July 2025
June 2025
Things are getting rough; Im getting confused as I break through dissociative disorder/CPTSD/AVPD/Agoraphobia. Altho; I dont know if I really ever break though Agoraphobia.
.
Whats it like to come out of the cloud; out of the protected realm; its not easy... I get angry why God is not supplying a reason to live or be alive.. Why so hard. Its already been hard; is the universe trying to kill me; I mean; seriously? What is going on here; why so hard.
.
Im getting corrected right now or humbled; But why? Why is the universe taking away more n more of what I already dont have. I've tried to reach out to the universe; tried things; I keep getting my head cut off; my hands torn off; nothing is safe out here; now what; What is going on; Why is the universe not supplying safe places for me to recover?
.
Im mad that I cant look out my telescope; no safe place; So; finally a thought comes to me from the universe; Look at the moon on YouTube; Great? really? If Im willing to do this; maybe the universe will take me seriously enough to supply a safe place to view the moon outside. I will not view a telescope around other people anymore.. really? wow; how privileged; I cant even look through a telescope; anything else going to be taken away from me. I mean seriously; and I want to be alive; really? so I can go through this? really! Im not planning to leave the planet; but what the hell is going on here. Where is God at?
.
Driving; Im not sure what is going on. Am I suppose to get a car or not. I thought the universe wanted me to go on vacations? I have no idea what is going on. Yet; another false desire I should pack up and forget about; just like the astronomy interest? Nothing makes any sense... I dont get any of this and Im not getting any answers to go one way or the other; nothing.
.
This is why I have a hard time trusting the universe; I dont get any answers; I get desires with no answers; so I assume I am not suppose to go in these direction; Not suppose to bother with astronomy and not suppose to drive or have a car???? I guess? I just dont get it. No music creation or art creation; nothing... really? because Ive had no answers to where these things connect to the outside world.
.
Women; The last women the universe brought me were not very good choices; is this my fault? I guess; I manifested them; I guess. What does this mean? They didnt come from the universe. I guess not! They were narcissists pretending? I guess so? I have no idea what is going on here? Do I keep asking the universe for the right women; The universe has never brought anyone to me; ever; nothing. Not really; seriously; Im not suppose to have anyone in my life; any thing else that is suppose to be taken away from me. So the universe cant bring me one decent person; Nothing; because no decent people exist to have a relationship with; am I not worth at least one experience on planet earth with another person; just one.... Nothing? really? ever? nothing! really????
.
When the universe does not help or answer any of my questions of how to live my life safely; I stop trusting God.... and that has happened with almost everything. I dont understand what is going on here.
Maybe Im waking up to reality; I dont know.
.
I havent earned any of the things I wanted to do? Yes? is that it? I feel like Im being punished by the universe over n over n over to the point of not trusting God anymore....
.
Should I be posting this here; should I be posting this anywhere?
.
Possibly Ive been in a dream world where I never earned anything and ive been living so dissociatively that Ive by-passed the restrictions of reality.
.
I dont get it; It feels like a life of nothingness..
.
Every time I attempt to do something that would make me happy; I get my arms cut off. I dont understand what is going on. Why cant I have freedom; why? I dont get it. I dont get any of this. Nothing.
.
Im just trying to find reasons to stay alive; things the make me happy and their all being cut off from me; never allowing anything to start.
.
I dont understand what God is doing; why Im even trying or on this planet. Why should I even bother with any of this. I mean; for what. Why does this keep happening.
Why doesnt God just supply a way or pathway to these things; I dont get where Im going.
.
What is God doing to me? and why?
.
I try things and its all slammed in my face…. No answer from God; nothing. no answer.
,.
Should I go to that vacation spot I remember as a child; I first started looking at it; but no answer for transportation so its out!
.
Am I suppose to get a car; No answer; so its out.
.
What car; which one; no answer; so its out.
.
I found a vehicle I think is cool; no answer from the universe; so; I quite.
Questions to the universe;
.
What am I suppose to do with my life?
.
Am I suppose to make music? How; to feel safe? yes or no?
.
Am I suppose to create art; yes or no? for a profession; or seriously?
.
Girlfriend; yes or no?
.
do I let go of past women I was interested in; yes or no?
.
am I suppose to have a car; yes or no?
.
am I suppose to go on vacations? Yes or no?
.
What car am I suppose to have if Im suppose to have a car; yes or no?
.
Am I suppose to manifest money? yes or no?
.
am I suppose to go to the gym Im going to considering some of the situations that have been re occuring; yes or no?
.
Am I suppose to go to these 12 step meetings in this town; continue; yes or no?
.
Where am I suppose to get my recovery?
.
Who are my friends; where do They come from?
.
Why am I in this town. What am I suppose to do now?
.
How do I handle people that are sociopaths around me at meetings? how do I stay safe; if I cant stay safe; why am I their? What is the answer? where do you want me to be universe?
.
What am I suppose to be doing with my life?
.
Am I suppose to be drumming or not? yes or no?
.
am I suppose to be a song writer? yes or no?
.
where do i perform?
.
am I suppose to look through my telescope; its not safe outside; How?
.
Am I suppose to be interested in astronomy; yes or no?
.
am I suppose to be a performer; yes or no? ?????????
.
am I suppose to look at the moon through YouTube; and consider this satisfying: really? Seriously? am I spoiled or is this not about me.... seriously.
.
Why is all this so horrible and hard being alive for absolutely no reason. Why am I live?
.
iS a pathway suppose to open this stuff up; I dont get any of this; nothing... Where are the safe pathways; or am I not suppose to go down any of these pathways... but then; what pathways am I suppose to go down? I dont understand universe?
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], failedatlife, Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, JaneDoeEyes, Johnny-Jack, Majestic-12 [Bot]
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 2.999s | 20 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.38
Time : 2.999s | 20 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.38