August 2025
July 2025
Moving forward….
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Next level is the practice of small levels of courage….
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Im working with Courage through intimate words expressed of confession at meetings….
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Its interesting; it seems that no one seems to know what Im doing; Im putting out vulnerability in front of others in order to practice courage. After a long time of this; I start gain significant confidence in this area; the area of consistent development.
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Meaning; Im getting better or deeper in my subject interrogation of self surrounded openly by others.
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The point is; I have the general concepts from the universe of what Im suppose to do; in order to move forward; and Im working on it.
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THE MEETINGS: THE ROOMS OF RECOVERY;
They are playing a significant part in my real confidence perspective God seeks for me; strengthening to meet my confidence problems as God would have me. The rooms play developmental; forging rolls of courageous mounted; each step forward building just a little more confidence and acceptance that courage got me their… got me to that gold nugget of confidence.
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For Confidence Is Fire born within the deep abyss of the Universe; it is the language of the mountains of Jupiter and every other mounted solar system with in the universe.
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courage steps build confidence. Confidence is the essence of man; Confidence is Man… Everything is Magic; there is no logic….
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Become a Knight; fight some dragons and gain confidence… Become a Knight and fight many dragons… And gain the process that gains confidence and thus the building of courage and confidence… Let this Gold of the Mans Universe; “ confidence”; Let it consume me and make me….
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Note; Im going to meetings in the present and talking about Intimacy and girlfriends relationships; courage and confidence… And that I will take orders from the Universe and go any direction the universe would like me to go in order to gain this confidence and find the wife God has for me…. .
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And such things Im heading toward.
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The problem has been. I can not tell a women I like her!; meaning the right one….
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Even if the old style Miss Universe a beauty of 10/10 quality; even if a women that looked like that; came to my door; and I opened it and she came in; even if she wanted me; I would just sit their paralyzed; I couldn’t tell her how I felt. And I coudnt tell her I had a problem telling her how I felt… so thus; she couldn’t help me. I cant tell her I like her; if not; Im just this hovering ghost like figure that has no purpose around her.
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CONFIDENCE:
Even if this women likes me and Ive attracted her; Ive got to be able to tell her how I feel or no go! She will never really know how I feel about her; not know if I like her… Its not her fault. She will turn and leave and that will be that…
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Confidence and support allows me to stand my ground with someone if; I tell them I like them; and they are not interested. I simply walk away come back to myself and my group and start over. Its all about the numbers in 2025.
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Ive attracted women before but could not tell them I liked them; thus I lost them…
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So; its not about attracting someone today; Its about the other side of things; its about building up my inner self so I can feel confidence that I can go out and find under Gods care; the right women God is sending me for relationships and once found; I can open up to them and tell the truth of how I feel about them… Thats all I want to practice.
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I might be able to muster up the courage to stand in front of a women; with the idea of telling her how I feel; But I have no confidence in telling her anything. And at some point in my life I may have been the kind of man that attracts a pretty women; but I cant stand before her and tell her anything because of a lack of confidence… And knowing I have no confidence in front of her; I wont bother to find myself in front of anyone.
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NOTE; The abuse of the past when young; being thrown away destroyed my abilities to be confident or trust the human race in any capacity.
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One place Im practicing this vulnerability is in the meetings when I share. At some point when this speaking my feelings ability expands’; Ill work with God and sponsor to move out into the community and develop it there within other groups; Amen
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HOUSING;
Im interested and curiously learning how someone buys a house for the first time…
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Im studying the videos of a First time buyer channel on youtube; 400 vids; and I want to watch them all.
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BEING SHUT DOWN:
Ive had my voice shut down from several areas when young;
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1. Being thrown away from original family; loosing all things of that life; all of them… The trauma involved
2. Sexual abuse; Grandfather/ Grandmother; This forced living situation when young; at age 10 onward…
3. False best friend; Not my friend; never was; never wanted to be. Its sad for me. His mother put him up to it. I simply cant imagine anyone; a child doing this to another child; this is simply to much; I mean really; The person thought they were better then me the whole time; I was being used. I mean; OK; That is what happened. What kind of child level diabolical mind would want to do this to another innocent child they meet at 5 year old. Pure evil. They pulled it off as well for years. Later I did realize they; as an adult of around 40 years old; where sociopath. This truly shocked me as well as the other secrets of their house hold. Suddenly it was me calling them freaks and realizing they were unsafe freaks and me getting out of their house; after I went back to visit; their was nothing safe about them… I finally realized… However; looking back at my poor childhood I would never have a chance on any direction… so I died their at that childhood…
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4. Abuses by teachers who used physical violence and or; judgment me as a bad person in the school when they knew nothing about me… I wasnt safe to open up anywhere…
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5. First love; Who never loved me or even wanted me; or wanted me around; nothing. I had made a horribly wronged mistake by going up to that house… by making a decision in that direction. This was a stranger I did not know; And I will pay for my folly…. Again; non human monster; I knew the rest of the family were monsters; I thought I was saving her from them; Little did I know she was the worst of all.
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OK; So; The problem with this level or levels of brutal trauma; I could not ever open up to anyone ever again…
So; its not just about attracting people today; which is scary enough in itself because I have no track record at doing it… certainly not nice people. But at this point in my age; I have no idea who I can attract; But the main point is; besides that; its being able to talk to them and open up my feelings to them; they area all dissociated. TO the point Im non verbal.. I mean; I cant open up in that way…. So Im shut down…
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And most of my work now is opening this back up….
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Problems also from bullies at different times; where I was really threatened and intimidated through violence… manipulates…
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flunking out in school my whole life because of being completely dissociated from reality….
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Ill start praying to God for the right people to show up. And the right support groups… And their it is…
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Ill certain keep praying to God about having that first girlfriend… But that would require many things from me; The ability to be open and expressive; the ability to take chances at a high level; I could very easily be shut down or played or lied to; or rejected and Id have to be able to handle it. I would have to find the right tribe of people interested in me.
NOTE; Id have to work with God and others to find the right ages of people to date at this point. Im old
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Id have to be able to tell the person how I feel; How I feel about them; And that is the main work Im working on right now; and that would require a whole new family system of people to work in or with within slow development where I would feel safe and trust them; where I feel safe trusting them and being close to them where I could really open up.
Is already started at meetings; some people have shown up around me. I honestly don’t think they are the safest people; simply because I don’t know anything about them; and in some of these groups; that is completely dangerous.
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Anyway… Im on my way.
I think; believing that God will bring me the right people; thats my next big asking manifestation from God. Amen. People I can work with… Amen.
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NOTE; Im finding some people very 2 faced who have somewhat attempted to get close to me. I don’t know what it means; what these people are doing… Its working for me kind of. So far; Ive opened up more and taken more chances; Now; Im starting to question and shut down and asking God for other people to associate with who are safe people… its time to look in another direction; Amen.
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