July 2025
June 2025
Whats next for me!
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In some of the books from the 12 step groups Im in; it maps it out very honestly; where I started from; what I gain from the worked involved as I move through the recovery process and where I end up if I do this correctly and Im at the later pages in the books; The later pages suggest a sunny day where Ive received love and now give love; Where Im free to make choices and live within freedom. I get to be productive member of society if I choose... and many more +'s. All leading to an end result of living....
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The girl up the street; Next thing needed to be done; I must see her for what she really was; NOTHING! Thats the truth! The rest is my mental illness creating its own video game around it from thin air.. And I can feel the pressure of my mind not liking what I just wrote. it wants to keep that narrative as a way of life or fact; Yet; Fact check that shi__.... nothing to be found... fraudulent mod...
Nothing existed. The real point of holding onto all that information was to keep me dissociated from all the other information before it.. all the trauma and abuse and abandonment and being thrown away over n over n over from my original home until in my mind I have no memories of my original home. But my mind is trying to come back but its been to over ran and damaged. So; my identity is so messed up.
Ive never really created my own identity. I never had a chance. When a young child I began to prepare for such things and then I was ruined and destroyed.
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So; How am I doing; Im doing OKE>. Im getting ready to get a gaming PC in a few days; put the monitor up next to where I sleep or lay down... have a few blankets; get on steam; have about 10 first person shooters and some horror ghost detective games and spend the rest of my life alone in my room...
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Problems;
First; like most mentally ill people; I dont care about washing my cloths. So; Ive got to come up with some kind of accountability with that... I think accountability will work for me.
Next; get that apartment clean... Thats a major strange problem for me... But doesnt really have to be; I mean; its hard; but I can work on it...
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loosing weight; but I think that just already started for me. Im about 50 pounds over weight... I can lose 20 in a month if I liquid diet it; and kill myself on the bike... I did it several months ago... But; my body almost went into shock. Im not a young man anymore.. I dont want a heart attack from that. More importantly; is the reason I want to lose weight.... and I think coming out of monk mode is starting for me...
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New accountability
New social
New life.
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I think thinks are changing for me. All I have to do is keep working on getting the ( Girl up the street); Getting her image out of the inner personal parts of my mind where I depend on love thoughts of intimacy; Thoughts of her are in those places; they need to be pulled out and thrown in the crime fence area where im not allowed. In other words; They need to go because the gig is up. I know what happened; I just cant accept it. Those feelings are buried right were I was abused and thrown away the first time; right where the remorse and pain of loss of my first life and memories; They are covering that pain and they need to go; they dont need to be their; my mind puts them in front of me; Im not sure why; to curse me or accuse me. I dont know; guilt kind of. but it has to go so I can come back to life; get rid of the guilt and shame. I get brutally attacked... Horrible. Dont need it; need to learn to have the guts to live with out it. And my mind is fighting all of this right now; its like its addicted to laziness. I have to learn to change my state by doing things; not thinking things... I create lies about things and act as if ive changed; but I see no substance in my life; nothing has really changed; Ive just lied to myself. And this keeps me in poverty.. And I have allot of thinking problems like this I want to work on...
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So;
Ive got some general goals.
My mind wants to dissociate so I dont do any of this; its constant fight..
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I guess my mind doesnt want me looking strait out at reality... what I lost.. to shameful or demoralizing or painful... I guess. it is...
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Hurts.
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The reason Im writing this because im getting better; meaning; Im feeling freer or better; but not doing much physically. But feel better about things; about the whole picture of my past and what happened... and all the things ive tried to hang on to that were either not real and I made them real or were ripped away from me and I cant deal with the trauma; And my brain was hurt from this; damage...
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Its hard; and going to be hard letting go of the ( Girl up the street); It just is; but it must be; I mean; I did not think about her when I was a young kid... She slipped in there at a time I should have met someone nice; someone God sent. But I was heading down a wrong path... and I ended up at Satans door... A death trap...
