August 2025
July 2025
What kind of car do I want?
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This is a most important question; and what type of people around me when I ask this question. Who was suppose to be around me in the first place! My father? Yes? brother? My Mother is Out; she was not my friend; she was my enemy and everyone els's enemy... She was not a safe human being to associate with; she should have been locked away long before I met her...
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My Father was no safer then my mother; but when young I did not know.
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So; I ask the question now; What car do I buy? If and when God brings the money for such things!
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That's an interesting question because it takes me back to a specific age; 14-18; What was my life suppose to have been like during those ages so I could buy my own car at those ages and be safe and independent at those ages.
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Its interesting; when younger; My brother would con a relative to get the money for a car for himself and he would get one for me; a used one or what ever; I didnt care; I was either drugged up a bit at those times or useless; I no longer cared about life so I didnt matter; I didnt care who was running my life; I had no purpose or interest in life anymore; I was broken hearted and could care less about being alive; I certainly didnt care about cars. I dont even know How i ended up with one; I dont know..
I was living off my relative; but didnt realize it; I didnt know; it was more like the co dependency of that relative to take care of us; myself and my brothers; we were bought n sold in a real sense.
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I had no life and no one cared who I was or my life; nothing; I was treated more like an animal. I was mentally ill from trauma.
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What car do I want... I dont know... I mean; Im the 11 year old again. Not the adult. Thats the problem; when it comes to creating music or a career or women or car; Im the 11 year old... Im trying to break through this sexual abuse...
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What story do I tell and from what perspective or age. WHat age to I start creating my new story; age 8 maybe or age 6 mybe; yes. Until I have a new story that bi passes all the horror and control by others.
.\Music
Im listening to music and playing air guitar or air singing; it doesnt go anywhere; I stay stuck in my apartment; Im not sure where its suppose to go... I know what I dont want.
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Im creating those pathways right now in my mind. Ill keep at it. It is showing movement...
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Its hard to listen to a rock band when I can create just as well. But I wont; or; maybe I will...
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Its kind of like dealing with women in the past; they were horrible people; over n over over.... unbelievable. and Im like; and this is what I have to date? Is this all there is! My God! What am I suppose to do.... And in this Im playing the victim; and its the old story.
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The problem I have is all the pain all of this can bring me...
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I say I wish I had some kind of future assured or something; anything; of what im suppose to do with my life or what car or what women. I dont have any vision of anything; career or money or anything.
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Im working on it; Im completely lost..
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Ive made mistakes in the past. I dont know. I was around all the wrong people; all of them...
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However, I cant say that now; IVe learned some things; Ive been nice to people and theyve been nice to me; I have meant something to some people.
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The other day; a women looked at me and missed me because I left the campout early; she meant it. She looked for me. She is a person... And she missed me; and there it is; So I cant say that all my associations with people are all the same. All bad or something.
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I thought my calling was to love someone and take care of them; I was wrong; they didnt care...
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What else has meaning in this life for me.
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I so wished it was music; I love music I guess; but I dont know what to create for the real world. I dont know what to do.
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Money is so important... Ill keep working with God until there is no more victim.
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I love Art; and Im much closer to creating that and it making sense. Music is something different. I dont have a vision. I just dont see beyond an immature age. Im not sure what im doing or why...
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As for women; No clue! nothing. Unbelievable Horror show... Ive never tried to be with a nice person I guess; I didnt dare; I didnt want to be shot down... I dont know... nothing.. for all my life; nothing. If I wanted someone nicer; I guess I should have found someone nice; I never even tried; I didnt bother; I had been shot down so many many times regardless. And I was completely wrong about the people I was in love with; I meant nothing to them; they had no interest or feelings for me; nothing; zero; and I didnt know? I coudnt tell... they had no value for me; nothing... And this just goes on n on. the problem is; I never found out what kind of people I was dealing with.
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Some times its a good idea to let my walls down and act like an innocent piece a meat on a table top; watch to see who's fangs come out; Who thinks they can get away with putting daggers in it; one would be surprised. And they do this because they think Im weak; ITs better to find out what kind of people Im dealing with before I give them my feelings or assume they are wonderful trustworthy people.
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Many times I thought I was dealing with wonderful trustworthy people to find out later they were nothing like this; they were the opposite... The completely opposite; cold hearted and brutal.
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Nothing makes any sense.
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Im sure people are out there and so is my future... Im looking for purpose; a reason. Any reason. getting something out of something; value; anything out of society.
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Im looking for my starting situation...
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All Ive been is rolled by this whole society. Nothing changes; its still going on...
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Im better and there are signs of good things...
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Ill never stop ever; no way I can; Im looking for my life; for the right thoughts and how they get there... Im looking for them to believe again... Im just overwhelmed.
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As for women; I have met a women that did care what happens to me... Ive made a difference; I have met them. At least one... I have met one! And I mean this; Only one! But; I did meet her.. So; that changes everything. She is a friend from a meeting I know. I dont talk to her much or spend any time around her. ITs just a comment made.... But it was emplaced for the universe to help me understand.. I cant say no one never thought-a me... ( I luv that English Grammar); Thought -a-me like a frontal lobotomy.
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As for music. I dont know yet; Ill have to play live... I dont know...
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As for Art; Well; Ill have to put my work out somewhere. Ill have to make more of it.
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As for a car; I dont know; Id have to fall in love with one and fight to get it I guess. Im not even sure what car; and I dont know why God is not supplying all the answers Im looking for....
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Ill meditate on things and keep writing stories I guess.
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Money is the same way... I dont have a clue... what direction. Ill work on this with God.
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It seems everything is a direction... I dont know...
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Im still in the middle of all this...
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Its hard all of this.
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Im way over weight and have not cared because I have no life; I mean; Im not doing anything; no prospects; its still all internal. I wont let anything out...
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So; Ive got things to work on... to work into...
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I want things to go faster; answers to go faster... Ill have to do more work ...
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I think its all about believing again; Im still mentally ill but better and heading in the right direction.
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Im in a kind of rehabilitation stage. So; Im working with God to know when to begin. What are the first steps in that direction and what direction. So; there it is; thats what has to be worked on.
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