July 2025
June 2025
Blog;
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Half Way through adolescent period.
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Most of the work I've been doing; working through past relationships, is about working through the adolescent period.
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Most of the brokenness and failed attempts at relationships; these are all occurring during a few years before and after and during adolescent period..
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I could not face or stand up to the overwhelming problems of that time period; I was alone.
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The attempts at making friends; failed. I did feel used and miserable and horrified by the way I was played and treated; However; One main issues stands out; The people I wanted as friends; They were not attracted to me and where not interested. IT seems I just couldn’t didnt get the message to walk away; I wasn't wanted; these were not the right people for me; This concept was "over my head" at the time… Everything was over my head at the time.
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The point of meeting people in my adolescent time period; To develop. I mean; I wanted a life like anyone else but I had way special needs; I had to get my own development; I needed people that would help me; I was all alone. No one cared about me.
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I tried; I tried to get others who might help; they weren’t interested; They used me led me on; played me; threw me away; I didn’t get it; understand what was going on. I was extremely damaged from this. I was innocent and didn’t understand anything; what was going on.
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So; I tried; I was defeated over n over so many times; I just decided and went away.. I dropped out; dropped out of everything and never came back to life or reality.. I went away physically and mentally and never returned.
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Now after years of work in the recovery process; And working through a continues "run of interest" in past relationships; Im making progress. In past relationship attemps; I was cut off before I could develop any relationships.
Im learning how to slowing work through my developmental time period on my own with Gods help and others.
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And; How am I doing? Im half way through.
Im working with information and situations from the past; my past; deciphering what happened; who I was dealing with; went went wrong on what ever side; trying to look for answers; very good; very important to my present process.
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I am working through old things; Im rewriting old stories so they bi pass the problems Ill face down that road when young.
Im writing new narratives; stories about helpers and people sent by God to help.
Im working strongly with God…and recovery process.
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So; where am I in all of this; Im legally legitimately half way through the problems of my original adolescent period.
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Im about 50% the way through; This includes all the work I would have done with friends and others during that period so I could grow into new friendships and feel ready and part of new communities; not just an outcast throw away… What I mean; Ive done allot of consistant work down this pathway and Im half way through it... However; a big big gap is in front of me now; I have to learn how to jump over; work through. Ill do it; its a bit of a steep mountain..
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So; this is seriously good news. Anyway. I get what I work for… And Ive gotten this far. It is wonderful to know Ive actually been able to stand up to the past information and memories and thoughts that kept me down. Now; with Gods help; I fact those memories and I began to decipher those memories breaking out the truth from them that I can analyze the past. This has allowed me to chop memories into small pieces; look at their information; break down the lies from the truths; And learn how to accept the truths and move forward…
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In many cases Im working through past relationships that were defeated; that I never benefited from when they were present. Now Im working through them and benefiting from working through them; its helping me grow and develop through the adolescence time period I was pushed out of.
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The adolescent time period was shut off; it never was; it never developed; it was complete neglect by outside sources; no one cared. It simply never got started; it vanished before it ever appeared and with it all information or development I would need for a normal upbringing or life.
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Now; Im changing that. Im working hard heading forward through this with Gods help And many others helping me.
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Im very close; close to breaking through to a more powerful matured me I guess. I mean; I guess thats whats happening; the ability to stand up on my own and face whats in front of me and stay steadfast. Im learning. I get what I earn; Im not there yet but Im continually working on it.
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NOTE: I could not work on it when I was young; I was under to much abuse and pressure and intimidation by adults around me; on all sides… No one was on my side; nothing. Maybe a brother. No one else. Any friends I had suddenly they weren’t my friends anymore… They were kind of waiting in the wings for me to fall so they could have an excuse to get me out of their life. I never knew. I didn’t know this at the time. I was an innocent victim; I didn’t do anything wrong. And yet the whole world was trying to tear me down and destroy me.
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So; here I am now under Gods care; learning how to develop in a God Pathway; stay out of all other pathways… Gods will not mine… Not Mine! Thank God.. Not again! I can stay safe from myself! Stop meddling in other peoples lives. Leave them alone; I was never wanted by them in the first place
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So; Im learning how to develop in my adolescent period. Its very slow But Im working with God… And if I keep going; God will graduate me to a higher level if I ask for help. If Im willing to work for it and get help to do so…
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MUSIC CREATION;
Its happening.
What Im learning; Im going from Unicorn fantasy land to reality. As I move into Reality; because I choose to. I take with it the responsibility of the truth of the situation; And that truth is; Im going from fantasizing about being a musician into the reality of being a musician.
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In the reality of being a musician; Its all work; I start out with no skills; I start out with nothing and I start; I start practicing and its o so slow. It is what it is because I never learned any skills; not the kind to put a Key-rig ( a group of synthesizers and stage piano and extra musical electronic gear for live work) To put a key rig together; write songs and music comps then go perform them. I have to practice every aspect of all of this to learn how to take multiple parts of a thing; and make them work together; meaning through learning new complex skills of all kinds at all levels.
Im now willing to try this; its been happening. Ive noticed big changes in my behavior and interests. Ive experienced what its like to truly attempt new things I never really attempted before; all new skills never learned; untouched.
Its all new; coming into reality.
How do you play a electronic drum finger drumming trigger controller pad and the stage piano at the same time; And try to squeeze a base line in somewhere; Cant say it better then this; all comps will be written out generally speaking.
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I have to learn how to juggle several different parts of different instruments at the same time. Im thinking about getting an electronic foot peddle board with triggers I can press down on with feet. The purpose; I put this under the stage piano; play a bass part with my feet on it while im playing the chords n melody on the piano; however; Ill also play the drum pads at the same time… So; lots of learned skills have to be mastered for all of this.
I am starting to attempt it from the crude beginning.
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Relationships; The goal is to work with God get back up on my feet in reality working through the adolescence time period.
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SO; What is next; Well; working with others; working with God down God Pathway strengthening this pathway under God; strengthening it until Im strong enough to come out on the other side as a standing up person in reality who can handle my interests in life.. standing up to them; standing up to the requirements of them. Learning about how to work with the responsibility of a thing… learning how to be professional about a thing; That would be a huge accomplishment.
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The next big thing is; Becoming and doing more down the God pathway and watching myself grow into a stronger person in reality… Making it over that next big Wall!~ within my development of the adolescence period Im now working thorough.
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