July 2025
June 2025
FIRST LOVE: She is officially gone. What does that mean; it basically means Ive seen that scumbag for what it is.. or what it was... it was no friend of mine... This person was not only my enemy but a stranger I was supposed to never meet.
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I was supposed to never meet this person because;
1. I had a problem with the relationship with my mother... that was my primary purpose in life; to solve that...
2. I was looking to worship God; I ended up worshiping women as God!
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So; I have those 2 areas blocking me from women..
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3. Work related problems. As a man; work or identity gives me a kind of strength... And that has been a problem because I never got anywhere in the work world.
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Ill try to start somewhere;
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FIrst;
Im terrified of women; and I have to overcome that. THis is primarily a man problem; its not about women. I have to see it in my imagination... I have to see myself going after what I want regardless. I have to see myself wanting a girlfriend and just doing what it takes to get one... I cant say this any better... Ill be stepping into a realm socially with others close up. Ill be back in the social close up world; physically.
Ive been on the outskirts...
How bad do I want it... am I willing to go through what I have to go through to get what I want; to participate at the level I want to be at to have success. Ill have to do allot of training to get back to a frequency level of what Im looking for.
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Most men I know that are real men dont want anything to do with women... They are smart enough when young to realize how horrible all of this has become in this country... However, Im different. I never saw myself as single. Normally I would not be... The last several years are different. I had to become a different person; so I stopped my development with women; I pulled back and focused on the problems I wanted to work on... Ive always been single; I did this out of intelligence and protection; I never wanted to be. I never found any society I related with...
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Now; I have one major problem left concerning women. I have to overcome my fears of rejection and know what my goal is... My goal is not to be saved by women... my goal is to pursue or court women.. and have a girlfriend.. have women in my life again at a normal countenance... I just want to be normal again...
How bad do I want it. How bad do I want to be in a relationship.. THere it is. Am I willing to go after it and accept the realities of that situation. Yes! But I see the walls. Its almost like I have to become a man who breaks down the walls. I did this a few times in my younger life but did it with the wrong people; Thats what scares me. I have to learn some how to stop blaming the other people. Become social; get a girlfriend and go from there... But I got to get a girlfriend and get to living a normal life; not a nomadic life... I never wanted it; it was in reaction to what I had witnessed in this life... I dont want it; never wanted it in the first place... I just wanted to live a normal life.
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MAKING WOMEN INTO GODS; OR GOD>..
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So; a point resides in me. Its a place where I seek a higher power to love me. I believe because of the neglect of my mother; women have much power over me because of what I want from them; I want that female essence that's deep within their body! I never got any love from my mother or any other place.
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So; I believe I started worshiping women as God; I think its a mistake anyone could make in my situation; they both appear very similar in feeling...
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Learning to worship God not women...
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The worship of women is for lust and sex....
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I am to worship GOd; and once allowing God into this special place within me for a connection with the universe; I create a relationship with God; I then ask God to bring the right people into my life; and God brings me the right people for relationships... I have to start with God; and thus; I have to learn to worship God and only God and then wait upon GOd for relationships. GOD FIRST.
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So;
My problem has been; That centered area inside me has to be owned by God not women... I go to God first; and then The universe brings me what I ask for when I go through the universe for it.
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Lots of reality work here. ANd Ive been outside of reality. I want what is in reality. But this time I must have a God with me and that God must be first. I must be protected...
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NOTE: Staying away from the wrong women; those at a very low frequency... I have a tendency to do this; find myself around the wrong women.
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So. Its up to me if I want to proceed. And Im looking to get that level of living and courage back. I dont want to spend my time looking at youtube videos of people in relationships. I want to make a plan to strengthen my processes and thus one step at a time; understand the world does not revolve around me; I revolve around it; and learn how to live in the outside world again...
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Im aware of all the immature mess-ups I can have... or I will go through. I may go through hundreds of women until I understand what doesn't work out here... I mean; I have to get a thick skin. And that means hit and miss for a long while. Ill need some maturity out in the real world working with God...
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I depend on God for my day to day life. Im not a churchy person. I never said I didnt watch porn or not want wish to fight everything at times... I use God to survive; God is my oxygen in life. God must be with me regardless; all the time...
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I have outside goals. I have to learn to stick to my goals regardless of what happens first. Meaning; lots of rejection and being laughed at. I must work with God...
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NOTE: Ive been fooled; This is what happened with my First Love; I wanted someone different; someone that fitted me. That brought me to people like my First Love; a fraud.. a sociopath narcissist playing the role of the " Different girl"; So I would fall for it. I have to watch this; watch out for myself in the real world. Lots trouble in the forests.. lots of predators in the Forests... one must be careful. Safety in numbers.
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THeres plenty of excuses men use not to date women... millions of them; Ive heard them all. Im not interested in those... Im only interested in the information that will strengthen my process in the real world to meet someone.
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MEETING THE RIGHT PEOPLE;
And here is the major problem.....
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I know of women right now that liked me. They were never available because of their personalities; something not honest about them.. They might have feelings for me or attraction; but they are the wrong people.
The goal is to work with God to meet the right people.
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NOTE: The sacrifice and work to meet the right people. I will say this; God Universe will teach me where Ive been Baffled. God will teach me... Teach me how to prepare for what it is I want. I will work on being willing... All of this can happen if Im willing to work with God on it.
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SEXUAL ABUSE: AND DISSOCIATION;
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My mind flashes back to sexual abuse and those who controlled and abused me. Its as if I dont have permission to have outside relationships... Because of the sexual abusers did not give me permission. THus; that kind of trauma bonding and terror is what I deal with; that is what is majorly stopping me.
When I meet a girl; I want someone wh is kind who wants to help; Not someone who laughs in my face because Im in pieces because I was raped and tortured as a adolescence by murder'r.
Many of the women I have met laugh in my face that I have problems. This is not the kind of scumbag I want to deal with.
I might have to go through this with this kind of filth. This is what happened with my First Love; I dont want to go through it again... I dont want that kind of shallow middle class spoiled entitled idiot... I dont want them around me anymore; any of them; Im sick of them; everyone is sick of them.. I dont want it.
I may have to go through many things and many misguided people until I find the right people.
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What happens if I think Ive found the right people and they turn out to be cut throat con-artist's; backstabbers. I have to learn to let them go and work with God. It may truly take awhile until Im willing to work with God to find the right people.
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WEIGHT;
This is a major problem. Being a bicyclist for 23 years in my life. I have that advantage to losing weight. But at my age because of sleep problems and old age; I cant lose the weight. I eat; I gain weight. I stop eating; I dont gain the weight in my stomach but I starve.
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Becoming disciplined to use a sleep apnea machine will help. I stopped using mine; I got tired of getting sick... Colds...
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I need the sleep if I want to lose weight.
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Im not ready or up to speed for that yet...
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THE WORK IS DONE IN MY IMAGINATION:
The work; the pathways to my goals and the outcomes has to do with seeing it first; visualization in my imagination first. Thats where the work is; the breakthroughs; the confidence is built. Its built through storytelling; the telling of new stories about my life. And I draw it on paper visually... the new life and goals and successes I want. So; Lots of work in those directions.
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LEARNING TO PRAY TO GOD: NOT WOMEN.
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This is a real fine line. I know that place deep inside me; at the core that needs to be loved; At that moment; I must reach out to God; not a visual of a women. I must practice this with GOd to build my relationship with GOd at that specific point within my self.
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