July 2025
June 2025
Im trying to get past the place where I laugh and give up when I think about her. Im blocked; I see the psychopaths. and I dont follow through with her and then I think its humorous that I dont. But thats not the real me; thats the nervous laugh. The nervous laugh of rage and anger and hatred in me of what happened to me and what they did to me to victimize me including her... And I dont like to feel it or see it or accept it...
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I never went back to her... Something was wrong. every time I would leave she didnt care. non of it made any sense... She like me because I gave her attention; but didnt care if she ever saw me again? Rd flags...
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Looking back on it; I wouldn't move forward with that person ever; to much a a sociopath... And it hurts horribly to say that. Nothing I could do for her; nothing. I could love her; but could I.
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She should have been able to read the signs while I was around her; seeing what was their. The value. She did not have my values I guess. So confused; Ill be dealing with it for the rest of my life; and thats OKe; as long as I have other relationships at the same time.
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I left a comment at a place; another community. A man wrote back saying the women he has dealt with in this country were to shallow and materialistic; he went to another country to get his wife; she had his values and they've been together for 30 years...
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My first love; I would have been together with her... we were compatible; I loved her but to many scary questions about her behavior; and later turning on me when she could and writing me off; I had problems; but I never wrote anyone off; maybe it looked that way; I loved her the way I was suppose to.... Under God...
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So; maybe it wasnt under God... maybe God had other plans and I need to stick with God and keep working with God... Something wrong. But with God is the answer; get inline with God and that is the answer...
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I just dont understand why these psychopaths keep showing up. I feel in love with one a few years back. Im not sure why I allowed it...
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Art work;
Im doing art out in the public; out by the coffee shop and the closed off street with all the tables...
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Im not taking the art seriously; meaning what Im actually drawing; Im not yet turning anything into a career; not yet; I have to go through several phases first. I have to mature and know Im safe; and I feel that way concerning women as well. Im sure God will bring me women as soon as Im ready for them... Im not; Ive got this next level Ill pray about first to come back out into society again; confidence; but its an inner confidence of something I have to face and come up to speed with... Im closer then before; Ill get their...
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Right now; its about cleaning things up;
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I hurt my shoulder once again. So; its been about 25 days; maybe be another month. Thats OK. until it heals again; we will see... I made sure to get off it before I tore it up again... when it heals I have to learn...
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Im already learning.
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Id like to loose weight again; The last time I lost weight was a few months back; I lost 20 pounds in a month.. Thanks to my past physical activities in my life and my mountain biking background. and a liquid diet; so loosing weight is all possible but Im to scared to be connected to the outside world; I feel like to much of an imposter. Ill work toward it.
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Something about women has to do with my ego and losing wight and being an imposter; not being for real.
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Id like to meet someone I actually like... I havent yet... arragance is to much coming from the people that Ive been around. its been like; the women that have been interested in me; their giving me a chance. Its like; No! Im giving them a chance and I bow down to God and be of help to God; they will bow down to me and be of help to me... They are here as helpers; thats their job...
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As I mentioned about the first girl I loved; I dont know... I just dont know; could be my ego.. I cant find someone better ever. I dont know. Ill never find someone that likes me.
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So; I can see Im still scared and stuck in feeling defeated and sorry for myself... victimhood martyr concerning women. So; that has to be worked on... until im coming back into reality.
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I think I was shocked when I realized I had no advantage in life; nothing. And I saw her with all the advantages and I used that against her and she could dump me any time she wanted because I had nothing. And thats exactly what she did and I move away from her spiritually; I did not trust her or anyone like her; but I never told her I loved her when I did... I just could not see it; I could not see how she would even care. and later she claimed she never did; I meant nothing to her... Nothing makes any sense but I did take it all to God... She tried to have me physically beat up; that must have been in the same year I knew her; so something is just not right here or honest..... something does not make any sense.
