July 2025
June 2025
Where am I at now.
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Im going beyond the fake friends; The “Im a stranger” friends from my past and Im beginning to retrace the steps of my mother and father; That direct path; They are ghosts of Christmas past; However; their pathway is alive; Im going down their pathway. What does this mean?
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Fake friends of the past;
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Theyve been confronted in my mind; theyve been confronted enough in my mind that my power and self worth have risen; their power and worth to me has fallen to normal levels.
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I find out their not my friend; They are not “with me”; not my friends; not on my side. Theyve been using me the whole time; Theirs no future with them. Their was never anything with them. They felt nothing for me; Nothing to start with..
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“They become strangers I see myself walking by with no mind…
they are strangers Ill never to see again; as I trudge forward down a God Pathway”.
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The God Pathway is retracing my parents steps; Altho they are not with me; I remember them; and I put one foot forward and the other down their pathway; a pathway they were suppose to take me down; develop me and protect me “ but they did not”. Ill be going down that same pathway; this time retracing it with God… And I am right now. It starts.
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Im damaged goods; beat up from the street up; this is not free; Its a lonely venture; and Im alone. Yet; Im a bit tougher then I used to be and not so lost. Im further along and down the right pathway…
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PEOPLE OF THE PAST: Fake friends and such; they were do good’rs; fakes. Not my friends; opportunists of some sort; I don’t know; does it really matter; they use people as objects; or atleast me. They were not personalized. They showed up; took what they wanted and split… And that was the end of that… opportunists; monster; predators.
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Attraction is not a choice…
If someone is not attracted to me; read the red light stops signs; Red Flags and run; for it is my folly in the end; not the other persons if I must continue with my illusions. Even Jesus will tell me; Its not their fault. Its up to me to find out if they are attracted to me. If they feel nothing; They never will. Talk to God; get a deep relationship with a higher power; And move on! GET HELP; Their are more ships in the harbor then the Dead Titanic. If Im still lingering around that ruinous monument; maybe its time to talk to a psychologist or local mental health; I might have a problem. A good 12 step group always helps…
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TRUST:
Im not trustworthy; I cant be trusted; thats the problem with relationship; I cant trust myself; Ill mess up and make mistakes; if I tell the other person this; confess to them; ask for help; they put emotional handcuffs on me and control me. And for me to give into that is to give into the idea of a relationship. In other words; I could have been in relationships if I told the truth… I was 2 afraid to tell the truth because I might be in a relationship if I did. And if that happens; All the triggering of sexual abuse and abusers comes back.. feel unsafe in relationships and relive PTSD CPTSD all the time and many other dissociative qualities.
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DEALING WITH SEXUAL ABUSE; THE TIME PERIOD AND THE PEOPLE SURROUNDING IT: THE BLOG FOR THIS IS COMING NEXT!
Im almost at this point. I can practice new thoughts. I can work with the universe to change the narratives in my brain around this time period; allot of deeper shame for what appears of me not being able to fight back or run away… It has the shame piece of giving me… Not protecting myself or running; but I was 2 young. I was a child.. Its sickening; it is what it is; Monsters. Unbelievable. No parents anymore. No where to go… no where to hide; no locks upon the doors…
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Getting stronger; hanging in; not giving up. Dont give up! Get support; work with Higher power… Keep going.
Im able to make gratitude lists that have some effect on me.. When I was younger I would follow through with Gratitude lists but it did I write them enough for change. I don’t know. Now I have more appreciation for them. Im old tho….
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Sticking to my Goals;
Prayer and meditation and writing up my goals as narratives already accomplished with great positive reinforcements; Lots of positive energy…
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Gratitude lists…
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Laws of attraction; Manifestation…
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From Childhood through Adolescent period onto beginning teen level and beyond a bit; this is the goal; and its coming about finally. Ive worked long n hard and mainly blind emotionally with limited maturity. Yet; Ive arrived to a point of participating in changes for my life… I am seeing some action and directed power source from above. Im seeing pathways light up. Im seeing the ability to work with God and let go of unwanted people from the past that never liked me or had my best wishes in mind; They were users of people. As I let go of those people; I let go into the darkness… I stand with Jesus alone in the dark. However; Jesus has got a flash light so we are not lost. He points it ahead of both of us as we wonder in the dark field of yearly morning night fall. Soon completely un hinged from the past; We are on our own; Jesus and I!
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We keep walking; Soon I spot it; its blue sandstone walk away stepping stones; flat rock…. They are kind of darkly lit up… enough that its a walk away. Its a walk away of my mother and father; it is the pathway I was suppose to walk down with them. This is the pathway to my life. I will walk this with God and yet God will divert at times for my best interest. Im not sure how far this pathway goes… To age 16 or 18? I don’t know. Ill walk it and encounter all the growing experiences down blue rock pathway…
That is where Im going now!
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Problems; Weight loss…
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Some other problems have emerged… Looking for solutions.
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