June 2025
May 2025
Im in the next realm. The anxiety and insecurity are through the roof; My lack of experience and no maturity; all comes out at this level.
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Im simply reliving where I was thrown away when young and having no support; nothing…
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And it is here I will stay; and it is here I will work with God to undo this and grow and grow beyond it; and that is what Im working on.
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This is a most humbling ego reducing experience of fear… Fear engulfs me. And it is here I must learn and work with God to over come.
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This is one of the most authentic areas of my experimentation; it feels like a personal extermination of myself.
The point is; its like a jumping off point at about age 14. Its very very hard to relive; I don’t have a choice. And I want to just go through it; face the humiliation and pain of that time and work through it to the next level of independence… For it will be the acceptance that I will be learning how to manage my life and going after the things I want.. Very adulting I guess…
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So; I will have to learn how to trust the process and the people God is sending me to help me...Amen….
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This is a place of getting up to speed as a person of responsibility for my own life because I want to; I like it; I want some control over my life; that is what I want… I want to be in my own life….I want to be part of my own life…
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I don’t mind if God is driving the bus; I just don’t want anyone else driving the bus… I want to drive the bus; but first I would need a bus; and the money for the bus and a major purpose in life other then just writing blogs and watching porn and going to 12 step meetings. Altho I like 12 step groups when Im not getting stalked by people.
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I can feel the anxiety.
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Im going back in time; to places and people and things where I was suppose to learn how to live my life. And Im going back to the beginning as soon as Im up to speed with myself.
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I can feel the vulnerability/The Fear…
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Must loneliness
feelings of feeling like a failure and a loser…
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I have that feeling; it feel like having no personal support…
its this insecurity alone feeling of having nothing and being a fish out of water…
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Its like driving to a new city and not realizing how big it is and getting lost… and that feeling of panic and insecurity and anxiety….
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And thats where Im at right now. And Ill be working with God on real world solutions for my life. Hopefully to expand outward into the community somehow.
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Ill work with God on this..
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It has that feeling of; “ The whole world is against me” “ what do I do now”! Thats how it feels!
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At the meeting tonight; I thought; I could really use a partner… That means a girlfriend…
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So; I am getting up to speed. But I feel like a fish out of water. Im getting my recovery from a specific place but want to live in another more middle class place.
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It has that feeling of riding a bike through a middle class neighborhood and wanting so badly to live there but I don’t live there… Im just a guy on a bike going through the neighborhood.
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And I tell myself; this isnt fair; Im a nice guy… And im like an 8 year old with no more maturity then that… and im stuck there… And I come to the end of myself at 8 years old? And I have to leave; have to leave the neighborhood and I don’t want to wake up to this nightmare..
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So a large gap resides between my fantasy world I hide in and the actual 8 year old within me that is in a state of panic and terror; because Ive never gone beyond 8 years old. And Ive never functioned before being pushed beyond 8 years old… nothing!
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And here I am.
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Its like being a 4 year old thrown out of a house into the snow in the front yard where no one claims me. Im all alone for the rest of my life… I can never go back. So; where or how do I proceed.
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And thats what Im learning right now….
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And I have to feel that abandonment of my life and my past; face it and start moving forward with it; not curl up in fantasy land and disappear.
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I have to learn how to work through those times of PTSD begin affected… All those bad bad memories and work through them into something new; they are extremely bottle necked… I have a host of bottlenecks of my life experience… And its a time of being cut off from all things including civilization and being thrown away…
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So I work with God and set out!
Our partner
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