July 2025
June 2025
I forget that the women that like me; they know Im on disability.... But I keep thinking they dont really know. I mean. They dont really know me. They dont really know im really mentally not home; Im destroyed; Im not here. I keep thinking; they cant know; they think their getting someone who just cant work but other then that function fine. Not true; I'm crazy. Im still dilutional; not home. Im way basket case. Cant be present; way to much PTSD.. Cant deal with basics... I mean. Im slowly getting better.
For a women to even take an interest in me; damn; I need to jump at the chance; its just; I dont want them getting involved with me and then leaving because Im not enough... And Im scared of getting hurt; falling for someone and they are not who they claim they are and I get destroyed; I dont want that.
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Ill work with God on it. I dont want evil people involved in my life that will run me over and hurt me. thats the problem. I dont trust anyone. And I dont trust why someone would want to be with me. CPTSD; I get paranoid and delusional and anti social; I dont trust anyone.. Its where Im mentally ill. So; I think; no girl is going to want to be with someone like this... They would run off after finding out what their with... Violent outrages... hiding; non functioning; wanting sex all the time because Im not present... over sensitive to everything.
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And I dont appreciate the women that God has sent because I dont believe it. I dont believe they really know who I am;. If they did they'd run. and I think they do run. They stop taking me seriously and those are not the type of women I want in my life.
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This women thing has been or is the hardest thing. And ive got to try to come to grips with it. Its about being up close and intimate and emotional personal; My PTSD is about being destroyed up close and personal; so my mind wont allow it.
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Its like Im reliving things all the time and Im not here; and then a women is around me but doesn't know how Im sick; sees me from the distance and is interested in me. And I start crumbling because I have to deal with the reality of what Im not... That Im broken; and it shows up when she shows up because I get instant feed back.... And Im delusional. And the shame is overwhelming and the defeat.. Will she really accept me or she liked me because she thought I was different then that; that I didnt have any real problems. I just had dysfunctions..
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So; Im still sick; still disabled. And their is the problem. I dont know how to bring someone into my life when Im disabled. And their it is... I dont want to get mentally hacked up to death...
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So; I have to just go for it.. and see what happens.. See if anyone is interested; sell myself and I dont like that. But; what else can I do; I didnt want that; I wanted respect. ... for bering in a lofty position and I try to act that way but with women; it doesn't work like that.,
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When a women wants a relationship with me. I let it go to my head and I love narcissistically falling for myself...
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When a women wants a relationships with me; I dont feel even closely good enough. I feel like an imposter; its all fake. she doesn't really want a real relationship with me does she. Im just a little kid inside. she really doesn't want me does she.
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Ive seen some women that pretended to like me but at a certain point where they would have had to become submissive; and that would have been fine for them if their heart was really in it; I was testing them; they failed; went out with someone else that appeared better then me.. And once that happened; God got me out of there...
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ive had only one women come back round; shes with another man. but Ive allowed her on my Facebook friends list. Only one. The rest think Im a fool; a harmless weakling not to be taken seriously. I pray about those women and God has the door locked on them... they dont seem to understand the bigger picture...
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So; As I get better; I wait upon God.
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Im delusional and shy because of it and embarrass and feel shame... but instead of being present with those feelings; my present with battling PTsD; Part of my mind is not present and its battling someone and something else. It appears Im ruff and tuff but in reality; im not here. Im not present.
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I had one girl that liked me; but after she went out with another guy in front of me; she got her social status back; but she lost me. Thats because her social status was more important. the last time I saw her I would not get near her... it was like being in a movie where she was the higher level deck of important people and I was on the lower deck and some how on the ramp we met. I would not say a word.. She asked me if it was me; I said yes very softly and withdrawn; she turned around and left. She later saw me and gave me sad eyes. I was like. This means nothing to me. She makes me sick and her boyfriends and who ever else she associates with; how did this ever happen to me...
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So; I have to work with God; Im blind. And I made dilutions of the people I meet; I make them into nice people where they are not nice people; Im living in a PTSD state; a dissociative state..
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I was thinking about my best friend growing up; he turned out to be a monster. How in the hell was that possible. How could I have completely skipped who that individual was.. Well; Ted Bundy; same complaint. He had friends; they had no idea what he was... Until later...
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So; I have to remember who I am. But ive got this ego and I forget; what I think about myself is not what these people; women; are looking at. And when I realize that; I clam up and cant handle the reality of who they are looking at... what they really see. I want to put on an act but I cant. I mean; its impossible.
I dont know; Ill wait for the next women God will send; but I can already tell; I have to be down to earth; for a Moment I felt it and then suddenly it was gone.
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So; I go back n fourth. I dont trust me ever liking a women ever again. I feel like its a death trap. To be innocent and just like someone. I want to be in control and go save them; safer.
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Ive had women want to save me; but if I didnt respond in the right amount of time; she picked up someone else right in front of me and saved them; as If I was discarded and of no value in the first place; and Im tryiing to wake up and get over that; meaning; Did I really loose that much by losing someone like this... I have to wake up to reality. Im trying to wake up; the child in me inserts history from his background; and suddenly im a child again a victim looking up at a cruel world I cannot fight back within. And I get mad and want to kill the whole world. Im stuck... And I feel women do this to me; set me up this way. These women cant be people that actually like me or want to see me again or value me; impossible.
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I was looking on Facebook couples and some of them; I like; This chick dont like you dude; shes using you. Dont you get it; if you didnt have all that material stuff; shed be gone. Im almost laughing. But suddenly I thought about the kind of girl God would bring me to relate with; and I had that but through that away. So; I have to learn to stop throwing it away when God brings it...
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Ill have to work through the women of the past; get that straitened out and start over; let God then bring new women into my life after ive healed; I can heal in this area if I want to; if I do the work; the work is not easy or fast buts possible. I dont have to continue to be broken completely; we will see. Im getting closer; I mean; as I write Im almost able to see a new situation all the way through; almost. Thats years better then where I was at before. Im still cut off from dissociation; More work... more healing. Getting my mind better and onto better things... thats whats happening; it will happen if I keep working toward it.
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Ill work with God on these issue; women and disability; Let God heal me and bring both of us together at the same frequency.
Our partner
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