July 2025
June 2025
Goals; real goals; adult goals... Hard stuff; I see being timid and scared and bullied and abused and coerced. controlled.
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Goals; I was in the mens meeting tonight talking about them. Whats got me worried is dying and then its over. I mean; I get all my goals and then what.. scared of dying.
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Scarred of facing that last moment when I never got a life or got to live it. Instead Ive spent all my life on trying to get better; its like spending all my money and its gone.
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All of Gods money.
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Im tired; being in recovery mode and survival mode and goal mode...
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Always fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting.
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The goal is to make it back into society with its relationships and its marriages and houses and cars and vacations and...... and all that. Thats where Im headed; money! Back into society; this time by my own Merit; no one else from the past involved. On my own making shi- happen.
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Im on my own making shi- happen; thats the best way I an describe it; to become the person that can do this again or for the first time; where that is whats on my focus and mind; Not the past.
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The past holds an over whelming horror for me; as it should; I lost everything and was never able to return. Im a refugee in my own country and Im treated like a ghost...
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So; its not easy; in fact I need to write about it; being treated like a ghost.
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I want to come back; come back as me. I want to be me again. I know its possible; but Im a long way out there..
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I want to be the me that used to watch cartoons... Thats who I really am; I never went beyond that. I just want to be that again and start over.
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Something is wrong in my brain; it wont let me see the truth. I dissociate....
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The mens groups will help me as I get more honest and accepting of the losses of my past; I lost everything including all dreams associated with a mother and father; I was orphaned from the beginning and had no idea I was being lied to.
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My goal is to start over. Start as if I wanted or expect the same good things to happen for me as I origionally planned; but that will take work an courage and confidence.
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I wont be getting back anything from this past of this life; as far as I know. The universe will be creating a new me... all new; the person I originally wanted to develop into... And thats going to cause allot of pain and road blocks and land minds going off; Ill be hitting massive amount of PTSD.
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RECOVERY BIRTHDAY
Just had my recovery birthday;
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These are always cool because in the recovery process I get 2 birthdays... My real birthday; My clean or sober date birthday. and that can include sobriety from co dependency or mental illness; the improvements or surviving social anxiety and agoraphobia along with addiction problems and trauma and or hurts habits hangups; what ever it may include. So; its a big day for me for several reasons; others dont get to have this day... I know that. Im not alone. Im still hacking away at it to rebuild and get a life; So; Im still showing up. Meeting makers make it.
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S0; first love; Told other I meant nothing to her proudly... Arrogantly... So; Why would I bother with such a person. I wouldn't; Im not suppose to. Lets assume any normal person would understand this is not a safe person to be around or associate with; and its not. Im a person of value; And this monster sees non of it; time to run. However, my trauma bond to her has me hooked; Im hooked in thought and addiction. I'm addicted to her; Ok fine. because I tried to be in love with her but she was the wrong person to love... And thats a bold hard statement; but its true; its an arrogant statement. it suggests I only fall in love with the cream of the crop and for that very reason; having nothing to do with the persons personality.
However, in this case; it was her personality I was in love with. Where I made a mistake. I was mistaken; her personality was not what I thought it was; I thought she was a broken person just like me. In fact I thought I was looking at a copy of myself and so I understood her completely; I thought God had set it up that way. Im afraid I was actually dealing with a narcissist.. My O My; how did that happen. But it happened to me. And I dont want to admit it.
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So my first love was not love; it was simply a narcissist... that sucks; its beyond humiliation...
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So; my thoughts on the person; I see them as love and positive but their is no proof to substantiate that her personality was something to love. in fact; it was actually the opposite and thats what so scary. I was being used by a sociopath; by a criminal that was lead me on... faking me out... thats all it was; a game player... who thought they had a victim to entrap... I had no idea.
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This wont be the first time I got entrapped by one these...
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The question was; why the hell is it so hard to let go of. ITs because of ego and pride.. mainly Ego; Ego is my problem today...
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Fear is my problem; fear of letting anyone else know I made a big big mistake here... I made a mistake... I opened up to the wrong person. And I did it again. And I cant beat myself up about it; thats whats hard; I feel like my mother and father are going to come in and torture me over it. Someone is going to assault me over it.. hurt me; take advantage of me...
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Goals.
Im warped.. I really am; so sorry but it happened; now Im trying to get through it; its buried deep resentments and brutal hatred to a point of dissociation; its warped me; the hurt and the combination of loss and grieving; unable to grieve; to much loss. so; Im getting it and wanting to get to the core of it and get it out; fear and humiliation and abuse and assaults against me on a daily basis... when sexually abused; I had nowhere to run or hide. nothing; like being stabbed and no way to protect myself; over n over n over n over over...
