OMNICELL's Blog

by **OMNICELL** on Tue Apr 29, 2025 5:42 am

For the last 2 weeks; its been torture. Ive never opened up honestly about my real present position in life as I have for the last 2 weeks; Did it again at a meeting tonight… Much more authentic…
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Tonight; I said Im from Mars; Not this planet. On mars I can be myself; On this planet Im an alien; I don’t fit in to anything or with anyone anywhere; nothing.
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Tonight working with God and a new identity; I was able to hang on and just sit in my seat and not leave; feel the anxiety and not leave; kind of; learn how to be. Learn how to be my real authentic self and just sit there as self. I lasted about 30 seconds.
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This may have been the very first time Ive been like this understand God; since young childhood. It was incredible. It also allowed me to understand something.
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First; 30 seconds is all I could last actually being myself outside my apartment in the world… That means; God has only 30 seconds of the real me to bring me my whole life Im asking for. Thus; more realistic to say; I would say Ill be working on just being myself for moments at a time with the hope those moments will string into minutes and those minutes into hours and so on. And in this protect mode out in society; me being myself. I will ask God and work with God to attract only those people and places and things that Gods sends. People and places and things that have my best interests at heart; those people who truly value me; miss me; and are compelled to want to seek me out to spend time with me because they respect me and value me and are the same kind of people and awareness under God. For they are sent by God. And no one else matters...
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Note; Treachery; treachery is of the day… Those dishonest people; 2 faced people. On the outside they make it seem like they are my friends or my kind of people; On the inside; they are not… They are simply looking to manipulate everyone for attention; using everyone because they think they are above everyone. They are very dangerous people; narcissistic but appear to be everyone's friend. These are not people to associated with or believe. And I have to remember; not to get caught up by them. Just stay silent; and stay away from them; and do not get my hopes up about them. They are liars; and not on my side and this will pan out; will be uncovered; something just wont add up right. They are attention seekers; they are not trying to be my friend.
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A good test is; Stop noticing them or talking to them or associating with them; see if they ever come back or care; I bet they wont.
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Real friends or people on my side; look up to me; and value me from the start… It means something for them to lose me. They wont want to… They will try not to… it will mean something to them.
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However; as God wants me to open up into the world; I have lots of lessons to learn right now. Its an open world with all kinds of people. Not to many people like me or care. I have to remember that. I must work with God to manifest a bigger space for more of his people to show up in my life…
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Ive watched and witnessed a few things; Maybe Ill know a friend who knows a friend who knows a friend; they know a women; who I think is pretty and says all the right things; checks all the boxes for comparability; and maybe Im stupid enough to fall for it; lately; I have been not. Its easy to want to believe; but when its not true its not true…
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Those type of people; the pretty people; they are more interested in getting attention I think; They want to say the right things and laugh and giggle and play the role of someone attractive; and I see many people fall for it; And I was well; I certainly can entertain it but I don’t. I go to God first and very quickly working with Gods laws; I know better.
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The people Im suppose to be around; Ill naturally feel right for them; They will see my sensitivity and venerability and fi...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Mon Apr 28, 2025 4:01 pm

Changes;
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My confidence to simply take a chance and see what happens; Like opening up a door in the dark; and just jumping in… or peaking in.. letting go and jumping in..

by **OMNICELL** on Sun Apr 27, 2025 11:05 pm

Changes are occurring; Possibly for the first time since childhood; a glimps; Thats all I can call it; A glimps of being connected to something within society.
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Ive been working on goals; Mainly reconnecting myself to goals created within my imagination. My goals are my primary interest in my life;
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Wife Family Children
House
Car
Money
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These are the primary goals to reconnect at this point…
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And with time n help; and the vanishing of resentments; It looks like and I can feel; Im starting to connect to life and myself again; I believe again; and Goals are the catalyst Im using to believe in life again; They are on of them.

These goals; Goals that used to be a pipe dream; and impossibility; Seem possible now; not some fictitious fantasy
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When one asks me about my life; I would say Im getting connected to the idea of aWife, House, Car, money. And because I know how to think. Meaning; my thinking has been trained for some time; to; Think and grow rich; These goals are starting to stabilize in my imagination. Im working toward these beliefs; all day long in one form or another. I do not think about much else. And that is truly a miracle. Its a miricle that my mind; a place of sorrow and hopelessness and insanity as been changed into a solid work horse of practical thought ability. I place where I use my imagination to dream and not hate. My mind is a place of building not destroying. My mind holds Ideas of a real future instead of a Crypt for a suicide watch with no hope.

