OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Apr 16, 2012 3:22 am

Self perception:

I can look a specific way or ignite a sense of enrichment. Is it me or a perception!. On one hand I look rich while Im poor. On the other hand I can look poor as I am culturally wealthy. Who am I. I pose that question to the onlooker. I pose that question to myself.

I hate predictability. I look or dress a certain fashionable, I am judged that I aught to be the image that I dress.

I act the sophisticate, therefore, I must have monetary wealth or come from wealth. Who am I. I pose that question to the onlooker; to myself.

I cant wake up. My mind is to weak. Ive been here before, many years ago. My mind has been damaged. It doesn't matter what I look like, How wealthy my imagination. It makes no difference who I know, or what potential I have. I have a limited capacity to be present. Within the presentness, I have a limited capacity to engage. I look like I can engage, I attract like I can engage. I cannot engage.
From a distance, everything looks possible. Closer forward, things are not what they appear.

Wishful thinking:
At any given moment, things can go my way. Im having a better day, I look better, More resolute, a sound mind. However, the emotional dissociative barometer reads by the hour, not by the life time. Anything can and will change in short moments. One morning Im feeling sophisticated, looking sophisticated. The next morning I feel like a teenager, I dress and act like a teenager. I have no stability of identity; I switch to often for countability. My mind cannot be counted on. My principals can achieve whiskful solidarity, my mind cannot.

Misperceptions:

I refuse to tell anyone anything about myself. I have associated with people at a distance. I continue to associate with people at a distance. Until someone is smart enough to ask the right questions I will not participate. Unless someone asked any questions, I will retaliate. I will not sell myself to the lowest bidder. I might to the highest. They better have a higher IQ then the average seedPole. Hmmm.

Im attempting to build a life for the third time.
Ive been here before, Ive been to this part of the world, mind inside mind. It feels like walking on a tightrope. I must not fall of off this tight rope. I cannot handle the stress of being thrown to the wolves to be eaten alive.
If I didn't live in America I would be dead, my mind would not survive it. I could never handle the outside world. Im not suggesting all is lost or all is bad, I am learning a new way to live. I doubt I will ever be able to completely function on my own. Alas, My brain will collapse within itself from the pressure. That is the way of things. It is damage. I look forward to getting away from, or staying away from those that refuse to understand this condition.

I will continue to venture out and get well. As well as I can. I owe no one an explanation for this. for my condition. No one!.

Goals:
Learning to connect..
Art continues to grow
New mountain bikes
Telescope stuff would be nice
music equipment
For the future 50%/50% ratio for toys vs relationships. I should have a personal law that implies; for every new toy I must have one real relationship to counter the balance. Isolation vs relationships. I need both.

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Apr 14, 2012 2:22 am

Still a bit shaky, better then a few days ago.

SLowly moving forward

Art creation is picking up; drums are moving into a beginning-advanced stage of exploration. Drum technique is of the professional nature. Im at the beginning of this stage. This aint bad for a guy who didn't know who he was a few years ago.. Piano and song writing is slowly heading forward. Compositions through computer software is challenging. Im up for this challenge. Im slowly heading forward as I experiment with musical ideas.

Art creation is extremely important to my mental health. First, it creates goals. I keep my mind on goals and not on unhealthy anxieties. Secondly, Im outside away from the apartment. Thus, isolation is halted.
I like to go to church!. I play and practice drums on off hours at my church. Also, I practice the piano and create my songs. I get to beat the $#%^ out of things creatively, this lets out tension. Also, Singing allows tension build up to be released through vocal exercises and yell/singing to my death punk metal piano pieces. Creative expression works both sides of the body; Right arms, left arms, right leg, left leg, this is a very healthy thing. My imagination is worked, and I accomplish the finishing of a creation. creating is good for a person.

Assassination or acceptance, that depends on how well I write my electronic letters.
As I wake up, spelling and grammar are becoming more important. I have Grammar sites for study. I am dyslexic so spelling is up to the spell checker.
I will have to learn how to write again. Iv'e been mentally gone for so many years that I did not spend anytime at a computer for writing. Im now waking up to this interesting situation.

People/
The internet:
Reaching out to people has been the focal point of interest. Lately Ive attempted connection in the real world. Its been ######6 scary as hell. Im doing it. Im finding that Im not getting rejected. Yet, I have no development dealing with people. Im afraid my immaturity is going to cause human connection trouble for some time. However, its all about practice at this point. People come and people go. I will continue to work on my presentation as a caring person. ITs not as easy as it looks when dealing with people. Im slowly learning the art of listening and communication through trial and error.

