Why wont they leave me alone.. What did I do to deserve all of this... Im not the one suffering , he is...
Im the one that plays the drums.... Im the one that pays the bills not him... He plays outside... He rides the bikes...... At-least when he was young he would ride bikes. When he was 8 years old... by the time he was 9 he was dead... .

I feel more myself when Im not him..... When Im him I secretly want to be me... Im always me.. He is the secret... When others call me Brian I get nervous and don't know how to respond... Im not sure what they want or who they are talking to.. or talking about.. Im not sure. I know they want something. A little I don't have...

I don't know my name.... Im not sure... Im sure who I am...... Im not Brian... Brian Died... he has been gone long ago..... I don't like it when my personalty has to change. Change into something or someone I don't like just to feel safe... I don't want to change or shift anymore... Im not sure how the world looks Or who I am...

Who sent that stupid letter to that women. It wasn't me.. I wouldn't involve her in my business or make deals with her... This is crazy.... She thinks Im crazy. She doesn't understand, it wasn't me. I would never make deals with her. I would never get involved with her in the first place. It was brian coming up from the dead again...

Brain cant make decisions... that is because he is dead... Someone else was making the decisions... Hmmm... Someone else....

People think they know me. They do not.. I am secretly me not him... When the time is right I will reveal myself.... But why. Why do I have to....

by **OMNICELL** on Fri Mar 16, 2012 12:56 am

They want me to buy a house and get a job....

Why cant I find friends... Its terrifying to look through people to find the right ones..

Im the dog and they are the Horse Buggy, Carriage, Sleigh and Stagecoach. I pull them in the snow. They drink soda..

My decision or there decision.. they don't know me... They never wanted to know me.. I am an object..

Its enough to be on SSI... I would have killed my self anyway, I think about dying all the time.. I would do it. I would. I don't care... I don't give a ###$ either way...

Relationships:

Im afraid she will see all the porn I watch.

SSI:

Why do they think everyone is faking it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why would a well educated man like myself thro away his whole life for 650 bucks a month and have no girl friends...

Its against the law to be on SSI for a nut check and be able to communicate

This small town... On one hand I am safe.. On the other I am condemned...

My condition is a condition that repeats itself. It is like Diabetes... It never goes away..

I have learned a few things.. Don't tell anyone its a mind thing, or problem.. tell them you have blood transfusion problems or something. Or your rich uncle left you some money to live on each month.. Don't mention Nutsville... You will be judged for the rest of your eternity ######6 life..

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IF you get better, if you try to get better:

You will be judged..

When you tell the truth people think you are weak...

So many girls think they have upper status above me... They are so ######6 brain dead.

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PTST: One cannot react to the outside world through movement.

Pressure:

Some people do not want to listen to my diagnosis.. they want to create it for me and spill it back to me... they are not interested in my opinion. They have there own.... alone..

I am treated like a second class citizen... Its all fascinating.. It a bit scary...
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Sites like Psych Forum are great, because I don't have to explain. I can be.....

by **OMNICELL** on Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:18 am

I have to make some beats, its the only way.. do some drumming. Still thinking about buying NI Maschine

I am 50 years old. Hmmm.

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Im on a curious journey no one wants to admit or validate...

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I wish they would leave me alone. Im not accepted///

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I was laughed at today
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I loved this girl and cant let go.. I lost her....!!! She found out I was a crazy, and I couldn't support her.. The inside of me meant nothing to her... I don't get it. I never will....

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People think Im lying. This leaves me hopeless and confused.. I want to run and hide away for ever...
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Now I will start over!

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