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So; now; I would like to believe in pathways that lead to life...
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Im using the 12 step groups as mastermind accountability groups; Im telling them where Im at right now and what direction I want to move to... And my goals and my short comings and what Im not and that I need help and will be asking the whole world for help.
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I have an end result in mind... and Im working toward that end result.. And as I write this I can feel my nervous system rebelling; going into red alert and starting to dissociative me. Im slowly hanging in their...
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The deal is; if its to be; its up to me! And that is the fear and the triggering of horrible thoughts and its exciting... A future for myself built; if I can get my mind to stop spitting out all this horror and put downs and degrations and negativity when ever I want to move forward with something; its incredible self abuse; thought by the abusers... taught to my brain on purpose so I dont get out of line with others...
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So; certain freedoms are showing up for me; if I want to work for them; I have support. Its up to me. But that statement is a big one considering where Im at now; The goal is to make that goal or make it a goal; my interest and start working toward it... if I want personal change; its up to me...
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Up again;
So; Lets see;
In the mens meeting a few days ago; it was;
setting goals and having accountability in the meetings by telling the people in the meetings my goals.
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I noticed several women didnt like that; didnt like playing that roll of accountability; to be helpers; subordinate in nature. Because they are in meetings with me and Im using the whole of the group; and its not personal; Im just putting it out in the air waves; They are kind of stuck; they cant control me from saying it or thinking it or feeling it. What I did get from them was a kind of marginal or silent contempt...
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Other women in the group dont care; I mean; they are like I am; and fairly real and not so much criminal thug...
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And the group has thugs in it; and I dont think some of them are to concerned about helping me either... I just throw the idea out because of awakening.
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( The girl Up the street);
Hmmm: I had new thoughts on that... kind of; more answers...
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Some of the answers from God; I cant go up the street to someone evil and act like Im in a church meeting nice people. Next; God is the one who saves people; not me.. God would not send me to save someone... God would send someone else; Im suppose to go to church and save myself; if that other person wants to meet me at church; thats fine; if God sends them.
Im suppose to meet a nun in the basement of the church.... not some thug sociopath female that is heading to prison at some point; whether it be white collar or blue collar...
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So; I want to be tuff and hang out with thugs because I earned it and I deserve it; but their is a problem; This isn't movie land. They dont have any values like I do. They simply operate on what they can get away with... You dont tell them anything; call the police or shoot them... No threatening or talk involved.
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I thought I could be a thug with this girl up the street; it didnt work; I got put in my place because she had no conscious. She had no right or wrong and never asked to have one. I thought she did.
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Here is the narrative I was sure was going on;
"She had called out to God for help to be loved by someone out of desperation because her parents didnt love her and she was sensitive. I was brought to her because she had been reaching out to God asking for someone to show up and love her; someone that would really love her" " she wanted to be rescued from her life and from her parents.. She was sensitive just like me and was waiting for someone just like me... God sent her to me; God sent me to her...; That was my internal narrative... And I had asked God a few years before for someone to really love... And thus I could feel the energy flowing and then I met her and it was a perfect match made in heaven..
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except their was a problem; She did not end up as a recognizable component of this narrative I had in my head. This narrative gave me the energy and the right and entitlement to go up to her house over n over believing she liked me... In all reason; she may have seen me coming and got scared and was frightened or nervous on what to do when I knocked on the door. I was not suppose to be up their. She was a stranger that did not fit this narrative. I was wrong; In a sense; " I went to the wrong house" " This person Was a stranger who had no idea who I was or what I was doing their". This person had never called out to God; had no idea or interest in changing for anyone and had no problem with her parents.. She did not know what I was doing; or why I was there. She was concerned; Im lucky I didnt get the police called on me... She continued to open the front door when I rang the door bell out of desperation and she was nervous and intimidated.. frightened and scared and probably felt intimidated and didnt know what to do or how to handle something like this; in a way; a very big way; I was an intruder that was not asked to join her family and I was an intruder that was not wanted.. I was operating by my own narrative.
