July 2025
June 2025
Webelos/.
Webelos is the last few months of cub scouts.
I jointed Webelos; I think in the third or 4th grade.....
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That time period Is very important to me. It is the last time period of normal living I will experience. I had to join alone; I had no father with me.
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By this time Im burned out and school and life experience is harder for me than most; I didnt realize; I had been doing everything alone since birth. There was no one helping me with extra curricular development; including school and talents and extras like cub scouts or Webelos.
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I remember joining Webelos; I remember the initiation and the house. However, things will be cut short for me.
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By the time Im in the 4th grade; something is horribly wrong; Im to alone and far distanced from home work or being present in school; its more like this place Im waiting; waiting for my parents to kick in and care; in the mean time; Im basically flunking out but dont know it.
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Im a brilliant person; but with no one helping at that age; Im completely in the dark to what is going on. Im innocent and giving my parents another chance; I just assume they will show up for me at some point. In reality; they've secretly been destroying me from birth and they know everything they are doing; for they had done it to others before me.
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And very soon after this age I will begin to be abandon and destroyed; had no idea at all; anyones worst nightmare; and that is the point of it; torture; to destroy someones life right in front of them without the ability for the victim to fight back. Torture.
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My present goal is to get back to Webelos; What does that mean; it means back inline with that time period of my life slowly developing again back into reality to come up to that time period. Right at that time period. When Im at that time period;
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I ask God to recreate everything I need to take the next step forward; Ill need all new parents and friends and relatives and school systems and neighborhoods and goals and dreams and safety and everything. Just as it was in third or 4th grade. What ever that means in adult terms.
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Certainly I dont expect to have someone show up and take me to third grade in the local grade school; nor hide pitch a tent in someones neighborhood out on the corner and live in it.
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God will supply everything I need to get stable at that point and when ready; Take my first step forward from that vantage point; This will be like Mans first step on the Moon or Mars!
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Im slowly coming up to this arena.
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This is an exceptionally hard time right now of uneasiness and loneliness. This is a really feeble lonely time. Im slowly coming up to a place of extreme loneliness; to relive this part of my childhood; its kind of a very dangerous thing because I cant go back. Ill be getting very close to the full memories of a time period that will end in misery and horror and all that I valued and love will die in front of me. And Ill be opening that up.
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Will say this. Ive traveled a long time many miles of the recovery process to make it all the way back to the beginning again. This time it will be different.
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When someone tries so shut me out of my house again; Ill be standing with God and a whole lot of back up and I wont be a lonely innocent decent little boy who's about to be destroyed; Ill be a strong grown man who will not be moving from my spot. God will be with me and I will thus take a step forward anyway into the the next realm of that time period.
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The problem or issue is; Im not sure how or what God will create for me to move on to the next level.
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Im literally going from Webelos to Boy Scouts; thats the next level. Maybe 4th grade to 5th grade; something like this; I have no idea how God will supply whats needed for an adult to revisit this experience in a spiritual means; but keeping it real and in reality. We will see.
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It means Ill be back in the present again; thats what it means. Its scary concept. So much pain and heart break...
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All the old friends I thought I had; who were lying; they will be gone. However, I asked God for just one real friend from that time period to appear; And he did; smile!
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He was not from the stuck up side of the neighborhood I came from; he was from the regular side of the neighborhood. He was glad to see me and said he had always wondered about my brothers and I and wondered what happened to us. And that is a true friend.
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The other fake individuals did not have value for me. What happened to; its shows that friends do exist; sometimes on the other side of the tracks. In this case; either side of the tracks were good neighborhoods; but one happened to have wealthy houses on one side of the street on the North end of things. I had no idea rich or wealthy people were any different then the rest of us; How wrong I was; I had no idea they had there own elite culture and looked down on all others ad being white filth or trash. I had no idea. Those kids from those houses; they didnt need friends; they used them.
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Anyway; Things are changing. I have allot of praying to do. And to move back into the rituals of that time period when I was a boy; I dont know! I dont know if I can handle that; the memories and feelings; Ill have to work with God on that. Slowly developing.
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Im getting answers to the people of the past; because of it; Im slowly moving forward into the present again and I will be starting where I left off when young. God will take me back to the starting line and I will proceed from that point.
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The problem is; I have no idea what im going to take the first step forward; into. I have no idea; its a blank slate within me.
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Ill know when it happens; its not going to be comfortable. Im already feeling and seeing memories of my very young years again; this is a sign its all coming back within my imagination again. I can see it and feel it. Ive got to pray and prepare for this one.
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Memorizing in music; that is whats missing in my music experience; is got to be tapered with memorization all along the way. Ive not started yet; Ill pray on how to start. This has always been a frustrating part of things. PTSD has caused Massive problems with memorization. I guess it doesnt matter but it does; it hurts; it triggers the PTSD and Im tortured to death and scream and get violent. So; Im not looking forward to it. Anyway; I guess Id like to conquer this.
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I must remember; the dreams of my past; I think God is creating a way for it all to surface again when I become that person again and I think many dreams of that time will show up again. and Ill be able to perform my life at that level once again. But I must earn my way into that new way of thinking.
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