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I have a problem with women by creating a relationship that is not their; Ill explain right now a women I know of right now; and Ill explain how Ive does with with her. Ive know boundaried her out of my existence and Ill explain why. But it sounds like Ive had some kind of relationship with the person when in reality; nothing.
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I have a problem like the ghost in 6 sense; the guy would sit with his old family after he died but did not know he had died. She speaks at the table and he believes she is talking to him when in reality; she is talking right by him. Its only later that he realizes his son and wife never knew he was their ever; they had been talking to each other and not him; he was just their. But if you asked him and the audience; you would think all three were talking to each other... But that never happened but non of us in the audience knew this... never did the ghost while sitting with them. he thought he was working with them and talking with them and having coffee with them the whole time and never realized he was a ghost.
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The girl above that Im talking about; I was a ghost; in the same meetings with her; she would come in the room and talk to others at a personal level right by me but not me. And I would feel like I was part of things... I even talked back to her a few times like I had an inn with her or something. But I didnt; because she never really talked to me... ever. But it always seemed that way. She is a sociopath and a player and hustler. Shes pretty; she knows it. she is young; much younger then me and Has it Going on! if you know what I mean; shes a player. But whats interesting is how I actually believed I was part of something with her and her crew within the rooms; when in reality; I was being skipped over or ignored while they were all talking among themselves.
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Now; when Im in a room with her; I ignore her and fell concern and fear the way I should. She is not safe; does not have my values or any good values; dangerous as far as Im concerned...
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So; now I ignore her and imagine a giant black taped wall going up and over or around her or a wall of it between her and me... She does not exist; To the point that I start to realize; I should not be around people like this in the first place; I start to wake up from my PTSD...
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As if I think Im somewhere when I was younger and Im reliving it with all new cast members... But I dont seem to realize some of those people are dangerous and dont care about my past or what Im doing.
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Im waking up to the dangers of these people...... The problem is; Im even dealing with such people in the first place. Crazy... They are authentic sociopaths. Criminals..... crazy on my part...
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I seem to think I can play alternate lives when I cant... as I said; Im a person of values but also dissociated all the time and some times Im at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people and dont seem to know it ....
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This specific women; nothing exists... literally; First I mean; I thought she was attractive; I was wrong. WRONG! Run! This is a criminal. Wrong... I have nothing in common with this person why am I talking to her or sitting by her or anywhere in the same building... thats the wield problem and what Im trying to work through. Ive tried to make her into a nice person; she is not never was. she is not safe; is not innocent. she is dangerous to children.... She is a thug....
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Am Im making some kind of point here. Im trying to make these monsters into people and Im not awake; but suddenly Im waking up... And Im realizing its all about me and all about them at the same time. Its all about me; Im dissociated from reality and creating a set of interactions with someone that never happened. I just wanted to imagine they happened. I know they didnt happen because I know the person.... This person does not have any values like I do and thus; cares nothing for someone like me; nothing; sees nothing but someone old and weak... nothing more. And I mean that; and thats important because when she is speaking to others around me and laughing; she is not talking to me... Im being ignored; the problem was; why couldn't I see this... I couldn't; I was delusional... kind of a hallucinating of dissociative disorder; ive does it before; Ive wanted things so badly to be one way; Ive lied to myself and hallucinated it into existence when nothing was was their; specifically relationships.
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Im not sure I had a first love; I dont know... Something is horrible wrong; but I can always take it to god.
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But; lets get back to talking about this girl from the meetings so I can work through my delusional thinking concerning women I like...
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This women legitimately did not like me for sincere reasons; she cant. What does this mean. This suggests that first; I liked her or found her attractive; That is the problem. IF I knew she was a sociopath; that would not be happening. And their is the wield problem even as I write Im lying but Im not. Its like as soon as I know shes a sociopath I go into a dream or trauma bond and start liking her and falling for her...
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This specific women proved to me she cant like me; impossible; simply because she is a thug and a player and hustler and she like dangerous jail house guys because she is a sociopath and she does not see me; does not have the value system to see me; so; I want her to see me so I want her attention; give it to me... thats my attitude and it is wrong... It is wrong because no one exists their...