People in person:
Dealing with people face to face is less fearful. Dissociative disorder is still alive and well. And, Im not giving my power away like I used to. Im learning to keep my neediness for God. The less needy I am around people, the less power they have over me. Its not easy. Its all work.
I don't like being judged by people; I stay away from judgers. Unless I feel someone is genuine and has my interests at heart, I refrain from association. However,I feel safe around kind understanding people. I hate backstabbers. Even more, I hate gamers ruining my life . Im a simple person, I like and appreciate authentic decent kind people.

Its attraction not promotion

As I throw myself out into the world I gain experience,I gain wisdom,I get beat-up. Im not alone anymore.

What is mental stability?

Im less Afraid now. \Just a little bit less afraid.

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Went walking around tonight. Im still sick.. all my life with this condition. Its everywhere in me. Im lucky to be alive. Acceptance is the key... Growing up didn't turn out how I planned . I didn't know my family was the SS Third Reich. Time to let go and let God.

Writing these blogs has been very therapeutic in my later recovery process.

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:14 am

Im a bit shaky today...

Long Blog, I will paraphrase:

Who am I in the scheme of things. Why am I so alone all the time. Misunderstood all the time. Im a decent person, yet, I have no real friends. Nothing. Its very difficult and strange. I know the intellectual answers, thats not what Im asking. I am afraid of rejection from people, simply because they have the power. No one has to accept me or like me. Because of this stress, I stay in a controlled dream world, a safer place. A more lonely place.
The answer is God and courage and letting go of the outcome. I cannot control others. Nor can I afford to get involved with individuals or groups if they flake on me all the time. I have to learn to get my needs met from God and help others... I feel so worthless to the world, like I have no value...

I have been reaching out lately. I have been doing what Ive said Im going to do. It is hard, terrifying. It is stressful. I have not gotten rejected yet. I have made new acquaintance. They come and go, I am not of there most important thoughts. One has to let go of the outcome, keep plugging away at it.

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Blog 50

Dealing with others: Some of the girls in my meetings look "O" so Yummy! I know when girls like me. They start show'n up around me. I know how girls are... YEt I get intimidated. They look so good... I was just fantasizing about them, Now their staring me down.. And so young, not all, not that it matters. Everything is legal, but its close... Girls are girls, older girl-women are still women-girls. ( is this real or fantasy, as the Queen song would say). I don't know what people think of me. Until I do, Im dreaming or guessing or fantasizing, Nothing more. When I ask someone out, I will know.

Im to immature to date.. Im not at that point. The mental illness took its toll on me, especially dealing with maturity and relationships... The PTSD is what Im married to, or martyred , murdered to.

I want all those girls, yet Im afraid. Im afraid they will know Im thinking bad things. Women have power over me, Im not sure how to describe it. They hypnotize me... Im taken by them. Im left floating like a soap flake.

Man must approach a women. He has to... Man has to build status and attraction.. He must, or no go. I will practice saying hello, Just saying hello and leaving. Im so close to doing this. Im still to dissociative. Im getting better. Im getting closer. So close. Its about being afraid of rejection. Yet, Im finding the girls, other people are scared just like me. Scared of this life. They just put up such a big act.. It scares me, the rejection front they put on. Im wondering why I should bother to play this game if they are dishonest to start with. Its all confusing for me... I guess a person takes their chances. Its that simple. When I stop being a puss, things will get better, Ill get some action..

Im scared to death about the porn... Im not sure. its not the porn, its the girls reactions to it. Not just "it", but more then "it". Her reactions to allot of things that may not make sense to a normal girl. Im frightened that I will frighten her away... more, that I would have to change. HMmm..... I want my cave... Its mine. Its safe..

Biggest problems: My apartment is a working art of destruction. I can evaluate my mental condition on my apartments condition. Usually when my apartment is thrashed, it means Im going through mental tribulation. I cannot react to things, or interact to things. I am not present. I do not control it. I cant control it.

I cannot will myself into a new way of thinking. My thinking is plagued by the atrocities I saw, witnessed and was ran through,. different forms of torture leave their marks, they have left me crippled. My mind is weak, very weak. Its a good mind, a nice mind. Well, that all depends on who is occupying...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:41 am

I was at a meeting tonight, Im always assessing my condition when around others. Specifically around others in close proximity. How many people are in the room?

I had a very good assessment of things tonight!

1. Still, great problems when physically close to people. Well, I can sit by them, interacting with them is a problem. If anyone is none accepting of me or aggressive I shut down dissociatively. Im a bit stronger then I used to be. I would mention as well, that people dealing with such severities as dissociative disorder, agoraphobia, avoidance anxiety, depression learn the hard way to fake it through things as best as possible. This may be a loosing proposition, yet one attempts it. Things are better now. Im stronger, and healing.

2. The room in general:

Tonight, around 40 people crowded into a large upper room of an old brick church. I found a seat in the back, makes it easier to track people. I need to track people to feel safe. Lots of visual and audio noise.. I was OK..

