July 2025
June 2025
Ive always been dissociative and never fit into the outside world. Ive never worked; not really; certainly not at anything I would want to; never made choices for myself concerning work... No relationships; not ones I want to ever talk about it; sickening... Ive never had a first love; a real first love I actually dated; nothing... and after that; I never wanted to be with anyone ever again; I never cared anymore... So; Ive never been outside; not really; and been myself; no!
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How do I put this; ive never been outside. Ive never been out their and done anything at all; nothing I wanted to or liked; I was always forced into stuff because of the environment... but its much worse then that.. I did love one girl; that was authentic; I did create that; but it was over with days because I didnt make a pass at her; and it was over within a day; within days.... over before it ever got started.
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I wanted to be a good student; never got a chance; it was destroyed.
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And the faster I look at these things and accept them; and become my real self again; a person hiding all my life with nothing outside; no development; the better chance I have to be outside and try new things.
Ive never had any really close friends; I had horrible evil false friends at one time; sickening; I mean way beyond it. They were not real friends of mine; its unbelievable.
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Anyway; it matters not accept to keep working with God on all these things...
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Im at least getting more honest.
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With my brother dying; Ive woken up a bit; I dont know what that means.. I mean; I kind of died from the same things that destroyed me; he was just like me; a carbon copy; but he never got chance from the beginning they kept pulling the rug out on his life breaking him; making him docile; to the point of completely learned helplessness; he couldnt be himself if he wanted to be; and neither have I been able to...
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So; Im looking at the outside world as a strange place; a place of potential growth and development in the right directions if God would allow it...
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I feel like an 8 year old kid who is wondering about his daily direction for the first time; where am I suppose to be and what am I suppose to be doing...
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So; Im wondering where God wants me "outside". what am I suppose to be doing; where do I go... What would work for me or sound fun... Ill maybe start writing up what I want to do outside....
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ITs time to drop the girl interest from the meetings; the girl from 1 1/2 years ago; that has not been easy to get over; Im over a little bit of it; but not all of it.. and I have to move on. I dont like the pictures Im getting of moving on again. I dont get it.
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Im not sure anymore what Im looking for in women... I dont know; I nice person that cares about me that I find adorable. I dont know but I dont trust; over n over over n over over n over n over this happens with the wrong people ; they are not trust worthy.. I hate this... just Hustlers.... so sick of them; seems like the world is either made up of predators or Hustlers; thats all society is anymore...
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Not sure.. I dont know who to ask God to bring into my life... Non of them have been trust worthy; non of them have valued me for who I am. I mean; nothing. Zero; its horrid and strange and scary... No value for me; nothing....
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I have allot of work to do. The thing I hate about attracting women is; It takes so long.. I mean; I want them showing up tomorrow... but I have to know what Im looking for... I continue to have a better idea. Im just looking for a nice girl; a girlfriend.. Someone nice that I get along with ....
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I guess... Ive given up on loving anyone. I mean; romantic love; Ive never had it; I tried a few times; no one loves me or wants to...
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it seems like decent men have no value to anyone out here anymore..... They dont even exist in the eyes of the world...
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Ill be on my knees praying for her; what I want. I dont know... I dont know if this area is ever going to be fixed... So fare; all I get is hustled; thats all I get out of it...
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I guess Im moving back into it again; that space... meaning my recovery again with the same goals as before...
As for women; I have to define what Im looking for and really work with God on this; but Ive got such hatred and anger; pure hate... at this point... deep revenge based hatred... anger.... an Honest mans anger..... but I cant afford it.. anyway; ........
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Back to defining what I want...
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