July 2025
June 2025
Goals;
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Lyrics
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New God;
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Where am I at right now.
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Reality is;
As I wake up in many areas of self; I find myself just as mind damaged as in my young youth from long term severe levels of PTSD… CPTSD…
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Im still ruptured from Trauma…
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I remember someone saying in college; “ Your the guy that doesn’t work”; They said this because I COULDN'T WORK… I couldn’t function…
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I still cant function.
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This has affected every level of relationships for the future and work/occupations/education…. Talents/hobbies; everything. Making money; This did not exist nor the understanding of any reality in the real world. I was not here; not present.
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Today I still suffer from the same trauma; I would like to say its gone down; I do feel better; and my attitude of hope is 100% better ; How ever; not the core; I still remain ruptured. Im much much better; Much better at coping with symptoms ; However; my nervous system and brain/mind; still ruptured from trauma; cant function. I dont drink anymore; Thank GOd; but Ill be in recovery rooms for the rest of my life...
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What are my goals.
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WORK; Its not my goal to have a full time job; its my goal to try to become normal. Learning how to maybe do side jobs to get more money for food or clothing or gasoline if God willing; I work at getting a car… I want to learn how to survive just like everyone else…. In the real world.
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I don’t want to be that guy that is tagged with; “ Hes the guy that doesn’t work”; I want to find some solutions for that on my own… learn to fit in a little better into society. I am old; but still want to experience some personal independence. Learning how to take responsibility for myself where I can.
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I want to take college classes… Things like Art and sculpture….
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Girlfriend;
Im finally beginning to kind of see what Im looking for… Im an absolute beginner; never really had a girlfriend. Anyone I really liked I felt safe with that I could have a long term relationship with….. Someone I choose and sought after; and presented my wielding ways to... Meaning; selling myself; presenting myself... Never had anyone I wanted to this with... Id like to be like anyone else and learn how to do these things in a state of independence... practice; experience; taking action.
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Note; Ive never done these things After accepting myself as I am... with the disabilities I have. I want to accept myself and go out into the world and work with GOd and others at my frequency level and learn how to live...
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Im seeing it…
I have to become independent and go out under Gods care and meet people.
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In the past; I may have had some chances with people but I never told them the truth; instead I run off feeling useless… I ran away believing no one would ever like me… Why bother… So; I would like to do some work on myself get up to speed; under Gods pathways and let God bring some candidates for dating. And just kind of; on my own; learn to get to know people; feel my way through and start dating again.
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This time; I tell the truth… I don’t care if Im ancient; and I am; but this time I tell the truth…. I can see this coming… all of this… Not saying its easy; not saying Im experienced at it. Not saying Im any good at it; How could I be; I got no experience in the real world at it; Nothing. Just walls that shut me off. However; I don’t want that to stop me… I want to just go do it anyway and see what happens. But this time; work with God and God pathway; and stop blaming others because they didn’t take care of me. I have to learn how to become smart and responsible.
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So…
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It starts with my ability to accept myself and where Im really at in the universe and work with God on it. Amen…..
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Music creation and performance
Art creating and presentation of Art?
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Lets start with those things.
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Lets talk about drumming; who knows; maybe… who knows; Ill just work with God on it….
Id probably need a new place to live… OK. Ill work with God on all of this. Amen.
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