Goals have taken the place of hopelessness…
This means my desires are becoming real attainable goals. My mind is on my goals; what I want to manifest for the future; that is what Im working toward… I have nothing else in my mind. My Mind has been trained to think in terms of success… I see goals and I use success based thinking processes to make these desires real; with Gods help; to make these desires come true. I am working with God on them.
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The point is; Im getting stronger at it; this idea of goal setting. The idea that Im coming into ground level with my goals within reality; meaning; I believe they are possible; Because of this; a new soundness has taken over my mind heart soul n vessel. Im very close to feeling like Im part of society again; not on the outside of it.
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Im believing again. And actually; thats all I ever wanted; I wanted to be connected to society again with no past; start over; and that is what has happened. Or is happening or shaping into.
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Im not there yet!
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However; To be this sure footed concerning my goals is a remarkable thing.
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Ive paid a great price; long suffering to be in recovery.
Ive kept my mouth shut and stayed out of trouble at many social places; marginal wavering people can cause lots of problems. Ive had to “ Take it” “ Suck it up” “ be treated like a punk and not fight back for the betterment of my future”. Ive let lesser people push me around and Ive done nothing in retaliation” That I don’t end up in troubles-ways.. I did this for the knowledge I gained where I was learning; learning about basics again in life.
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Now for the first time; My goals are replacing some of these bad thoughts of the past; Im believing in things again. My connection to my goals are going from a fantasy Idea to; possible. I mean; Im seeing myself hooked into my goals; connected.
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In the past If someone asked me if I could get a house; I would say; Who cares; no one loves me anyway; whats the difference. Why Bother. Why bother with anything… No one loves me; theirs just no reason to be here…
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Now; if you ask me; Could I obtain a house; I would say. “ Universe; Bring it to me any way I can get it!!!!!!!!”.
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Im getting very close to simply being a go get’r of my dreams with no negative thoughts getting in the way….. No Past; No Noth’n. However; I have lots of PTSD problems and dissociation; bu...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Sat Apr 26, 2025 12:53 am

NOTE; Prologue;
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PTSD WHEN WILL YOU SET ME FREE.
SO much shame. I have to stop and work on that shame; and even tho I feel all that shame; I have to learn to talk to people anyway; and I mean it. PTSD causes such problems; I don’t feel worth anything to anyone. I cant blame others for not wanting me or liking me. I don’t blame them to see me as disease to stay away from… My parents didn’t want me…
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So; I have to work over it anyway and meet people anyway…
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So; I have to work through all of this…
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I was on my bike; And 2 regular adults were in their yards of a very nice big tudor house. I could have gone on the sidewalk by them and just said hi; but I felt to embarrassed because of having nothing. I felt so shameful; like I didn’t fit in or wasn't good enough. Like I was a disease or had one.
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Ive always thought it laughable that girls would like me; theyd never like me once they knew what I was like. Theyd just laugh at me and my situation and walk away.. Theyd take no interest in a poor guy. Where I didn’t fit in. where I wasnt good enough.
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So; something is changing. Im wanting something different enough to fight for it. Im worth more then this. And I want to live. I want to learn to fight for it; not be drown in shame and sorrow and indifference because of my poverty. Where my mind is stuck.
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I don’t just want to get better; I have to participate in it. And that is where Im having problems from dissociation; its to strong to avoid. And I get totally confused on what to do. What the solution is.
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Im dissociating bad while writing this.
So; I can feel some changes tho; to face things I couldn’t before. I can see it; I have to take it to God and work with God to get over it… And feel good about myself even if I think others don’t or don’t care. I have to work on liking myself because I like it and want it and stand up for it. Man o man its so hard. With this condition.
Still; Im never doing anything with my life; or anything I like to do; I would like that to change. And I would have to trust God with all of this and let God use his eyes to see…
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However; I have generalized goals; Wife Family Children, House, drum room; car, car insurance,. Money. So; I have practical goals I can head toward and work toward. And see results. The Fear; the Terror, The no self esteem. Feeling like I don’t have a chance; feeling like a loser. Feeling no good; feeling horrible shame. No one would want me. Im considered a loser in society. So; its like being in a rock and a hard place.
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SO; I avoided those people standing in their lawns because I felt like someone on the outside; not good enough; I felt shame; not good enough to even be present because I couldn’t complete with these people. I had nothing to feel good about; I just felt shame; I felt like a prisoner in my own country. I don’t feel like Im part of their world; those people. I felt like “ Why Bother” Just give up and go away… No one cares anyway… Whats the point; I cant face this; any of this poverty and the shame created by it…
I feel No good; but I can believe I can accept myself and learn to like myself. I feel like I have no strength; Im a weakling; Not very strong; I cant finish anything. I cant do anything other then ride a bike while my life disappears from underneath me. And I feel like a loser who cant complete. Someone who should feel shame…
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However; I want to feel good about myself and nto be controlled by people like this; and work through this stuff…
I feel trapped; No good. No good around others. Nothing; loser; worthless; no good. No one likes me; no one wants me; nothing! And other things; less then; humiliated.
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Where do I start…
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And Im going to work with God to change this; It hurts so much; but I think if I can face something anyway; and just keep working toward it; I think socially I can see it; and work with G...

