July 2025
June 2025
I have blocks; places my mind goes into the past and looks at what happened I cant handle and what I wished would have happened. Now; a third area; where Im at now in reality and the strength and power of now; being here now. Being present; not in the past.
.
So; PTSD brain in the past... Im slowly working through that to emerge into the present. Im learning how to focus on the present; The problem is the middle ground; all the bad stuff that happened that is not processed; and the grieving of the past.
.
Maybe Ill sit and write about it so I can get in touch with what I Was going to do with my life when young and start over... Im still not connected to that person; its still like looking through a monitor at who I was in the past; like a TV show going by; but Im much closer to integrating more n more of myself and goals from that time period. Ill keep working at it.
.
I'm frustrated because I want that person back; back in the present.. not disconnected like its another alter... I want that information integrated back into my life. being part of me.
.
.
Ive worked through just enough of the past to know its all in my nervous system and mind and emotions but not real.. Its thoughts that have over came me... That have taken over my brain completely until I dont know where im at...
.
Im getting somewhere but not enough yet. Im still in the fear and terror of the past but Im also present where non of that exists And in the present Im working on new narratives for my goals in the future and present.
.
The goal is to get back to the present working through the trauma of the past; all of it; brining all of me present again.
.
Ill keep working with the universe. One of the problems are the bullies that got into my face and my space; that ruptured me... and the sexual abuse and stuff like that. Im trying to work through those things and not be a victim anymore; Im not sure what to do about them... keep working at it,.
.
The goal is to keep writing narratives about what I want or expect to happen in the future. Keep writing as if its already happened and add lots of emotional interest; For example. I love my new car; I love opening the door; it feels so good to open it and look around. When I see the stereo I feel so enlightened and exited when I turn on the tuner and the music is blaring and when I sit down in the seat I feel like a race car driver... And so on... emotions..
.
So; its hard to say what is going on here. Im getting better; my mind is clearing.. its not perfect. I still have it owned at a deep level by those who over ran me when I was young. One of the keys to success is to break the trauma bonds of all those when young. It seems many people had them on me and I didnt know it. The first girl I loved had one on me. The best friend up the street had one on me; I guess. My mother and father had them on me. one set of grand parents had one on me at different level. I was bought and sold; did not have my own life. So the trauma bond affect appeared from all of these people including teachers... I was hated or over ran with contempt by others. I did not trust others. I still dont. For good reason.
.
So; getting my life back; not yet. Not in reality yet. Its still owned by others.
.
As for trauma bond; could be it was from parents but being ran down I was affected by others. Looking back; say; best friend up the street; He appears just as much a perpetrator as anyone else; he was using me; he was not a friend of mine; he was manipulating me as much as anyone else. He was just as bad. I did not know when I was in grade school. I know now. I knew he was no friend of mine when that family system I was living with was destroyed or disintegrated... My best friend up the street was no friend. Nothing. So; I guess he and his family just faked it when I came over? I dont know. non of it makes any sense; maybe it was a form of personal power to use people or think he was superior. I must remember what he was like when I met him at a later date in his life; Pathological. He had very little human conscious; he was a successful financial person but had no value for me as a person. Im assuming it was like that from the beginning and I became friends with him because I had no one else in my life.
.
So; I have allot of work to do on my life. I know Im still sick; very mentally ill. Ill have to pray to come out of it; the dissociative disorder. I still live through allot of PTSD and a time period when I was very small. The key is to slowly come out of that stuff that makes me unconscious.
.
It never occurred to me I was being use by my best friend. He never came to my house; I always went to his; so; my memories are always at his house. This never bothered me when young; its not until he turns on me at a later date; In fact; he turns on me when Im 9-10 years old. So; their is some kind of passive aggression involved. He did not want me as a friend; but did it anyway?
.
Most of the value of my young life is remembered at his house; all my memories; And all of those memories meant something; All the people I visited; all of it meant something; like I was in control. However, no schooling; I was flunking out in school. So; the past has to be changed. I have to look at my childhood in reverse; as someone focusing on school and acting as if I never met that person because I spent to much time at his house and nothing studying for my future. And Ill have to look at that...
I néver attempted a relationship with teachers to do well; nothing; I guess I was 2 scared and I had no one on mysids; nothing. no adults. I thought about school but was stopped from growing at age 5 or less; maybe 3 or less.
.
I know this; I remember movies when I was a kid; And I loved them. But I watched them at age 10 or 9 and they were made for 5 year olds... later I realized how I had hid in movies and tv shows for my future. because at one point; like 2nd grade; that is all I had.
.
.
The key to my success now is to keep exposing the past until the truth breaks; until I can see things for the truth; not the dissociate delusional way I wanted things to be. I lived a specific life I enjoyed when very young but did not do any schooling; could not get involved. So; nobody was their for me... ridiculous.
.
I still have time to turn things around... Thats why Im working so hard on things. But I have to become present again.
ITs terror and fear; and being overwhelmed with reality. Thats the problem. fear is a huge one.
.
