July 2025
June 2025
The goal working with the universe is to wake up. I have to wake up and move forward and come out of the past if I am to obtain adult things; relationships, car, money, house, vacations; occupations; stuff like that... living like an adult. And I want to obtain adult things.
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So; working the laws of attraction co creating with the universe; Im getting pulled out of my past into the ability to write and live new narratives for my life. And attract what I want,.
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First love;
After this last couple of weeks; she has weakened from my imagination and memories; and man; today; she was splitting on negatives all day. Meaning; My personality heart and soul really wanted nothing to do with her; I was seeing such evil thoughts of her; dark horror; anger.. disgust... And thats what I need to see and have it keep growing until I have absolutely no need or want to remember this person anymore. And the reality is; all the negatives represent what really happened. This is like my best friend growing up; in reality; when I look back and take a real honest look at being at his house; it was not all that it was cracked up to be. In fact; I was hiding there... I had to go somewhere for love and acceptance. But in reality; I didnt even need him their; I just needed to be in the home. But I thought we were friends or best friends. Later I realized; My friendship meant nothing to this person; I was being used from the beginning. He wasnt even a friend; it was all faked... faked from the beginning.
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So; Im looking for Gods help to see this girl who lived up the street with no more heart felt deep emotional interested because nothing exists with that person nor ever did., I have to have the guts to see that situation for what it was; nothing.
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And I dont like to admit this; but I turned a mole hill into a giant mountain range of numerous mountain tops. Not just one. I mean I created a whole sub continent of mountain ranges. Un believable. The problem is; considering how much time I actually spent with her and talked to her. I mean; it was very little. And what I did spend time with was very shallow. In much of it; I was just there; I was just present at her house in her living room. I just kind of absorbed. So; the reality was; I did not interact with her all that much; I just watch and subjectively interviewed the thoughts I was thinking; taking it all in and internally putting value points to what was important to me.
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I did allot of " WHT IF" statements to myself. Where was all this going; whats the potential of all this.
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I did something horrible one can never do; I asked the question " What is the potential of all this; my ability to have a relationship with her". I ran with this in my mind until I was already dating her and marrying her and being with her for the rest of my life. And I assumed she felt the same way. And thats the beginning of my down fall. And getting to the heart of the matter.
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And I assumed she felt the same way... "
And their it is. My whole experience with this girl was based on hope for the future. And I based all of that on potential. I assumed she felt the same way I did... about me; about her parents; about a future with me. of course I never talked to her about it; and I never once told her my feelings and I shied away if she even tried to get close to me. I never trusted her. it was to much. all the physical stuff; at least up front the way it was. I pulled back in freeze mode.
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I never told her anything. I got re traumatized and found myself meandering away slowly more n more. I just left.
But in reality; I realized later I was not being taken seriously and she didnt care. And thats where everything halted.
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I would have cherished her for the rest of my life... all the love... and I felt so close to her. Now I look at all this and cringe. There was no one who fit this description for my favor; no one. I was trying to take this average person and turn them into queen and it didnt work. Also; she wasnt kidding; she really could take me or leave me. I guess I could have loved her and put her in her place; but why! Why would I have to. This was the wrong person for that kind of thing. She was much to independent... But something else. I never realized she would turn on me... But later she did with no problem. Shocked me. I thought I was important to her. I just thought she would be smart enough to see my worth while around her. I saw hers! She never cared about mine.
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She never cared about anything about me or dealing with me; I meant nothing to her. And I was thrown away as if I had never met her. And thats another set of pain explosions. Something was just not right here. And thats what Ive been expressing this over n over n over; and Ill keep it up until I come back to sanity.. and reality on this.
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So Im back; its the next day.
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As for the girl up the street; the thoughts are coming back; but their more like the fleeing of a cartoon I watched when I was a kid. They are secondary. More part of a secondary world; not even my fantasy world; mOst of it is not in my fantasy world anymore. its just lingering thoughts. I am scared for what replaces it.