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As for the girl up the street;
Whats different now then before; The concept that when I think about her and remember her and the real goes fourth again; this time it stops because " I wasnt wanted". Thats the key to acceptance. Regardless of what I remember; it was completely deceptive. I remember her wanting to be chased and flirted with and what appeared to me to be loved and adored and cared about; all of this was contrived.
Whats important is that that moment I dissociate and my mind creates her wanting attention from me or running from me wanting too be chased and I feel like a school boy again; suddenly; It all falls through; because the words; She didnt want me"; These appear; they appear because they come from Jesus or God Universe; The universe is trying to tell me something; Something I did not know; I was being ambushed from the beginning... and I dont mean this in an innocent way; I was being let on the same way a serial killer leads on they victims; it was completely contrived and thought out. It wasnt just spontaneous; This is someone that has practiced this before and uses this on unknowing victims... She led me on; one might say... Completely; This was no friend of mine And the evidence shows someone with no conscious and concern for my life or well being; nothing. This person did not care if they ever saw me again or that they had ever met me.
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Im just getting started on this case concerning his girl. Ive written much about her; but now the evidence is starting to take effect; And as it does; other parts of my past open up that are behind all this; my original self that could not come out because that part of my life was permanently gone. I could not get it back; and the pain of the loss of my young life and everything I knew and loved; was 2 much for me and this girls memory was covering it up because I could believe she liked me and play it over n over in my head and cover up the pain of the past before this.
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The problem was; this girl did not like me. She did don't. And to play a fake tape of her liking me meant I had to create it out of thin air; and I did. I created its meaning...
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Now looking back; I walk into the house after she lets me in. I see her run away a bit wanting to be chased; This time in my imagination; I stop; I just look at her slowly running away from me in the living room and I dont move; I let her. I realized at that moment what she is and whats shes doing; I turn around and walk out and see myself walking home and going to my bed room and praying and just sit. And from their; I would then seek God and a direction God wanted for me... And thats how I would do things... if I did them over. I would never buy into this girl or her house hold or her lying brother... her brother was like her father a pathological lier. I would never associate with them again or get near them; either of them. any of them.
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So; as my mind clears a bit and more sanity comes to mind; I see this addiction for these contrived memories; memories I created that create a kind of feel good narrative; keep me from the truth underneath of my past before I ever met her... Im using her memory as a drug. and scapegoat. And Im using it as dissociation.
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The problem when young; I found I loved her and that was confusing. As much as I dont want to admit this; I could not have actually loved her; I was not around her. So; I took a few moments I actually knew her and applied feel good to it. I coated those memories with FEEl GOOD. And they have been a kind of soothing drug for me... but they did carry me away to another planet... like a drug. But I have to wonder and look at what Im wanting to be drugged from; from the present. What is it in the present I dont want...
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I wanted purpose and she was going to be my purpose; someone to love. So; grabbed deeply a girl that flirted with me a few times; I mean; thats it; thats all their ever was... a few moments in time. And thats it... So; letting go of it has been hard. IT seems ive wanted to use it dissociate and I wont let go of it; its like im manipulating those thoughts for my own purpose.
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What all of this is pointing to is the proof that I was not wanted. That is what is most important and that info is most important because it means I was never safe and never around anyone that wanted me and those monsters or people should be the last people on earth I ever see witness or talk to ever on this earth.. They were not who I imagined them to be. They were horrible criminal types of one type or another; at times; looking very civil and middle class. I mistook weakness for pure evil; dysfunction created through anti social personality types... I thought they were good people who had been hurt; they were just criminal with masks on faking that they were nice people. And looking back; no one else was dumb enough to fall for it. One would have to be purdy desperate for that and I happened to be one of them; I was desperate to belong and be loved by anyone or anything..And so I was a prime target.
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Lets move on to my best friend growing up. More work concerning that person is needed; I know what he was; So it makes it easier...he was another anti social personality type hiding in a blue suit; you might say. Pure evil. I simply had no idea.
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Because I saw him again and was able to apply some of my newer knowledge when analyzing the situation with him.
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So; looking at the school yard when young without him their; because technically thats the way it should have been; I would have been all alone in my childhood. I dont know; Ill pray about what it would have been like... Who would I have wanted to meet. I may not have had any close friends. So; I see It as not being protected ever... I dont know; not good. I was already traumatized.