What I have to do is; pray for the kinds of people and experiences Im interested in and start writing stories about them as if they have already happened and start visualizing them. keep working on this stuff on a daily basis.
.
The bullies of the past and CPTSD and dissociative disorder and abuse make it hard to get into my own brain where its dissociated out of existence... Where their is abuse and molestation. Their was no love; nothing. I was stripped of my home . That rupturing is something Ill have to really look at and I think I can at a deeper more real level now because Im starting to get some of it back. Some of what I had is starting to come back... I want more of it...
This time; certain key players are not involved. specifically my first best friend and the girl who lived up the street; first love; or the concept that made any of that happen.... Hopefully ive learned my lesson of being manipulated by strangers.
.
.
I know of this women; a women from the groups; she is not safe; she is another sociopath; I was going to say sadistic; OKe; thats how I see it. She is a distance from me; I never did get involved with her; I stayed away; However, even staying away; she will attack from a distance trying to put me down or gather control when Im in a group. Ive been around for a while and know how to survive in groups; so I stay low and dont respond...
.
Im trying to imagine I have up crime tape between me and her. I notice the child in me sees her as my mother; and its her body language that is triggering it. And so the adult in me is resisting; With Gods help I am imagining im putting up crime tape between me and her... Its a weird bond I feel between me and her. And because I said Bond; That says; TRUAMA BOND... And I notice she response to that trauma bond and plays on it as if she has control of me; she tries; and keeps it up but I dont respond to it. So; I believe she does this with everyone she meets in order to stay in control. She is attractive to some part of me; but not. Its more like being pulled into her with a tractor beam. Is not really attraction; I know she is dangerous. a dangerous narcissist. So; I know better; but I feel apart of me going to sleep and the rest of me going near her. However, not with God and the adult me; and in my imagination Im putting up crime tape between me and her from a distance when ever Im in the rooms and she is in the rooms.. and I stay away from her separated... Its hard for me to imagine crime tape is up between us; So; Im even being controlled in my own mind. And that is important to report on. Very important; this tells me allot about who I am and how I sell myself short or cell myself out. Or dealing with trauma bond and sociopaths.
.
.
So my mothers affect on me and fathers; I was shut down into a state of dissociation and viewing but never expressing... I learned to be defensive. it was not safe expressing.
.
My mother tried to ruin three lives; no doubt she ruined many more that I dont know about.
.
So; now Im trying to get on my own without them. Get back on my feet.
.
Whats interesting is; I still have the child personalty within me that was attracted to my best friend; thats why he was my best friend; to be attracted into making him a friend... and the first girl I loved; those people are still in me. meaning Im still in me.
.
The point is; What ever made them attractive people to me; its still in me because Im just now waking those parts of self up again. They do not have any recovery; they are being looked at; I have not had a chance to put them through the recovery process and get straitened up.
.
They were swindlers; bad people; taking advantage... spoiled rich kid types I guess. And those are the worst monsters. really; no one should eve be around that type of people. No one!
.
I think allot of one type of criminal are spoiled rich kids; the type.... Not good... They lie cheat manipulate.... anyway.. Thats who I was attracted to. Rich kids that lied and cheated and sociopathic...
.
Im wondering if their traits where my mothers traits. I was attracted to something and I dont know why! Stability. They had money; they represented what I saw on TV shows... Maybe. but it wasnt the money. I didnt know they had money.
.
They put on acts and I fell for them; and then later it was revealed to me who they were.
.
One of the main issues is; most people are not OUT looking for new people to be friend like I did. I imagine allot of bad people out their with their doors open waiting for naive simps to just walk through the door so they can take advantage of them.
.
I felt at home with them until They told me I was of no value to them and no value to their families. I never knew and I never understood. And strangely; maybe I still dont. Why did they hang out with me. Actually I called them. I guess they had nothing better to do;. they saw a benefit in vs being alone for that day I guess. but they were never my friends; they didnt value me love me cherish me or want me. I was not wanted by these people; any of them... And yet those are the people Im trying to change. Those are the people I want attention from.
.
Today I know better. I mentioned the manipulating women in one of the meetings; They are Good; they are very good at suckering people in. It doesnt work on me. Because its like Ive got a good guy in me and wont allow it to happen to get close or fall for it. I keep my distance but its still a lure... just like a fisherman is going after a fish; thats what they are doing. They are throwing out the bait to me.
.
This girl in the meetings is horribly confidence acting... she ignores people; me! But it doesnt work. Narcissist tactics.. I mean; she really doesnt care who I am. I mean nothing to her and it pulls me toward her. But I know better; its all manipulation by a sociopath. criminal based.
.
So; I now have to learn; they are the criminals and to stay away from them; put up that crime tape between me in them within my imagination; we will start with that.
.
.
.
Parts of me are coming back. its a true miracle. but this is no game; its all very serious and its surrounding the breakdowns I had and they were many and they left my mind gone...
.
So; Im doing the work to recover and I have no idea what will bring about more recovery; I just keep praying and working act things.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], mc1, Yahoo [Bot]
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Where Im at now
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.063s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.26
Time : 3.063s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.26