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I am scared for what replaces it". This phrases suggests this is about not having any family or life and the reason those thoughts and memories were so important; its all I had left once. Now; things are struggling to change so I can have my life back. Its a good or pleasant struggle.
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I still remember; but its going into another area of my mind; the past; with the idea something takes its place. but I know better; even when thoughts come up of her; and they appear and feel good or pleasant; I know better; I have to switch them out; the feeling for them. Ive already been through this 1000 times; no girl exists that was of a pleasant situation; non of them; of those memories. This is not memories to hold onto with any value; not of her... because that was fantasy land. Thats not what happened.
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What happened; I got led on; someone was gaming me. They didnt get what they wanted; they ran back to their original power sources and betrayed me or rejected me and stayed with their other power sources. Meaning she was 2 faced. that is what I didnt know. she had options. When God sends me someone; and thats the right person God has sent; their are no options. Theirs only that one person God sent; and nothing else. This person just pulled up shop and waited; waited for me to leave; I meant nothing to her; I was a cheap fun afternoon shopping spree; nothing more. a quick spontaneous experience and that was all; I meant nothing more then that;
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The problem was; Im a decent person and thats not the kind of person I was looking for... So; why did I think she was like that; a nice person. Its because of my original neighborhood I came from.
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So; I thought I could just walk up to someones house; a complete stranger and they would be like the other houses in the past neighborhood I came from. And thats not so; thats not what I found; I found this person to be 2 faced brutally with nothing but calculations who had no desire to change; instead; they would just go find someone else and throw me out; and thats what they did... And as I remember; they never thought of me once when I was gone but I thought about them all the time. I loved her... and I thought she was my friend... And looking at that last phrase or statement; thats the type of response Id give a nice girl from a nice household. And thats whats wrong here; I was not in a house with a nice girl and a nice household but I could not come to grips with that. That I was now in a different place physically; different town. it was all to much for me. to much PTSD and dissociative disorder. I was 2 mentally ill to be around these people.
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Concerning the girl up the street when I was young;
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First; I went to the girls house and flirted with her. she responded to the flirting and tried to make me her boyfriend; I didnt respond. I was 2 faced; I wasnt what I claimed to be.
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I pulled back and watched; My inner self and soul wanted to make sure she was safe before I got involved.
To my horror; and out of nowhere; she began to make me into a weakling... I stood back and looked at this behavior; it was almost as if she had a victim and had judged me on being either weak or strong.
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I was taken back and heart broken. I had no idea this person would go in this direction. She thought I might be a weakling so she bullied me. Thought she was going to dominate me or compete with me. SO I let her win and I watched. and what I found began to disturb me. She was a sociopath; She was a sociopath; 2 faced. dangerous... meaning; she could not be trusted because I could not tell who the real HER was... I had no idea. complete mask she was wearing when I first met her. When I first met her; she was the girl that you would want; want to respond to you. But I was just being led on. In the end; I have no clue accept she could not have a clue of values or laws to live by or decency or love or friendship or anything. Nothing.
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Her behavior finally allowed me to see their was no way I was going to associate with another sociopath. No chance. I could not fix that in someone. I could not love someone enough that they not be that way. I knew that. And the girl on her own choice; when I attempted to call her at times and ask simple questions. I did not sweep her off her feet; I simply asked her if she wanted to study together. She should have said yes. She was around me long enough to assess the situation and the value of the situation. She should have said yes; She would have been around someone that loved her and truly adored her for the rest of her life. It was her choice; instead; she finally had a compete attitude of contempt because I was a "Weakling" and laughed at... and of no interest to her; no one like me. Completely 2 faced and worse; worthless. Godless; lawless. And it was not my responsibility to fix any of that or make her aware of any of that. She was given the tools to do so previously. She chose; she wanted nothing to do with me or what I was about. And what I was about was being alined with God.. And she in the face God and myself chose with all arrogance and pure evil and malice not to associate with me anymore. She didnt want me.. Unbelievable.