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Ive seen and watched this girl; Ive heard what has come out of her mouth; their is no conscious; nothing... No way I would want anything to do with her... its as if im attracted to the way she looks in front of me. but her verbal gives her away; tells me not to listen to that shell that is in front of me that I live through; that tunnel. Tunnel of love.
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ITs schizophrenic; I mean; literally... And Im proud of myself for waking up to it. And I was blinded by my condition. and its areal problem for me; not just with this women; but many times before and I believe was a problem with the first girl I fell in love with; their really was no girl to fall in love with... I just made her out to be; soon the image I created of her fell to pieces and a whole other person emerged... And that frightened me and scarred me and broke my heart... And I realized; this person does not care about me nor needs to care about me; but I still never got over how enchanted I was by her.. and it was all a spell... I guess. It was all my love gushing out to her... the horrible fact is; I was used or could have been played and used and never saw it; I was mentally ill and was being used and never saw it. or worse; I was mentally ill and in this unstable mentally ill state; I led this girl on thinking she was with someone healthy and I was cracked up the whole time... And then I collapsed and could not continue it... yes; this is closer to what I dont want to face; we will go with this.
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And why do I have such a hard time; a heart breaking time with this; that I was faking who I was and never who I claimed to be to get the girl and realized I could never get her because in reality I was a stranger putting on an act.. And she did not turn out to be someone I had any leverage with; she was not on my side nor did she need to be. If she rebelled against her parents Id have a chance; but she never did.. She did not need me and I had nothing; and nothing she wanted or needed; she could take me or leave me. I was the perfect stranger.
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I was the perfect stranger and I its so sorrowful and sad to me; a broken person with no hope and no interest of anyone. And she proved this; that she was a perfect stranger and felt duped or fooled and was confused at my behavior and I think I startled her by my behavior and scared her; she was terrorized by it wondering what kind of freak she had let into her door and I was out as soon as I got in and the door slammed in my face. I was an imposter and I got found out and when I realized I had nothing to offer; I just left.. I never turned around and tried.. never thought; well; just maybe; a super long shot she would want anything to do with the real me... In fact; it sounds like I had a chance to do that; but I didnt. I was never who I claimed to be; it was a lie... And the real me when presented was laughed at; literally and not wanted... so I left. And I never came back... I never saw her again.... Should I have called her and been myself... I mean; I did call her; she was not interested... I did not push it because I thought; she knew me and didnt want me as I am so forget it... But thats not the complete case.
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So; Ill keep writing about it until the damn truth comes out and I can face what Im not facing... ITs all ego....
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Money+truck
Sex+women+relationships
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Doing things in the real world; Trucks n money n women n sex are in the real world. AVPD has taken me away from reality. So; in my imagination as the universe slowly brings me back to reality; I see my attitude about all of these things; most of derivatives of these things were taken from me when young; in the face of childhood; everything erased and I was removed from my life. In childhood; it was all taken; affection; friendships,. houses, neighborhoods. everything. future; money development; in fact; no money development; I was destroyed before this...
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So; now; I slowly allow the universe to teach me; show me... teach me... slowly face money. Ive looked at such things from a Childs point of view. I divert; I watch the Grinch on YouTube and stay 6 year old. And thats fine; but I dont get a truck; and I want a truck in my Christmas imagination.. So; God is allowing me to feel money. So it kind of begins... sort a; unfortunately all things in childhood are triggered. Because money success has to do with development and that was a childhood level situation... So; Im seeing all kinds of PTSD....
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One answer to my first love is this; if I go after her when young and I get her; then she is mine. I went after what I wanted. But I didn't follow through. And their it is... I was never really in. I wasnt in; I didnt go all the way nor tell her why I was having trouble doing it.
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Going After what I want; vs being a victim is what this is all about. A change of attitude and a change from negative thinking associated with what I want to a positive attitude toward what I want and expect to happen.
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