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I see my best friend in his house; Im going down the stairs with him from the kitchen; Id done it a thousand times; This time its different; I think it was caught in my memory at a deeper level. I have to look at this and shutter... and I want to get to the point I sift through all of this mis information; information that has no real value but I gave a flavor to and value when their was non; the flavor was of a sour death... Something like rotting dead bodies; I say this metaphorically; meaning; it was actually evil but I felt safe and conferrable. I had no idea. Im mad about all of this. I really am angry. Scared; now that I look at it; It means I never came from any of the background I thought I did; never really had any friends. Nothing. And that is good that I recognize this...
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So; Where to go from here.
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Lets get back to that stair well leading to the basement at my friends house I was just talking about. That is an area of closeness and physical closeness literally going down the stairs because I remember it.
I have to wake up town those stairs; meaning right now. Wake up and look at the memories with no emotions; take away the niceties I added to it. take them away; these happy emotions; or positive good feelings... let the memories stand on their own. Im afraid when I do this its not going to turn out pleasant. And it wont; its more satanic and I feel taken advantage of. Im not around friends; Im being deceived. Im bering lied to. These people are not what they claim to be. They are nasty evil people. And Im not getting the message that God is trying to send me. Im ignoring it. I wasnt wanted there... I was being used their.
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Can I accept that I was not wanted their. Not yet; sort of; but not completely but Yes. but I still have a middle set of thoughts that are still fighting to belong their. and when I write this I start to dissociate so I wont be able to fix them; those middle thoughts turn them around.
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SO; Im addicted to those thoughts because if I hang on to those lies; I get to live in this fantasy lie... And today I dont want fantasy lies because I dont need them; need them as much.
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I was trying to run away; thats why I was at his house in the first place; I had no house of my own; it was an empty place; like their were no parents in it... if I was at his house most of the time; I could live at both places... have the best of both world but then I would have to deal with the problems of school system where I was being neglected and not doing any work of any kind. That would have to be addressed. And I cant do this right now.
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So; breaking down the memories of my friend and I going down the stair well. IT hurts to break this apart but it has to be; the fawn'd memories are not real. meaning; Ive put the wrong emotions of love and safety and confidence and belonging associated to those experiences; when in reality I was never around anyone that liked me. IT was all fake.
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Suddenly; crime tape; the yellow kinds used by the Department of corrections when a crime has been committed; Suddenly Im outside her house; I see the lawn; I see the drive way. Tape is in front of the house the lawn the drive way. Tape is in front of me; Now Im seeing her place from a small distance; 40-70 feet away; and then 200 feet away. Im just standing there looking at it in my imagination. I cant go further then the tape. Im up next to it; its about 30 feet off the yard and drive way.. Its been rap'd around trees to create a giant square inclosure.
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Im just standing looking at it. Im not allowed in anymore. Why! because its a death seen; it always was. I never allowed in their in full dissociative disorder; I was not even or allowed to remember any of this; I was not allowed in... I was not allowed to remember the city this happened in; with this girl.
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Its as if God opened all this up for me to process but it has always been a satanic been of murder and death.. And I was the victim. Thats how serious this is.
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And now; after getting answers; suddenly The house and everything inside out outside is surrounded by crime tape and I cant enter.
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I remember when my oldest brother died; God did the same thing to me concerning him. At some point; crime tape around where he died; where he starved to death. God Rest his soul! I was not allowed in. God told me; go play... This is for the universe now.
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And God suddenly is allowing me to see this girls house for what it aways was before I was allowed to get involved in the memories; a place of brutal death; but the death was me; I was the one who died.
Now God is pulling me from the house and that experience. at least showing me that Im slowly moving on from it slowly...
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I will come back to it; its not over I dont think. But maybe; but I dont know. maybe not. But now; every time I see a memory of her; or Im standing next to her in my memories; I am whisked outside the crime tape.. And Im stopped and I just watch and see an empty house and yard... Almost like looking at a ghost house.
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Hopefully God will continue to help me.
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This happened with my best friends house. I was not to go near it; it was all blocked off by God in my imagination; I would take a side street then go near it; it was all blocked off with crime tape as if an evil act had been done their.
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Still; lots more work in those places; but God is sending some kind of message that It is slowly shoring up. meaning; the whole of working on this is disappearing . However, many more sessions will go on.
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But this is the first time I ever saw crime tape around her house in my imagination and I on the outside; I know what that means; it means Im gaining ground and gaining personal power back; and that means sanity...
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We will see; I have so much more to go in order to unearth my childhood and the real me and get me back... and deal with all the grieve of all the losses...
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