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An act of pure evil.
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God certainly does not want me around women of this nature. However, What was I doing their in the first place; did I have a chance with her... according to God; NO! I do not think God put me their. I think I ended up their by accident. I did an act; I went somewhere; she was at the end of that pathway; but that was the wrong pathway; instead of just turning around and coming home; I ended up doing something else; I stuck around and looked for love; that was kind of a seedy thing to do; This was not someone for me to be friends with? And their it is.
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And this whole affair; I moved forward like a drunk man. Like I was drunk. and their it is. I was at the wrong house with the wrong people in it.
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So; here is a question; Why was I not at the right house with the right people; Thats the real question; and where do I find them. And why wont I find them; maybe I dont believe anymore. So; Ill have to start believing again.
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As for the girl up the street; the biggest problem is my fantasy about her and about her potential to be with me... That was the heartbreak. I went to her front door and knocked; she answered; I then created a whole world with her in it; the both of us; simply by that one knock and her answering; I mean; all she really did was answer. but I was sure it meant something. But it didnt. it didnt mean anything.. And thats whats important here; in fact; it was pure evil; I was being used the minute I fell for the temptation. She was evils so it doesnt really matter about her; theirs a million just like her; worthless and evil. And its good to call it what it is...
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So; A part of me still wants to save her; and that wield deeper part has to be looked at because Im feeling this in the face of reality. Not such situation exists.
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So; all this person did was respond to me in a flirting way of interest; like someone that wanted me to chase her. Like someone that liked me or liked the fact I was flirting with her; THAT IS ALL SHE DID!
So; I was mesmerized by this 7 minutes of flirting and created a whole world of possibilities with her and with her potential of liking me. I took it all in emotionally. However, She was riding me emotionally; meaning; pretending; she was deliberate. She was using me. She was a predator grooming me; coercing me. Manipulating me; leading me on. Im looking for the right words; its a from of contemptuous hatred toward someone when they have no respect for you and think they can do anything they want to you.... Its that sort of thing. Its a trap. I was being led into a trap; I was already in a trap. Robbers do the same thing; they set people up get their trust then beat them up and rob them. Same type of person... So; What the Hell was I doing up and around someone like that for. And that is what this writing is really about.
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What was I doing around a robber... what for... Why? I mean; Ill have to look at my behavior of insanity... I was doing the opposite of what would keep me safe. And where was I suppose to really go... Where did God want me to go. Someplace better,.
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So; How could I have kept myself safe while in this new city; what was I suppose to do; who was I suppose to associate with. Ill have to start writing about this tragedy.... horror nightmare,.
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As for the girl. Part of me is still untreated insanity; it still wants to see her as a girlfriend. I suppose its the 5 year old in me; Actually the 5 year old in me is the one telling me theirs nothing there; he did not call for this. So; its the pesky adult in me that is causing this... Im to warn down and ashamed and timid to say so or to say no to things... withdrawn and warn down...
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Ill get their. I have to look at who I became and why. This pathway that led to the girl; this was not the first one after I was thrown away from my parents; I ended up at a few new houses of olds friends or others... I had no family and no love and nowhere to go. Nothing. No one cared about me... I just was a ghost that no one cared about and meandered here n their stunned traumatized dissociated from reality... and non functioning.
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Im having an ego problem because when I went up to this girls house I was mentally ill. I was a ghost that none cared about and meandered here n their stunned traumatized dissociated from reality and non functional. And I dont want to admit; thats the person that came to her house. I want to try as hard as possible to claim I was someone else. And I was not. So; Im not being honest with myself accepting myself as I am. And I dont know why; its just not good enough and I dont know why its not good enough; maybe I want something for nothing; opportunist; I dont know. I guess so.... Ill have to look at this.
Im a non functioning human being that doesn't function; once I can accept this; I can get help for it!
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