[ Continued ]

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Apr 17, 2025 2:41 am

Strange changes occurring
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Strange changes occurring;
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When I was very young; 0-8 years old. I had some forms of stability; I had a father at home; but didn’t know him really. But he was there; and kept my mother inline; So she could not destroy us… Myself and my brothers…
I had some forms of safety and stability; at-least from ages 5-8… I had an independent experience; I took off out in the neighborhood and made friends and spent my time at others homes and doing things at school and was looking forward to doing new things in school.
I had routine…
I had my own private world… I had my own private life when I was a kid. My own friends; my own way of doing things; my own thoughts and goals. And a whole lot of things…
And later; all of this would be gone.
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NOTE; This occurred for one strange balancing act between my mother and father; They were both focused on destroyed or fooling each other or faking each other out. Or the balance of control of who was in control between both; in a strange way; I was left completely alone. I had nothing to do with their lives; But I still got to live in a house and eat their food. In the very quite process I developed; developed a whole magical world of ideas and dreams and goals… of likes and dislikes. In the end; those 4 years would never be taken from me. In fact; they tried to destroy everything about me later. But; the real meaningful things in my young life; They never knew about them; I never told anyone anything about what I found important to me; I kept everything to myself. They did not know me nor care. However; my mother will try to destroy anything about me if she can find out anything about me. Much like the Russians trying to destroy the Ukrainians in war; the same thing. SO; I did take some hits; bad attacks; very bad; but still they knew nothing about me.
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Here I am now; rejuvenated; and or re developed or re born; re planted and now Im showing promise of an independent growth on my own in the garden; Im a beginning plant that is showing very good regrowth; Im showing signs of independence ability.. And this is all under God.
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When I was a teenager; I fell in love with a girl; thinking she would be important in my life at the time. I was in a new city and really had no family anymore; no one cared about what happened me; by the age of 9 I was thrown away… Young teenager in this new city with a family of strangers where I was never wanted… I was desperate for anything…
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So; as a teenager; I thought I was creating a real deep friendship with this girl; a best friend that would become my girlfriend and something serious for my future. Unfortunately; that is not what happened. I was just being played; The whole Time I thought I was building a future and a real friendship under God; and deep friendship; I was creating nothing; no friendship; I was being fooled and conned by someone with no conscious at all. This person could care less who I am or was; nothing; they would not miss me when I finally pulled back and never associated with them again. I meant nothing to them; the whole thing was just a joke they created for an easy thrill; they were laughing the whole time. I was destroyed; and had a major break down that I never got over; my mind was gone… From this and other things; I could not function ever again. The world is pure evil. And this was an example of that pure evil. Godless… Lawless… Unfortunate; For this caused a rupturing mind and a break from reality; a breakdown for me. I simply had no idea I was being led on; Nothing. I thought I was fine; I thought everything was fine; I thought I was creating a real friend; and I put my heart and soul into it..
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God got me out of there and really would never let me back around that level of evil; that person or that evil criminal sociopathic family system.
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I was destroyed and devastated and had no more ...

[ Continued ]

Being myself...

Down the rabbit hole...

Possibly for the first time since childhood; a glimps

PTSD WHEN WILL YOU SET ME FREE

Strange changes occurring

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