3. Personal contact: this is a great problem as I give off defensive signals when people are smiling at me to say hello. Im freaked so Im not friendly. I smile that none trusting look smile. Or I hesitate around people giving off a signal of mistrust to others. It hurts. Im used to it. Its what I go through to get the recovery I need. And slowly I get the recovery I need. I am healing.
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General condition"
not bad.... considering...

1. Dealing with severe PTSD more then dissociation at this point. THis is a huge thing...

2. Not passing out anymore when switching personalities.. However, Im switching personalities. Its wild. Ive gone through 6 different personalities with different memory systems in the last several days. Each personality has its strong points and memory systems that I had not remembered. Yet, each personality was missing something from the other fragmented personalities. So each personality was incomplete.

ITs like falling into slots. Each personalty would fall into the correct slot for an allotted amount of time. Then would move on. The next personality would jump into that vacant slot and taker over for its allotted time. And on and on it goes.. after 6 different personalities coming and going, Im exhausted from it.. Im OK. This is a healing experience. No Passing out. that is the great thing. This was done in the open. I would change on the spot into another part of me. I could watch it happening.. Its a very strange and unique thing to go through. Well, Im not allowed to be present at that extreme moment of change. Very close tho. I am improving , I am healing...

Social avoidance anxiety plays a huge roll in my social expression ineptness. As I come back together, this is very subtly fading. Ever in very small increments, I am getting better. Im healing
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I am the nicest guy in the world. Thats what I used to be. I was a major target as well. I was ruined and destroyed because of my innocence. I was simply brutally raped, murdered tortured and abandoned in 100 different ways, and permanently thrown away for ever.. From ritualistic abuse when I was small, to more sophisticated humiliations of social forced isolation when older, either way, Ive died a thousand deaths... However, at this point. Im back.!!!

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FACE-BOOK:

I said I would never go back to that ######6 place ever again. I hate Facebook and the whole concept of a pseudo human plastic reality experience.

All of those false friends that want to be my friends. All of those popular people in my high school that could care less who I was, Now, flaunting their pictures in front of me, wanting me to contact them that they gain social status and positioning by one more rank-mark on the FB checkerboard. No Thanks, it makes me sick...
The last time I was on face book, I closed off my account. I ended up with three friends, people I thought...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:46 am

Im doing better.

Im feeling better about myself. Im still extremely dysfunctional. Its a bit of a let -down. I was hoping for more. My symptoms are still very alive.

Its hard. When Im at the computer and feel safe at home, I assume all will be improved around people in uncontrolled situations. I feel I will be safe. This does not happen. Its sad

Im looking for continued progress in my music experience.

I feel like Im trapped on a desert island. In my mind I imagine safety, to be in a world that I could function. The outside world is not the world in my head. A backward world, that is what I see. A world that will eat me, like a cobra eating grammar dinner at an adverb party.

Life feels like one long dysfunctional isolated introduction. No one knows who I am, what Im worth. To die in obscurity. Does it have to be this way...

To be judged on shallow grounds: The goal is to sweep the legs out from under thee. To be chased by the pirate ship. Is this it; this disparaging arrangement!

Social issues are a balloon that is flying away... out of control. The small world I live in is to small. ITs made for a child. I cant get out.

To be misunderstood and disliked. To be feared as a bad object or bad toy by others of privilege. To be in there world, not my world. To be in a world where I have been given a break. Granting me audience with their presence.
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Its funny how I try and write that I communicate how I feel, instead of just saying whats really going on.

Im afraid of the outside world. Its all to much for me. I feel weak and stupid.

I feel fine sitting, hiding at my computer. Im on an origami make shift Japanese cushion thing in the corner of the room.. Its a safe place to crawl into and hide.

I am disabled. I don't like it. My nervous system cannot take the outside world. The last round I had turned me into a Schizophrenic.. The rest of the world, does not understand me. In this case, I think its legitimate to bitch about the fact that Im not understood. Im not trying to put the weight on others, However, Im not understood.

Im a foreigner in my own land. I don't fit in. Im to real, to much on speaking about what I see and how I feel. I want to tell the world what I see and truths that are rolling around in my head. I was never meant to sell widgets to people...

I feel people are privileged and protected and have no appreciation for it.. I have no idea how to cope with privileged people, I want to run from them.

I was popular once a long time ago. I got hurt. That is all that came of it. Hurt and abandonment. I learned my lessons in the most horrible way. I was treated horribly. I will never go through that again.

I see the world through a monitor screen, through a TV shows of the 1960's. Anything more real then that and I parish in sadness and confusion. I was meant for unreality. Unreality is the only place I can be the real me..

52 Self Perception and the perception of others

Blog 51 Moving forward

Blog 50

Blog 49

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