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I was an intruder that was not wanted; very quickly contempt was the only emotion coming out of that family when I should up. It didnt last long; being around her. I could not express or act upon or show why I was there; What was the reason I was at their house; why was I their; was I selling something; Why was I at their house.
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Why was I at their house; And that is how and why I got caught. I had no legitimate reason I could come up with to be at their house and I was thrown out; you might say!
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My Ego was hurt... I thought this was my day; my game; I was in control here; God sent me their.. But in reality; God never sent me there; God never sent me anywhere. God does not send someone into the darkness and does not send me to a house of Satan... God does not need me for that.
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God was trying to save me by getting me to go to church; thats where I was suppose to be; and if I was going to meet someone it would be at church.. and my rebelliousness forgot about that. God was on the other side of the world; He was on the opposite side... and I was going in a direction away from God...
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I had gone and hit on a stranger God knew nothing about... I used Gods name as the reason behind this house invasion hit n run and It flopped feebly; It never passed the water line... I was boot'd and Ego slammed.. I never got past the front door... Confused and mad; I wanted to come back and get my revenge; so I did. " Not One was Going to put me In my place; Im just as good as anyone in that house"; So; I came back again and again until I really got knocked out and boot'd. And finally I got the notice that I was not dealing with who I thought I was dealing with; I got royally knocked out because the real form of those people showed their dark light; and " I was Wrong"; Wrong about the whole thing.
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I was just trying to save my life; I was looking for an escape; but they stopped me and I was mad about it and heart broken that I was a failure who couldnt even take care of my own life because of a lack of power.
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I was led to believe I had control of her; she fawned and played that part with me; Or did she; or was she just scared and concerned because this stranger is around her and her house and in her house. I remember; I was invited up to the house by my brother and her brother; that was all; I was not brought up to meet anyone; I just went with them... I assumed I was suppose to meet her; they never told me that. They never told me someone was waiting to meet me. I was simply a stranger who stopped off at their house for a moment. Im the one who came back the next day. Im sure this young women felt scared and didnt know what to do...
I was an angry person who felt entitled to what was mine. And I had the right to become a celebrity and being accepted into that family would make it so... that kind of scenario.. I guess.. I wanted to be a star...
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And; new information;
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At a meeting today I started to get it. It suggests in the manuals to take all things to my higher power when I am in indecision and down know what to do.
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What is it that Im having a problem with; My Mother and Father and all the bad treatment I went though; life Death treatment I was ran over with before I had any chance of even knowing what happened over n over n over. and it had been happening to me all my life; Their never had been anyone looking after me accept God.
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Heres the info. After taking all things to God I began to listen to others and I began to get a picture, Im in advanced recovery process so this is not for beginners; I wrote up a 4 step on my Mother and Father or 10th step....for those who understand.. to review my part and how I felt about what they did to me; describing some of their offenses... I am to work on my part in it; That means; I start writing up pathways and praying about it that God can help me move away from them successfully; beyond them and into my own life successfully.. Happy ending!
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So; I am to learn how to make amends to people all the time and move on. Not be a victim from it; but become a nice person again; thus countering the feelings of retaliation and anger from what my these psychopaths did to me.
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I was not prepared for what these psychopaths did to me and I will want to write about it at some point. These psychopaths being what you call parents.. They were not parents... They were monsters and thats being nice about it.
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So; I was over ran. Their crimes against humanity were ugly and many; so; they were murderers...and I was murdered.
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So; that is for another day.
But I have to learn how to become a decent person again because I was once.
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I understand now that my best friend when young; I was trying to help him; care about him but in reality; their was nothing wrong with him... he was fine and didnt need or want my help or want me around nor need me around nor value me... at all. Why should he.
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So; I have to look at that as well.
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Ive gotten bent out of shape by some people; When I have a problem with people; I need to call the police and stay out of cop business. stay out if it... get the hell out of their.
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